Demystifying Your Aging Parents' New Stage of Life

Understanding this new stage of life can help you improve communication and avoid power struggles.
Three generations

Bridging a generation gap with elderly parents

Those of us who are caring for elderly parents are often bewildered by the decisions they make -- and by their seemingly stubborn refusal to follow our advice. We shake our heads over their obsession with the past, their caution, and the glacial pace with which they make decisions and move through the world. As much as we love our parents, dealing with them can often be fraught with tension and frustrating, as we try to bridge a communications gap as yawning as any we've experienced with rebellious toddlers or teenagers.

Part of the problem is that we tend to think about our elderly parents as more wrinkled, less capable versions of the people they used to be. As a society, we take it for granted that old age is a time of decline rather than development and personal growth.

But experts who study the psychology of the elderly paint a richer, more complicated picture of aging. It turns out that aging involves distinct developmental stages and that elderly people have pressing life tasks they need to accomplish if they're to end their lives with resolution and meaning. It's true that aging is challenging and painful -- probably more painful than we can conceive. But the experience of aging can also be fulfilling and profound if it's approached with insight and clarity and with the support of caring children and loved ones.

By understanding your elderly parents' experience, you'll be better equipped to communicate with and help them -- so they'll enjoy an old age you may wish to emulate when your turn comes around.

The powerful forces that shapes our aging parents' behavior

According to theories of human development formulated by psychologist Erik Erickson, humans go through distinct stages as they grow from infant to adult. These stages are dominated by what Erickson called "crises," that is, the conflicting impulses that drive us and facilitate growth. It's by resolving these crises that we're able to move on to the next developmental stage and eventually grow into mature adults. Much research has gone into understanding and explaining the stages children go through, and this work has helped to shape our modern theories of child development, as well as our contemporary approaches to parenting.

Much less attention has been paid to the experience of older people, but geriatric experts contend that humans continue to face developmental tasks into old age. In his book How to Say It to Seniors , author David Solie, who specializes in geriatric issues, describes the developmental tasks that the elderly face, and explains how these tasks shape their behavior -- whether they're aware of it or not.

Solie describes the crises of the elderly as a conflict between control and legacy issues. And while he writes in universal terms, it's important to remember that every individual is different, and each person's experience of aging will have a lot to do with personal and environmental factors, as well as developmental ones.

Control looms large for our parents as they experience the deterioration of their physical health and mental acuity, as well as the loss of their homes and independence and the deaths of friends and life partners. Given these monumental losses, it's no wonder that elderly people tend to fight for control over the few areas of life they're still able to manage.

In her book Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, psychologist Mary Pipher argues that inevitable or not, the losses elderly people endure can be devastating. She says that many elderly people exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the same affliction suffered by many soldiers returning from war. The elderly, she says, "are ordinary healthy people for whom all hell has broken loose."

Even as they struggle to accept and come to terms with their losses and to hold on to what remains, older people are engaged in an effort to shape and understand their legacy -- that is, to comprehend what their life has meant and the memories that will live on after they die.

Coming to terms with one's legacy is a tremendous job, according to Solie, and has a powerful effect on a person's actions, whether he's aware of it or not. Helping an elderly parent identify and create his or her legacy can also be a tremendously healing process, and it can mean the difference between lonely, alienating final years or deeply rewarding ones for parent and child alike.

Understanding our elderly parents' concerns (and how they conflict with ours)

By coming to grips with the developmental tasks that preoccupy elderly people -- and how these tasks conflict with our own middle-aged agendas -- adult children can more effectively communicate with and support their aging parents.

Solie, who's working on a book about the developmental stages of middle-aged adults, points out that our middle age agendas are often in direct conflict with those of our parents. We're juggling a million work and family challenges and like to move quickly and efficiently through the world, accomplishing one task after another and checking it off our "to do" lists. It's no wonder that our parents' reflections on the past and their reluctance to make decisions exasperate us. In addition, given our youth-oriented society, most of us are on a permanent quest to remain young (or at least young-looking). So it's no surprise that we have little tolerance or empathy for those who've already reached the place we have no desire to go.

Miscommunications between adult children and their parents

Because adult children tend to be in the dark about what their adult parents are going through, they often interpret their parents' wandering conversational style or stubborn behavior as a sign that they're failing or developing dementia. Because of such misunderstandings, it's common for adult children to become trapped in struggles over issues like housing and health care. These battles and miscommunications not only damage relationships but dist ract our aging parents from important legacy work they need to accomplish. Consider some typical examples of miscommunication between adult children and their parents:

Example 1: You're trying to talk to your widowed father about where he's going to live now that his health is failing. You're in a hurry to get the matter resolved, but your father keeps drifting off the subject to tell stories about how he found this house years ago when he and your mother were newlyweds.

