Lesson #5: Keep talking even if you're not sure you're being heard
"My granddad was in a coma, and I felt I never got to tell him I loved him," says a 38-year-old Atlanta engineer. "Later someone told me he probably could have heard me, and I've kicked myself ever since for keeping quiet."
"Hearing is the last sense to leave the room, many studies show," says Sherry E. Showalter, a hospice social worker in Tarpon Springs, Florida, and the author of Krumpled Kleenex: Stories of Heartache and Healing. That's why you should always assume that a person who's unconscious, in a coma, or seems otherwise unresponsive can hear you, she says. "Say what's in your heart."
You may even get a reply. One family held the phone up to the ear of their grandmother, who'd been fading in and out of consciousness for days, so a son who was overseas and unable to travel could speak to her. Although she never regained consciousness, she faintly pressed her daughter's palm when she heard her son's voice. She died three hours later.
Lesson #6: Try to stay present -- don't get ahead of yourself
Survivors report that each precious moment can feel emotionally charged -- but overthinking this enormity can, ironically, dilute your ability to fully experience those moments.
At her much-loved father's bedside, Philadelphia writer Lise Funderberg began to notice herself trying to mentally record and then hang onto touching interactions as she was experiencing them. "I was hyperaware that every day could be his last day, so I'd get preoccupied thinking, 'Was that the last time he'll ever call me 'honeybaby'?'" recalls the author of Pig Candy: Taking My Father South, Taking My Father Home. She wishes she'd been able to turn off her "recorder brain" more in order to simply be with him in the moment.
Lesson #7: Trust your instincts, not "the rules"
Modern American culture has developed an odd code of conduct about how to say good-bye, Callanan says. One common expectation, for example, is that people should be somber. The problem: These beliefs simply aren't applicable to every situation.
Don't let anyone tell you there's a "right" way to behave. For some people, for example, jokes and obliviousness are the right tone right to the end. "I don't feel there was anything left unsaid, so I just chattered about me and my family as if she weren't sick," says New Jersey account manager Dawn Barclay of the 19 months her mother was hospitalized before dying, at 71, as the result of a stroke during heart surgery. "I wanted her to feel part of my everyday life, and she seemed to like it more than being pitied or hearing confessions about all the lousy things I'd done."
Lesson #8: You don't have to issue a formal farewell every time you leave the room
Not knowing if a parting is the final one brings the happiest of visits to an uncertain juncture. Here's where it helps to have expressed love, appreciation, forgiveness, and reassurance in an ongoing way, grieving survivors say.
"There's no law you have to 'make your peace' in one swoop. Say what you need to say many times and in different ways," Callanan recommends. "You'll be less likely to have regrets when the moment finally comes."
A full-time mother in Chicago says she was relieved to learn that the origin of "good-bye" is "God be with you." "It made talking to my dying father about what he meant to me seem less like a heavy final exchange and more like an ongoing kind of blessing," she says.
On parting, hospice workers suggest loving, open-ended phrases, like: "I love you; sleep well." Or in place of words, express all you're feeling with an embrace.
Lesson #9: You can speak volumes without uttering a word
It's hard to say good-bye -- but you don't have to "say" anything. Most critical: Just show up. Be there.
Susan, a 46-year-old Ohioan, says she felt awkward while listening to the eloquent words of comfort her siblings were giving their dying mother. "Everything I thought of saying either sounded like a lame echo of theirs or like a cliché that Mom would know wasn't really me. So instead I just sat next to her and held her hand for hours," she says. "From the way she gripped it back, even in her weak state, I know it meant a lot to her."
