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Caring for a Parent

Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.

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All on me said...

about 21 hours ago

I'm brand new to this group. I've had my 87 yo Mom living with my family for almost 4 years. My siblings and other family offer no help. Her care isn't that much, but its very confining....kind of like having a baby depending on us. I need to know there's others out there like me. Thanks!

What a ride... said...

about 5 hours ago

All on me said...

13 minutes ago

3 days ago

Hi Fellow Caregivers, my 92 year old father lives with me. Every morning I promise myself to be less impatient, and go to bed feeling like a jerk for failing to repress my annoyance. Suggestions?

K

Miss Edith said...

about 20 hours ago

slightly said...

about 7 hours ago

7 days ago

My parents live in another state. My father is recovering from a broken hip. He had a stroke 10 years ago and has difficulty in mobility. He walked w a walker. He has a lot of other health issues. Stenosis of the spine. Sciatica. Pain in his leg. Not to mention recovery from hip surgery two months ago. His rehabilitation was in Chicago near my sister. Mom and dad live in a resort community and we thought this was best. During his rehab stint for he broken hip we noticed a severe dependancy and preoccupation with his opiate pain meds. Nurses noted it as well. In reading his file we noticed a physician stopped treating him last fall because she uncovered deception about pain meds; where he was getting them from etc. it was noted in his fine that while hospitalized my mother was slipping him extra meds when he was in the hospital near her. She packed extra pain medication for me to give him in between what the nurses were giving him. I refused to do so and he was extremely angry. My sister and I noticed some withdraw symptoms as we think he has been self medicating for years. Eventually the staff weaned him off most of the need for opiates. He returned home and began taking them again. He is asleep most of the Time. He falls asleep when eating and talking. The difference is astounding when he was in rehab to how he is at home. I lost my temper with my parents when I was visiting and noticed the decline in his alertness. My mother denied it. My father was so doped up he could hardly react or defend himself. Now she is angry. Tells me I am wrong. I feel so sorry that this happened. But I am angry at her denial. I need to go visit them again, but I realize it will not change. My mother is never approachable. And she is never wrong. How do I go forward knowing he has a dependency? . My mother is attacking me for calling my father a drug addict ( her words not mine). They are 80 and 76.

6 days ago

FrancesC said...

6 days ago

JJBean said...

12 days ago

My 88 year old father has Alzheimer's. He has become very mean to me. I packed up his house all by myself after my Mom died 4 years ago and he moved into a retirement home. He would tell me quite often that he needed my my help, but when I tried to help him he would lash out at me, belittle me and treat me very badly. My brother was "too busy" to help so I had to do it on my own. My Dad's treatment of me got so bad that I had to step back and get my brother (the Golden Child) to step in. My Dad told me that he did not respect me or my time. Since then, I have kept our conversations and visits brief and I don't try to help out because it caused such problems. But now he just belittles me when I try to have a conversation with him. How are you supposed to support someone with Alzheimer's when they are abusive to you? I am heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Ladymiller said...

11 days ago

FrancesC said...

11 days ago

Bernmia said...

12 days ago

I had a very bad relationship with my mom as a child. She always let me know she didn't care about me. I made my own way in life. But now she is 97 and even though very healthly expects me to take care of her. I've been helping the last six months. Running around, getting services in the home, etc but last week she made a remark that if my sister were still alive she would take care of her. I'm very upset....

helenb63 said...

10 days ago

Bernmia said...

