10 Factors to Consider Before Moving Your Elderly Parents In

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If you decide to move an elderly parent or other aging relative in with you, you won't be alone: One out of every four caregivers lives with the elderly or disabled loved one he or she cares for. This arrangement can have many positives. If your parent or other loved one is still relatively healthy, he may be able to babysit or otherwise help around the house, contribute financially, and get to know your children in a way that would never be possible with only occasional visits.

But it's not right for everyone. It may be cheaper than putting the person in a nursing home (which costs about $80,000 per year on average) or an assisted living facility (about $43,000 per year on average), but you could pay a heavy price in terms of time, stress, fatigue, and strained relations.

Take the time to consider the following 10 questions when deciding whether to have someone live with you.

1. What kind of care will the person need?

What is the person's physical and mental condition and what chronic illness does he or she have? These are the first questions you need to answer.

SEE ALSO: Find In-Home Care Help Near You

If he's still relatively healthy and independent, this may be the ideal time to move him in. He can become accustomed to his new surroundings and will initially require little care from you or other family members. Your kids will get to know him while he's still healthy.

Most people don't consider caring for an elderly parent in their own home until he has some sort of health setback or crisis. In that case, it's very likely you'll be coping with the person's chronic illness. "Know the illness very well," says Donna Schempp, the program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance in San Francisco. "And not just the illness here and now. Where's this illness going to be six months, a year, two years, and five years from now? What are his care needs going to be now and in the future? You need that information."

Even if an aging family member is just slowing down and there's no specific illness such as Alzheimer's or cancer to deal with, you still need to anticipate his future condition based on family history or his personal history. Bringing someone to your home as an interim solution is another viable solution. It may be that he can live with you until his condition deteriorates to a point where he needs assisted living or memory care .

2. How much assistance and supervision can you provide?

Caring for an aging relative is a great way to give back some of the love, care, and nurturing he gave to you.

SEE ALSO: Find In-Home Care Help Near You

When you take care of someone, you provide a model for your children that shows them what caring and commitment are about. It prepares them for the time when you may need care from them and eventually when they may need care from their own children. It's good for children to learn how to nurture and to assist in the care. "Children can be very sweet and kind, even to a demented grandparent," says Schempp.

However, keep the following in mind as you consider how much assistance your relative needs:

  • Be realistic about what you can and can't do. Realize, too, that the level of assistance needed will most likely increase over time.
  • Know your limits. If the person needs help with bathing, dressing, or going to the bathroom, are you comfortable helping? If he's incontinent and the idea of changing a diaper makes you uncomfortable, you may need to find an in-home aide. On the other hand, maybe he's just becoming more forgetful, and you're really good at organizing his medications and helping him make sure to take them. Or perhaps you're good at paperwork and can cut through red tape and help with his Medicare or health insurance forms.
  • Consider your schedule. If you have a full-time job and young kids at home, consider the impact of taking in someone who needs a lot of assistance. If, for example, he needs help getting to the bathroom several times every night, you could soon be suffering from a major case of sleep deprivation. You may be reacting to a health crisis he has recently had, or thinking about the move as a preventive measure because he's slowly losing the ability to take care of himself. In either case, think about whether you have the time and energy to take this on.

3. How well do you get along?

Look at the history of your relationship with your family member. If you enjoy each other's company and can successfully resolve your differences, that's a real plus. That doesn't mean you can never argue or you have to be best friends.

All families have some conflict, and if both of you can get over it quickly or simply agree to disagree, then you've already done much of the groundwork. You may also be able to bond with him in a new way and forge a happier new relationship as an adult. Your children will have the opportunity to get to know their grandparent or other family member better, or perhaps for the first time.

If the two of you have never really gotten along, don't expect the relationship to change magically now. When he visits you, if you're grinding your teeth after an hour and feel like running out the door, then having him move in may not be a good idea. You may feel you're doing the right thing, but if you're both going to be miserable, it's probably wiser to pursue other options first.