Foot rubs, stroking an arm or shoulder, kisses, smiles, and gazing into someone's eyes all communicate compassion, love, and gratitude for a shared lifetime. With or without accompanying conversation, your presence and your touch rank among the most eloquent, regret-free ways there are of saying good-bye.
ya it was but still have question
Everything was helpful and made me feel sad but better in knowing that I did the right thing when my husband passed away. I had him in our home with hospice care as well as our children being with him and I was with him except to try to sleep because the hospice nurse made me get the rest I needed. I was with him when he passed away and held his hand, kissed him, told him how much I loved him and helped the nurse get him ready to go on his journey. His death was peaceful and he was asleep, he gave one last breath and it was over. No more suffering. The Thursday before the Saturday that he passed, I told him I was going to the hairdresser and the grocery store. He said he wanted to go with me, I told him "okay" and I quietly left. When I came home, I was told that the phone rang and he wanted to get out of the bed and answer it because he said it was me calling. When he realized he could not really move, he said "I'm dying, "I'm dying", when I got home, he was asleep from the medication he was given to calm him and from that time forward, very little was said from him and his food intake was nil. That Saturday morning at 9:15a.m., my dear husband passed away. There is never an easy way to say a final "good-bye" to someone you love so much.
Hugs dream41495
I've just read some othe other comments and would agree that the most important last gift you can give anyone is for them to accept the Lord Jesus Christ into their heart as their Lord and Saviour and to be with Him and the Heavenly Father for ever. Death is then swallowed up in victory. I am praying that my Mum will be sitting at the Lord's feet in Heaven, clothed and in her right mind but can only pray as it is up to her to accept eternal life or not.
This is very helpful as I don't know how much my mother can understand any more in her late stage alzheimer's with vascular dementia. She doesn't always recognise me or the rest of the family. I have found giving her a hug or a kiss and smiling seems to reassure her and her face often lights up. Sometimes I can't stay with her for too long at her nursing home as the sadness for losing her just overwhelms and I don't want her to see this as she would be upset too.
Hugs Jesuslovesyou
I am caring for a younger brother who has 2 tumors under his somach in front. They are starting to bother him more, even though he takes morphine it doesn't seem to help. Thank you for sending information. It is greatly appreciated. Belia
Everyone should be offered a booklet on what to say and do. Also one that explains the different things and reactions to what is happening and what is going to happen. It would have beenn very helpful when my husband was nearing the end.
Everyone of us will one day, leave this world for that Better Place Jesus Assured us Was Prepared for our eventual Arrival . Life Is Not as Predictable as The certainty Death is. When you can accept that dying is Only a continuim of Life ..And Not the End of OUR Soul and Spiritual self, We can begin that Journey with assurance that we will Be together with our Lord and Savior Someday. I do believe every person who is Dying ..Is Not looking to be told "You are going tro get well..you will be Coming home with us soon.... When you are Stronger..etc.. For THEY Know What is Coming..And What they want and need from Those whom they love is the assurance Of their unending love for them, with the Promise WE will Meet again In Heavens` Home God has made for us. AND Don`t try hiding your tears ..or your sadness at the Thought of Parting ..Let them Know how loved they are, and will Always Be. Parting has never been meant to be Anything but sad..when there is Love. Cry together and let no Conversation of concern go unanswered..or ignored. That Listening and Acknowledging..is the Last, most meaningful gift one can give ..to any one who is dying and cognizant enough to know it..
Just knowing that my being with my mother really took a burden off me.
To Glen RN: The best handout you can give is the little blue booklet called "Gone From My Sight". I volunteer at the V.A. hospice, and families tell me that it was the best thing we do for them.
It was helpful to know that they could be in two worlds at the same time and not necessarily because of medication. My twin recently died of Pancratic cancer and toward the end she said, come on sis hurry up, lets go! I did not get to be with her on her very last days as I had come down with the flu/high fever............when I did she was ten minutes already on her way to Heaven!
specific ideas as well as general comments
My mom and I were the only ones (besides Hospice) that was with my dad when he died. My sisters and brother "just couldn't deal with it". As though we could. It was hard. We stayed by dad's side his last 12 hours. We sang, prayed, cried, showed him pictures, told him jokes, and just spent time stroking his arms and head. He was not able to communicate BUT we knew he was listening. This article helped me realize saying good-bye was a healing and peaceful time for me and my mom. Too bad for the missed opportunity my sibs are now feeling.
Hugs dream41495
Great article and very helpful, I am sending it on to several people who now in the process of watching their parents slowly pass...
Lesson #9 - the touch - I did for my mother who was unconscious, and the talk of forgiveness - I did the right thing! Thanks.
