Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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What's New Today
She's at it again. :-( Mom has been in an assisted living since January this year and really needs to be there because she's legally blind, needs the socialization, and needs people looking out for her. Recently a caregiver has spoken to her rudely several times. The management knows how this caregiver is but so far hasn't done anything about it. So the past couple of days mom has sequestered herself to her room, been in tears, is refusing to eat, and won't talk to the management at the facility. I've explained what's happening and they keep assuring me they "will address it". I've told the flat out this particular caregiver needs to be fired, as she has be rude not only to mom but to other residents and this needs to stop. Unfortunately mom is one of those people who will take and take and take and when she gets fed up she wants nothing to do with whatever has upset her. She's there now and wants to leave the facility. She wants to go back to her condo and have me as her full-time caregiver again, but I've told her I will not do that and have her pick me apart for everything like she did before. She just doesn't seem to understand that. I told her we need to let things cool off for a few days and then we'll talk again about her moving back home, but she will HAVE to have other caregivers (several, not just one) that live in the area, we have to interview them before the company has them scheduled with her, and I WILL put cameras with two-way audio as well as video in her condo so I can monitor what's going on. She didn't argue but she didn't respond either. She said "I don't think I'll ever forget this past year - it's been the worst of my life." Geez. Here we go again - I can't do anything right by her. Whatever. I feel for her, but I'm not going to be the butt of her abuse anymore. And today is her 87th birthday.... Thanks for letting me vent everyone. Hope your day is going better than mine.
I’m in a confused state. My mother needs 24 hr care. She was kind of walking prior to a month hospital stay where they went against her advance directives and put in a feeding tube. She was aspirating because she was not well. She’s been eating well since she came home. But the dr said she was npo. I had to wait 30 days to get her into a different hospital and they say she’s eating fine. I want her to get back to walking as best she can. So in order to get her back on her correct meds and everything I have her in a hospital ready to go to a facility for rehab. I’m not very healthy myself and can’t help her workout on a daily basis. She honestly gets more showers then I do in a month. Should I give up? I know I’m the only one who visits her and takes any part of her care of advocacy. But I have no one to advocate for me. So if I’m sick she gets less attention and less proper hygiene help. I had to hire two caregivers 2 -4 hrs a day even weekends to come help me with her. She wants to be home but I can’t continue this. I thought about moving into a an assisted living facility myself with her. But I don’t think she would get anymore help in there. Since her lev l of care is so much more than mine.
I'm presently living with my mom and stepfather, not because they are sick and/or need around the clock assistance. I have been living with them for the past year, due to my job in their area; my commute would have been over 3 hrs a day! Anywho, my mom is a young 73, and my stepfather is 80. He retired from the Navy, and from the Federal Government. They are both independent, both drive, cook etc., although my stepfather has issues with walking so he uses an electric chair, and a cain when going out. Anywho.....my mom...sigh, where do I even begin :-( When I was well in my 30's, she continued to talk to me in a disrespectful manner and I NEVER liked it. I also noticed she didn't talk to most of my other siblings like that. I feel because I was fairly quiet and would never say anything back, she simply continued to do it. She also has a complaining spirit. I remember when her mother, my grandmom, came to live with us years ago; before she died, many times my grandmother would be in the livingroom chatting with us, having a great time, however, time my mother came in the room, she just shut down because my mom always had something snappy or nasty to say. My mom and step father have been married for about 24 , 25 years, and although he definitely is NO saint, my mom has treated him just like my grandmother most of the marriage. He'd be in a room talking, and she'd walk in and automatically the atmosphere would change because she'd say something that was out of line to him. If he was eating a certain way, she'd have something to say about that. If he had on a certain shirt, she'd complain about that, it is just non stop. I know no one is perfect, and I totally love the Lord and try to abide by the Word of God however....I love my mom, but I just don't like her. I can't stand her attitude, how she talks to people, NEVER admits her faults, and if you are looking for an apology, hell would freeze over before she did that, it's just terrible.
