Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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What's New Today
1 day ago
My 76 year old Father has COPD and prostate cancer . The cancer is inoperateable due to his badly damaged lungs from smoking and being a roofer most of his life. He has been taking Xtandi for over a year. Essentially, all my Father does now is get up in the morning, goes to the kitchen table, and sits there all day. He only leaves the house for doctor appts. He can prop himself up on the table and its easier for him to breathe. He gets winded just getting up and walking 3 feet to the coffee pot to make coffee.
I'm writing today to ask if anyone has any suggestions as to what my family and I can do to make him more comfortable. Can anyone give me suggestions on how to get him out of the house to try and enjoy the rest of his life? He watches TV or listens to music. That is all he does all day. He says he won't leave the house because his oxygen may run out or he might get sick being around other people. He is very susceptible to germs. But, he has a travel oxygen machine and 3 bottles of oxygen. He is very scared of losing his breath and I understand. I just want him to enjoy what may be the last year or so of his life. We all love him so much. Any help would be appreciated!! Thank you and Bless you all!
An anonymous caregiver said...
3 days ago
I am a 48 ,year old woman who cares for my mother at my home who is 64 years old and has had three strokes. I just discovered that she is now incontinent but wouldn't tell me she was urinating on herself so I have ordered her some adult diapers. Anything I ask her she never tells me the truth about anything. I once caught her smoking inside of her closet and lied and said she wasn't smoking. She was in a retirement home but they put her out because of smoking inside her closet. She can't apply for any other places because she was thrown out. She won't try to do anything to help herself and I have no help from my sister at all or any other family member just feeling frustrated and tired.
An anonymous caregiver said...
5 days ago
I am a 61 year old reluctant caregiver to my 92 year-old mother and 95 year-old father. Neither will go into an assisted living facility and instead: make me/my 2 brothers feel like it is our obligation to provide in-home care. They refuse hired-help, they refuse meals-on-wheels and refuse to pay someone to clean their home. They even refuse to obtain their prescriptions through the mail: saying it's easier for me to pick-up their prescriptions. My mother is old-school and "feels" it is my responsibility to do "women's work." She becomes crazed at the suggestion that my brothers do laundry/cook/clean. She says: "as long as i'm alive, my boys will not do women's work." I really do want this to end well, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult. I quit work to take care of them.. Now, I want my life back. I want to move to a warmer climate, go back to work and start taking care of myself. (I have gained 50 pounds, due to the stress).
Both of them, throughout my life, have been absent/emotionally abusive parents who targeted me as the family scapegoat. The entire family are genius at gas lighting. Winter is setting-in and all I can do is cry.
I feel like she is forcing me to take care of her. The deeper I get into meeting her needs: that voice inside my head reminds me of a horrific past with this woman, who now expects more from me than what she was willing to give. She was kind to other people, her nephews/nieces and family from outside her immediate family. And showed a strong love toward three out of her five children.
I have had people tell me they would move away and not look back. I wish I could do that: and back when they were self-sufficient, I probably should have bailed out. But, right now, I feel trapped. If I left, It would be abandonment, as regardless what they say/think, they would not survive if I left. I can't make them hire help. I sometimes have to remind myself that this is not going to last forever: lately, I have been thinking of setting a time/limitation, such as I want to move by March and force alternatives. It's kinda strange that I am the one providing care and if I go off-rail or become emotional, my siblings get angry (stop talking to me) instead of reaching out with support. Sorry, I know this is really, really long. :(. I just don't know what to do. I stopped going to family get-togethers and regardless of the outcome: the relationship with my siblings is over. Sorry, everyone!! :(. Just feeling overwhelmed.