I'm a nurse in a small community on the coast with limited access to Behavioral Health professionals and needed some handout for my patient and her dying husband. Thank you
When my mother was dying in the hospital, about 35 family members were there. I have 2 sisters, their spouses, my five kids, spouses and grandchildren and my 5 nieces and nephews, spouses, etc. etc. A nurse came to my sisters and I and said you know, you think she can't hear you. She knows you are all gathered and she doesn't want to leave you. I recommend you each have a private moment with her. Tell her you love her and it is OK to go home to her God. Tell her what she meant to you. Each of us did that. She passed very peacefully within 30 mins. of us talking to her.
Hugs Ambereyz3
Just a note...I remained awake and near my father throughout the night of his impending death, as my siblings either slept or went home to sleep. My mother had gone home and I had promised her I would get her if told his death was very near. When I realised this was happening, I called for the nursing staff (he was in a nursing home), and when they reluctantly concurred, I left to get my Mom. I gave him a quick kiss and left. When I returned with my Mom, he was gone. I have been sorrowful ever since, and angry with myself for not remaining. I had no way of knowing he would go so quickly. Now after some of this research, I understand that he may have waited for me to go...to spare me the last moments and to allow me to get Mom and be there for her. It is a revelation, and has brought me a measure of tearful, but happy peace. best wishes to all. Death is perplexing on so many levels, but the most important thing (I think) is to love yourself and your loved ones through it.
This article was affirming for me. I have always had a good and very close relationship with my mother so maybe it is easier for me in some ways, but I still need affirmation. She can no longer speak or smile and rarely opens her eyes. Because of my work in rehabilitation of head trauma patients I know that hearing remains, as I have had patients "wake up" from comas and tell me some of the things I spoke to them about...amazing and wonderful to know that many of them not only hear, but comprehend and remember!! Of course with dementia it is different. I know she does not remember...so, I tell her every day, " I love you Mom", "I will miss you, but know we will see one another again in heaven!" and "Don't worry about anything...we will take care of each other just the way you've always taken care of us. You have taught us well!" I'm sending my good wishes to all who have read this as you are, no doubt, going through something similar. It's hard to say goodbye, but at times I feel like it's harder to see the lingering and the many losses. Although the finality of death will be difficult I know I will do some rejoicing too that her time of suffering has finally come to an end!
Hugs dream41495
I'm on my way to the hospital to say goobye to my 34 year old friend after a six year battle with cancer. These have helped me immensely. I think I knew all this but to read it and get some reassurance has been a blessing! I will go up and spend the last few hours with Jen knowing that there isn't a right or wrong way to do this. It breaks my heart - tears on my keyboard as I type - but I'm prepared and know that she will soon meet her maker and be at peace. No more suffering. Fly free Jen XXX
Prayers Joy
As a family member is fighting cancer and has been told that hospice care is not far off, I found this article very helpful in how to talk to someone who is actively dying. I understand that we are all dying from the moment we are born but when you know there is a finite end and it is looming on the horizion it becomes difficult to know how to navigate. We are not taught to navigate these unchartered waters. Thanks for the insight.
great articles
My husband died Feb 28, 2010 of lung cancer. It was sudden. Went in hospital and died 6 days later. Had been sick for months but never dreamed he was dying. He was on ventilator most of the time so never was able to talk to him because of that and the sedation he was being given. I have a hard time finding peace from his death because we never talked of death and his dying. I have such guilt over this. I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. What brought this to my attention was my sister's husband is dying and heard they had talked of his dying and it brought all this back to me with all the guilt.
Hi Joy, Thank you so much for your concerns for member seekersusie. It's wonderful to see such compassion for others in the community; it's what's makes Caring.com a wonderful place to visit. Unfortunately, our experts mostly work in the Ask & Answer section, because they are all very busy with the questions that members are asking there. I've directed seekersusie to our Ask & Answer section, and Forums for help and support. Thank you again for your comments! -- Emily
Hi seekersusie, thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I'm so sorry to hear what a difficult situation you and your neighbors are in. If you'd like to post your question in our Ask & Answer section, you may be able to gain more insight from our experts and the community: (http://www.caring.com/ask). You can also share your thoughts and feelings, and get advice from other members in our forums (http://www.caring.com/forums). I hope that helps get you started. Thanks again for your comment -- Emily
No we don't want to interfer with the decision of competent elderly. However, I reside in a continuing care community.. Too often the burden is placed on the closest neighbor while the adult children "assume" we will just do anything that is needed while they continue to stay away. We don't need to take on burdens that are not ours and compromise our own health. Someone needs to find the support they need to stay in their own home.