Certain ailments, like Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia, can change someone's personality. This change can be for better or for worse. Will you be able to handle what happens when an illness like dementia progresses? The two of you may have always had a good relationship, but dementia can make him angry or paranoid in ways you've never seen before. On the other hand, a difficult person could become very sweet. "You just don't know," says Schempp. "When you move someone in with you, you have to know what the backup plan is: If this doesn't work out, what's going to happen next?"

4. Is your home older-adult-friendly, and if not, can you make it so?

Ideally, place an older adult on the first floor so he doesn't have to climb any stairs. If that's impossible, and he can't handle stairs, you can consider putting in an automatic stair lift. Similarly, if you have steps leading up to your front door, you may have to put in a ramp that enables adaptive access ($400 and up, plus installation).

Here are some other things to consider:

  • Is there a bathroom available on the floor the older adult is on?
  • Is the bathroom big enough to handle a wheelchair or walker if necessary? For a wheelchair, the doorway needs to be at least 32 inches wide, and preferably 36 inches.
  • Will one of your children have to give up a bedroom? Could a child share his or her bedroom with the older adult?
  • If there's no extra bedroom, can you convert a living room or den into a bedroom? Can you convert an attic or basement into a bedroom for you or a child and have your parent or relative move into an existing bedroom?
  • Will everyone have a level of privacy they're comfortable with?
  • What renovations will be necessary to make your home older-adult-friendly, and how will you pay for it?

A good source for a variety of suppliers selling a wide range of home modification products is the National Resource Center on Supportive Housing and Home Modification.

5. Will your family member contribute financially?

Moving someone into your home can be a financial drain, but it can also have financial benefits.

  • Lighten your financial burden by having your family member contribute. Older adults often want to contribute to the household and can pay more than a nominal amount for food. Many pay rent if they can afford it, or pay for some or all of the renovations required to prepare your home.
  • There's no single right or wrong way to handle finances. Your family needs to decide what will work best for everyone. Come to a financial agreement with your family member before making the decision to have him move in. This won't necessarily be easy, because money is an emotionally charged subject in most families. To avoid problems or resentments later, have open discussions about this up front.
  • By pooling your resources, you might come up with a better living arrangement for everybody. Using the financial resources of both of you, you may be able to get a home that's much more comfortable than either of you could afford alone. "I know a number of people who bought a bigger, better house for everybody to live in together," says Schempp.
  • Include siblings in the money talks. If you're receiving money from your family member, will your siblings agree with this, or will they object or resent it? Will your siblings help pay for the cost of care? Big financial issues often arise between caregivers and their siblings. "How are your siblings going to feel about you getting paid money that was eventually going to be their inheritance?" Schempp asks. "There's no simple answer. It's really about families talking and deciding what the agreement is going to be."
  • Find out if you can get paid for the care you provide. Is your parent eligible for Medicaid? If so, you may be able to get a paycheck for the care you provide to them. Most states have a Cash and Counseling program that allows eligible elderly adults to “hire” a caregiver, which could include an adult child or other relative, for the care they are provided. The chosen caregiver usually receives an hourly rate that is less than the state’s hourly average for home care.

If you move someone in, it will probably cost you, both in dollars and lifestyle. A recent study by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and Evercare found that caregivers spend on average about $5,500 a year out of pocket to care for an aging relative. A smaller study by the NAC showed the numbers may be much higher: Those who lived with their parent spent almost $15,000 a year for care.

How do people afford it? The study found that most make sacrifices elsewhere:

  • Almost half cut back on vacations and leisure activities.
  • One-third dip into savings.
  • One-quarter cut back on groceries and spending for their own health or dental care to help pay for their aging parent's care.

6. How do your spouse and children feel about the move-in?

This may be a great opportunity for your children to form close ties with their grandparent or other family member. The United States today is such a mobile society that children often don't get much chance to be around older members of the family. Some children barely know their grandparents, especially if they live far away. If the grandparent is still relatively healthy, your children could benefit from the stories Grandpa or Grandma can tell, the oral history and life lessons they can pass down, the arts and crafts they may be able to teach your children, not to mention the babysitting services that benefit everyone.

