Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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What's New Today
about 7 hours ago
My 94 year old dad came from his out of town home to live with me 41/2 years ago. He is very intelligent, so even though he is a little forgetful, he is still very mentally active and easily bored. His mobility is declining, which discourages him. Although I understand his struggles, I am going crazy trying to lift his spirits and help him find meaningful things to do with his time. He seems to seek out the down side of everything.
2 days ago
Just moved my mother close to us because she's 85 and slowing down. She sure doesn't need a 3 bedroom home anymore. My brothers were no help with the move and all that entails but they sure had opinions on what we decided on. Well, two months after her move, she is so negative I am going crazy. She's made a few new friends which was so important because she was very alone in her old house. Now all she does is tell me how she misses her house. No, she misses my father who died 40 years ago and my step father who's gone 20 years. I can't help,that! She refuses to,see anything positive about being somewhere new. I'm tired of hearing her negative talk about everything from the neighborhood to my husband who would do anything for her. Should I stay away for a few days and see if she looks for me or continue to,take the abuse?
2 days ago
My husband and I care for my 94 year old mother. We built a cottage adjoining our home because she wants as much privacy and space as she can manage. She moved in about 3 months ago. The first month was hell but now we are in a routine of sorts and everyone has adjusted better. She is mobile, using a cane and does ok with our help. I give her pills and we make sure she eats with us 3 times a week. We go to the grocery for her, etc. Her needs are met, mostly by me. I am 62 and not in excellent health but am managing. My first question is how do you deal with the exhaustion? and even more important, how do you make sure you get enough "me" time? And we are having family trouble; so much so that we have had to get an attorney. This doesn't help with the stress and exhaustion! Thank you!
5 days ago
So today, Dad's complaining about how my sister yelled at him last night. What did she have it out with him about? The pills. She told him to stop calling us with stupid crap at our jobs. Today, he calls me just to let me know that this week on Good Morning America, it was addiction week. Ok? So? Your point? I told him countless times, "Stop eating breaded products." He eats nothing but sandwiches and sandwiches and pizza and sandwiches, did I mention sandwiches? Even after my sister and I both cook for him full meals. Chicken with vegetables, soups, etc. The other night when I got there he wanted Chinese food. "No! You can eat something other than fast food", I yelled. I'm not understanding why I am beginning to have this bitterness toward him now. He said something about this weekend. "Sorry! Kids got games and it's my husband and my only 2 days off sorry", I said before he could get anything out. Their are no games, I just don't want to be around him anymore. I don't want to constantly talk the same boring old crap. Come inside, to find him watching the same boring dvds he's taped over and over and over again! Then he has the nerve to ask, "What's the matter, are you tired?" Well? Yeah. I work full time. Not sit and watch tv all day.
I argued with his surgeon, to please sign him up for outpatient physical therapy, because he's not doing what he's supposed to do at home. He's supposed to put his hands on a wall, and practice bending over. Sitting in the chair glued to a tv isn't doing your Physical therapy. I've had it. I have sincerely had it.
His friend just went in a nursing home at 58 years old, for uncontrolled diabetes and dementia. I'm afraid, Dad's getting down the dementia road. He calls me today, "I got a bunch of hoagies from the store", he tells me. I slammed on my desk. Then I thought of something my husband told me this morning. "You can't argue with him. Let him eat his beloved sandwiches, let his cholesterol go sky high from burger king and McDonalds. We have our life to live. I am not letting you get sick over him again! I don't care what I gotta do. You aren't getting that sick again!"
I just got some blood work back that I had last week. I have anemia. The doctor couldn't get hold of me, so he calls my husband at work. My husband is head mechanic of a garage. I was in a meeting this morning when I got a "Call your husband, it's important" text. "Are you eating at work", my husband asks me. How'd he know I don't eat. I don't eat cause my stomach's a mess from nerves. "No, I don't eat", I said. "Yeah, I know. You don't eat at home either. So now guess what? Doctor couldn't get hold of you, so he called me. You're anemic, and your potassium is extremely low. We're not going over there today. We're gonna get you taken care of and that is that. I've kept quiet for too damn long. Now I'm gonna speak my mind. I love you to pieces, and I swear I'm not gonna let that Father of yours bring you down with him." So I now have to take potassium supplements, and eat more during the day. Guess it's back taking Prilosec.
6 days ago
My mother-in-law was just diagnosed with dementia and it's very hard to understand her. She's very weak and has been misplacing medicine, her glasses, etc. She also has developed incontinence. It's a real handful right now and my husband and I have our own health concerns to think about. They talked with us about a Home Healthcare Nurse coming into her home on a daily basis, but we wanted her to come home with us for a few days so she could be with family. My husband is becoming frustrated and I'm not sure how to help him. Any thoughts?
An anonymous caregiver said...
