Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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What's New Today
Its happened so quickly. In May my dad had some sort of nervous breakdown due to work and his mental health has completely spiraled for the worst. I don't live at home but I live in the area so I wasn't there everyday. I'm 28 and trying to start my own life. I have been taking care of him for two days now because my step-mom didn't trust him alone. The original plan was they leave ahead of him to France for a birthday celebration for him (his 60th) that was planned ages ago, with all our family there. He would leave two days later, alone. When I showed up so they could head to the airport she was hysterically distraught because he let slip that he wouldn't be going. As expected he didn't leave Friday. She had re-booked so that I could go with him today. That didn't happen either. Yesterday he had started claiming that the internet wasn't working (it is), and really fixating on it. Today he is alleging that we're going to have him taken away in the night back to a mental hospital or something. He's come into my room at night asking me if I'm going to have him taken away. I am honestly very scared (I don't like people coming into my room at night for reasons). I am worried this is full blown dementia. I am hoping its a bad reaction to meds. I don't want to be his 24-hour caregiver or put that on his spouse, or anyone in my family. And now I can't even sleep soundly without worrying he's gonna limp into my room at night asking me if the men are coming to take him. This really fucking sucks. I'm thankful for any resources y'all can point me to, and I'm grateful that there are places such as this one where I can vent.
An anonymous caregiver said...
New here and am hoping for sibling advice. Four years ago, my mom was living in Arizona, close to her eldest daughter, while her son lived with her. My husband and I live the NW, but understood there would be a time for Mom to live with us. We were assuming we’d have to sell and get a bigger place. My brother and sister both called me at the same time saying Mom needed to move NOW. My brother is an entertainer on cruise ships, and is gone for months at a time. My sister simply said she could take NO responsibility for my mom, as she has her own life as so Mom needed to move right away because she (my sister) MIGHT meet a man online and move across the country. SO. I got going on selling our place and finding another. We did it within four months, moved her up here and here we are. My issue is no support from either of them. My sister has come up once a year to stay so my spouse and I can get away for four days. But that’s it. Now she’s saying she can’t because she can’t afford it, and it’s my brother’s turn and he can just turn down a six month ship contract to come stay for a week. That’s his livelihood. My mom just turned 90, and is in excellent health, but her short term memory is gone and she can’t cook, etc. she tends to leave on burners etc. she CANNOT stay by herself. Do I demand my sister come? How do I deal with “no”. We took on another $100,000 in debt to move. My husband is working two jobs so I can stay at home with her. We need to get away to reconnect and relax. We can’t afford a nurse to stay all week. All I ask is two times of a week each in a year. I’m feeling resentful, and already went through heart issues from stress. Any suggestions? Thank you for letting me vent!!
I have been avoiding making a comment because I am usually too drained to review any aspect of my day. About 6.5 months ago I moved back in to my parents' home. At that time, my Dad, who had been my mom's (diagnosed with lewy body dementia) primary caregiver just months before, had started being rushed to the ER and hospitalized because he was frequently losing consciousness and becoming unresponsive. His cardiologist blamed it on orthostatic hypotension. He was already being treated for hypertension, but this was happening while he was seated, usually after a meal. When I moved in, I was already aware that my dad was exhibiting strange behaviors - such as hiding things, even food and dishes and forgetting that he had stashed it and I found that he had written a grocery list on the kitchen wall. Things have deteriorated so much so quickly. Dad was diagnosed with early unspecified Alzheimer's, but if it was then, I'm sure it's not early now, even months later. I have two jobs to make up for the jobs that I have lost over the past few years rushing back and forth while my parents rushed in and out of the hospital. I have only hired for 4 hours a day when I work a minimum of 10 hours and then come home and make dinner and clean up whatever may be there. Since I can't predict how things will be with them in the morning, I am thinking about asking for part time at the very good part time job that I was blessed to obtain. They are my priority, especially their safety, However I also need to get back on my feet financially and to achieve financial security for my future. My parents are 88 and 90. My dad was just approved for hospice.
I am new to all of this and my mother is probably a good deal younger than most here. However, she's never been able to take care of herself and now my father has passed away and she is left holding the reins.
I don't really know what to do. She has moved out to Florida with me and I am helping her buy a house and it has become apparent how much trouble she is going to get herself in to. Every bill she opens is a complete shock to her, how much it is and that she owes it. She can't seem to keep anything straight... We are talking about the pros and cons of a single house and over the course of 5 minutes asked multiple times 's high house is this one?'
