Caring for a Parent
Is it still safe for Mom to live on her own? What to do about Dad's difficult behavior? How to manage incontinence, or problems with siblings and other family members? Discuss these topics and more in this online support group for adult children caring for a parent. Get tips, advice, and support for your parental caregiving questions or concerns. Connect with others who understand what you're going through.
Additional resources that may be helpful:
- Alzheimer's Info Center
- Memory Care Communities in U.S.
- Professional In-Home Caregivers
- Senior Money and Legal Resources
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What's New Today
1 day ago
Mom has been in a nursing home for care for 21 days after a stroke. She's on Medicare which pays very little after the 21 days. She caused complete havoc at the home. Her normal behavior. They put her in memory care in order to keep an eye on her. I'm the POA. They want $250,000.00 a year out of pocket to keep her there. Yes, you read it correctly. I remodeled my house for her when she first started her dementia. I told them no. Not happening. She HAS my remodeled house which has been approved by an OT from the hospital. Medicare doesn't pay a dime for memory care. End of discussion. They did an END RUN around me behind my back and tried to get my demented mother to fill out the paperwork in order to keep her. They would not let her call me. I do her advising and paperwork. Then they had a "policeman" visit her. I suspect they were trying to get her to say we abused her. That would be NEVER. She has regular visits with FOUR doctors. Fraid not. These people just don't quit. They had quite the act going. My husband visited her and pieced the story out of her and recorded it with his phone. We're supposed to pick her up tomorrow evening. This should be interesting.
1 day ago
My 83-year-old mum is healthy and mentally bright for her age but won't walk owing to vertigo and fear of falling. She has recently moved to assisted living near us but is not using the facilities provided unless we almost force her to, as she prefers to let my (recently retired) husband and me (still working) do almost everything for her. She makes no real effort to get to know other residents and have any independent life. I have sadly never had a close relationship with my mum, who has always tended to criticize me rather than notice anything good that I did, so I am finding it hard feeling responsible for her and knowing where to draw the line. I do want to help her have a good life, but need to learn how to do it without the current level of stress.
2 days ago
I'm really struggling recently with being my Dad's caregiver. He lives in a great assisted living group home, but I am the power of attorney and even though I have 2 older sisters I am the only one helping my Dad. He has always been difficult to get along with and my Mom, my Dad and my sisters made decisions that caused them not to have a relationship so it falls to me. My anger and bitterness affects my ability to be compassionate when I have to deal with him. I've talked to him about it many times, and it will get better for a while and then he goes back to being difficult. I've been having anxiety attacks lately too. I truly feel stuck, and I know the only way the responsibility will end is when he finally passes away. What do I do until then?
Yolanda's Daughter said...
3 days ago
I'm a 56 year old married woman. I just had to fly up north to take care of my mom that has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It was in her lungs and spread to her brain. She has lost an immense amount of weight and lost all the muscle mass on her legs so she can no longer walk. I have to help her out of bed and help her to the car to go to her appointment's. She stopped wanting to get out of bed to use the bathroom because it's been too difficult for me to get her out, I nearly dropped her a couple of times, and I think I've pulled my back muscle picking her up. I also had peroneal tendon surgery on my ankle that still trying to heal. She doesn't want to go into a home but I can't take care of physical needs anymore. How do I convince her with out hurting her feelings that she needs to go into a home care facility?
An anonymous caregiver said...
8 days ago
My mom is 77 and lost her vision due to temporal arteritis almost 2 years ago. She currently lives in an independent living community and has an aide take her back and forth to the dining room and also do some other things around her apartment for her . She has gotten involved in chorus and their book group but still talks about how she is lonely. She doesn't make an effort to call any of her friends that she had in NC and I feel incredibly guilty at times. Mostly because I didn't have her move in with me, but I was concerned about how it might effect my marriage and my family life. I also felt it would be better for her to be in a community where she would get social interaction daily. I feel very conflicted a lot of the time. She is in therapy as well. II am one of four children and two of my siblings, after much conflict, have completely checked out so my brother and I are really taking care of all her needs alone. I do wonder if it would be better to have her move in, but then I would also have an aide there most of the day.
