Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
Help spread the support to more people in need -- Please tell a friend or two. Thanks!
What's New Today
about 8 hours ago
My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in May and given 3 months to live. He lives alone but I live in the same town. My brother stayed with him for a few weeks and he's had a friend staying with him this week. After his friend leaves I will be alone in taking care of him. I work nights and I can't stay with him over night so we came to the decision that he needs 24 hour care in a nursing facility. Well I got a call today that a room should be available tomorrow. So I called him and he got really upset and told me that he's not going in. He needs a few more days. I explained that since we don't k kw when another room will be ready that he really needs to take this room. He again refused and got upset, and me being frustrated, told him to do whatever he wants and I hung up on him. Yes I felt horrible after I did it. He called back and we talked and agreed that we both love each other and that he will think about going into the home. I just told him I loved him and cared so much about him and I just want him to be safe. He called me later and said he will go ahead and go into the home. So while I'm relieved about it, I still feel horrible. There's no easy solution and I know I shouldn't have gotten upset with him. I know this has to be so hard on him but I just want to do what's going to be the best for him and I know in my heart that this is it. Anyway, of anyone has any words of encouragement or similar that you've gone thru I would appreciate hearing from you. Thank you!
City Girl Gone Country said...
2 days ago
My husbands parents are both aging quickly. Each are 85. Mom keeps falling and hurting herself. We spent 3 weeks at their home taking care of them. The day we returned home she fell again. We live 2.5 hours away so its not an easy transition. They do not want to leave their home. They have some help that come in 2 times a week but they need day care and help. I would love to hear some personal experiences from others who have faced this situation and if anything worked for them.
An anonymous caregiver said...
3 days ago
I've been watching my mom lose her memory retention over the past 5 years. She's still physically doing ok but she forgets so fast. For my husband and I it's so hard to watch. Our days are full of repeating everything, and then she'll say something funny or hug her dog and I realize I'm losing her. This is just the saddest thing ever. How do you move them to assisted living when the time comes when you know how scary it might be for them? It's tearing me up to think of her making a big change like that.
4 days ago
Someone stole my mother.
She's been horrible lately but all of a sudden she's not. I'm beginning to think my Amazon parrot is inhabiting her body momentarily; the parrot will act nice and WHAM bites the living crap out of me for absolutely no reason.
Quick - someone remind me to keep my guard up please!!!
Seriously - she's got a rental property that's being refurbished since the last tenants left (guess who's supervising and doing a good bit of the tile work....) and (for now anyway) I'm a hero. New tenants are being a pain before they move in and I've been pushing back on them and I'm a hero again (so far).
I was originally told I wouldn't be involved with the new tenants and today I was told I'll be handling everything - including signing the lease with them (I have POA so that does legally work I suppose).
I have been leaving mom on her own while I'm working on the property so she's had to try and do things by herself quite a bit. Maybe that's been a good thing?
Does anyone else see any danger signals in this picture?
6 days ago
My mother in law was recently diagosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. After having brain surgery to removed a metastasized tumor, we decided to move her from Chicago to an assisted care home near us in Seattle. She has been here for 3 months. She only has two children, my husband and her daughter. Her daughter just started teaching at an international school in Peru. At the time of her mother's diagnosis she could have decided to move back to the US to care for her mother, but chose to still move with her husband and one teenage son to Peru. My husband is a kind and caring man, but is the CFO of a midsized company and travels quite extensively and has a busy and stressful job. We have 4 children ranging in age from 11 to 17. It has been left to me to be the primary care giver for my mother in law. The assisted living home is wonderful, but since my mother in law has no other friends in the area, her main social contact and support is me. I also coordinate all of her medical care an appointments. My husband helps all that he can and attends all the appointments that he can but it is proving to be an immense stress on him. He is having to process his mother's terminal illness and adjust to his new role in her life.
I have been trying to do my best to be there for my mother in law in any capacity in which she needs me. When she is feeling well and able, I have been attending activities at the assisted living home with her in hopes to help encourage her to make friends. We have been taking her to church as her health allows to help her develop a new network here. She has physically responded well to her cancer treatments but emotionally, she cannot handle any disruption to any "plan". For example, she wanted to go to dinner with us last night to celebrate my son's 13th birthday. We planned the night 3 days in advance. I reminded her frequently. I gave her the option for us to just join her for dinner at her assisted living home. She was insistent that she was excited to go to dinner with us (the restaurant was just one block away from her AL home). After dinner, we were to go back to her home and have cake and ice cream. During dinner, I found out that my daughter's car pool ride had fallen through and I needed to go pick her up and then return to join the family for cake and icecream at my mother in law's home. This change greatly upset an agitated my mother in law. I returned after picking up my daughter to find my mother in law in tears and anxious and the rest of my children upset and my husband a bit in shock (it was the first time he had witnessed this behavior from his mother). I was able to help her and calm her down but we ended up needing to leave without finishing my son's celebration and postponing it until the next day. My son was in tears, my husband and other children were traumatized to see their grandmother that way and ultimately it left me feeling alone and incapable. I am struggling to be the person my mother in law needs me to be and the person my kids need me to be, let alone be there emotionally for my husband.
6 days ago
My mother, 92, has come to live with me. I have lived in another state for 30 years and now it's as if I'm not capable of going out to the driveway by myself! It is driving me crazy, I am very independent and capable and I am having to justify my every move. I tried to set her straight tonight in a very kind and controlled way and it felt horrible. She is not able to mentally hold onto it so I feel I am being mean...I'm just very frustrated!
6 days ago
I've been staring at this blank space for 15 minutes. I feel upset. I have been a caregiver for both my parents this past five years. It never was a warm/fuzzy relationship, as I have always been the family outcast. My mother taught my siblings and extended-family to disrespect/disregard me. It's difficult to explain, unless you are the "chosen one." lol. and can relate. I have a brother who lives nearby and visits her (at her home) and my father (who is in a SNF) daily. I have been excluded from any inheritance. A couple months ago, I had an argument with my 94 year-old mother re: her continued abuse toward me: something she admitted, without apology. So the sibling stress is heightened and during a visit, (for no other reason than he was in a bad mood), my brother hits/shoves me against a wall. Like my father, he has been verbally/emotionally abusive, but I never expected it to turn physical. Here is the moment of clarity: my mother says, "I'm not going to let you come between me and my family, Girl!" And from that moment forward, there was no where to go. It's a different kind of hurt: something that can't be fixed. I wish I could say that my mother had dementia... the truth is that she is as sharp as she was when she was in her 50s. I thought that I knew that mother/daughter relationships were challenging. I suppose I thought that spending the last five years caring for her would ensure a peaceful ending or that I could write that my mother was grateful for all that I did for her. I prayed (sometimes excessively! lol ) during this past five years taking care of my elderly parents that I be set free free from these abusive relationships... I suppose prayers are answered in mysterious ways! Please know that I don't know what I would have done without the support of this online group! Thank you!!
14 days ago
Ok, here goes, my mother has lived on her own (blind, multiple heart attacks, copd, myastenia gravis, and broken back. A few months ago, she had a massive stroke and now she can barely say 4 words. I have her poa, but she does not want me to get Iinvolved at all, Her medicare ends tomorrow, she has not medicaid. If she stays, it will cost her $211 per day. She can not go home, for she has no care. I myself am disabled, and I do not drive anymore. I do not want her to go home and especially live alone. My thought is to have her stay there at least 2 more weeks. So my delima is I don't have any money to help. so what happens if she has no medicaid or anyone at her home to care for her.
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