Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
Help spread the support to more people in need -- Please tell a friend or two. Thanks!
What's New Today
5 days ago
This is what is on my mind today:
My spirit, where have you gone All choices lifted, gone so long I’m not living but merely a servant I used to be filled with joy and wonderment Now I live in darkness under the earth Oh sun, I want to be there to bask in the joy But no sun is coming and I just want to die I try to be happy but the surroundings are grim No laughter, no relief, no joy, no freedom to be me I want myself back. Please let it be.
5 days ago
I cannot get my father to take a shower. I actually came right out and told him he doesn't smell well. I purchased a chair for the shower, it has two hand guards and is a step in shower (no tub). I bought him a robe and slippers so he didn't have to be fully dressed when walking up the step to the bathroom but nothing works. I told him I was going to hire someone to help him so he can maintain his privacy with me (daughter) and he said he doesn't need anyone but obviously he does. I have left this go too long and he is diabetic so I am afraid his skin will become infected sooner or later. What other options do I have other than just put my foot down and hire someone? HELP I am desperate!!
5 days ago
My father broke his hip a year ago. In the private process of several surgeries and setbacks, he has been verbally abusive to my mother, myself and my brothers. My siblings and I have been with them both every step of the way; doctor appointments, surgery days, driving our mom back and forth to the hospital, etc. Following a particularly verbally abusive weekend, my mom shared with me that she didn't know what to do. I asked her if she wanted me to talk to him about it, and when I tried he said the situation was none of my business. Now Mom doesn't want to get in the middle of something that I personally feel she created by asking me to talk to him. I did not visit him for Father's Day. I am very hurt by their behavior. Mom says she understands why I feel the way I do but I don't now where to go from here. Any advice?
6 days ago
Hello! I would also like some input on my situation. I'm under 30 (28!) and my father was diagnosed last year with a Stage IV cancer. He went through chemotherapy and had to be hospitalized twice with his subsequent battles with complications from his chemo. I was the sole caregiver of my father at the time and had to handle everything - I have Power of Attorney over his finances but while he is coherent right now he is managing them on his own. My father is now in a wheelchair and his doctors have confirmed that his cancer will kill him but they are not sure where and when. I moved out of my father's house (I had been planning on it for awhile) and my brother and his family have moved in with my dad to help take care of him. My brother's wife does not get along with my father and they are verbally combative with each other. My other brother is about 3 hours away, so my dad only has my current brother and me. My brother that lives with him just got a job offer that he has accepted which is across the country and he hasn't told our father yet. I don't know how much time we have, but my father cannot be left alone. He needs help grocery shopping, eating (he can eat himself he just needs someone to fix his food) and he cannot use a bathroom on his own. He has a commode he uses in his room that has to be emptied and he does use a portable urinal (mostly out of laziness, partially because he can't get his wheelchair into the bathroom) and while he says he can be fine during the day alone, I don't know where to go with my dad and what my brothers and I should do. I just signed a lease I cannot get out of and taking care of my dad before was too much for me and I couldn't handle it. My dad is a coherent man and is there, but his cancer is a ticking time bomb so once he passes away he will go downhill quickly.
I'm unsure of what to do about our situation. We had him for a brief stay in assisted living as respite but he had to go back into the hospital as he got sepsis and leaving him at home we'd still need to hire home health to come in to do things during the day for him. I just do not feel well leaving him alone with only home health and me to check in on him - as again in maybe two months or so I will be the only sole caregiver again in the area for my dad. Assisted living would be best for him now - but is this the bad choice to go for us? I'm unsure how much time my dad has left. Since his cancer diagnosis he's lost over 100 lbs and while he's stable now, he goes every 3 months to the doctor and if they find cancer again I'm not sure what will become of the future for him.
7 days ago
Hello: It would be nice to get other peoples input on my situation, to know I am now alone, and offer suggestions. my father passed away from cancer nov 2015. my mom is alone in the house, but I live in a condo not far away. she is 86, & I can see signs of possible dimentia. I have a rare opportunity to be able to rent out my condo and have six months to decide. I would need to have a cat enclosure built, and a suite in the basement put in which I'm awaiting an estimate. I have someone from my work ready to rent my condo. I have difficulty talking with mom as I'm always having to correct her or thinking straight, examples, putting milk on grocery list when she has a full jug, constantly telling her how to get out of her wheel chair both feet on ground. I don't know if I can trust her with my cats when I'm at work letting them out onto the street etc. what should I do? stay in my condo, or move home to look after her?
roscoes sister said...