When you take in an older adult, you're modeling how to take care of your own family and teaching your children the meaning of commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice. Children need to be prepared for the extra chores that might be necessary to take care of Grandpa and to relinquish some of the spotlight, since their needs will now sometimes take a back seat to their grandparent's. A child may have to give up her bedroom or share it with a sibling or with an older adult, and she may need help adapting.

Do your spouse and older family member get along, or do they bicker? An older adult who's in decent health may not require a lot of attention. But if he needs a lot of help and supervision, you and your spouse will get a lot less alone time and your social lives may be put on hold. Make sure you're both prepared for this sacrifice before proceeding.

7. Will your family member be able to live by the rules of your house?

When someone moves in with you, it creates a sea change in your relationship. You're now the primary caretaker and decision-maker, not your older relative.

It's an opportunity for your entire family to reassess current rules, decide which ones work, and make new ones where necessary. If everyone is willing to adapt and compromise, you can create household rules that work for the entire family and give your older relative a chance to adjust gracefully to his new dependent role.

These are some of the issues:

  • Will he be able to adjust to the loss of some of the independence and perhaps the space and privacy he's used to?
  • Will he respect your values with regard to your children and how you live your life?
  • If he smokes or drinks, is that going to be a problem in your home?
  • Will he respect the levels of cleanliness and orderliness you're comfortable with in your home?
  • Does he have a pet you're taking in? If so, will he respect your boundaries with regard to pet behavior and cleanliness?

Some older adults adjust to their dependent role easily. Others fight it, or are depressed or angered by it. In the case of a parent, will he accept your assistance? Will you be thrust back into your old role of son or daughter, with your parent constantly telling you what to do? Will he make you feel as though you never get it right and can never do enough to satisfy his needs? If so, you may just grin and bear it. Or you could take this as an opportunity to set some new boundaries and forge a new relationship.

8. Will you and your family be able to adjust to the lifestyle changes involved in having an older adult in the house?

Think about meals, noise levels in the house, what's on the stereo. Will everyone's preferences and styles be compatible?

This may be an opportunity to try some new foods that everyone can enjoy. If your older relative needs to eat bland food and your family likes spicy food, you can put the extra salt and spices on the table to add individually to plates.

If you have a teenager who's used to making noise and playing loud music but Grandpa needs quiet at night, perhaps your teen can adjust by using headphones after a certain hour.

If he moves into your home and quarters are cramped, it may take a while to adjust to the loss of privacy and personal space. On the other hand, if you're able to pool your resources and move everyone to a new, larger home, it can be a win-win situation for everyone.

Your family may have to put off some vacations and leisure activities to take care of your parent or relative. If so, this is a chance for your kids to learn the importance of making sacrifices, however difficult, for the greater good of the family.

9. Do you have the time to take this on?

If you're working full time, seriously consider the time it takes to have a dependent older adult at home.

  • Aside from personal care, there are many logistics to take care of. An independent elderly adult can make his own arrangements, but otherwise the burden of making phone calls for services and medical appointments will fall on you. You may have to fill out medical forms and deal with insurance companies. If he doesn't drive, then a family member has to take him to appointments and meetings. Can you do that given your current work schedule?
  • If he requires full- or part-time supervision, who will do that while you're at work? Can you afford to cut back your hours at work when someone moves in? Or you may need a more flexible schedule to care for him. Does your job provide that option? These are things you need to discuss with your employer before you decide to move someone in. More than a few caregivers have lost or given up their jobs because they couldn't juggle the competing demands of work and taking care of elderly parents.
  • Take the time to take care of yourself. If you take soemone into your home, you'll want to figure out how to balance your care giving with some care receiving. Caregivers are more prone to illness due to stress and exhaustion, the so-called "caregiver syndrome." And because they're taking care of others, they often forget or hesitate to ask for help themselves. To replenish your mind, body, and spirit, you'll want to think about taking a yoga class, getting a massage, or going to the spa. There are also many support groups for caregivers, either in-person or online. It helps to realize you're not alone in what you're going through. Several organizations offer support groups and classes for caregivers, including the National Alliance for Caregiving, the National Family Caregivers Association, and the Family Caregiver Alliance.

