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Initiating a dialogue about senior driving concerns
- If you have concerns about an older adult's ability to drive, addressing them promptly could be a matter of life and death. It may be tempting to procrastinate -- to talk to him next week or before the first snowfall, for example -- but think how you'd feel if the delay led to an automobile accident that resulted in a serious injury or death.
- Considering the possible consequences should help you overcome your hesitation -- but that doesn't mean it will be easy. It's awkward and painful to have to inform older adults that they aren't capable of doing something as basic and essential as driving the car. For them, it's another humiliating reminder of their growing inability to take care of themselves and manage the tasks of daily life.
- As difficult as it is, if you have reason to believe that the person in your care could be dangerous behind the wheel, it's important to deal with the issue sooner rather than later -- because later could be too late.
The idea of giving up driving yourself is a good one. I did this (although certainly not of my own choice), I started having seizures every months, so I was not allow to legally drive for 6 months after each one. It does give you a lot more empathy for your parent. But the difference in my case was that I had the self discipline to NOT drive. My mother on the other hand, called AAA to get her car started (it had been sitting for 6 months while she recovered from an operation), and now she drives at least once EVERY day whether she needs to or not. " I needed some toothpaste," "I wanted to get a card for"......
So, let's take this a step further. We have the talk with our parent and they refuse. Ironically, my dad, had this same situation with his mother and he and his sister ended up hiding the keys and then selling my grandmother's car. She was livid for quite some time. I see my dad repeating the same demeanor. A logical conversation is nice and was much easier a few years ago when I broached the subject of assisted living or moving closer. Now that he's closer, and older, he is even more defensive about maintaining the independence associated with driving. Either way, this is going to be a big hurdle to overcome for both of us and it is important for me for him to feel that this is his decision. The sad thing is when the disease grabs hold of his mind in those late-night sleepless hours he'll become angry and defensive. I can take that, it's just seeing him suffer that's the hard part.
Your process takes way too long. If the only person in danger was the senior, fine. But, when the senior is endangering other people on the road and on the side of the road, all this letting it rest and coming back to it is unacceptable. We need to be blunt and straight forward in this instance. The senior's feeling is but a splinter compared to the plank of the death of a family, or a sixteen-year-old son, or a group of school children on the side of the road waiting for a school bus. Also, there comes a time when age is the cutoff no matter what. No 90 year old should be driving, just as no 70 year old should be a commercial pilot.
How do you deal with a 83 year old father that is failing in abilities and vision but still wants to keep and drive his 40 foot motor home. He may use it once or twice a year and has limited ability to even hook everything upon arrival.
I always expected that when I had to talk to my father or mother about stopping driving that it would necessarily be one unpleasant confrontation. This article explained how the conversation can be conducted over time and provided topics for discussion. Very helpful!!
I found the advice to be warm and supportive as well as helpful. I hope lots more families read this as it would minimize much angst and anger!!