The examples (possible phrases, actions, comfort) given, were of great help.
Just a thought about the very elderly couple being helped by their neighbor. Dementia occurs in many but not all seniors with the incidence increasing as age goes up. If this individuals are mentally competent, they should be allowed to make their own decisions. One of my great fears is that some well meaning neighbor will decide that someone needs to take care of me because I am deaf and old. Helping is wonderful. But helpers need to be mindful of the fine line between helping and controlling. I don't mean to say that the kind neighbor has crossed this line. I only mean to say that competent adults can and should make their own decisions.
To JM Brueggeman, I assume you mean MRSA, which means methacillin resistent staphylococcus aureus. This is a particularly difficult infection because the bug that causes it is resistant to many antibiotics. But it is sensitive to some, and laboratory testing will show which ones to use. She may be transferred to an acute care hospital for treatment. Some nursing homes have good infection control but some do not. In many places care facilities are required to keep a record of their infection rates.
I have a sister-in-law who is in a nursing home with MS and now just diagnosed with Mersa. Though we aren't sure how this will be treated, with her weakened immune system we feel it could be a rough few weeks. She's been very strong through this disease, stronger than my brother, so I want to be there for her and them as the time gets nearer.
I don't see a way to send seekersuzie a Hug or Prayer. Suzie, know that you are in my prayers AND here comes a big HUG! Hope you catch it. In caring, Joy
Could one of the experts answer the questions for seekersuzie? She is in real need of getting help to that elderly couple. My advise is that her daughter Stand Up, Stand Firm, and become the decision makers. It is so obvious that they are no longer capable to make good decisions. I would also recommend finding a professional Advocate. Try RNPatientAdvocates. I don't know if they are in your state or not. If not, you might find information on other Advocaste services. My prayers go out to you. In caring, Joy
giving me some insight on what they might be thinking at the time and whats important to say.
Wonderful article; thank you so much for writing and sharing your knowingness! I am a long time caregiver...involved with my friends who live right down the hallway; he is 100 yo and she is almost 95yo. They have been married to each other for over 40 years. It is the second marriage for each of them, they are very supportive and lovingly tender with each other except that she gives him a hard time almost constantly...They were friends of each others first mates, both of whom who passed on; those too were long time happy marriages. He has COPD, edema, prostrate cancer, and is the most gently loving man I think I have ever known. He litereally waits on her..She has anxiety attacks and strokes and a penchant for feeling victimized in life. I am a CNA and not currently working except for them, so there is much I do for them, most recently it has been wound care, massage, counseling, mostly with her..and her ongoing yeast infections surfacing once again. She has always been treated for them, for years with antibiotics which doesn't work, so I am encouraging also taking probiotics, and no sugar or salt, to rebalance their immune systems. That line of thinking is foreign to them, they're getting worn down with one infection after another. Yes, they are around 100 yo, but their minds are still sharp; they still ask why, and try to learn new stuff. Pretty amazing people really. . I love them and they me, and they too are poor, so cannot afford to pay me, except the occasional $10 ...but I am on call for them....they have caregivers 5 days a week with no medical training. He fell out of bed last night... he has been experiencing a slowly movin gpain, moving away from his heart, down his right leg. There is also a growing inability to move his right leg; it is so heavy with fluid. They are adament about not returning to the ER....but I called 911 early this am since he couldn't make it to the bathroom; his R leg could'nt support him ..he didn't hurt anything except pride, which he doesn't have much of anyway. So. I am advising them to hire a licensed NAR or CNA to stay overnight...to help with the difficutlies of getting to the bathroom (not far but fraught with dangers)..their family is urging a return to the Rehab they just left after a 2.5 month stay....or assistant living. They speak of their need to stay home. Yet, they need more help than I can give...I am fast burning out. They have 3 daughters...two of which have been in and out helping them the past several months most recently...they do what they can...but need help too. I need support....and am grateful for this website. I learn here, and get some kind of support just by being able to vent, yet always get so much more. Part of my frustration is she seems unable to let go of her emotions..and I see her heading towards another stroke. This last one only happened in December...she was unable to eat or talk for months. She has an agency working for her, but they so far have been unable to send out qualified people for home care; those who have medical training. I tried to be hired but with new protective, fear based laws, they can't hire me because I live down the hall from them. I am unsure how to advise them, since everything represents more frustration...other than what I have already advised. I am thinking I need to get some support here in my community....something beyond what I get here. Still, appreciate this forum, thank you all for listening.