10. Will your elderly relative have a social network available?

If he's moving a long distance to live with you, he's leaving his social network and friends. Most caregivers drastically underestimate how hard it is and how long it takes for someone to adjust to a new environment in a new town. "It's huge," says Schempp. "How are you going to deal with their loneliness issues? They're going to look to you for their socialization. How are you going to either integrate them into your life or help them create a new life for themselves?"

If you and your spouse are at work and the kids are at school, that could mean a lot of alone time for your elderly parent. Rather than have him just sit around and watch TV all day, you'll want to find out whether there's a senior center or adult daycare facility nearby. Does he drive or will you or another family member have to provide transportation? Is he healthy enough to use public transportation?

Are adult daycare facilities available near you? They offer personal care such as exercise and even transportation, and provide cultural activities such as art or photography classes or trips to museums. Likewise, senior centers can provide a great social network and generally are free or have very low annual membership fees.

Mard Naman

Mard Naman has written extensively on health, housing, and real estate issues for San Francisco magazine, Diablo magazine, the Institutional Real Estate Letter, and other publications. See full bio

4 months, said...

My 87 year old mother moved in with my family almost two years ago after a health scare. It was a decision made in haste. We have the space for her. She has her own bedroom, bathroom and small kitchen . It was great at first. But, my mother suffers from mental illness and as time has progressed it has become very difficult. I also have my 11 year old grandson along with my husband in the household. Just some examples of our daily lives.....my husband forgot, after working 12 hours, to take out her garbage and she called my siblings, there is 6 of them, and told them he wouldn't take out her garbage. She misplaces things and tells my siblings my grandson is doing it bc he hates her. He's actually very good to her. She is very demanding on him, but he does everything She asks. She tells my siblings we ignore her and that she is lonely all the time. I am constantly asking her to join us and I take her places all the time. We have coffee every day together. She becomes very hateful when she doesn't get her way every time like if I am not able to take her out to lunch. I homeschool during the day so that's hard to do sometimes. She refuses to let me help her shower, she opts for a sink bath. I do just about everything to make her happy yet she threatens all the time that she is moving to a nursing home. She can't afford that. It has become a very stressful place to live. I will be good to her and love her and continue to do what I can for her. But, please don't jump right in and say you'll take a parent in. Do the pros and cons. Look at other options. It is not all walking down memory lane, laughter, sharing heart-felt moments. It is hard. Also, I mentioned I have 6 siblings. It is a very rare occasion that they help out. So, make sure you have a support system who will jump in and help bc it can be very physically and mentally exhausting.

4 months, said...

Does anyone consider the spouse in this? I been living with in law over 40 years, it has not been a happy house with him in it. These last couple years have been hell, I been ready for a long time to put Dad in nursing home, but husband will not let go. Soon I will go because I been looking for our time for years. I see our time will never come, so I going it alone very soon. Consider your spouse, how long, other factors. No alone time or vacations. I will tell you this I worked in a nursing house for years and they take really good care of your parent, I know for that for a fact.

4 months, said...

