I retired almost a year ago and my mother immediately moved...
I retired almost a year ago and my mother immediately moved from an independent living facility (which she hated) into my home. I have taken her to Sr. Centers, community centers, church, I have suggested day-trips, but I am her sole entertainment, support, and conversationalist.
Due to a severe fall, I had to move her from across the country to my area as she can't live alone although she thinks she can. At the time of her move, her trusted physician told her to be sure to have contact with people her own age, but now my mother says she doesn't enjoy "those old people" or have any interest in them. She is almost 89 and my father passed away four years ago at 88. She lived alone until her own injury which included a lengthy recovery.
My mother enjoys sitting and talking with me, watching tv, or reading the newspaper. I am an only child and have no support system for myself or for her. I have politely (and assertively) encouraged her get outside activities and have even taken/gone with her to do so. I have even explained that I would like some time alone which she thinks is odd and claims she just wasn't raised that way. However, she did not want her mother to live on her property in separate housing. She would be insulted if I took her to respite care or to adult foster care and she doesn't really need that level of care. She can really get stubborn at times and will push my guilt buttons as well.
I have compassion for my mother and know it would be very difficult to be out of your own home and dependent on your adult child. She says she is living a day at a time and I think getting around others would help. I feel very blessed that my mother is still living and is as sharp as she is. But, I still would love to have some time alone in my home. So, my question: Can anyone suggest how I get some time alone in my home with my mother doing an activity she enjoys?
Expert Answer
First, your mother must have done many things right to have raised as wonderful a person as you have been. You have been incredibly loyal, caring and responsible. Though you have bent over backwards to be helpful to her, you have gently suggested limits for your mom, which would allow you to have some life of your own and replenish your energy. Without such limits, it will not likely be possible for you to continue this arrangement and be the son or daughter you want to be. Ultimately your fatigue will make you less patient, more irritable and unhappy. This will inevitably be reflected in your relationship with your mother and will not serve either of you well. Furthermore, it is not healthy for your mother to be reliant on a single caretaker. As her physician recommended, maintaining social networks is very important for her. Continuing interaction with such networks helps to avoid or slow the course of dementia, and is likely to improve her mood and help give her life a sense of meaning. Perhaps in her case, she would prefer volunteering her time at an organization such as the Humane Society, a homeless shelter, a church interest group, or for a political candidate rather than spending her time at a senior center. What is important for you both is that she find something social she does on a regular basis independent of you.
You have tried a gentle approach to persuade your mother to have some life of her own, but she has not been willing to comply. I am afraid you now need to take a tougher stance. I would suggest you use her trusted physician as your ally. I would make clear to your mother that you want to do what you think is in her best interest (as well as your own), and her physician made it clear she needs more contact with other people. You then need to make it happen. If she continues to resist, at some point you may need to make it clear if she is going to stay with you, she must follow her doctor’s advice. For both you and your mother, you must be clear and firm. If she is unable to give you the room you need to live your life, it may be in both your interests for her to live independent from you. It sounds like it will be very difficult for you to draw such a firm line in the sand, and of course no choice comes without risk. As you sort through the advantages and disadvantages of taking a stronger stand, I would strongly encourage you to meet with a mental health professional. Such a person could provide some help in sorting out the feelings you are struggling with and as they get to know you better, can give you advice more specific to your own situation.