10 days ago

13 days ago

My 85 yr old Mom has a severe right frontal lobe hemorragic stroke October 23,2017 which left her paralyzed on her left side. She has been recovering in a rehab center since Nov 11. She has made good progress in rehab but asks everyday for someone to take her home. I have 2 sisters. I’m an RN and 1 sister is also an RN and the other an EMT. We all live close to the rehab center so that at least one of us visits every day. One of my sisters has taken the more active role in Mom’s care. She visits every day on her way home from work, keeps up with mom’s laundry and is always asking questions about Mom’s care. I have no problem with her taking the lead but she gets upset with me and my other sister if we don’t visit every day. She says that Mom wants to go home and cry’s everyday she is there. She is especially critical of my youngest sister who has a teenage daughter, is dealing with boyfriend’s sister and mother dying of cancer and she’s looking for a job. She is not quite as tough on me since my husband recently died. She asks every day when are we going to visit Mom and will wait for one of us to arrive before she leaves. I love my sisters and we are very close to each other and our Mom. I can’t figure out why she has taken on this role of making sure that each of us visits everyday and criticizing us for not going every day. She is adding stress to an already over stressed family. Any advice or words I can say to her that would stop her from trying to control when we visit. I know she feels bad that Mom is not at home and Mom’s pleas to go home are heart breaking. However her demands and monitoring are not helping us. We are unique and have different obligations and family responsibilities. I personally think that one of us visiting once each day would be better for Mom. Mom spends her days waiting for one of us to arrive. She rarely participates in any activities. I believe she would be more active, involved and content if we kept our visits to once daily with the exception of weekends. I would love to hear suggestions and ideas to solve this problem Thanks! .

Sheila1944 said...

12 days ago

FrancesC said...

12 days ago

ree1the2qween said...

16 days ago

Good afternoon, My Name is Alexandria. I am a 21 year old College sophomore. I am currently living at home with my mother who is 57 and suffered from a massive stroke on Feb 13, 2016. I took a year off after graduating from community college after she had the stroke, to give myself time to adjust to my new situation. I did take a few classes online just to keep my mind fresh which didn't help to much because I failed one of the classes due to lack of initiative, lack of independence, and lack of support at the right times. Fourtnely my sister and her daughter moved in this past July, but that hasn't been much help because my sister works, and my niece goes to highschool, and when they do get a free day they stay gone all day, such as they will leave at like 9 in the morning when im sleeping, forcing me to stay at home with my mother. I haven't had a full day off since I went on vacation about in July 2016. I also have a brother but he works as well and when he has days off he wont tell me so I can get a day off, he will stay at home and call once and say he is on his way and wont show upp until about 8 at night which is his regular time to come over when he is working. The friends I did have in high school and community college have all gone on and rarely contact me, majority of them don't even ask how ive been or even shutter a thought of my mother. Since then I got accepted into a University and that was all good until I was actually ready to get myself to class. At first we had someone set up to come stay with my mother, which turned out to be a hot mess, my first day I had to come home early and miss my second class because my mother was going straight ape on the caregiver and made her cry. Throughout the semester we got cancelled showups sometimes, especially towards the end of the semester they just stopped showing up without notice. So this semester my sister and myself are working on finding a better more reliable agency. As far as my grades I started with a 2.6 gpa from my previous credits, I am now on academic probation and I have a 1.15 gpa. My grades dropped because I could barely attend one of my face to face classes because of the horrible caregiving service, and when I am at home any type of concentration is tampered. I can say that my grandmother and my moms closest friend at this point have been my mainline because they have been able to showup when needed which is not often but they show up anyways. I know this seems like a lot of complaining but I am the youngest and I feel that this is all going to have an awful toll on my future. I should be the one out with my friends, accomplishing something, but as far as I see for now I am suffering the burden no one else wants to commit to. I have sacrificed my life to caring for my mother, yes I am grateful to be her eyes and ears to the world she is no longer apart of but, I feel like my life is over and I wont know how to pick myself up when I can finally be free.

namescreen said...

14 days ago

Sheila1944 said...

14 days ago

17 days ago

Good evening all. I would like to have your thoughts please. Tomorrow mom is being released from an in-house rehab after having been there for only 10 days. She was admitted to the rehab after having been in the hospital for 13 days for an intestinal blockage which required surgery to resolve. The hospital required her to go to in-house rehab. She was in the process of moving to assisted living (didn't really want to - long story) when she became ill. I had been all but disowned for a disagreement we had during the summer yet when she needed help she called me. She informed me tonight while visiting at the rehab that she wants to go by her condo "to pick up a housecoat on the way to the assisted living." I asked if she was going to try and stay at the condo. She asked why I asked that, and I told her "I know your tricks". She then refused to answer me. My question is this: Should I take her to the condo or not? My husband says I should not, but at this point I'm so over her mistreatment of me I'd just as soon leave her there by herself and let her deal with the consequences of not being where she's supposed to be, but at the same time I'm concerned for her. The assisted living is expecting to admit her tomorrow morning.

