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Mom has dementia and memories, pictures and phone calls from friends disorient her. Should we keep these from her?

A fellow caregiver asked...

My mother has had to leave her home in PA and move in with me and My husband in WI. She has dementia, and doesn't remember that she asked us to sell her things and her house, which was recently accomplished after much trouble. Now friends and family are sending her pictures of her house and the things she used to own in the house. It seems to upset her, as when she sees them she begins to shake and she goes into a "different" mind. How do we handle this? Do we keep the letters that mention the pictures and the pictures from her? Or do we let her see them? It seems to take her almost a week to recover her balance from seeing them or speaking to her friends from PA. Her unbalanced state includes beligerance about wanting to go back to her home, and contentiousness until she recovers. Then it happens all over again in another couple of weeks when someone contacts her or sends her something again.

Expert Answer

Brenda Avadian, brings knowledge, hope, and joy to family caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia. She cared for her father with Alzheimer's and helps families one-on-one and in groups. She is the author of eight books, including the pioneering memoir "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's and the Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's series. She presents vivid, compelling, and funny keynotes to both professional and family caregiving audiences.

As dementia makes it more difficult for your mother to remember, she will get confused from old memories of her home.

When dealing with challenges like this, I often put myself in the other person's shoes.

Try to feel what it's like not to remember recent decisions.

Let's say neighbors from your childhood began sending you pictures from your childhood--your precious toys that filled you with JOY and comfort. What if a friend or neighbor sent you a picture of your precious Teddy Bear? You know the one. The one that gave you comfort during all those scary nights. What became of him?

Imagine how you'd feel; and you still have cognitive capacity.

You have three options.

  1. As Dr. Volicer advises, help your mother's friends understand what their gifts of remembrances are doing to your mom. Whereas, they may mean well, they may have no idea that they are actually hurting her.

  2. If this approach does not work, you'll need to screen your mother's mail.

  3. Your other option is to wait until her dementia progresses more and she reaches the point of not even recognizing these photos.

However, realize that your mother will suffer until dementia progresses. Until then, it's best that you screen your mother's mail if her friends and neighbors can't appreciate the effect they're having on her.