Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
Help spread the support to more people in need -- Please tell a friend or two. Thanks!
What's New Today
A new normal for our family. My 80 year old mom moved in with us 3 weeks ago. I see so many stories where things are not going well, and I have had and will continue to have those days, but when possible I thought I would try to post the humorous things of adapting to life with my mom. Yesterday I laid out some beef and potatoes and asked my mom to make baked steak and baked potatoes. We have to remember that for 20 plus years she has used her stove, with knobs, and suddenly I am putting her into a digital world. A stove with so many features even I don't know how to use them all. She still had to call me at work when she started dinner, and its so much fun to try to explain over the phone what to push. But she made a great dinner. She was so very proud of herself. And as I told my husband, we already have the cleanest most beautiful floors because she was mopping and waxing them every day. So at least we had one great day.
We recently moved in order to have a house that my mother-in-law, age 87, could also live in. We gave her the master bedroom on the main level. She has vision issues and has difficulty with stairs. Our bedroom is downstairs. I also care for my mom who is 95 and is currently in rehab after having a seizure. While I am not at the house, my MIL goes down to our area and goes through our stuff. I am having a difficult time dealing with that. My mother is a sweet lady who does not want to be a bother to anyone. Fortunately, I have siblings who are helping with her. My husband is an only child, so there is no one to help with his mother, who unlike my mom, is mean and hateful and thinks everything should be about her. I am also helping with my grandchildren. My daughter has 5 children and 4 have special needs and my son has two daughters. One was recently diagnosed with a very rare condition.
I feel overwhelmed many days. I especially feel resentment towards my MIL since she doesn't want me helping anyone but her. I really try to be nice, but it is really hard most days.
My mom will no longer be able to stay at her house by herself since she fell with this past seizure and injured her knee. I have a meeting with her care team tomorrow at rehab to find out their recommendations for her once she is released from rehab. I really want to just move in with my mom and be done with MIL. I feel guilty about having these feelings, but she has made mine and my husband's lives so miserable.
Bette F. said...
My father is a 92 year-old WWII Veteran who is sharp as a tack!
He has had a caregiver come in for a few hours everyday since he fell in his home one year ago. My brother and I each visit once a week to take him to doctor’s appointments and run his shopping errands.
Early last month, he fell at home and ruptured his spleen. He had a grueling surgery but is doing well in a hospital affiliated rehabilitation facility.
The staff has told us that my Dad will required 24/7 care due to his propensity for falling.
My Father does not want anyone living with him 24/7 so we are considering some facilities in the area.
Does anyone know of an appropriate type of facility which is NOT a nursing home? Due to his classification as “fall-risk” what type of facility would accept him?
Kindest Regards, Bette F.
My dad has send stage non alcoholic schlerosis of the liver. He is the best man of person I've ever known. The greatest father and best friend a girl could ever ask for. It's so hard. This pain is so unreal. Losing my mother was hard enough but this... Idk....
An anonymous caregiver said...
This is not the typical support post, but I have been going back and forth on this for a while. My Father has LBD, he is I guess in earlier stages, I stay home with him most days (Lucky enough to have finished college and am just taking a year or two part time to be able to get this time with him). How he is depends on the day/week, sometimes he's angry all the time, sometimes he's paranoid, sometimes he's just a different version of my dad but he's my dad. Recently he has been more dependent on me, when we go to stores I usually did the check out part and stuff but now he gets nervous to talk to people/sort of needs to be told he's okay. If I walk away, even a little bit, from him in public I see him panic if he can't find me right away. Sort of a role reversal in a way. I am engaged, and had my engagement party last February. He was a mess the week before and the week after, but was perfectly fine (the best I've seen him since he got diagnosed) at the party. I think the pressure of it wasn't good for him. I stupidly planned a destination wedding, a four hour flight away and an hour drive from the airport. We're ten months out now, and Im starting to think I should really do something local and make it easier on my mom and dad, even though they tell me he can do it. I just feel like its unnecessary stress to my mother, and to my father who is sick and doesn't need anymore on his plate. This is more of a rant than a question I guess. It's hard to plan a happy event in my life, despite him being happy/ me being happy with him most of the time, knowing in 9-10 months it could be an entirely different situation. I guess I already know that I am going to cancel and do something here, its hard to let go of the idea that life isn't really going to go the way I thought and my Dad isn't going to stay the same I guess. Thanks for listening to my rant, sorry!
about 1 month
I am caring for both my mother and my father. They divorced when I was 15 and both remarried, but here, later in life, my mom has lost her husband and my dad is still with his wife. I moved my mom in with me - which I said I would never do, and my dad and his wife are in an assisted living facility about 10 miles away.
I am having difficulty with having my mom in the house. She is a very opinionated, angry, hateful woman. We have had many open conversations about her abuse as I was growing up. She never hit me but she never supported me neither. She hated all my friends and still thinks she has a right to tell me, at 62 years old, what I should do.
I have gone through much counseling and have learned to set limits with her. She is abiding by "my house, my rules" but it is obvious that she is not happy. Of course, I don't ever truly remember her being happy.
She is 84, wheelchair bound (electric chair that destroys my walls and doors) due to severe arthritis, and is literally driving me bonkers. I work full-time (primarily to stay out of the house). I seem to have so much hatred toward her and it bothers me. I realize that she cannot help her situation, and I realize that I decided to care for her, but I also resent losing my free time.
I had moved away to Colorado - lived there for 5 years and loved it. She would complain to me daily about how she was not being cared for properly, so I decided I needed to swoop in and rescue her. I came back to Florida and moved her in with me.
I'm just not happy - am I like her in not finding happiness? Please tell me no. lol
Anyways, I can definitely use the support. I want to do what's best for her without neglecting my own needs but at present I'm having a really hard time figuring that one out.
Glad to have found a support group.
Have a nice day!!!
Mountain girl 1234 said...
about 2 months
I am caring for a demanding mother who I had no relationship growing up, she was emotionally abusive to me and physically abusive to my two older siblings. My siblings refuse to help with care due to that abuse. Mu mother has the means to pay for asissted living but refuses. I even have one sibling who doesn't work and is very well off financially who won't deal with her while I work full time and take mom for lunch and grocery shopping once a week which is minimal care and I also arrange for her MD appointments etc. One half day with my toxic mother drains me. I need some encouragement and advice
about 2 months
Hi Im new here. I have been living with my 94 year old Mom for a couple years now. I moved home when ended a relationship as I needed a dwelling and they needed help. My father passed of Alzheimers a couple years ago, so now it is just Mom and I. I am unpaid and broke, yet she is not. I keep getting the response from her and one of my kids that me having a free home is equal to the time I spend helping her. My bother and sister resent me living there - free.....so they never come over or call. I feel I am being taken advantage of as I spend as much time living her life as mine. I really need to talk to someone who is dealing with this type of situation. Ahh... I feel better already just saying it. M
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