I'm 52 now, however, when I was turning 32, or 33, we had family/friends over because my birthday is near Thanksgiving. I believe this particular time, my birthday was on Thanksgiving or the day after. My older sister, the next door neighbor, and I were sitting in the livingroom when my sister suggested that we need to add my birthday festivity into Thanksgiving. I was somewhat depressed; not married, no kids, etc, therefore, I simply did not want to make a big 'to do' regarding my birthday. I told my sis I was a little depressed. My mom walks downstairs, hears some of our conversation, and says IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBOR, 'won't you kill yourself!'. I was beyond freakin shocked....we all were. Like, who says that to their child???She's very argumentative, won't back down and she's even like that still at 73. Like I mentioned, I totally understand no one is perfect, but she has been one of the 'mother's at her church' for over 10 years a believe, and some of the folks have NO idea how nasty she can be.
I tried to have a conversation with her a few weeks ago...I needed to borrow a few dollars until my check arrived in a week. She knew my money was coming, I do NOT ask to borrow anything on a constant basis, and when I do, I immediately repay. She was so nasty to me, even bought up how she had bought me lunch a week or so before, when she 'offered!' I never asked her to do it, yet she threw in my face that she wanted her money back. I didn't need to use her funds; via credit card because my sister interceded, however when I tried to apologize her for even asking, stating I wasn't trying to burden her, and I mentioned the way she snapped at me, she totally turned everything on me, saying 'that was just my opinion'. Trust me, I have no reason whatsoever to lie about her attitude,but once again, that's her 'saintly self righteous attitude'. Then she gets into this long spill about how she use to give her parents money and how I only give her something for her birthday and Mother Day. I remained as calm as possibly and explained that I have had a lot of bills, jobs that haven't paid the most, and a failed marriage that left me in debt as well. My mom hasn't worked since her early 50's, her husband pays ALL the bills, car, car insurance, mortgage etc. I believe the only bill she pays is her cell phone, and helps with food...that's it! She buys things to beautify the home, however, she doesn't have a lot of expensive, other than loving to shop for clothes in shoes non-stop. I would love to give my parent money monthly however, I cannot give what I don't have. I don't have a husband paying my car payment, my rent etc. It's just frustrating. A while back, it's like I couldn't even stand for her to touch me. When I felt like our hands were going to touch, I'd try to avoid it....I think it's just due to her spirit. I feel like her attitude is somewhat like a bully and I am also turned off by folks who NEVER ADMIT THEIR WRONG, OR APOLOGIZE....yet you say you are a Christian....really??? I know Christian does not mean perfect....I totally get it, yet, to be in your 70's and still act like this yet in church several times a week. Sometimes I have wondered, 'how did I end up with a mother like this'? It's sad, and painful. Sometimes I have wondered if when she does die; if she goes before me, if I would even cry. I never agreed with folks mistreating others, and talking to them any kind of way. It is NOT acceptable, and even the more when you are 'naming the name of Christ'. I continue to pray and ask God to help me, so that I don't become disrespectful....I just think sometimes it's best to just keep my distance; visit every now and then, and call no more than once a week. I just know, I am not going to tolerate this type of behavior and if it means I have to remove myself to talk once a month, or seeing her once a month, then I'll have to do whatever I have to in order to protect M.E.!
I am new to reaching out for support. Mom(80) diagnosed w/ Parkinson’s Ds 3.5 yrs ago, has been in nursing home for 7 mos. Her inability to move has resulted in devastating pressure sore on her backside. We started receiving hospice services 2 weeks ago because this is unhealable and very large and deep. She is in excruciating pain and totally alert. I try to advocate for her every single day. I have tremendous guilt for having her placed there but it was getting way too much for my dad and I to care for her at home. Her pain meds have just been increased but she is not comfortable. She’s unable to speak or wrote and just moans in pain and pleads w/ me w/ her eyes. I can’t handle seeing her suffer and also am feeling so very sad thinking about losing her and about my dad losing her. It’s just hard. Any coping advice would be greatly appreciated.
