The 5 Stages of Grief

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Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying , psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.

But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.

Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial

For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?

Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver , it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.

What you might be feeling:

  • Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me.
  • Alienated from other people , as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
  • Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.

What you might notice:

  • Memory gaps , such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
  • Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
  • Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.

What to do:

  • Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
  • Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.

Stage two in the stages of grief: Pain and guilt

When the protective curtain of denial slowly slips aside, intense feelings start to surface. This may be the hardest time, when things seem darkest. Self-blame is common. You may find yourself replaying conversations and decisions in your mind and asking yourself if you should have done things differently. If you've lost someone who's been suffering or in pain, you may experience a complex mix of relief coupled with guilt. It's common to hear a judging voice in your head, berating you fo r feeling relieved -- but actually relief is a perfectly normal reaction.

What you might be feeling:

  • Extreme mood swings, feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next.
  • Physical and/or emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning, or even like you can't go on any longer.
  • Guilt -- if you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel guilty that you yourself have your health. If you've been a primary caregiver, you may feel relieved that the intense period of caregiving is over and you can return to your "normal" life, yet you feel terribly guilty for having such thoughts.

What you might notice:

  • Tears that come when you least expect them.
  • Negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in your mind things you did and didn't do or say.
  • Exhaustion and lethargy -- feeling overwhelmed and defeated, asking yourself "what's the point?"

What to do:

  • Find ways to turn off the "tapes" replaying themselves in your mind. If there are moments or images that are particularly traumatic to remember (the decision to turn off life support, for example, or an image of your loved one in pain), talk through the memories with family members and friends who went through them with you.

Saying, "I keep thinking of how much pain she was in and wondering if there was more we could have done" allows you to get the dark feelings and fears out in the open so that you and those who were also present can talk through what happened.

You may be surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation.

  • Ask for help. This is the time to find a support group, therapist, or close friend or family member who's been through something similar, who can help you work through these very difficult feelings.
  • Force yourself to reach out. It's easy to hide away or isolate yourself when you feel that you're "not at your best," but this is just the time to reach out. Put a few close friends or family members on alert by saying, "I'm having a pretty tough time right now. Can I call you when I'm really feeling down?" Setting this up ahead of time gives you permission to pick up the phone.
  • Let yourself off the hook. If you're experiencing guilt for surviving, or relief that their suffering or your caregiving role is over, remind yourself that those feelings are common and natural and nothing to feel bad about. The truth of the situation is that the person you were caring for is out of pain and some of the burdens that have overwhelmed you have been lifted, and it's natural to react with relief.

Stage three in the stages of grief: Anger, frustration, and bitterness

For many people, this stage alternates in spurts with pain and guilt. You may find yourself becoming very reactive. You're going along just fine until something -- a TV episode, a story told by a friend, an ad in a magazine -- sets off an explosion of angry, even hostile feelings. Sometimes anger is a way to shield ourselves from feeling intense pain; other times it's the simple contrast between other peoples' concerns and the sheer magnitude of what we're going through that triggers an attack of bitterness or frustration.

What you might be feeling:

  • Sudden attacks of self-pity and frustration or bursts of outrage and a sense of injustice that may feel childlike: "Why me?" or "This isn't fair!" As one person put it, "I just keep thinking that this isn't what we signed up for."
  • Bitterness or resentment. If you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel bitter about having lost her "before her time." Many people describe feelings they're not proud of, such as, "Why couldn't it have been him instead?" One person who lost her father early to cancer reported feeling ashamed of her lack of compassion when other friends described their difficulties with fathers in poor health. She heard a voice in her head saying, "I'll trade you any day."

What you might notice :

  • A desire to avoid certain social situations, particularly those where others are celebra tory or self-congratulatory.
  • Irritation when others complain about things that seem petty and unimportant compared with what you're going through.
  • A tendency to react with mistrust and sarcasm.
  • Anger and bitterness over others' sincere expressions of sympathy. Someone saying "I understand," or "Is there something I can do?" might make you want to scream, for instance.

