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Being a Caregiver

It's easy to focus on everyone and everything other than yourself. In this online support group, we focus on the "i" in Caring and your role as a caregiver -- offering tips, advice and support to help with self caring.

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MariahW said...

about 10 hours ago

My husband is fairly healthy and active except for severe hearing loss only partially helped by the best hearing aides we could find. He misses enough words that he totally misunderstands a lot of what I say to him. Often he does not even respond. When his hearing loss first became apparent, I suggested that he learn to read lips or offered to learn sign language with him but he declined both. He was on a committee which I had to join so he could continue to participate. I am both his voice and his ears. If I know what he would want I speak for him. If not I have to "interpret" and ask his opinion. He seems withdrawn at times but wants to stay involved I get frustrated and angry at him and feel we have little communication. He also appears to have some memory loss which they now say can be linked to hearing loss but his thought processes otherwise seem to be OK. I feel guilty getting angry, but I get so frustrated and don't know how to help him anymore.

Sheila1944 said...

about 7 hours ago

24 days ago

MIL moved in with us 6 months ago. I retired 2 months ago. Now trying to keep my sanity and keep my marriage from falling apart.

Metrying said...

21 days ago

Sheila1944 said...

21 days ago

sjRog said...

27 days ago

I am a caregiver for my 83 year old mom who lives with me. Doctors cannot explain her condition. She was diagnosed with Dementia a year ago when she didn't know who I was anymore or where she was. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life and put her in a nursing home. It was the second time in a year that this happened. After several months she completely came out of her fog. Her mind was 100%. I then made arrangements to bring her home with nurses aides there when I work out of town overnight three nights a week. Now she is going into this dementia-like state again and things are getting very difficult for both of us. She calls me at work in the middle of the night and tells me she's scared and confused. I have promised her I will not put her in a nursing home again and I will not break that promise.

She has extreme difficulties with her knees and uses a walker in the house and a wheelchair when we go out. She also has a very serious lump on her breast and will not do anything about it. I am respecting her wishes with that too.

I am writing because I am starting to lose it. My patience is constantly tested and I lash out and she cries.

I don't know what to say to her when she's in this fog. She talks about frightening imaginary things that happened and I try to explain they aren't real. in

I just feel like I'm falling apart and afraid I can't take much more of this. I feel extremely guilty about it. She is a wonderful woman and I love her more than anything. But sometimes, when she is deep in her fog she says horrible things to me.

She has been in and out of this thing three times in as many years. I am just asking for some guidance as to how to handle her and make the last years of her life as pleasant as possible for her.

Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any advice.

Sheila1944 said...

27 days ago

sjRog said...

27 days ago

I am a caregiver for my 83 year old mom who lives with me. Doctors cannot explain her condition. She was diagnosed with Dementia a year ago when she didn't know who I was anymore or where she was. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life and put her in a nursing home. It was the second time in a year that this happened. After several months she completely came out of her fog. Her mind was 100%. I then made arrangements to bring her home with nurses aides there when I work out of town overnight three nights a week. Now she is going into this dementia-like state again and things are getting very difficult for both of us. She calls me at work in the middle of the night and tells me she's scared and confused. I have promised her I will not put her in a nursing home again and I will not break that promise.

She has extreme difficulties with her knees and uses a walker in the house and a wheelchair when we go out. She also has a very serious lump on her breast and will not do anything about it. I am respecting her wishes with that too.

I am writing because I am starting to lose it. My patience is constantly tested and I lash out and she cries.

I don't know what to say to her when she's in this fog. She talks about frightening imaginary things that happened and I try to explain they aren't real. in

I just feel like I'm falling apart and afraid I can't take much more of this. I feel extremely guilty about it. She is a wonderful woman and I love her more than anything. But sometimes, when she is deep in her fog she says horrible things to me.

She has been in and out of this thing three times in as many years. I am just asking for some guidance as to how to handle her and make the last years of her life as pleasant as possible for her.

Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any advice.

Ladymiller said...

27 days ago

Robbo17 said...

29 days ago

I lost my mum to cancer nearly two years ago. Since then I have changed my life to care for my dad. I am the cook, the cleaner, the washer of clothes, the shopper, the paper boy, the waiter, the one who sorts out all aspects of his life to make sure he is well in himself. I have a sibling who does very little he calls on the phone and talks and he takes my dad on holiday with his family once or twice a year which my dad has paid for the entire holiday on many occassions. On one hand my dad has me who does so much and yes I know he is greatful as he will say thank you to me sometimes, he takes it for granted that I will do what ever he needs. He will tell his friends that I will sort it all out for him. Then on the other hand he has my sibling who phones, "he is wonderful", "he cant come he is too busy", "he has his own life to think about", "he works alot". I too am busy and I work full time but I live with my dad and make sure he is ok every single day. When my dad has been in the hospital very unwell my sibling comes to the hospital for anything up to 15 minutes then "must be elsewhere" so leaves. I could write all day and not say all that I want to say.