5 days ago
WELL, I think I am at the point where I cant take care of my mom anymore. She fell twice this weekend, and refuses to go to a rehab or assisted living or rest home. We have a friend who stays with us, that helps, but its getting to the point that we have to lift her in bed, by that I mean, she sits on the edge, and we lift her legs and turn her into bed, then push her into the middle. She has been diagnosed with Parkinson's, diabetes, HBP, lymphedema, stage 4 kidney disease. She can barely walk, she wets herself even with the huge pads I get her and she has to go every 2 hours or less cuz of her HBP pills, so you know we are not getting rest. now she is starting to get bed sores, from sitting and laying down all the time. I tell her "mom this is getting too much to handle, we have to do something", she is in denial. She keeps saying she is going to get better, but its not going to happen. She is getting more difficult to deal with too, she yells, tries to start fights with us, and or tries to manipulate it so our friend and I are against each other... The last time she was this bad I forced her to go to hospital, she didn't talk to me for a while.. BUT they kept her for THREE WEEKS, that is how sick she was. I am at my wits end.... any suggetions?
8 days ago
My mother has lived with us for the past 13 years. For the first time, she asked for help with bathing, which is not a problem. I realized that the bathroom, which served her well when she was 69 (and which I thought was pretty accommodating), no longer works well for her at age 82. I was considering hiring an eldercare consultant to evaluate the bathroom and to recommend what needs to be changed. Has anyone had any experience with these consultants? How much do they charge? Is it worth the money? Thank you for listening.
9 days ago
My mother who has been living a few miles from me since my father passed away is now 90. I have always been her caretaker at a certain level but since she stopped driving a couple of years ago we are together way too much. We were always close but as she gets older we argue more and more and about everything. Part of it is she hates giving up control and wants to micromanage everything but as her memory and cognition declines it just becomes a mess . I find myself dreading our time together and enjoying her less and less. I feel angry all the time and resentful. We have talked about independent living but she still can care for herself and says she's not ready to give up her indepenence. In the meantime I have given up mine. I have a husband, a home and 2 adult children. She doesn't have dementia per se but she gets confused and anxious easily. I hate my feelings - I love her but she's not my mom anymore and I don't want to be around her so much. I know I am not alone so I have come here to hear how others cope.
9 days ago
Hi, My Mom & Dad have been living independently in their apartment for the last 3years, after selling the family home that we lived in for 53 years. My Dad recently fell but fortunately, did not break any bones or hit hus head. I guess I am embarking on a whole new journey csring for them. My other siblings will not be involved or be involved on a limited basis. I am overwhelmed right now with the uncertainty my role as their daughter. Please share some thoughts and tips abiyt this caregiving journey. Thank you.
11 days ago
This is my first post on this site. I moved in with my mother 6 years ago because she needed support in order to live at home. She has some form of dementia, but is high functioning. She has a great sense of humor, is physically well, can take care of all ADL's, and is extremely patient. I'm lucky to be helping such a wonderful person. But, (you knew that was coming!), I haven't ever had warm, fuzzy feelings for her and in fact find my inner landscape quite unsettled. My experience working in long term care facilities with Alzheimer patients gives me an understanding of what is helpful and unhelpful in communication with my mom, but even if I say and do the right things, my inner turmoil makes me feel toxic. I'm wondering what techniques others have used to ease up on expectations of themselves, and or what I might try in order to get in touch with the actual feeling of love and care for my mom. Thank you!
11 days ago
I need some advice. I live with my Mom and take care of her after work. I work from home which is both a blessing and a curse. She has fallen three times in the last four days. I don't know what to do. If I call her doctor, my Mom will think I betrayed her if they suggest a nursing home. If I stay silent, I'm afraid that she will fall again. I have taken care of her for 5 years and this is new. I don't have any siblings to talk it over with. My Dad passed away and I have an uncle who treats her like she doesn't have a brain and does things that she doesn't like (making decisions, etc. etc. etc.). He hung up the phone on me yesterday because I didn't call him at 11:00 PM when Mom fell down. Honestly, he just brings more chaos to an already difficult situation. I look forward to any responses. Thanks so much.
13 days ago
i have been caring for my mom with alzheimers and living in the home due to being a snow bird i am overwhelmed with the constant questions one after another after another since arriving here.how do i break to non stop questions chatter? if it isnt a question there is never any silence there must be constant chatter.Its becoming very hard to take
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