16 days ago

16 days ago

Sloan24 said...

17 days ago

This is a long and complicated tale of sibling drama; I apologize, but I would be deeply grateful for any advice.

My 59-year-old mother is in hospice for end-stage renal disease. She has weekly nurse visits from the hospice program, but I'm the only (live-in) caregiver. My younger brother, her only other child, doesn't know she's in hospice.

My mom and brother became estranged on Mother's Day 2015, when he became violent and I had to call 911 to make him leave. (I'm 33 [daughter]; he's 28.) We changed the locks after he came back and let himself into the house. He hasn't seen our mother since.

My brother has a handful of mood & behavioral disorders. My mom did the best she could for us as kids; however, because my brother has always been so draining, his childhood was filled with people who would let him have his way because it was easier than challenging him. That's led to a sense of entitlement and explosive rage when he doesn't get his way as an adult that has cost him at least 1 job & his only long-term relationship so far.

After he moved out in 2014, my mom began to recognize some of this behavior. After the Mother's Day incident, she doesn't wish to maintain a relationship with him. She finds him exhausting, and he has a history of bullying her (sometimes physically), which she can no longer handle.

I have to do what's best for my mom. My brother's biggest complaint is that she's changed. She has. As her health has deteriorated over the years, she's become a little more spiteful, more easily angered. (Which probably influenced her impatience with his behavior.) I understand; I would be too. My brother will never understand. He can only view things through the prism of how they affect him. He lacks sympathy for others, and rails against every perceived injustice he suffers. (As a teen, he has cut his arm open with a knife just to win an argument before, because the shock of him doing so silenced my mother and me.) He's now angrier than ever, feels more wronged than ever, and has a carry permit for a firearm, in addition to several other weapons.

That is to say, my mother doesn't wish to see him again. I respect that. Also, I'm afraid of what he might do to her or me. Another encounter right now would be explosive, and she's not up to that. Neither am I.

And yet, I worry what not hearing from our mother again will do to my brother in the long term. I would like for him to have some time to digest the fact that she's dying so that he's not blindsided by her death later--even though we both will be, regardless. And she's willing to write him a letter to explain this to him--if I draft it.

In short, I NEVER HAVE wanted to be but I've always been firmly stuck in the middle of my mother and brother's relationship. (Almost like I'm their mom.) If I don't let him see or talk to her, I'm a monster (to him). If I do let him see or talk to her, I'm a monster (to her). And no matter what I choose to do in the end, I know that my brother will be furious and that my safety (and for now, my mother's) is in jeopardy.

Really looking forward to the discussion about The Will!

I don't know the right answer. No one I've talked to can relate. The people who know my brother share my concerns and don't seem troubled by him not knowing what's up. But I'm the one he'll take his rage out on when she's gone and he feels deeply wronged.

This problem doesn't feel solvable, but I'm not sure of anything anymore, so I thought I'd take my chances and throw this out there in case anyone had any advice.

Thanks!

16 days ago

namescreen said...

14 days ago

18 days ago

Mortified by my Father's behavior at the care facility he is at.

My Father had a perforated intestine and septic shock the day after St. Patrick's day this year. He has had 5 surgeries since then and is fighting infection from this and a bedsore on his bottom. My Father can be very mean to the nurses that take care of him and I worry that they will not treat him the best. He can be a pistol and I found out that he yells outside his room. I know the infection may be taking over his behavior but I am mortified that the staff has to deal with this. I realize I have no control over this. I read much tougher stories on this forum with people that actually take care of their loved ones at home. I just had to get this off my chest. I am thankful for this forum.

FrancesC said...

18 days ago

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