Just knowing that your loved one that is dying can still hear you and knows that you will be ok.It is so hard to let them go,but at least the pain stops
This is so appreciated . This is a time of life when coaching is welcomed and necessary.Through what should be natural and flowing ,becomes unbelievably difficult. It is so hard to be appropriately caring sometimes ,when choosing loving ,comforting,and caring good bye dialogue. Flora M. Lott
I've lived thru the death of a spouse, and so much of this hit home. I did talk to him about his feelings of the impending death, and how I'd feel. I assured him I loved him, and that I and the Children would be OK. He waited till we stepped out of the room and took his last breathe. Only was sick 4 weeks... He's now with God.
Hugs dream41495
To Eyasha. A BIG HUG to you because you deserve it. I am also sending you a beam of bright light and I am sure it will reach you in Oregon. For all you have been through, it feels like you are meeting the challenge. Good for YOU! You talked about a party when you are gone. Have that party right NOW!! Have your girls plan a celebration of memories and let all of your friends tell you how great you are. In caring, Joy
For some reason my comment didn't show up? Anyhow, I will try again to say what I had said before. I was a caregiver to my mom before she passed away in 2000, my dad had passed away in 1993. My mom and I talked all the time, when we could, we talked about anything and everything. Before my mom finally passed away, I was in her bedroom, talking to her like I did all the time I went in there, regardless of whether she could hear me or not, which I truly believe she could. But, I got to tell her that I loved her very much, that I had had a very happy childhood and knew I had loving parents, regardless of what I brat I was growing up, I knew my parents were always there for me! Before she passed, I told her that when she got to the other side, to give dad a big hug and kiss for me and tell him that I love him and that one day we would all be together again, this helped her to let go a little more easier, I think, regardless of how hard it was on me. But, now, even after 11+ years, there is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about both of them and talk to them everyday. I miss them both so very much, and some days are harder then others, but when those really hard days come, I have the memories of the stories we shared and the love I was able to give her before she finally rejoined my dad. It's hard to let go, but sometimes it's for the best, so the person that is going, can go much easier then if you hang on...
Hugs Joy
The article is very practical and it allows us to see that we already have been saying goodbye to our Alzheimer's affected loved ones. The more we know about these processes, the better we can avoid becoming impatient and acting in ways that we will later regret.
I believe that grief is a human condition. We lose a beloved parent or child, and there is always a bit of grief for them, no matter how long they have been gone. You grieve for your own life...how when you were young and vibrant and now, as with me, are in a wheelchair and lonely at 58. I was a Hospice volunteer/bearevment counselor in the Redmond, Sister, Bend, OR. I really learned about grieving, and how to let it go when I saw so many suffering. When I lose a friend (and like an elderly person, being sober 28 years, I have lost as many people in the prime of their lives to alcoholism), I put them on a star. I love taking pics, so I go around as long as I have to to find something that "Is" that person to me, in my beautiful surroundings. I pray and thank God constantly that they were even in my life to begin with. I grieve for what I may not see, due to MS...grandchildren, my two girls are 30 and 26...I MEAN ...C'MON NOW...being a classical pianist, and losing my ability, how pretty I was. But, with all that said....I embrace my life now, for i do now know how to grieve, and to accept it as part of my life. I grieve for the Japanese and the Lybians. I grieve that our world is so shattered. I celebrate last night's moon. Everything has a perspective and a sacred message to me, if I am paying attention. When I die, the kids promised to have a "party" (no booze) with all my favorite music going strong....from Baroque to Rock and Roll. Accept grief, and you will find joy. What gives light, must endure the burning.
