Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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Hi Im new here. I have been living with my 94 year old Mom for a couple years now. I moved home when ended a relationship as I needed a dwelling and they needed help. My father passed of Alzheimers a couple years ago, so now it is just Mom and I. I am unpaid and broke, yet she is not. I keep getting the response from her and one of my kids that me having a free home is equal to the time I spend helping her. My bother and sister resent me living there - free.....so they never come over or call. I feel I am being taken advantage of as I spend as much time living her life as mine. I really need to talk to someone who is dealing with this type of situation. Ahh... I feel better already just saying it. M
New to this site. I care for my Mom who is 84. Very burned out. She lives with me. My sister lives 1/2 hour drive away but doesn't want to give me breaks. I don't get along with her at all. My sister is a narcissist. Lots of troubles and stress. Just wanted to say hi.
I've been taking care of my mom for the last 5 years or so. Out of 4 children, only my older sister and I remained. And because I lived with her, most of the job fell to me. That was fine with me, as long as I some help, and a break every couple of months or so to spend the night away. But Spending 24/7 here, just me and mom, with me cooking & cleaning, bathing & dressing her, and everything that goes with taking care of an 88 year old woman, whose memory is going fast was breaking me down. I have mental health issues of my own. I was hospitalized myself last year. I have hurt my back lifting her, and her wheelchair, when we had to use that. All the while my sister lives next door, and comes by less and less. She bring Mom's medicine by. She does take care of that. But since May I have not had a bit of help around here at all. I haven't been able to get away overnight since March. She (sister) believes the only break I need is going to the doctor. I have more doctor appointments than most people. But I never go out with friends, go out on dates, or have any social life whatsoever. If I see my boyfriend of 5 years, he comes here and we sit in my room watching tv or eating dinner. Once in a month or so, I will go to his house for a few hours after a doctor appointment. And my aunt comes by to check on my mom. My sister says I am trying to pick a fight with her if I even suggest she help me, and Mom always takes her side. She is 62 years old. Recently she got mad at me because I asked her not to yell at Mom, and she blocked my phone. So now all communication must go through Mom, and she doesn't keep things straight. My boyfriend asked me to spend the night at his house last week. I wanted to. But Mom wakes up every morning at 7:00 and need help walking to the bathroom and needs someone to make her breakfast and coffee. I knew my aunt would see to her that night while I was gone, but I did not feel comfortable asking her to come the next morning too. And my sister never gets up before she has to. So I asked mom to tell her(sis) that we needed to talk about this. Mom kept telling me she would do it the next time she talked her. But never did & it's ridiculous to even need her to. So I told them tonight we should talk about it. Neither of them would speak to me directly. Mom said "she wants to stay gone overnight". My sister..."she stays gone all the time" , My mom" not overnight she doesn't". My sister..."why is everyone I talk to tonight trying to pick a fight with me?" I am standing there, in the room with them, being lied about, and Mom does defend me but only barely! If I did not love her as much as I do, I would go stay at my boyfriend's, or anywhere, for a week or so, and let the two of them try to figure out how to get all the things that I do everyday and night, done. I know my sister doesn't care enough or "doesn't have time" to do them. She has a 6 acre yard she has to keep cut. And flowers to keep weeded, And a garden to work in. Oh and she's sick. Mom thinks she can do things alone, but that's how she ended up in the hospital 3 times between December and March. By insisting on working in the kitchen or going to the bathroom alone when I was at the doctor. Yet her accidents were always blamed on me. How do I keep my sanity in this ridiculous situation? It seems that we are all acting like children in this very serious time. I never want to resent anything I do for my mother, I feel blessed to still have her in my life. I also don't want my sister regretting some day, that she spent Mom's last days arguing with her (and me) over stupid, little things. I may be wrong. I hope I am. Mom may live for another 10 years. But if she does, I am definitely going to need more help on a regular basis!
