Caring for a Spouse
Welcome to this online support group for spousal caregivers! Please introduce yourself - Ask for advice - Share your experiences caring for your husband, wife or partner. Talk about ailments and treatments, caregiving and relationship challenges, daily life, your tips for others. Vent, laugh, and come back to this online support group as often as you need to feel less alone. Some featured conversations to help you get started...
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Wornout Wife said...
We hit a new low. About a month ago he realized how self-centered he was being. I got sucked in to believing him. Then a few weeks later he sends me an EMAIL while I am at work (which is incredibly stressful) to tell me he loves his hobby “more than ever” (going out at night to tape bands at music shows and bars) and isn’t going to stop, regardless of the fact that I get woke up around midnight or 1 am when he comes home and I have to go to work the next day.
I am done. I took off my rings. I don’t want to feel them on me anymore. Just can’t wait to get the debt paid off.
I have been caregiving for my husband for over a year and a half. We have only been married eight years as of last week. Last year he had an aortic valve replacement. That went well but he spent 3 1/2 months in the hospital and rehab because he has a Plearle effusion and had three chest tubes. He lost his FMLA, insurance, and job. Also his self-esteem when he had to go onto disability. He is not old enough to get Medicare and told me that he has to be on disability for two years before he can get Medicare. I am working a full-time job that I have is it for the last 3 1/2 years since I started. I feel very trapped because I have to keep this job because it’s the only insurance we have. When he lost his job he lost 2 FMLA, insurance, and job. Also his self-esteem when he had to go onto disability. He is not old enough to get Medicare and told me that he has to be on disability for two years before he can get Medicare. I am working a full-time job that I have is it for the last 3 1/2 years since I started. I feel very trapped because I have to keep this job because it’s the only insurance we have. When he lost his job and went on disability he lost over $2000 a month. We are simple people and live a simple life but that $2000 a month was a huge hit. I do not make that much money myself and we have my 92-year-old mother living with us that I care for also. She is doing better than both of us and wants to be independent as long as she can. So we are very blessed that she can do the things for herself that she can. Basically we give her her mental support provide the food that she eats And help her get into and out of the shower. Otherwise she basically self sustainable. She had her own apartment until last year when My husband went in for the valve replacement. I realized that I could not keep caring for two different houses and work full-time, do the yard, care for five dogs and no judgment on that please because they are part of my sanity/insanity. And they are also our children if you might say that. My husband has a son that takes no time to check in or check out with him for the most part. He depends on me to text him updates on how dad is doing. My husband‘s sister is also useless for the most part she has her own little world but she lives in and basically that’s all she cares about. Too many issues with her and her two sons that we don’t want to even get involved in. So basically I am feeling totally alone. I have my own depression and high anxiety issues. I work in a clinic for 28 doctors and nurse practitioners so the last thing I want to do is go to the doctor myself which I don’t because I see how it’s worked out for my husband and my mom in the past. So please don’t lecture me on that. Yea I get it. If you’re going to be a caregiver you need to take care of yourself too well when there is absolutely no extra minute or any extra money or any available time to get off work without losing my job because I’ve already been on FMLA that may be running out shortly. I just don’t see that happening. OK I have doomed England on my story so I feel for all of you that are out there going through The same things. I hope you have a blessed day and I’m praying for all of you. I know we can get through this but I’m just getting very very tired. We’re all blessed to have our loved ones in our lives still because if they weren’t We would beeven lonelier. I have used talk to text to write this and try to clear up any errors but I got interrupted by my mom so pardon any errors and just trying to read between the lines thank you.
The past few weeks I have been dealing with identity theft. It has been very unnerving and scary to say the least. I was able to shut down the account they opened in my name as well as the loan they took out against my insurance policy and get the money back. The scary part is that i don’t know if there is more crap on me out there that I have just not uncovered yet. In the meantime. I have taken several steps to secure my bank accounts as well as my investment accounts. I have put a freeze and a fraud alert on my credit at all three credit bureaus. I have put credit monitoring in place via LifeLock. I am also shutting down any online accounts as well as any account I no longer use. I have changed passwords on multiple accounts to make them more secure. I have also reported my husband as deceased to all three credit bureaus and am shutting down any online accounts in his name.
Can anyone think of anything else I should do that I might have missed?
