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Caring for a Parent

Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.

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jj101vila said...

about 8 hours ago

I wanted to share a story. Honestly, its so hard with everything else that is going in my life, with working two jobs and manging kids, to keep up with all the stuff that has to happen with my parents, who are getting on in age and have so many issues (diabetes, hip problems, breathing issues) and keeping track of who needs to take what medicine when. The last couple of weeks have been so much better because I finally found something that could help me keep track of those things. I get these text message reminders to my phone every day at the right time and it's such a burden off of my shoulders.

jj101vila said...

about 8 hours ago

Awhite222 said...

about 13 hours ago

I am so badly wanting to hear from someone that is in a similar situation! I am a 33 year old wife and mother of a 2 year old and one on the way. My poor dad had a massive stroke 6 years ago and has lived with my husband and I for 5 1/2 years. He suffers from severe aphasia and right sided paralysis. Its such a struggle trying to care for my daughter and keep my husband happy. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I work part time, my husband full time and we are able to bring in a caregiver when we work. I am a nurse and refuse to put him in a nursing home. I just get overwhelmed sometimes.

Marisant said...

1 day ago

Hello, My Dad has been in and out of the hospital for various health issues. He will be going to a rehab facility today. My stepmom, who I love dearly is in the beginning stages of dementia. She is still living at home. My stepbrother has control over their finances right now, although he doesn't have power of attorney. My concern is will my Dad have enough finances to cover his care. My stepmom has the ability to sign for things, but does she really know what she is signing? They suggested my Dad apply for Medicaid, but he is a Veteran and also should have SS. Worried that they are liquidating his assets without letting him and us know. Any suggestions?

emptynest said...

1 day ago

Thrill is gone said...

about 8 hours ago

Moondreamergirl said...

3 days ago

Hi, I am new to this site. I am in my mid-40's and am caregiver to my Mom. She and I started this journey five years ago. I am so worn out, and yet I feel so badly about feeling worn out. I have tremendous guilt for feeling this way because I am not the one battling a life-changing illness. There are so many conflicting emotions that I did not expect. I am thankful to find this site. I am encouraged to know I am not unique in feeling over-extended.

withereddawn said...

3 days ago

Moondreamergirl said...

2 days ago

FrancesC said...

6 days ago

Wow so today it went from bad to worse. Mom and I haven't been getting along as of late and today was just the icing on the cake.

I called mom to see if it would be OK for me to not come by as I have a bunch of stuff to do at home and she started out being very curt with me. She asked about whether a roof issue on her rental property had been fixed and I told her I was told it was but I didn't know for sure and I wasn't planning on going back over there until the painter goes, which I don't know when that will be (next few days hopefully) to finish a part that was missed by everyone. Then she started in about how could that be missed and I said "honest mistake". Of course she gets more angry by the second with "they knew that was part of my unit". I tried to explain it away by saying that the color matched the next door unit and maybe the painter that did the next door unit painted it but I was told she had the color changed and that wasn't right. Needless to say I said it really didn't matter but we were going to have it resolved. She started again about "see? they ALL LIE". I again said I think it's an honest mistake, but she just seemed to get more and more angry with that.

So I decided that maybe I needed to take her over to her rental to have a look and tried to call her twice. She didn't pick up, so I just got my ladder in my truck and went to her condo. She told me to leave. I asked what I did and she refused to talk, turned the TV up and acted as if I were invisible. I tried asking about 10 times what I've done and got no answer. So I went home.

Needless to say my husband has had enough of all of it because it completely devastates me to be treated like this (I have a headache now just trying to figure it all out). So he said either I quit being her caregiver or he's leaving. So we go back over there and he asks "why do you treat her like this?" She says "leave. I'm not talking.". He says no. She says "leave or I'm calling the police". I tried saying "let's call the caregiver company". That didn't work. She picks up the phone and starts dialing 9-1-1. I didn't want a domestic disturbance charge on my husband so we left and I called the caregiver company to let them know I've quit.

They've tried to call her but I don't think they've managed to reach her yet. I do know they left her a VM that she's picked up (I can see that online).

I just can't fathom why mom does this to me. It all goes back to about 2 months ago when it really started getting bad. When I asked her why she beats me up when I'm the only person who will do anything for her and she said "because you need it". I'm still floored by that.

And she told me a couple of days ago she should have never left her house, even though it was literally falling down around her. "It would have stayed while I was still alive". I'm not so sure about that. Then there's this gem: "you complained about all the yard work there and now you're helping your son with his". Yeah, well, he helps me with his and doesn't criticize everything I do. I got armchair directions on yours. I couldn't even fertilize the bushes right....

Mom is 86, has had chemo and radiation a couple of years ago that she didn't really even need for breast cancer and the last memory test she had at her PCP she only missed one out of 25 questions. So she thinks she's fine. But her paranoia is at an all-time high.

Anyone else had this happen lately and how did/are you dealing with it? One other thing - mom is legally blind so I still need to be helping her with her finances, but I have a feeling she's going to fight me on that....

FrancesC said...

5 days ago

FrancesC said...

2 days ago

Barb4444 said...

6 days ago

After moving my 86-year-old mother to a memory care home 2.5 years ago, she passed in May. While I was glad her suffering had finally ended, I'm still caring for my 89-year-old father in my home. I teach full time as I'm only 60 and not ready to retire. My adult daughter and her young son moved in two months ago to help out after Mom passed.. With that short bio, you veteran caregivers are already imagining stories, right? So I've decided to post some humorous tidbits that I'm sure you all can relate to.