This is a good article - helpful in perspective...thanks My wife's mother moved in with us about 8 years ago - as we had the room and financial ability to help her. We built her an apartment in our home. She is medically frail, is incontinent often and requires my wife's assistance with almost all activities...wife does her meds, all MD visits - (about 5 per month), meals, laundry, bathing and often helps her to dress. The MIL likely has some early dementia but can have simple conversations, walks short distances. So I am feeling guilty and resentful for the following: 1. Wife has adult sisters and only one begrudgingly takes the MIL for one weekend per month. If I ever bring up to wife to have sisters participate more in the MIL care, I get significant anger directed towards me....usually a horrible argument. 2. MIL sits with us and participates in every meal we have together which is basically dinner ( as we both work) and all meals on weekends. I can never have a normal conversation with my wife since the MIL begins to discuss nonsensical things or repetitive (same every meal) stories to which we both do our best to humor and respond to her. BUT - this means that we have normalcy in most meals...unless wife and I go out for dinner which might be once per week. In addition, MIL has habits which I find repulsive at the dinner table. I have tried to rise above and not let it bother me but as I am sitting within 2 feet of her at the table, I cannot ignore. For example - she may belch 5-10 times during the meal. She makes no attempt to stifle it or close her mouth but actually seems to bear down with her abdomen to make it louder. Kind of like you would do when you were a child and want to anger your parent. Second, she constantly has a picking issue....picking at her face until she has tiny sores all over her face with blood ooozing. Then she proceeds to jab her finger in her mouth to endlessly root around for a piece of food in her back tooth. 3. I may have mentioned she has many accidents of both B& B. But whenever she the bathroom - it becomes unusable by anyone else as she leaves the mess all over the seat, often the floor and faucet nobs. 4. She is extremely lazy...maybe a result of her partial dementia...I don’t know. When she wants a cookie, she has no problem getting up to help herself but for EVERYTHING else...she has what I will call a princess wand. Can you get me a cup of tea, a napkin, milk, everything? When dinner ends....she will sit there and help with nothing...but she will ask for her dessert while we buzz around her. If I make the mere mention for Mom to bring over her dishes to the sink - I get a scorned look from my wife as though I have violated something. OK - I love my wife and MIL. I do my best to be supportive (financially and in meal prep, dishes, housework....never as much as my wife I admit)...but there are times when I feel like I am going to loose my mind. Am I wrong to want to have meals and conversation with my wife...maybe 3 times a week...alone? Am I wrong to ask my wife to get her sisters more involved in Moms care...so we can experience alone time? BTW - they receive money per month....for what I do not know???

4 months, said...


5 months, said...

I have my 2 parents that are both suffering from depression and Alzheimer. They are both stubborn and refuse to live with anyone. They cannot care for themselves because of the Alzheimer, they forget pretty much everything. What can I do to help them or find a place that can help them? There is no money but their social security benefits, that's it. Please offer some guidance.

7 months, said...

What ever you do, do not take a parent in! My father in law has lived with us for 40 years, my children are gone and want nothing to do with us. Which is sad. Now in law this last year has gone under cancer treatments, radiation, many of doctors, 5 times to hospital. He is still here and with us. We as caregivers are tired, getting no help, there is no senior place to take him for a couple hours. The saddest part his insurance stinks. Making us drive 50 to 60 miles one way to go to his doctors. All I got to said put parent in a nursing home and have that time together with the one you married!

8 months, said...

There's a lot of good advice here that I did not follow. Me and my partner bought a house with a granny flat for her mum (old, but very active) and dad (post-brain-hemorrhage and needing quite a lot of care) to move into, Crucially we did not agree any ground rules up front. We argue a lot now about respecting our privacy, basically after 8pm we don't want random visits. They see a shared house, we see two houses where we live - most of the time - as neighbors. It has not been a happy time by any stretch of the imagination. It feels like we can't apply rules now, like that the time for agreeing them has passed.

12 months, said...