Prayers Joy
I held my husband in my arms and told him how much I loved him forever. He was able to say he loved me too. Months before his death, he was so worried about leaving me. I wished I had told him not to worry about me, I would be fine. Even though he was in great pain from cancer, and I know he is no longer in pain, I just don't feel any peace with his passing. I think once I feel that peace, I can start to move forward.
Starfire - I truly do believe that they hear us. I know that was true with my husband. I talked to him quite a bit and I know he was listening. Sometimes I even saw him looking at his Angels in the room. Do I believe in that? Yes, because I could actualy feel an energy change. Even hafter he has passed I still talk to him, remembering the good times. We never will know for sure on this earth, but we can still believe.
My brother passed away 11/2/2010 from cancer i cry every day. I am heart broken. Did my brother hear me tell him i love him and i was so very proud of himas a brother. I think you helped a little ... but i am still so lost..
Thank you for sharing these. A family member is in a great deal of denial about my Dad nearing death. She has bullied me almost at times to the point where I feel like I am grieving "incorrectly." Your articles have helped me to feel more peace & realize that she is the bully & needs help, not me.
Hugs beatbreastcancer
Been through it recently and every point you made is so true. Thank you.
My mom is nearing end stage aortic stenosis and I wanted some insight.
great article!
My Mom said a few days before she died that my Dad ( who had died several years earlier ) had come for her in a white car .. and she wanted to go with him, but he said she wasn't quite ready .. but he would be back. Also, one night she got up and shut off her oxygen , pulled the quilt off her bed, drug it down the hall and said her Mother was just there and went to the living room to wait for her and said her feet were cold. It was bone chilling ... she had emphezema and osteoporis really bad. I still miss her alot ! I was there holding her hand when she died -- but even knowing how sick she was... ( and on Hospice ) I wasn't ready that moment .. I even was happy she seemed to be breathing easier ... then when I noticed she stopped .. My heart stopped as well... still holding her hand... even though I was the parent the last 10 years ... I wasn't ready.
I just recently released my husband to God. Many of the items you mentioned, we used, plus many more. He could not speak, but his eyes told me I was on the right track with "our" discussions. He spoke to me with his eyes.
Hugs Lark
Yes, words left unsaid is the biggest regret. When my father was about two months away from dying, he was sitting on the sofa and I was kneeling beside him--he told me that he had been a burden to me, and delayed my life, I replied no, but was overcome with emotion and did not continue the conversation--it was a very close moment, and I never had such a direct talk with him--but I cut it short--he was hospitalized subsequently, for two months, and in the end was not able to speak due to yeast infection and thrush, and I never had the chance to speak with him again--since the doctors wanted to amputate him, we decided to let him go, and gave him morphine--when he died, my mother, my sister and I stayed up all night by his side, but he did not die, in the morning, my sister and I, stupidly, went to buy breakfast and drop off a car for servicing, and that was when he died--only my mother was present. I still kick myself over that, 12 years later. The day before my mother had her stroke, she said to me, "if you want me to live, I will live, if you want me to die, I will die". I told her of course I wanted her to live, but she did not believe me, and I pointed out to her that if I did not want her to live, why would I have ordered her a new bed, bought new slippers and underwear for her. She was not convinced, and I did not prolong the conversation. The next day she had a stroke, and although I took her to the Emergency Room right away, I failed to move her to another hospital were the Emergency Room doctor said had a cathether based technique to apply tPa to the blood clot--I still don't know how or why I didn't do so. She died 4 months later, and I never had the chance to really talk to her. The night before she died, she asked me to bring her home from the hospital, I said how could I do that when you are paralyzed and cannot even walk up the stairway--she said, "then carry me on your back". I did not respond--I wanted to bring her home, but had not found a way to take her up the stairs--but her suggestion was good. The next day, she died. So, we should not wait to have heart-to-heart talks--even though the emotions are overwhelming, when there is a close moment, we should say what is in our hearts, because the chance may not be there again.