She is also extremely over weight. She is 5' 1" and weighs at least 350 lbs. There is so much of herself she can't reach she can't put her own shoes on and can't put her hair in a ponytail. I suppose it's kind of amazing she can walk as much as she does...
What do I do? Where do I start so I can fulfill the promise I made to my father to take care of my mother for him and keep her safe?
Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I wrote. A major change occurred . I told mom that I needed to leave Thursday night and I couldn't come back until Fri mid day. She said well if you leave tonight's "PACK YOUR S%$T AND GET OUT"so I did just that. But according to my sister AN ADULT WOULD OF STEPPED OUT AND TOOK A BREATH" and go back in . Well I did take about 1 1/2he breath and was told again by mom to get my stuff and get out so I did that. I called my aunt to come and get me she did . When I went home much to my surprise my childhood friend was visiting his mother and we're reminiscing about our childhood . He invited me to spend Saturday with him and his family(wife and four sons),brother and his girlfriend. So I did and we went to Conneaut lake (we had fun ). I did calling in to check on mom and was by my sister if I worried so much about mom You should get back here. I was surprised to find out that my sister actually gave up her weekend and sat with mom for ten hrs on Saturday and 9 hrs on Sunday. And when I came today she actually said I finally get what you are asking for. So we are working out a schedule for both of us to have a life and still take care of mom.
Geez. Mom didn’t even make it a week at the bee assisted living and she’s mad. I almost feel like “so what else is new?” My husband wants me to ask her “have you ever noticed that no matter the situation you’re not happy?” but that would serve no purpose other than to start yet another fight. Mom’s been needling me again about going back to her condo and my answer continues to be sure you can go- call your caregiver company and set up other caregivers; I’m not going to let you not pick me to death again like you did last summer. The conversation stops at that point. Now she says she’s wants to change her will because she “feels guilty” that my brother and sister (who haven’t spoken to her in over 17 and 29 years respectively) got nothing when dad died and are getting nothing as it stands now. I asked her how many times they’ve reached out to her, how much they’ve helped her, what happened when they parted ways with her. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t) respond. I didn’t Perdue the conversation andmlet it drop. I don’t plan to bring it up again either. Mom is having some cognitive issues that have been documented with the hospital during her last stay. My husband said if she follows through on this “threat” I should walk away. I be involved with mom’s care and make sure she’s cared for until the end but if she does this to me with everything I’ve suffered through at her hands I feel I will have been cheated. Is that wrong and selfish? Anyone else had this happen? How did you deal with it?
Hi--I'm not quite sure what I'm doing; I've been online for a few hours today looking for help and stumbled across this site. To call myself a caregiver would be way too generous. I'm the granddaughter of a 95 year-old woman and I'm only home a few months a year. My mother, her daughter, is the caregiver, and it's really taking a toll on her. My grandmother lives alone, is ambulatory but very unsteady, and was quite independent until about five years ago. The cognitive decline is setting in and my mother is extremely stressed trying to provide care for her. Gram is really in that gray area of too independent (and stubborn) to be a candidate for any real assisted living but too impaired to be on her own. She's had some health aides and PT in recently following a hospital stay but they're only covered for about a month after Gram has an incident. My mom isn't great about asking for help. I do what I can when I'm home--transportation, companionship, etc.--but I'll be moving out of state soon and I hate to see mom so frustrated. I wonder if anyone has any starting points for resources I can offer to my mom, not anything too specific just some things she can look into on her own, For Gram's well-being as well as hers. I know how vague this is and I apologize but it's hard to sum up the experience in a paragraph. From what I read, you all seem to be smart, caring folks who may have a little wisdom to share. Prayers for your loved ones and thanks in advance!
Hi everyone, just checking in to see how everyone is doing. I am traveling on this new adventure of mine and I am finally living life.and enjoying it. But the down side is my family is pissed off at me. And trying to get me to go back to being the throw rug that collects their garbage but thank God I found Wes . He told his counselor about me and my situation and she said that I am the new Cinderella story . I never thought about it that way but it's true. (Except I'm not a step child). I have decided that I am not asking permission,I'm telling them what I'm doing..
My mom fell Saturday and thankfully did not break anything. She is just sore. Today my husband woke up sick. I feel like “who’s turn is it today?” Ha! As I said recently sometimes it is a treat to go on errands BY MYSELF! Just that space and listening to my music. Good grief I am pitiful.
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