My younger sister takes care of my 94 yr old mother and has been doing so for the last 8yrs or more. Mom is mentally sharp but physically unable to do more than just used her Walker a few steps to the bathroom. She's incontinent and very stubborn about her hygiene. My sister works a full-time job and her husband does too. But he does most her mommas care. We recently decided that mom would be better off moving with me her other daughter who lives 12 hours out of state. But I am a professional caregiver and work in my own personal home with 2 other elderly persons that are not relatives. Plus I am home 24/7 and gave assistance from my brother who also lives with me and is at home full-time. My husband works a full-time job. I live in a quiet country neighborhood with lots a space in my home and the ability to give my mom full-time care with a serene and comfortable atmosphere. Problem is my sister although complains of how its too much on her and complains she doesn't have any help with mom's care and that mom is too difficult now is in denial about letting us take care of mom and give her the break she needs. How do I convince my sister to let go of mom and let us help? My sister is also in control of mom's finances and I'm not sure she's willing to let go of that. And of course we will need the financial compensation to care for mom. I'm not sure I can trust my sister to send mom's pension and social security timely or completely. How can I coordinate mom's finances to follow her with the move. Oh and by the way mom doesn't want to make the move because she's afraid of traveling by car or air. The plan is to get her in the car and just go. Once she's here I know my mom will love it.

over 1 year, said...

My husband and I invited my single fraternal twin sister to live with us to decrease her stress. She is at the end of stage one Parkinson's Disease. We are still navigating how much rent she will contribute and what chores and food prep/meals she'll help with. We are in a pretty healthy place even though we are learning how to live with a "third" adult in the home. We desire to work through misunderstandings and are learning how to do that. As fraternal twins, we were not really close, and different as night and day. It is our desire as a couple to love and serve my sister as long as we can. We understand that the future is uncertain regarding her disease, but we remain hopeful that our amazing Savior Jesus will guide us. She does have adult children also who may someday be able to help if need be. I'm thankful for the many helpful suggestions in this article.

over 1 year, said...

My problem is with my 80 year old mom. She has heart issues which were discovered 2 weeks ago. She wanted 3 beers to celebrate the New Year, but my husband refused her. She's lived with us for a year and a half. My little sister had come to bring her some food. My little sister said she'd be back, but, we didn't know she was on a beer run for my mom! She came back with a 6 pack and my husband told her his new rules. She got very contentious and my husband told her about my mom's health issues, which she was unaware of. She thinks we're lying because she said she was going to call the doctor to verify what we're saying. The disagreement went back and forth till I discovered my mom has been gossiping and bad-mouthing me to my sister and God only knows who else. We help her with her appointments, therapy sessions, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc and this is how she repays me and my husband. I'm very hurt by what she's done and said. I never came out of my bedroom to confront my sister because I knew she wanted to have some type of show down with me and I'm not doing this. I've got blood pressure problems and this isn't happening. So, my husband and I are dealing with her anger on top of my sisters anger. We've thought about going to our local Adult Protective Services to ask for advice and we called the police to try to get some recourse for our problem. Do any of you have any suggestions?? Thank you.

almost 2 years, said...

My husband's parents moved in with us because they could not afford to live on there own. Also my mother-in-law has no short term memory and dad needed some help. My husband has 4 siblings who basically have nothing to do with their parents and my husband travels a lot. We are ready for them to move out, as we would like to sell our house. What are our options to get them the help they need as we go on with our lives? And are we now financally obligated to help them for the rest of their lives since they lived with us?

almost 2 years, said...

In some states couples are required to be legally seperated before divorced. The same should go for moving your aging parent in. I think men are thrilled to have the 2 women they love most under the same roof. Queens of their castle suffer though. All day I look forward to telling hubby about my day events to be met with competing for speaking time. Electric bill is higher, food bill gone up, an occasional hurtful comment gone unnoticed, tv blaring all day even though she has her own space, more clutter keeps appearing, refrigerator ridiculously overflowing, changing our favorite meals to adapt to her diet and tastes, never walking through house half dressed, asking them to not do something and hurt their feelings, waiting in line for the washing machine, extra vehicle in driveway. All cases are different, but that is a list of something every woman will face. You may not have piles of spilled coffee grounds, dropped pills on the floor, endless qvc clutter, piles of paperwork around, 2 ply toilet paper clogging the septic, but you WILL have your unique daily issues to make you want to avoid your own home as well. Test drive this for several months before making a permanent commitment. You will thank me later.