End of Life Support Group
The end-of-life online support group is here to help you through all the difficult decisions and emotions involved in the before and after of losing a loved one. Connect with others willing to listen, and get support for end-of-life challenges. Learn how others are coping with grief, and post your tips and advice too. Come as often as you need to share, vent, ask questions, and feel less alone.
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What's New Today
5 days ago
My mother passed last week after suffering from dementia for four years. She was in an inpatient hospice unit at the end of her life and the nurses treated her wonderfully. My question relates to how she got there. She had been living in an assisted living facility for the past four years, where she was the most pleasant resident and loved by all the staff. Then all of a sudden, the new assisted living manager says they can no longer "manage" her care and want me to find her a new place to live. Conveniently, on the first of the month, they told me she became agitated, was taking off her clothing, running over people in her wheelchair, etc so they were transferring her to an inpatient hospice unit (she had been on hospice since Feb). When she arrived at the hospice unit, nurses there were baffled, saying she was pleasant and a bit agitated but definitely manageable. They said she would stay there a few days for medication adjustment then I'd need to find her a new assisted living facility. She was speaking to me, requesting music from the music therapist etc. Hospice began giving her morphine, ativan and haldol for the agitation. Within three days she had stopped communicating, stopped eating, stopped drinking and was just lying there sleeping, interrupted by periods of agitation where she would try to sit up and would moan but never really fully awaken. Her breathing became affected and periods of apnea lengthened. Within 12 days of entering the hospice unit, she was dead. My question is, was this behavior common in the final stages of Alzheimers/dementia, or was it caused by staff at the assisted living who were inept in dealing with her and then exacerbated by putting her in a place she was unfamiliar with and giving her heavy medications to control it? Either way, I know she's not suffering now, I'd just like to have some clarification about what led up to her death if possible.
about 1 month ago
It's been a long 10 years for me. I was a caregiver first for my mother when she started having problems and then for the last 4 years for my brother when he because seriously ill. My brother finally passed away almost a month ago today and I'm still feeling the shock and the sadness of his passing. I keep hoping and praying that he is in a better place where he is no longer suffering. It's just hard because my mother and father had already passed away and he was the only immediate family I had left. The house feels empty without him there. How do you learn to live again when you spent so much time taking care of someone else? The thought of getting back out into the world and dating or trying to make friends is a little scary. I feel like I've lost direction and I'm not sure where to go from here.
An anonymous caregiver said...
about 1 month ago
6 months ago, the love of my life, my first and only boyfriend of 3 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. 6 months on I am struggling to cope, I don't want to move on with my life. I don't want to go back to uni, but I also don't want to stay at home because I am making my family depressed. I've been to the doctors and I'm due to start therapy. aside from dealing with my grief, my boyfriends ex girlfriend is posting pictures of them together (e.g her sat on his knee). They were together for 6 months, but they worked together (she quit when they broke up) so she is getting a lot of support/shared memories on that front. It's hard to see. She's even started working. Back there. Problem is, I was also a very big part of the bar that he worked in (obviously), but now I feel like I can't even go in. I'm not sure what to do, I feel like my memories are being tainted. I love him with all my heart and that will never change but I don't know how to deal with the ex.
about 1 month ago
My brother is in the hospital, unconscious, and not expected to survive. I could use some advice on when to travel there. He is in Oklahoma and I am in California. We are very close with his wife/our sister in law and want to provide support to her I'm asking those of you who have gone through such a tremendous loss when you were ready for people to be there. We would most likely have to stay with her. Would it be best to try to get there before he dies? Should we wait for a few days after he dies so she has private time also, what would be an appropriate length of stay? I feel like I can say goodbye to my brother no matter how far apart we are. He knows I love him and I know he loves me so I'm more concerned about my sister in law
about 1 month ago
Hi all, I'm new to the site. So nice to see this. I feel like I'm losing myself! I lost my Mama 7 months ago & just lost Daddy on the 16th of July,2016. Mama's estate wasn't even finished yet! Both parents made my older sis & I 50/50 beneficiaries but her as executor. She seems to think the job of an executor is to take everything from me. She even changed the locks to the house so I can't stay there when I thought I'd help her clean out the house & go through things. I only came back home because I became sick. After I came home (4hrs. away) is when she did all this. Dad always thought she was the best as she always went straight to him w/secrets I told her but I never told him hers. Never did. Her secret would've gotten her disowned.! I know this as I had to tell him my only lie I ever told to them to not be disowned myself at 14 yrs old. She was in college! He also made this change in May even after knowing what he did to me during Mama's 6 months hospital stay before she died. Well, he KNEW HER side of it actually. I never told him mine cause I figured he had enough stress knowing he was losing his wife! I'm so confused-idk who to be mad at. Him, or my sister? Hubby says-"if you want to be mad at anyone be mad at your dad for giving her full control". I said-"yes, but she doesn't have to act the way she is & even so, he didn't mean for her to take everything including keeping me from my childhood possesions. Including both of their wedding bands! I was so angry to begin with as I wasn't even finished grieving for Mama & now I can't even grieve for either of them cause I'm so stressed out my health is continuing to suffer w/my depression,anxiety,BP/PULSE was 140/100 & 140,fibromyalgia & a myriad of back issues. It's easier said to just not think about it & relax! Help!??? Advice?? I can't even think at this point!
2 months ago
My grandfather passed away last Wednesday, July 20th around 2AM. He died in his sleep, but had the worst 6 months of his life this year battling lung cancer. His last month we had hospice come to the house once a week and he was angry almost every day then some days he was happy to be outside. The grandkids all spoke at his funeral on behalf of our family. He was cremated and is now at my grandmothers house, which has helped because we could talk to him and touch the box he is in. Now that I'm back at home and trying to get back to normal is when it is hitting me hard. I'm not near my family, i'm 6 hours away and I miss them dearly. I tried to go to work today, but had to come home because it was to hard. I know people say he is in a better place, which I know he is- but I'm mad because I want him here. I want everything to be the same. I miss him so much. I want to be able to go back to my grandparents house when I visit and see him, but the fact that I know that will never happen again hurts so bad. This is the first person I've had die and I was very close with him. He had a big piece of my heart and now it is just in pain. I know people say it will take time, but I've just never felt this sad. I keep hoping i'll go to sleep and dream about him and it'll make me feel better, but I haven't dreamt about him yet so I just keep waiting. My grandmother is doing ok, which helps. She is the one who saw him in all the pain every day so I know it must help her knowing he isn't in pain any longer. I don't want to cry in front of her or when I call her so this is first chance I've had to be alone since he passed and I can't stop crying. I had to leave work today. I'm hoping this pain passes and I can start to think of the good times, right now i'm just hurting so much.
3 months ago
Need advise desperately. My father just passed away.and I'm eldest daughter. My younger sister lived with him. And she was poa, and very difficult to work with. I haven't been able to see his will. And she's very materialistic. I don't want to fight with her. All I cared about was him. Not his belongings. And all she seems to care about is that she will have to pay for her own cable, phone, and food. Do I have any rights? And how can I find out my rights without making things harder for me with her? Anything will help?
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