What's really going on : Your father is consciously or unconsciously engaged in the life review process as part of understanding his legacy. As he contemplates leaving this house for good, he's looking back on all this house has meant to him since he first moved there with his young bride.

Example 2 : Your mother has complained several times that her eyes are bothering her and that she's having trouble reading at night. Yet every time you suggest making an appointment with her eye doctor, she resists. When you go ahead and make an appointment, she cancels it at the last minute, insisting that her eyes are fine.

What's really going on : Over the last few years, your mother has had to give up playing tennis because of her arthritis, and two of her oldest friends, who she often used to travel with, have died. She may be resisting the eye exam in part because she doesn't want to know if her eyes are failing, as this could mean more restrictions on her lifestyle and loss of independence.

Example 3 : Every time you visit your parents, all they seem to talk about is health problems — not even their own health problems, but those of friends, neighbors, even perfect strangers. Don't they have anything better to talk about?

What's really going on : When you consider that their failing bodies are robbing them of mobility, independence, and ultimately, life, it makes sense that many older people are fixated on health issues According to Mary Pipher, "Illness is the battle ground of old age. It's where we make our last stand. It's the World War, the Great Depression, the Hurricane Hugo. Like all post-traumatic stress victims, the old are interested in trauma stories. They talk to work through the trauma."

How to sidestep power struggles with elderly parents

Understanding what your parents are going through won't make all your frustrations disappear, but it can improve your communication and help you support your elderly parents as they navigate this challenging new stage of life. David Solie encourages adult children to sidestep power struggles with their elderly parents whenever possible and to instead try to build a partnership.

Here are a few simple but essential steps you can take to improve your communication with your elderly parent:

Make time: Your interactions with your elderly parents will be more satisfying and productive if you can carve out substantial time to spend with them, rather than dropping in for five minutes or touching base by phone between meetings at work. Of course, you probably don't have time to spend hours with your parents every day, but if you regularly make time for lunch, a cup of tea, or a weekend visit if you live far away, you'll be more likely to have the conversations that reveal underlying concerns and help legacy issues emerge.

Listen, listen, listen: Make sure to take the time to really listen to your parents. If they bring up something that seems unrelated to the matter at hand, it's always tempting to interrupt and steer them back on track. But if you pay attention, you may find that a seemingly irrelevant point indicates a concern you weren't aware of. Encourage your parents to reminisce, and pay careful attention to the story behind the story.

Ask good questions: If your parents are reflecting on an experience or sharing a memory, try to help them gain more understanding of the experience by asking open-ended questions. For example, if your mom remembers a trip with a beloved sister, ask, "what was your relationship with Aunt Susanna like?" Good questions will help facilitate your parents' life review process.

Consider creative ways you can help your parents shape their legacy: You can help your parents build a legacy through concrete, communal projects, like making photo albums, interviewing them for an oral history, or making a quilt or other hand crafted object together.

You'll never regret the time you devote to understanding your parents' experience -- and all you've done to help them gain a clearer perspective on their lives.


8 months ago, said...

It is a brilliant article and one I hope to use to improve the quality I give to my ageing mother Thanks I needed to read this


9 months ago, said...

Amazing information. Thank you. This is the best one yet.


about 1 year ago, said...

This is the best article I have read to date about caring for elderly parents. My parents are both 92 and were in excellent health until 5 months ago when my mother became permanently blind. She went from self-sufficient senior to depressed and helpless in a matter of days. I wish more than anything I could have her back the way she was - and I wish I appreciated her more the way she was instead of losing patience and arguing. We do need to cherish our parents (even when they drive you crazy) because things can change in an instant. This article has really helped me to understand things from the elderly perspective - thank you.


over 1 year ago, said...

How do I talk with my children about what is going on with me? I am 63 I am still pretty active but friends are asking me if I have talked with my children about my forgetfulness and needing help remembering my doctors explanations of several health issues that I should tell them about. I have always taken care of myself but realizing that I need help but do not want to be a burden on either of my two children who live across the country,are not married, do not have children but have careers that are very demanding. I taught them to go do what they love. They did. I have great friends but we are all getting older some have passed away. I believe my daughter thinks I will be able to take care of myself forever. If I mention I am forgetting words she says..yes, isn't that frustrating, I do that too sometimes. Don't worry about that your doing great. I did have to ask my son last month for some money to help with somethings that come up once a year. Then he calls and tells me that this means he won't be able to come home for Christmas. Christmas has been the only time of the year that I have seen him for several years. I get the 5 minute phone call from my daughter on Christmas day. And here I sit thinking I am asking for too much. We were close when they were growing up. My son and I did lots of camping and hiking. My daughter and I have looked at things differently on some things but I have always been there to help her. Overall she and I agree on things except when mom asks for something from her. This has only been a few times, and were small request like going somewhere with me. She has an important job that I support her doing and my son is a captain with a fire department in Colorado.. They are caring people just can't see mom needing anything. I am realizing that I am not the only person with this issue. We are still able to be a part of decisions about our care but want and need to be a part of going forward with our lives while we still can. How can I address this?


over 1 year ago, said...