This has all been very time consuming and stressful. It has made me feel violated an vulnerable. I mean I know every day a new company is reporting they have been compromised, and millions of people go through this every year. I guess though until it happens to you personally it doesn’t seem real.
How does everyone else cope with motivation to do housework and errands? I guess I am depressed as I just don't care any more whether I get any of this stuff done. It is easier to just sit and read rather than trying to figure out where to start. My fiance has been seriously sick last two and a half years and has been in hospital or rehab since February. When he is home, he gets annoyed that I come home from work tired and do not keep up with housework.
How do you get a second job? Everything is apply on line and then you never hear anything. Money becomes a real problem but then you have to try and balance working with being available to drive the other person around. I love how the hospital will release and then make a million doctor's appointments without asking me when I am available. I can't take off all the time to drive him as my paid time off from work is very limited.
My other question is dealing with driving a long distance to visit and the other person does not feel well and does not feel like talking much when you get there. I feel bad not going but you are basically living two different lives as you are working and trying to do everything else and they are there.
All this seems to be a no win situation and I wonder how everyone else copes with these issues.
My husband has what I believe is undiagnosed, and therefore untreated, mental health issues. Bouts of depression, OCD and sensory processing issues. I have been in therapy trying to find my way through this maze of disease and confusion and hurt feelings. He flat out refuses to talk to anyone about it. He is afraid they will prescribe him medication and he doesn’t want to take pills for the rest of his life.
He has a deep sense of honor and pride. He holds down a job and no one there knows he suffers. I often feel like everyone else in the world gets the best parts of him and I get the scraps. The hurt and the pain and the illness.
He is very adept at blaming me for his issues. If I behaved differently things would be better. If I loved him more. If I didn’t do things to upset him. He can’t see that I’m not trying to hurt him. He can’t see how badly dealing with this has hurt me.
We have a child who adores his dad, but I’m scared of the example we are both setting for him about what a relationship should be.
We have days that are good. When he is like the man I married. Then we are slammed by a bad day or two and I don’t even recognize him. Sometimes I wish they were all bad days. I hate the glimpses of the man I fell in love with as they cause me to cling to the hope that if he would seek treatment we might be able to get back to healthy.
How do you continue to be married to someone who refuses treatment? How do you determine when it’s beyond saving? How do you stop loving the man he used to be and accept the truth of who he is now? Am I kidding myself be holding out hope? Am I hurting my child by staying? I didn’t sign up for this. Why is it so hard to walk away?
I use to get excited and happy on Fridays at work, knowing the weekend is ahead and what am I going to do if anything. My husband was always a home body before this happened to him so I'm use to doing things by myself. It's worse now for me, and of course for him to. Like all I'm sure, I need some good news about anything. .
How does everyone deal with depression? I feel really alone since my mother died and my fiance is always sick and in the hospital. I know it is selfish but sometimes I feel like I never get to do anything enjoyable unless I do it by myself. We didn't get to do anything last summer because he was sick then and has been sick for the last 2 1/2 years. I had hope this summer was shaping up to be better but am right back in the same boat. How do you stay upbeat when it never seems to get better? I feel like my life is either working or running to a hospital or doctor with him. My mother died last summer so oh joy she left her house to my brother and I jointly and we don't get along. Sometimes I would just like to disappear and start over somewhere else.
An anonymous caregiver said...
It seems I’ve been a victim of identity theft. Someone tried to access my life insurance policy and attach a bank account to it. The company that holds my policy caught it and shut it down before they got any $. Then the next day I get a phone call on my cell phone. The guy tells me that my account sent my husband, (who by the way passed away 7 weeks ago) an email and supposedly he asked this guy to follow up on the email. Well since I know my account knows my husband passed, I asked the guy what did the email say and the guy said he didn’t know, but that he was just asked to follow up on it. So I just told the guy I would call the accountant myself and find out what he wanted. Even though I knew this was not legit, I called my accountant and explained the story and they confirmed yes it was no one from their office calling and that apparently someone stole their email and cloned it and has been trying to contact their clients.
I feel very fortunate that no money was actually taken from my account, however, this has all been very scary for me. I was advised to contact all three credit bureaus and freeze my accounts, as well as get a credit monitoring service.
I have always been very careful about who I give my personal information to so this just blows my mind to think someone has my info. I have spent many hours changing passwords and security questions on my investment accounts, as well as contacting the credit bureaus, and getting credit monitoring in place.
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