When is it expected for a living spouse to be come social again?

Jhb71843 asked...

When can a surviving spouse expect to become social again?

Expert Answer

Martha Clark Scala has been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1992, with offices in Palo Alto and San Francisco, California. She regularly writes about grief and loss, the necessity of self-care, and substance abuse. Her e-newsletter, "Out on a Limb," is available to subscribers through her website.

Grief is so unique that it would be unfair and impossible to suggest a one-size-fits-all answer to your question.

And many variables play into a living spouse’s readiness to interact socially. For example, if the living spouse is still working or has a regular stint as a volunteer, he or she may feel compelled to get back to those responsibilities sooner rather than later.

And there also appear to be some differences between introverted versus extraverted widows and widowers. The more introverted you are—that is, if you recharge your battery more by being alone than being with others—the more likely you will take longer to feel ready for social engagements. However, even the most extraverted people can become more introverted during the early stages of grief. This is normal. It takes a while to process all that you have been through in losing a spouse.

The important thing to watch for, however, is whether you are choosing to be alone as a form of isolation. Extensive isolation can actually worsen the grieving process. Eventually, it is helpful to share your grieving thoughts and feelings with others. It is also helpful to get outside of your own thoughts, re-engage with others, and even have some fun.

If you insist on a benchmark, you might note that many people feel up to more social activities six months after the death of a spouse. But that doesn’t mean you are weird if you’re ready at two months, or need as long as a year or more.