6 days ago
My fiancée broke off our engagement month and half before wedding. He couldn't take my moms constant delusions and manic episodes. When she ad an episode she would call me constantly and come over our apartment ringing the doorbell late at night. He asked me to cut her off completely, not help her financially and not speak to her at all. But I found that hard because a proper diagnoses ad not been made as of three months ago. I was very depressed past two years and tried my best to not give him too much stress. He started avoiding me and finally a month and half ago when my mom was taken to psych er, he ended everything. I'm devastated beyond belief , there are days I don't want to live anymore. I feel alone and abandoned. Don't know how I can survive this.
7 days ago
So Dad went for his post op checkup today. After talking to my psychiatrist, I'm making Dad do things alone so that He can get used to moving around again. I got really angry with the surgeon however. Because the surgeon gave him another prescription for percocette and flexerol. It seems as though what I tell the surgeon, goes right outa his mind whenever I talk to him about Dad possibly being addicted to percocette and flexerol. I have my own back issues, and I am tired of picking up doggy doo, trash and other messes his dogs make. I found myself screaming at him today, saying, "If you fill those damn pills, I refuse to deal with you anymore!" I am so tired of the same scenarios. Come into his house, him either yelling at the top of his lungs at his dogs, or knocked out on a chair from his God awful pills!
Lately, I find myself telling him I have to go places with my stepdaughter who is 16, on the weekends so as not to deal with him anymore. My 2 youngest stepkids have games, school activities, etc. I'm tired of Dad's "I wish I were dead" shpeels. I think he's got a little dementia setting in. My husband's sister who is a registered nurse, has tried to explain this situation to the surgeon to no avail!
The other night, I had a migraine so god awful, my husband had to call rescue to get me to the hospital. My stepkids said I wasn't making any sense, etc. I remember my face being numb on the left side. I tried to walk off the stretcher in the hospital but fell back down, because the room felt like it was spinning. I'm so angry and tired!
8 days ago
I am feeling so guilty! My mom is 90 and always sweet and good-natured, but definitely passive-aggressive. She will groan loudly and say "ohhh...I can't reach this" instead of asking for someone to pass the salt. She also gets in my way when I'm cooking and then says "Well, I want to help!" I am so tired and in pain from a bulging disc in my back (for which I am getting surgery on the 29th) and I am getting short-tempered and cranky.
Then there's my father. He has dementia, can hardly walk (but won't use a walker), smokes one cigar after another (which is costing them over $150 per month), gets on a "loop" and starts telling the same story over and over again and keeps you trapped listening to him, and now he has started slipping his hands down the caretakers' bottoms or touching their backs and arms when they don't want him to. He is also funny, good-natured, and sings all the time...although he's stated singing racy songs he learned during WWII (one of which is extremely offensive.)
Frankly, I am looking forward to my impending surgery. I will be in pain, but I will get some rest and alone time. I read some posts here from other people who have gotten to the point where they are shouting at their parents, which I totally identify with. I feel like I have a scream inside me that I'm constantly holding in. I contacted two support groups in my area, but one never called back and the other I just couldn't get to. I feel like I have little time to care for myself, even though we have a housekeeper two hours a day, a home health aid three hours a day during the week, and a nurse who comes once a week to check on them and fill their pill cases.
I feel like under other circumstances this would be a blessing, but I am 68 years old, raised my grandson to age 16 and am still in mourning for having to leave him with his parents who are using him as a babysitter, cook and soon-to-be driver for his little sister. I had two head concussions from falls in 2013 and 2014, and now I have this extreme pain in my back. I am still dealing with my own cognitive and health issues. Not only that, I have moved to a remote town where I know no one and have no support but my relatives (who live next door, but are burned out from taking care of my parents before I came, and from a recent death in the family.)
I guess I'm feeling trapped, lonely, sad, and tired. My mom and I were good companions for watching TV and conversing, but she just had a health crisis due to congestive heart failure (which I didn't know she had) and her mind is not clear anymore. She's very hard to talk to now...almost like my father...and I get so frustrated with her confusion that I find myself answering her in a very short manner.
I don't know if this online support will help me! Do people stay in touch? How does it work?
10 days ago
My mother began to show signs of autoimmune problems when I was 3 years old. By the time i was 7, i was helping get her in bed at night and to sleep because my father was forced to travel for work to help pay her medical bills. Now I'm 21, stuck back at my parents house still caring for her and I've started to develop my own life altering health problems while still being the primary caregiver for her. I put so much work into trying to make her comfortable and help her get better, the only problem is she isn't willing to put that effort in herself. Her most recent incident involved her falling down due to not sleeping for 2 days, and she called out for help but i was taking a nap so i couldn't hear. I ask her to carry her cell phone on her at all times so she can call and wake me up and i can help. Then i become the villain not being able to hear her cries while asleep with a very loud fan on, and for asking her to carry her cellphone. I can't take care of myself while also having to take care of her due to the constant fatigue and paranoia of what is going on. I pay for an apartment near by that i desperately want to move into, but i feel like if i leave she will blame me for leaving her and if something bad were to happen after i was gone, id blame myself for the rest of my life. Not really looking for advice... just a place i can finally get this in the open since ive dealt with this mostly by myself with my fathers occasional support when he is in town. Thank you...
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