How can I reasure my mother that it's ok to pass away with our her getting offended?

Kim.elliott27 asked...

This question is regarding assuring a loved one that it's okay to pass away. I have read on this website and already knew that the standard way is to lovingly tell them that I'll be okay and they don't need to struggle anymore. Unfortunately, my mother has lead her life in a very guilt-provoking and manipulative way. Therefore, when I express this thought, she chooses to be offended and respond with "oh, you want me to die, eh?". She is 91 with moderate COPD, hypertension, hypothyroidism, two hip replacements, a fracture of the L-5 vertebra (extremely painful) and most recently she can't empty her bladder without the use of a catheter. She is scheduled for a cystoscopy on 7/1/11. With every fall or set-back, she always recovers quickly. I certainly know she has the right to live as long as she can but her quality of life is drastically diminished. As for me, since her first hip replacement in 3/09, I've gone from her part-time caregiver to 24/7. I became unemployed in 12/10 and we share a one-bedroom apartment wherein I sleep in the living room. What's worse is it's in the same building that I believe she developed COPD due to smoking in the apartments and I'm afraid I'm going to develop it. Because I'm unemployed and her caregiver, I can't look for work and therefore could get into legal issues if found out. I absolutely do not have any inkling of a life of my own. I am lucky if I get out to the grocery store and have to rush back. We have very little money between unemployment and social security, therefore cannot afford any caregivers to supplement my care. I am seriously at the end of my rope. I feel like she's just going to keep bouncing back and I'll be stuck here forever.

Expert Answer

Audrey Wuerl, RN, BSN, PHN, is education coordinator for Hospice of San Joaquin in California. She is also a geriatric trainer for the End-of-Life Nursing Education Consortium (ELNEC), which promotes education in geriatric nursing and end-of-life care.

Caring for a loved one can be overwhelming"”especially when there seems to be no relief from the day-in, day-out role of providing for another person. But, let's stand back and analyze what we can do to help.

The first thing that comes to mind is if your resources are limited, your mother (and you) could qualify for Medicaid. This is the government program that provides resources for low-income individuals. Because you state your mother has many medical conditions, and is scheduled for a cystocopy, she may already have Medicaid. If so, find out what in-home resources regarding care giving are available for her. If she does not, contact the social services in your county regarding assistance in receiving Medicaid.

You could try to have your church or other social groups you or your mother are acquainted with, provide some "respite" care for you. Respite is all about the caregiver, and helps by providing some relief from day-to-day care giving responsibilities. This could be very helpful for your mother as well, as she would have some socialization. And, while you now express feeling "trapped", nothing is forever. Enjoy your mother as long as you can.