Wow!...What a wonderful resource & community! I guess you can say that "I've been drafted" into the role of caregiver recently. About 4 months now. As I scroll down the webpage and read the various posts: the feelings, experiences, challenges, pains...All of it sounds so eerily familiar. I tell people that I feel like I've been hit with a double-whammy. My father has been diagnosed with brain cancer, now in hospice; and my mother is hopelessly lost without him. I've been managing the finances and care for both of them, visiting dad daily and shuttling mom around get her needs met. I'm writing today not necessarily wanting to ask questions, but to begin voicing my story and offer support to others in this community. Wishing you all strength! -SD
Hello All - I need some advice. I'd had my mom living with me and my family for close to 16 years now. English is her second language, she doesn't drive, and we do not have a lot of family in the area so I'm "it". I take her to MD appointments, write out her bills, take her shopping, and more recently am becoming her only social connection. She is a tough cookie to deal with - she is constantly negative and she insults people consistently "as a joke". Our home has a ground level, walk-out basement that serves as an in-law suite. My husband has always wanted to keep the door locked so that we could have our privacy because she comes up as she pleases, sometimes when we are not home. I've always insisted that she should have free reign of the home because that's the whole point of her being with us. It seems cruel to "lock her in the basement" so to speak although in our case the basement is daylight with two doors (a single door on one side and patio sliders on another). Today, I was on my way home from bringing her to a friends and I wanted/needed alone time after I dropped her off. So, I proceeded to drop her off at her entrance. She HATES when I do this because to her it seems as though she is being sent to her "jail". She wants to come into the main house, she whats going on, etc. And 9.9 times out of 10, this is what we do (she comes in the main house). Today, I just needed space. What does she do? She comes upstairs 5 minutes after I drop her off with the excuse that she needed a lemon. Now folks, I an usually very very patient with her. But I've had it. I just have no privacy and I'm so frustrated and sick of it that I can cry. We got into an arguement and of course, she throws the ole "you'll be sorry when I die" and "it won't be long' etc etc. My teenage daughters see this and I feel terrible because of course, I look like the bad guy. Anyway, should I keep the door locked? We have sacrificed so much already buying two houses that we didn't even want because they had space for her. I'm constantly driving her around, calling her, making time for her and I feel like she doesn't respect my privacy at all and there are no boundaries because in her culture it's "what's mine is yours" and she's always throwing in my face all she has done for me. I seriously resent her and I am jealous of those folks who have normal parents who are independent and supportive.
I've been restricted access my Mother because my brother doesn't want to share our Mother's home. I was her care giver in my home until she started getting better and wanted to go back to her own home. My brother and sisters didn't agree so they mislead her and our Mother signed herself into a nursing home because she believed it was going to be her own apartment. It's been four months since I've seen my Mother. Prior to her stroke last September we were best friends. I don't know how to go on. I miss her more than words can express. I'm in counseling, but that I doesn't seem to help. I just want to be with my Mother. My siblings have said that I will never see our Mother again. Heartbroken :-(
Until you are a caregiver you have no idea what being a caregiver entails. I became my mother's over 2 years ago. To say that it changed my and my husband's lives is no exaggeration. A New Normal. The first 6 months were touch and go as we and she muddled through, trying to come up with a workable schedule and routine. Hit and miss! Daily adjustments and compromises. Now we are in a good routine. But now the relentless day in and day out grind just exhausts me!!! BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET TIME OFF!! No days off to speak of. My two brothers waltz in occasionally to take her to lunch then they go home. Big deal. When I do try to get away for a few days I have to pay someone to be here. This is rare. Going on errands by myself is a pleasure! Pitiful but you take what you can....HA!
My mother had a massive stroke on August 8th. She survived but will never be the same. I am struggling with how to help them. As the oldest of 4 children my dad is depending on me a lot however I live in a different state with my husband and son. I have been able to be flexible and come stay with them but I am not going to be able to do this forever. I just feel like I am being pulled in 100 different direction and all I want is for my mom to be ok. It is rocking my world big time.
We have had my mother with us for 2 1/2 years. My sister is not in the picture so everything is on me. My Mother complains about EVERYTHING. It's always Negative. She bitches about the weather, the traffic, her room, her bathroom - by the way - she has the MASTER which is REALLY NICE - we live upstairs in a kids room. We moved back to her neighborhood in Texas from Georgia - hoping she would get reconnected with her friends. My parents came with us 2 1/2 years ago for a job my husband took. My Dad died within 4 months. We came back to Texas to try and have some kind of social life. She is terrified to stay alone for an evening for us to go out - We did go on a dinner date for our anniversary last week. She is angry because she has 2 friends that want to have lunch with her and she ISN'T READY - ?????? - What does that even mean. She thinks she needs to go to lunch with her one friend FIRST before her other friend. However the first friend's husband died recently so she is tied up. Obviously my Mother can have lunch with either friend and I'm sure the other friend isn't going to be upset. She is worried that her friend will call and ask to go to lunch on a day she is "Busy" = So I said - then say you are busy that day. It is EXHAUSTING. She can't drive - she doesn't see well because of maculardegeneration - and she acts like she doesn't know how to do anything. She follows me around no matter what I am doing. VERY FRUSTRATED. Would love to go to the store BY MYSELF. Thanks for letting me vent.
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