What to do:

  • Avoid those who bring you down. If you notice that certain people or situations bring on bouts of anger and ill humor, it's perfectly okay to avoid them -- you're protecting both of you. For instance, if a certain friend tends to initiate a "pity party," put that friendship on hold for awhile.
  • Tell people what's happened. It can be hard to bring up a loss, but it's more uncomfortable still if you keep silent and those around you remain oblivious. When there's an appropriate opening, explain that you've recently experienced a loss. People will be more supportive than you think, and some will really "get it," resulting in deeper shared connection. This will also stop most of those who are just having a bad day from telling you about it.
  • Have compassion for yourself. When feelings of anger and bitterness are separating you from others, instead of berating yourself for your lack of compassion, turn that compassion on yourself. You've just lost someone terribly important to you, and it's natural for your mind to compare yourself with others and find their situations less traumatic. Talk to yourself with sympathy and forgiveness and remind yourself that you won't always feel this way.

Learn About Acceptance as a Stage of Grief

No matter how deep your grief, slowly but surely you'll be pulled back into the world -- perhaps even against your will. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that wake us to the possibilities still in front of us.

But at first, i t's almost certainly going to feel like one step forward, two steps back. That's okay. Bit by bit your mind will accept what's happened, and you'll discover new reserves of strength and resilience.

What you might be feeling:

  • A sense of "waking up" to the world around you.
  • Moments of surprising joy and satisfaction , followed by guilt: "How can I feel happy?"
  • New reserves of strength and determination: "I can get through this."
  • If you've lost your second parent, you may feel a sense of moving forward into a new phase of your life. Now you're the "older generation" in your family, which can feel scary and sad. But over time it may also feel freeing. Even if most of the time you're still very low, you'll start to see that there is a way past the grief .

What you might notice :

  • Things can seem funny again. Whereas a few months ago you avoided silly movies and didn't find jokes funny, now every once in a while something makes you laugh or smile.
  • A return to awareness: You notice the smell of roasting coffee or a friend's new scarf.
  • The rediscovery of old satisfactions: You might realize you want to resume knitting, start a new book, or rejoin a volunteer effort that used to be important to you.
  • At least for short periods, you feel like yourself again.

What to do:

  • Seek out experiences that feel meaningful. If seeing your grandchildren is the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning, make as many dates as possible to spend time with them. If watching birds at the bird feeder lifts your spirits in midwinter, keep the feeder filled and perhaps invest in a bird guide and try to identify your winter visitors.
  • Fight "survivor's guilt." Don't feel bad about being happy. Life goes on, and we're meant to go on with it. If the moments are few and far between, notice them and seek out similar moments. Ask yourself what your loved one would have wished for you -- to see you in perpetual mourning or happy to see you rediscovering joy in life?
  • Give back to others. Many people, when grieving a loss, find solace in helping others. It can take you out of yourself and put things in perspective to help others in need. Volunteer in your community or at your place of worship, or offer to help a friend or neighbor who is going through a hard time.

Remember all the people who helped you through your loved one's last illness? There are others out there for whom you can perform the same valuable service, with a new depth of compassion and understanding.

Books to Read About Grieving

Calvin Trillin, About Alice (Random House, 2006). Trillin mourns the death of his wife, Alice.

Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking (Knopf, 2005). Didion writes about the year that followed the loss of her husband, John Gregory Dunne.

Patricia Hampl, The Florist's Daughter (Harcourt, 2007). Hampl reflects on her life as a "dutiful daughter," taking care of her parents until their deaths.

David Rieff, Swimming in a Sea of Death (Simon & Schuster, 2008). Author Susan Sontag's son writes about her death from cancer .

Lee Montgomery, The Things Between Us (Free Press, 2007). Memoirist Lee Montgomery tackles her father's death from cancer and her mother's alcoholism, highlighting the complexity and importance of family relationships.

Ianthe Brautigan, You Can't Catch Death: A Daughter's Memoir (St. Martin's/Griffin, 2001). Author Richard Brautigan's daughter writes of his death by suicide with insight and compassion.

Melanie Haiken

Melanie Haiken discovered how important it is to provide accurate, targeted, usable health information to people facing difficult decisions when she was health editor of Parenting magazine. See full bio

about 2 hours, said...