  1. For three years, Mom asked: How old am I today? My response #1: As old as you want to be. My response #2: 88. Mom: Wow, that's old. Me: Yep.

  2. Mom loses/breaks fourth pair of hearing aids in 10 months. My fifth graders are on high alert to the numerous phone calls I must take during the day from the care home, doctors, insurance drones, etc.. They like to guess who the caller is by watching my face. They know by my expression that Alice's new hearing aids are ready. Everyone cheers!

  3. 99 degrees yesterday, Grandpa sat around in his underwear. 98 degrees the day before: Grandpa sat around in his underwear. 99 degrees today: Grandpa and 4-year-old grandson both in their underwear. I tell Grandpa and 4-year-old grandson that everyone in the house Must Wear Pants. No exceptions! Sigh.

I'm trying every day to keep a sense of humor. Some days are easier than others.! ;)

Ladymiller said...

6 days ago

Molly42255 said...

14 days ago

Hello I am 62 and caring for my 88 year old Father who is in very good health and my 81 year old Mother who has parkinson's with some dementia and yesterday was diagnosed with seizures. I spend my days with my Mother. She had a stroke 2 years ago and subsequently had 3 subdural hemotomas. She broke her leg 4 months ago and was in rehab then was out for 2 weeks and got sick. She refused to eat or get up and walk and had to go back to rehab. It is a continual battle to get her to get up and move. She refuses to bathe. I have discussed with her the reality that if she cannot walk and is confined to a wheelchair that she will have to go to a nursing home. I think she wants to go thinking that it will be like rehab and people will wait on her hand and foot. I hate the thought of separating Mom and Dad but I am not physically able to lift Mom. It is so frustrating to try to keep her at home for my Fathers sake but she will not move. Dad is also at his wits end. I am taking a trip next month and they will be going to assisted living for respite care. I have hopes that this will help my Dad by having his meals prepared and a change in environment while having help readily at hand.

emptynest said...

11 days ago

Barb4444 said...

6 days ago

Sabrotro said...

14 days ago

I am a 16 year old living with my mother and my 74 year old father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about two years ago. Living with him has become more and more of a hassle as of lately; we don't let him use the stove or the oven anymore because he keeps burning pots and pans, so I've had to take on the responsibility of cooking for the family since my mother works full-time, and I have to make sure he doesn't try to use the stove. I have to manage my schedule around him which isn't that big of a deal, but it's hard when he calls me every five minutes to see where I am. I also worry when he is home alone (he is completely capable of being by himself as of now, but now that we don't want him to use the stove anymore I worry about leaving the house) and I don't leave the house much anymore and I've become very antisocial due to the fact that I don't want to make plans and leave dad by himself. I love him to death but sometimes it's frustrating when I want to take a nap or I'm trying to focus on something and he comes into my room and asks me the same questions every ten minutes. My mother really tries her best and she's such a good person, but between working 5-6 days a week and taking care of dad, I don't get nearly as much attention. That sounds selfish, but sometimes I just want to be taken care of by my mother and given a day full of attention more than once a week. I'm not mad at her or dad for this and I understand that what mom is going through is stressful. I also know that I'm supposed to be mature and act like an adult, but I feel like my childhood and my "golden years" were ripped away from me. Again, I don't resent my father for this, he had no control over this situation. Besides dad, school is starting up again soon and I'm very nervous. I get mildly bullied at school and I'm in AP classes, so between school and home I don't get a break. I'm on anti-depressants and they helped for some time, but they've almost nearly lost their affect. I'm so stressed and worried about dad once I go back to school. Mom says that we'll get him a caretaker, but that doesn't make me any less panicked. Sorry this paragraph was somewhat disorganized, but I've been feeling so frustrated with life lately and it's difficult trying to find someone to talk to who understands from my point of view.

FrancesC said...

14 days ago

emptynest said...

13 days ago

Janineb110 said...

15 days ago

I am a single mother of a 34yr old son who had a stroke a yr ago. He had a brain tumor at 6 and has been disabled his entire life. But now he can't walk or use his right side. I quit my job (somewhat) I'm a hairdresser and still do a few clients. I got approved through Humana Eldercare (Florida Medicaid waiver) to get paid for caring for him. They cover all costs for 2day of daycare 2 days of agency services which leaves me with 40hrs paid time and a break a couple days a week which I do hair. It's been difficult due to my own medical issues. I struggle with the fact that he had lost the ability to have empathy toward my struggle and I feel like I'm not appreciated....but I know better. I'm getting ready to take a week for myself and put him in an ALF for respite. It's no joke! I've lost all support from friends and family for some reason. I used to have a lot of company, but no one stops by or calls ANYMORE. I feel like I don't have a life of my own.

FrancesC said...

15 days ago

Barb4444 said...

6 days ago

21 days ago

Hello I am new here 44 living with my parents my mom is 70 and has major health problems I just left my job two years a go to take care of her and the house so my dad can still work. It's like living in hell I am so stuck here I am by my self no one helps no other family members I do it all my self we do have a cleaning lady that comes in that's it. I have no friends no boy friend no life of my own I should be doing my own thing but I can't I do get paid for it but it still sucks I have no one to talk to or help me most of the family members are in bad health as well and just don't like me the only time I get out of the house is on the weekends I am so stressed out can't deal no one knows what I go through on a daily basis she can be a total b????tch my dad has major issues and takes it out on me this has not been fun my dad has gotten worse He can be a prick I do all of this work and I get treated like sh????t if feels I have no way out its endless road dark and very lonely the only time is when I sleep when I get relief I just need some one to talk to and listen on this never ending road

emptynest said...

19 days ago

8 days ago

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