Assisted Living - Did I make the right choice to move my dad from his community?
My father is 83, suffers from mild to moderate dementia and until recently lived alone. He lived in a small town about 3hrs away where neighbors really try to take care of one another. He reached a place in his life where assistance (more so structured oversight) is needed - he struggled with memory loss for the past two years (hospitalized 3 times last year for dehydration) and memory loss accelerated over the past two months. His doctor, pastor, neighbors and I encouraged him to take measures (home health care, in home assistance) to ensure better health, but he refused. He also refused living with me.
He wants to be at home (who doesn't). The neighbors provided food daily, but he eats very little (lost 10lbs in just past two months) when alone. At one point he had a minor accident and the doctor told him not to drive - of course he refused to comply.
Even though distance would still be difficult for me, I thought assisted living in his community would be ideal. However, when we visited he said he "it's nice, but not for me"
His doctor and he informed me my dad was to the point where he COULD NOT live alone and that something had to be done. During a visit with my dad (and his neighbors), he agreed to come to Houston (where I live) - something in my "go!" and so I did. We packed up essesntials and came to Houston. He was agreeable until we arrived at my house and then he started with "I want to go home" - the one thing I have learned is that reasoning doesn't seem to be effective! Needless to say it was a VERY long weekend. On Monday, he was agreeable to going to an assisted living facility minutes from my house. He went in wilingly, met with staff, agreed to stay and then later started again with "I want to go home"
It has only been one week and I realize it will take much longer to adjust, but now the doubt has set in...he is literally begging me (on the phone - I have not seen him since Monday) to take him home where his neighbors can take care of him. When I remind him that he cannot be at home alone, he says he will go to assisted living there.
I'm sure I've made every rookie mistake possible, but I've done my best. Would adjustment be any different in his own community? My gut tells me no, but I am so close to the situation it's difficult to be objective. Thanks in advance.
Expert Answer
Anytime we difficult decisions regarding the care of our loved ones it is natural to think, "Did I make the right choice?" Being a contractor, I am not qualified to answer that question. I would recommend following the suggestions in the answer above and conferring with the neighbors who have been so generously helping your father. I would like to suggest a tool that would be very helpful in keeping tabs on your father in any living arrangement where he might be. It is an electronic remote activity monitoring system. The system I use is available at (http://www.simply-home.com) but there are several others that perform similar functions. All of these systems work in essentially the same way. The system will send you, another family member, or a caregiver an alert if certain activity or inactivity occurs. For example, you would get an email, text message or phone call if he was not out of bed by a certain time, or if he gets out of bed in the middle of the night and doesn't return for a specified period of time. There is even a medication dispenser which you load with his medicines and then it opens each compartment at the proper time. If the medication is not taken, you can get an alert. There is a GPS watch will allow you to pinpoint his location if he wanders. Click on the link above for more information on Simply Home. Once again I am not sure if this is the right choice for your father, but I am a firm believer in people having as many options as possible when facing these difficult decisions. I wish you and your father the best.