I've been caring for my mom for 2 years now. Her sole caregiver. I am 27 years old BTW. Her condition worsen to where I almost lost her 3 months ago. Now she is bedridden. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this new way of life and all these feelings that go with it
Three's a charm? said...
I think I just figured out why my brother is so cold and uncaring about me and my Mother. I think he believes I am getting paid for this. I’ve been taking care of my Mother for years now, and I’m so burnt out! He refuses to help me, and when he’s in a position where he has to do something (once) he makes a big point of letting me know. When he visits us, he will tell me something that needs to be done for my Mother, even if he is more in a position to do it. He belittles my concerns and needs. I want to just scream!!! How can I say this to him without losing it? I am so angry about this. He even told my Mother she would have to go to a nursing home if I didn’t get more help with her (paid help), without ever talking to me about it. Then he and my sister in law said they were coming here to “manage “ the services for my Mother like I was not doing it enough, again without speaking to me about it, and treating me like I am unable to take care of things. I’m getting paid help and setting up day care for my Mother. I think it must be that he thinks I’m being paid. I can’t think of any other reasons why he is so cold. The other possibility is that he disrespects me so much that treating me like this is just a continuation of how he treated me when we were kids. I would hope that this is not the case, but I can’t discount the possibility. I hate that this is possibly continuing after all these years! I don’t feel I can talk to them about things without being offensive to them. I’m the only one person who has ever taken care of my Mother. I’ve never had any help from anyone in the family. I also took care of my father for the months until he died, before starting to care for my Mother. Again, no recognition of anything I had done. If they are not going to help me, I just wish they would leave me alone, and not be yet another problem for me to deal with. This is just too much !!!! I’m fed up with all of this, and I don’t want to have to keep taking their abuse. How do I relate this to them without losing it?!!! I’m so angry!
I feel bamboozled by my family members. I really thought that I was going to have some help with taking care of my mother but as always, my family members like to say one thing but do another. I am getting back to that place where I am running of fumes everyday with juggling a full time job and being my mother's primary caregiver. I am not getting enough rest (my mother shouts out my name in the middle of the night in her sleep), I am eating poorly because I am trying to cook a meal for both me and my mother when I get in at 7 pm every night. I see where my life is fraying at the seams and those who claimed they would help goes off and does their own thing. I think the one thing that is saving me from going completely bonkers is I realized that if my mother was to move in with me, I would have to be her caregiver, despite all of the "promises" made about who would do what when it came to care. Learning to accept that truth before she moved in has made the transition a little smoother. Still trying to keep my anger and resentment towards my family at bay but I think a good night's rest would make it all better.
It has started. That feeling that I am standing still while others are moving on with their life. I am trying to stop the resentment that is bubbling up on the surface and seeping into my life. I am on a mission to look for some of the positive things in my daily life that I can appreciate so not to covenant the life of others who have been relieved of the duty of taking care of my mother. I refuse to live in that resentment and anger. I need to make sure I create outlets for myself. I want to ask y'all, what are some of the things you do for yourself?
Hello. I am taking the time to get support for myself since I have once again become the caregiver for my mother. She has a lot of health problems and she has ostracized my family to the point that no one is willing to help take care of her when she is at the point where she is not able to take care of herself. I thought that I had some support from my sister but she has sort of taken a back seat to my mother's care. I hope to be a contributing member to this and other caregiver support groups so not to be left depleted and full of resent like I was last time I was my mother's caregiver.
My mother is dying without medical care because she's refused to see a doctor since her chemo treatments two years ago. She has declined to the point that I am worried that every days is her last. Because she's refused medical care, I do not have support from hospice or anyone else. Father, brother have passed on and I am alone every night thinking she's drawing her last breath. I am angry, resentful and depressed that my mother has put me in this situation. I've been caregiver for two years and the only way I've survived this situation along with my chronic depression has been to try and not exceed my limitations which leaves me feeling like the worst caregiver ever. I am keeping her home which is all she wants. It's up to me to figure out how to do it. We were never close. I guess I've gotten what I deserve.
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