Hi I didn't really know where else to turn I lost my Nan September 2017 I was her carer for 12 months till she was put on palliative care and passed away in her sleep it was a peaceful death which I am grateful for but I miss her so dam bad I have the worse crying spouts ever my husband an daughter don't know what to do with me or I get it'll be ok and it annoys me even more some days I'm numb or feel like I'm floating not really living I have alienated myself from everyone all I do is go to work or bed not interested in nothing anymore thing is 12months previously I lost my aunt who I loved and was close to she died the morning off my actual wedding day I threw myself into caring for my Nan I don't believe I ever grieved for her so it's like I have two people who I grieve for now it's like a tornado smacking me in the face at the moment I don't want to do counselling but would be nice to have some advise on where to go other than that

about 12 hours, said...

I lost my older sister unexpectedly last April at the age of 49. My mother last talked to her on the phone the night she died. The next day my mother had been trying to get in touch with her all morning and afternoon. I go to my sister’s house and go inside and find her sitting on her sofa with her feet on the ottoman dead. I am still in shock. I still have moments where I start crying. Sometimes I feel angry that she left us the way she did. Other times I feel guilty that I didn’t tell her that I loved her. Yes, we had our arguments. But I still loved her. She was my big sister. I still have another big sister who lives four states away. But this sister I was closest to. We had a lot in common. Such as knowledge of music and theatre. Now I’m alone with those interests. We also had a similar sense of humor. We would laugh at the same things we’d see on Facebook. Now I have no one to share those things with. It’s been almost a year now and I still feel so lost without her. I still don’t know what I’m going to do without her. Sometimes I feel like I just want to leave this world so that I can be reunited with her. There are still some mornings where I have to force myself to get out of bed.

2 months, said...

I just want to say how sorry I am for everyone that has already posted here and those that will. I lost my wonderful Mother April 2nd 2017 and each day seems to get worse. I can't figure out why we're allowed to love someone so much - - and at times mistreat them - - only to one day have them snatched away. My Mother battled cancer for more than two years, and I didn't grasp that she was sick and that she could actually die until she was unconscious. (last couple days) She was Mom afterall - she's always been there and she always will be. Period. I only hope she knew I was holding her hand those last couple of days, or that I was reading to her, having the discussions I should have had, letting her know just what an amazing person she was,,,, doing what I should have been doing all along. I'm great at saying "I love you"; not always the best at showing it, however. This existence just doesn't make sense anymore. Only thing keeping me moving forward is my faith in Jesus Christ and the fact it's what she would want. If you're reading this you're probably missing a loved one and for that I'm truly sorry. Just remember they loved you and just like when they were here; they continue to want nothing but the best for you. - Josh

3 months, said...

I lost my husband a month ago. It has been unbearable while I was at work my daughter comes home from school to find him dead. He died from a stroke and we are still shocked and in a severe daze. My daughter has been traumatized from this and we're trying to cope; however it has been so hard.

3 months, said...

Most in the family went through mourning and grief when my grandmother passed away right before New Year's in 2016. Every since I was a kid, I've always viewed death as an acceptable process. I think being part of that process by being with someone when they die gives you an opportunity to see it. I think life is more valuable and you live more to the fullest when you know and accept that we'll all die sometime. Dying of old age being the most acceptable of course. I cried a little when grandma died and then it was done, but then I cared for her for 6 months in hospice after her hemorrhagic stroke so I witnessed the decline. I think about her all the time but I like to remember people for how they lived, not their death, My mom is only on stage 3 right now and she's so difficult and negative. What she doesn't realize is that she's alienating people. I've tried to be supportive but her negativity, distrust, and sarcasm rubs me wrong. I see her a couple times a week and she's exhausting and exhausted doing things to keep herself busy. So much so she's having accidents while out in the yard. She's wearing herself down and she won't listen reason. It's so bad I'm past helping her now and am sitting here watching the Trainwreck I can't stop. She's turning into a not so nice person. I keep her out of family conversations and happenings because she turns that to crap. I waited until last minute to tell her I bought a house, like right before I was moving. I actually want going to tell her until I moved but the car got out of the bag. I don't like visiting or talking to her. She interrupts and ruins every conversation. My son grumbles when we go to mom's now. When grandchildren don't want to go to grandma's, you know it's gotten bad. Please don't be this person. For your own sake and the sake of others, work through your grief, don't turn it on its head and push it off on others or you won't have anyone when you need them.

3 months, said...