Hugs Tersiab
If I ever go through this again, I'm better prepared. There are things I wished I'd done or said, but what's done is done, and I just need to move on.
my mother has alzheimers and we have just had hospice start coming out and she is not eating much and does not talk. She also has a lot of trouble walking and getting around so I think she is getting close to the end and was very glad to read this article and want to make these last times pleasant and easier for her because she has suffered enough with this disease. Thank you for your suggestions
On the day that we finally decided to take my mom off the respirator after almost a year of hospitalization, I didn't tell her that we were going to do that. I continually regret not having told her what "the plan" was. But I was with her for many many days / evenings before that holding her hand, washing her hair, talking to her, praying with her. I hope she forgives me.
The suggestions are very helpful. Now I know how to respond to my mother when the time comes. Thank You.
All of it and I think I'll try to get my brother to read it.
It's been almost four years since my dad died, but I remember the few last weeks of his life. Just the two of us were there one day, and mom was with the 3 other sisters. Dad and I always had great talks through out his life. When we were alone he told me that he didn't know how much more of the chemo he could take and asked what I thought. I was his primary power of attorney for health care. I told him it wasn't up to me, and that it was his decisions and that I would support whatever he wanted to do. Then I went on to tell him that he had already endured much more than I would before saying no more. I shared that there's no right or wrong answer, it's want you want to go through as part of end of life care. He also worried about becoming addicted to pain meds because you here all those stories. I told him I didn't think he needed to worry about that at this point, he shouldn't suffer from pain. We agreed that when mom and the other girls returned, he would be going to the hospital. There they told him they could perform another surgery and he might live ~ two weeks beyond the ~ two week period if he did nothing. When he had his first colon surgery, he was in the hospital for more than two weeks, and he didn't want to live the extra two weeks if it was just going to be full of pain. He decided he was finished with all of his cancer treatments. Some sisters thought he gave up and should have tried harder - How could they say that, it's his life. The day we spent alone together we talked about how much we loved each other (we always got out "I love yous" every night when we were kids). We went through some pictures, laughed, cried some, I told him I thought he was a wonderful dad and that I couldn't have asked for a better dad. Through out the next couple of weeks, we always had a lot of laughter (mixed with tears). We truly enjoyed each others company. I still miss him everyday, but I don't have ay regrets, a couple times I asked him if he could put a couple good words in with the man upstairs about me. Some of those conversations were just so heart felt and meaningful to me - I'll never forget them. I think suggestions I've read on this site are excellent - it's just that most of us aren't comfortable with talking about death when it will be happening to a loved one any day. Hope this makes sense and it' not just babbling. I loved my dad so much and I wish he would not have been sick and die, but I choose not to get stuck on that part. Blessings to all!
Hugs LindaSue
I am so thankful for this article. It validated the last moments I shared with my mother. I was second guessing everything that happened in that hospital room and now I know I did the right thing. Even though she kept going in and out of consciousness, I spoke to her about family and friends. I held her hands, did her nails and even pretended to be doing a shampoo and set on her so she could feel like it was a "normal" day. In our last moments together, I asked her who I was to make sure she knew and she answered correctly (something that had not been occuring often). I asked her again to make sure. I then held her hand and looked into her eyes and said "I love you". She said "I love you" back. I then said "thank you". She said it back. I kissed her forehead and that was our goodbye. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Hugs mswolfedog, LindaSue
I'm so glad to have read this article. My mom is 82 with Alzheimer's and many physical problems. Because of the Alzheimer's, I feel like I need to start saying goodbye now, because her self is slowly slipping away, a long mental death that's preceding her physical death. I'll be sure and use what I've learned here to let her know everything I feel about her before her self is gone. Thank you so much!
Hugs LindaSue, Axman424
Our mother died last spring at the age of 89. It was certainly a sad time, but also a time for my 6 siblings and me to celebrate her life with her and our father, her spouse of almost 70 years. I am so grateful for the suggestions posted on this site. They lead me to believe that Mom was emotionally well cared for in her last moments.