8 days ago
My mother is almost 97 years old, still lives by herself and is very strong willed. She has macular degeneration and is hard of hearing. She also has dementia and is having memory problems that are getting worse every day, however she does not believe that. She is and always has been a difficult person but now her reasoning is completely gone. Nothing is ever right, nothing makes her happy. I am the only child and it all falls to me. At this point I would say our relationship is not good. She blames me for everything, thinks I take over control of her life and everything, even if she has asked me to do it for her, it gets turned around that I am taking over. I realize it has to be scary at her age when one starts losing control of things, but as I said there is no reasoning with her. She is resistant to assisted living for fear she gets into one and she "won't have anything to do". She accuses me of things I don't do and gets mad if I tell her "no" I am not going to do this or that because what she is asking is unreasonable and unnecessary. Getting her into assisted living will require financial aid and as I understand it that could take quite a long time. We have tried hiring people here and there to help out, but she runs them off with her demanding attitude and doesn't like them because they won't do things her way. I really do feel bad for her, but I don't know what to do anymore. A couple of years ago we had her evaluated for in home care and was told she was not nursing home ready and that her income was just above the threshold for financial aid. She doesn't make enough money to have to pay for assisted living on her own, or hire in home care at $25.00 plus an hour, but she still can't get any financial aid. The system is very flawed in that regard. I won't abandoned her, but as stated I do not know what to do anymore. I can't do anything right to please her or to make her happy and more content. I am still working and am married and have a house to take care of, not to mention my own health, which is coming close to suffering. In one breath she says she wants to make things easier for me then turns right around and makes everything even more difficult and gets mad because I have to say no I can't do that right now. She won't accept a good share of her memory loss and says I make up things, lie to her and in general don't treat her very well. Her one big love is still shopping. My daughter does step in once and awhile and take her shopping. Grocery shopping is a nightmare as it takes two hours to get through the grocery store due to her eye sight and her memory and the fact that she needs to look at everything. She gets very childish in her behavior. Since I can't spank my mother, I'd like to have some suggestions on how to deal with and/or how I can speed up the process for getting her assistance for some help.
9 days ago
My parents are in their late 60's and I live with them, my father seems to not want to do anything. I never know if he is being stubborn or lazy or if he is sick. He finally admitted he didn't feal well and wondered if he had a blader infection again, he has apparently been not feeling well for a month! Yet always when I asked he would say he was fine. He has problems with his kidneys and diabetes, heart disease, gout, and bad knees. I want to help him button can't get him to drink enough liquids or eat on a regular schedule to prevent sugar problems, he waits forever to go use the bathroom and refuses to take a shower! I don't know if he is depressed and needs some medical care for that or if he is beginning to lose some mental function. It's all very difficult to deal with when he is so obstinate. I also am trying to figure out what to do about getting maintenance done on their house, he refuses to call for roof and foundation repairs that are needed. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
11 days ago
Mom continues to be extremely difficult. I'm doing everything I can to try and get along with her, but she's being absolutely impossible. She now says she doesn't trust me because of perceived slights and what she calls lies, she claims that she hasn't asked to go anywhere because she didn't want to bother me. The reality of the situation is that whenever I have asked her to go anywhere (including the grocery or around the block on her scooter) she refused. In the past I attempted to engage her in activities in her condo neighborhood but because she wasn't made the center of attention at the neighborhood functions she refused to go after once or twice. I took her to three different senior centers in the area trying to get her started with different groups there and the same thing - because the people there had their groups and didn't drop everything and make her the center of the universe she "didn't like their attitudes" and refused to go back. I finally gave up even asking to take her to the store after we had a completely blow-up that has lead to me only working as her caregiver part-time (she is furious about this) and she has told a former neighbor that she "lacks socialization". Mom completely distrusts me for reasons I really don't understand but refuses to talk to me about. She also will not move forward and let me apologize for her perceived slights and offenses. She says "I just cannot get past what you've done. You of all people. You just don't know what you've done to me." When I have gotten mom to talk some and have tried to tell her about MY feelings I'm met with a blank stare, told I deserve to be beat up, that my feelings don't matter, that mom has done so much for me, and none of what I have done for her matters. (Mom has neighbors who have told me they envy how much I do for her. Go figure.)
Here's my question: I'm wondering if anyone has a somewhat similar situation and if so have you attempted to talk to your parent's doctor about the situation? If you did, how did it go? I have POA so there shouldn't be a HIPPA issue, but I just wonder what would be the best way to approach the doctor. I would have to do this without mom's knowledge too. Should I go to the doctor's office without an appointment and try to get worked in to see the doctor? I worry that if I call for an appointment they may call mom's number for a confirmation accidentally to her number instead of calling me. Thanks for any input.
13 days ago
5 months ago my father committed suicide. He was my wheelchair bound mothers caretaker. That role has now fallen to me. Unfortunately that leaves my husband living /working across the country. I hadn't been home in about 3 years, I was living in Europe and only just returned to the states 3 days before this happened. Even though I was in constant contact with my mother during the years I was away, she gave no indication there was something wrong. I flew home immediately upon hearing about my father and returned to find my disabled mother living in a hoarder house. I was shocked to say the least.. In the subsequent months I've learned nothing about why my father did what he did. I haven't been able to grieve him. My mother requires all my attention. From 05:30- 11pm I am hers. Bathing, toilet. Dressing, errands, cooking, housework, taking care of her pets, and listening to her talk. My elderly grandparents and nephew live with her as well, so I also have responsibilities for them. I was only suppose to be here 60 days, to help clean up, get things accessible, bills and such organized, and get her comfortable with a home health worker. However, she won't allow me to move anything, won't commit to hire anyone, and is refusing any changes to simplify her life and keep her in her home, which is what she says she wants. Perhaps the worst is that I'm here helping her and being accused of horrible things and told to get out every other day. I can't remain here but I can't just leave her either.
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