My dad passed away one month ago today. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and only lived for 3 weeks and 3 days. I’m mad and I now question a lot of the medical decisions ... dating back to a couple of years ago. But most of all I’m sad and I miss him. I pray more people become aware of the symptoms of lung cancer earlier so they have a better chance of survival. This is one time when trying to be strong and not complain of pain served a death sentence.

3 months, said...

my grandad died i dont know why but i am so sad everyone is telling me its normal but i feel like im over reacting like everybody else seems fine or i can see why they would be sad but me why am i hit this hard by it i just keep crying and crying why am i so upset by this everything just feels so weird i just wish i was fine but im not

4 months, said...

My sister died yesterday from a stroke. She was only 40 years old and left a 8 year old and 12 year old behind. I’m still in shock and disbelief. The hardest part is seeing her daughters go through this as well as my parents. Not only that but my grandpa just passed a month ago. The emotions the shock and the disbelief are still there. I miss them both very much❤️

4 months, said...


4 months, said...

My dad died two weeks ago. I was texting him about Thanksgiving plans. He fell over dead of a heart attack and was gone immediately. I’m 27 and my entire world has been flipped over.

4 months, said...

It has been 5 months since my grandma passed away from copd she was on oxygen for 10 years first started with oxygen occasionally then to 24/7 we had alot of hospital scares through the years. Well started in December that she was in and out of the hospital alot more. In March we went out to eat she struggled but we made it. Little did I know that would be the last time going out after that she couldn't leave the house at all. Then she couldn't make it to the bathroom then after that she quit trying we decided to put her in nursing home to do rehab and get stronger she wasn't there one day then back to hospital she was in for two or three weeks. Then back to nursing home. It was a cycle. I knew in my heart she was dying so I tried to visit once or twice a week I distanced myself so it wouldn't hurt so bad.. Then came regret... At last back at nursing home my aunt told me my grandma was really really sick I asked if she was going back to hospital and she said no. There's nothing more they can do... So I got ready and went to the nursing home. When I got there alot of family was there... I went and kissed my grandma as she laid there not speaking not opening her eyes she was getting cold so I got her a blanket I was in denial had no clue she was actually dying. I sat there for awhile and my uncle started crying so I cried alot I finally realized this was it. Everyone left and gave me alot of time with her alone. I talked to her and I got her eyes to flutter so I think she heard me. I went to kiss her and tell her I'd be back later on... Not even 5 minutes of getting to the car my aunt called me and told me she passed. I know she waited for me :( I came back after looking at her lifeless body the only one I've ever seen. I stayed for an hour said my final goodbyes and left. Here I am now still in shock, angry, guilty, and depressed does this ever get easier!! My world has stopped but I know I can't live like this forever. I was adopted by her so technically she was my mom. But she was so much more she was my mom,grandma, best friend, mentor and client. I took care of her the whole time but the last two years I moved out and started my family but I became her caregiver and seen her every single day. I loved her so much she loved my kids sooo much. She loved everyone she always put her needs before everyone. I strive to be like her everyday. I love you grandma so much until we meet again <\3

4 months, said...

My mom passed away on Oct. 5th of 2017, 9 days ago, she had Alzheimers. I spent the last 3 1/2 years visiting her several days a week while she was living in an ALZ assisted living facility. The last year of her life she no longer spoke and was in a wheelchair. The last few months she barely ate, and was down to 70 lbs. Because I spent so much time with her and was their when she passed (albeit I couldn't stay when she actually stopped breathing, it was far too difficult) I feel numb. It's almost like it didn't happen yet it was the worst night of my life. I feel like my mouth has been quietly hanging open for the last few days, but I'm unable to really have emotion. It's difficult when your mom is dying for so many years and then it happens, it's like guilt and relief and sadness. I don't know what to feel or think. I can't even remember her right now when she wasn't sick.

5 months, said...

It's been 4 1/2 years since my mother died from an aggressive cancer at 70. I am still, constantly plagued by the memories, the guilt, and the lack of motivation as my motivation basically my whole life was to make her proud of me (only child). I don't know what to do. I have to find a way to move on and thrive, but unfortunately, there's a nagging feeling that I don't deserve good fortune, because she's not there for me to share it with. It's brutal, I'd give anything to go back and say the things I thought of after the fact. But you can't.