Great and timely article for I am experiencing this with my mom. My greatest fear, however, is that while my mother is striving to maintain her independence and dignity, she continues to make decisions that could impact her life, such as driving, falling because she wants to keep up with others or not receiving the care and support she needs because she has alienated herself from everyone. Specific strategies to address these types of scenarios would be very helpful; if they were mentioned in the article I missed them.


almost 2 years ago, said...

Hi I lost my father in 2011. He and my mom were married for 55 years. When he got ill i took care of him for 6 months in and out of hospitals because my siblings couldnt handle it. My mom lost Her soulmate and now lives with me and my partner, since 2012. She has many medical issues and is very stubborn. I'm learning how to cope to give her the best of what's left, but I get so frustrated that I find myself arguing with her. It hurts me because she has difficulty expressing herself. She wants to be independent and doesn't want me to nagging her to shower. Help me understand her better please. I want her to be happy.


almost 2 years ago, said...

My mom has sleep apnea. My dad cant sleep because he has to jostle her if she starts chocking or breathing in the middle of the night. She refuses to use the cpap machine. I thought about an adjustable bed?


about 2 years ago, said...

My mother is 78 years old, I quit my job to take care of her 5 years ago. She has always told my sister and I that she wants no heorics to be done to prolong her life. My mother had her bladder removed in 1989 and has a Koch Pouch, she chronic bronchitis, Sundowner's and Multi-Resistant Pseudomonas Pneumonia in her lungs and bladder area. She has been hospitalised for all the above more times than I care to mention. She has wasted away three times in the past five years to less than 70 pounds and through feeding tubes along with two daily meals, I have gotten her weight back up to 100 pounds, each time more profoundly difficult than the previous time. Her cousin recently mentioned to me that what I am doing is heroic. I guess I never thought about it that way. Any thoughts.


over 2 years ago, said...

These are great perspectives, let’s hope more people adopt them to better understand their parents.


over 2 years ago, said...

I love your article.


over 2 years ago, said...

any help trying to make her understand me will be greatly appreciated because I believe she has dementia.


almost 3 years ago, said...

My elderly father talks nonstop and won't listen to anything we say. He lies constantly and now says he knows my husband "pokes" or "hurts" his dog when he's not looking(he's never seen it, he just knows). My husband would never hurt any animal and helps my father more than anyone. There is just know reasoning with him. I try to have patience with him, but he complains constantly. We are in our 60's and it's getting tougher!


about 3 years ago, said...

This helped a lot in that I have no idea how to respond to my stubborn, independent, self-reliant parents. My father is the worst and has become abusive. I am at wits end.


over 3 years ago, said...

What do you do when some of the "legacy" a parent is creating is an out and out lie just to make themselves look good. i.e. a couple of years ago I had a seizure which caused me to collapse and pass out (fortunately my wife was there to call 911). My mother never left the dining room table, but her version is that she came into the room and said "breath Howard breath" and I started to breath. Pure BS but sounds much better than "I sat at the dining room table finishing my brunch while my son died in the next room."


over 3 years ago, said...

Less verbiage and more concise steps.


over 3 years ago, said...

I understand their trauma stories, but at 60, I have health problems myself.


about 4 years ago, said...

Regarding the vision failing and the need for eye glasses example. My mom, while in rehab could not see the TV (10 feet away) without her driving glasses. So, when she was out of rehab, my siste took her to an optomotrist for a eye check and had to buy new glasses which she now refuses to where because "old people need glasses to drive." Of course this is the same woman who passed her last driving test by borrowing the glasses of the DMV clerk behind the counter. She lied to the clerk and told her she "just forgot her regular driving glasses" and the VERY nice clerk offerred my mom her( the clerk's) glasses so my mom passed.


about 4 years ago, said...

If someone could give me a few tips for a single adult male child (middle aged) caring for both parents beyond their seventies. Father still insisting on work involving traveling inspite of health issues.


about 4 years ago, said...

Our parents are only here for a borrowed amount of time. Make the most of that precious time because once they are gone, nothing can take you back to them. Don't forget about the people that brought you into the world. Yes it can get crazy when they mention things that have no relevance, and when they decide to re-live past moments but this article explains why....it's part of their life cycle. The great love that i have for my parents outshines everything. Remember, if you want to be in you childrens life tomorrow make sure you are present in their lives today.