Robbo17 said...

29 days ago

emptynest said...

27 days ago

2 months ago

I have an Aunt who is living with me with cancer, dementia, mini seizures, etc. (a lot of illness factors here). My husband was supportive at first but is now complaining. His mom was a cancer patient who passed away and I am sure there are feelings stemming from that horrible time. However, my Aunt has no one else and she is like my second Mom so sending her out alone during this challenging stage in her life is not an option. Any advice on handling this would be most appreciated.

2 months ago

Sheila1944 said...

2 months ago

Msulli910 said...

2 months ago

I have experience in healthcare and I have been asked to be a personal caregiver to a good friend's mother that has dementia and just a few were ago had a mini stroke. Does anyone have any tips on things to do with elderly patients with dementia, activities, etc?

Sheila1944 said...

2 months ago

emptynest said...

2 months ago

3 months ago

First of all my mother in law is wealthy. She has two daughters and two son's which one is my husband. His sisters refuse to help and has gone so far as to try to have my mother in law claimed incompetent. They did manage to have her claimed partially incompetent because she is almost 87 years old and forgets sometimes. Her only Health problem is that she is a diabetic. Our house is within seeing distance but she refuses to move in with us so my husband will not make her so we live with her. Her daughters do not help us at all but instead are constantly causing trouble for us. They hate me and I have lived and cared for their mother for six years now. We don't go anywhere together as husband and wife. My mother in law has a life alert necklace that she constantly wears and we even have a baby monitor beside our bed to her her every move. She doesn't think we should go anywhere so we don't because of my husband being so obsessed with her every want not just needs. I am so tired of being used by the whole bunch of them. Her daughters are so afraid that my husband will get one dollar more than they do and that's why they put her through the court process even though one of the daughters was her POA. They are going so far as trying to make us pay taxes for the electric, water and groceries she buys. We are constantly spending our own money that they don't even know about. This is all causing problems with our marriage. I feel helpless, unwanted and used while all the while I'm saving their inheritance by giving up my life for their mother. I'm sitting hear in tears because I don't see a change until she dies and I am not wishing that on her. Can someone help me deal with this please!!! A date night once a month would be nice but my husband is happy with staying right here with his mom and if we do ever go anywhere we have to be home by a certain time and he calls her while we're gone to see if she is ok. I need my own home!! Am I wrong?

talkey said...

3 months ago

3 months ago

4 months ago

I am tired of living with my 80 year old mother. She thankfully is in fairly good cognitive and physical health but I do all the cooking, cleaning and finding resources. This morning I made her cry because of trash and food. I had asked her to do two things to keep it under control. Well? She did not, and I am now dealing with maggots and bugs - these are outside in a deck box, but now THAT needs to be scoured - another job. on top of all of it is the 50 years worth of "stuff" that was moved here from another house she fornerly owned - all piled in the garage and basement. She owns the house but I have lived here over a decade. Am just tired of all of it. Depressed, not working and just sick of her.

Sheila1944 said...

4 months ago

>miTsy< said...

4 months ago

My story is not much different than so many of you, but I am filled to the gills with caregiving right now. My mother is 80 but in poor health, has had numerous TIAs and a stroke that blinded her in one eye, and beginnings of dementia.

I live on the same property but in a small house next door. My 22 year old do-nothing nephew lives with her and does little more than stuff his face and scream at his violent video games. He weighs about 350 lbs and epitomizes the 'living in his (grand)mommy's basement'. She complains about him all the time but if I do then it's 'don't be so hard on poor, poor David!'

I found my mother on the floor the other morning, she had fallen because her rheumatoid arthritis had settled painfully in her knee. She had been there for hours. She had a doctor's appointment early that morning and was so disoriented that I had to dress her and take her in a wheelchair to the doctor. She was totally out of it all day. Now that she is feeling better she is back to her needling, snarky 'can't you take a joke' behavior that I have come to hate. It is complaining couched in a 'ha-ha' attitude.

Mind you I am caring for our five acre farm, livestock, gardens, homes and rentals. I am a 60 year old woman and I do it all. I am also trying to put together an estate sale of my father's and brother's things that I have stuffed in my barn, shop and garage, (they both died in 2014) and I have developed tendonitis in my ankle, limiting my ability to get everything done. I have no other life, so I am stuck. I go to my religious fellowship on Saturdays and even that she begrudges.

I hate to wish her a speedy demise because that is not nice nor fair but I will be so relieved to be beyond her and able to move my nephew out on his adult way and be at peace again.

Sheila1944 said...

4 months ago

punky99 said...

4 months ago

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