7 days ago
Hello to all of us struggling to make our parents lives better and easier to live through the distorted lens of dementia and Alzheimer's. My question is to any one out there that has been through this experience with both parents. My dad passed away in January of this year and I have given my mother a lot of space and excuses for the her slips to be due the stress of losing him but I cannot ignore them anymore.
Her driving has shown that she can get lost in our town when we are going shopping, she is certain that people have stolen things that dad had from her, she confuses the remote and the phone on several occasions., she has forgotten most of my childhood and she is needing to teach me things she taught me as a young child [how to bathe]. I want someone to tell me I am crazy and imagining all of these things that it could not be anything but projection from dad's illness but as this point I am scared out of my mind. I will be her only caregiver, we live out in the middle of the woods, and I don't know how much I have left. What does it sound like to you???
8 days ago
My mother is the primary caregiver of Dad, who struggles with dementia. We, their children, provide significant support of our time and services on a regular basis to ease the burden on our aging mother. She has taken excellent care of Dad's physical needs and he has far outlived predictions with his health, but Mom is not a patient person and will snap at Dad when he gets fixated on a concern or order him to leave the room when he is interrupting. We up the support when these things happen, but we are running out of ideas. With both of them living, taking Dad into one of our homes doesn't seem to be an option, or is it? None of us, including Mom, are willing at this point to put him in a nursing home. I am concerned that some of us are going to struggle with resentment toward Mom over painful memories after Dad's gone. Help!
9 days ago
My mother is taking care of my 94 year old grandmother that has Alzheimer's. Everyday my grandmother takes her diaper of and does her business in the bed. This stresses my mother out immensely and I just want her to be okay. She screams so much worry about her health. I'm trying to convince her to put her in a nursing home but she refuses. Everything my grandmother does drives her crazy. How do I convince her that a nursing home is the best option for my grandmother
9 days ago
My sisters and I need some help in deciding how to best help our parents. Dad is 91 and Mom is 79. Dad has spinal stenosis and is in a wheelchair. He can scoot around their condo but has difficulty going to the bathroom, getting dressed, and doing daily activities. He feels unstable in his walker and rarely uses it because he's afraid of falling. He's fallen 3 times already. Mom broke her femur three years ago and is hunched over from osteoporosis. She is capable of taking care of my dad, but is somewhat unstable and hates helping him. My sister comes twice a week to bathe my dad, another sister grocery shops for them and another sister takes Dad to doctor appointments. I live out of town so am not able to help at all. The situation right now is doable for my sisters but they are exhausted and becoming a bit resentful. There is another problem. My mother is verbally abusive to my dad. She yells at him constantly and resents doing anything for him. He told me that he's lonely, miserable and hates living with her. Yes, he can be difficult and demanding, but she is wretched to live with. They live separately in their condo and never leave their home. Dad struggles with severe OCD, which makes things even worse. They will not have a caregiver come in to help. A few months ago, Dad had to go into skilled care because he was recovering from a fall. He loved it because he had company and was away from my mom. Their finances are limited and because my sisters and I work full-time, two of us live out of town and my mom is so difficult, living with any of us not possible. We don't know what to do but it seems like they are truly suffering. Any ideas or insight?
10 days ago
My sister takes care of my 87 year old mother. I am really worried about her, because my mother is so abusive and hurtful to her. My sister takes care of her 24/7 with not so much as a thank you from our mother. She hates everything and everyone, her 'hate' list grows longer every day. The only thing that saves me from her wraith is the fact I don't see her all the time. My sister is constantly humiliated by her. She can't do anything right and doesn't have backbone to get things done, according to our mother. I don't allow her to degrade my sister when she's around me and I often tell her how lucky she is to have my sister's help. I hate to hear her say the things she does to my sister, I see the pain it causes her. Where she would be without her is a very real concern. I would never do what my sister does for her. I would be the adult and she wouldn't get away with her childish pranks. I'd make her responsible for what she says and does. I have put up with her abuse as a younger adult and even had to take myself out of her life at the most toxic times. This behavior is nothing new, she's always been difficult. I'm the only one in our family who recognizes that she has had a severe mental illness all her life. My sister has never acknowledged it, although they have lived together most their lives. What are me options as a concerned sister, is their anything I can do? I feel our mother needs to be on antidepressants, but my sister would never be able to make our mother take them. My sister will never put her in any other care, mainly because of the money, never because she needs to relieve her own stress. I wish I could be more involved, but I have to keep myself safe, I can not take her negativity for very long and my own mental health has suffered enough. Now, my husband has cancer and I need to be there for him. He is more important to me, I know that sounds callous, and has made my life a wonderful thing.
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