Is it normal for retirees to be negative?
My parents live in a WONDERFUL retirement facility. We are so lucky! Fantastic staff, great food, etc. Compared to most of the residents, they are very high-functioning, independent, and socially apt. They give a lot.
However, now meals have become socially tiring and stressful - they can't avoid (won't snub) people who want to sit with them but they are depressive, repetitive, negative, and without social skills. My folks are avoiding meals and choosing to cook for themselves - one of the reasons they moved was so they wouldn't have to do that. Staff are sympathetic, but we can't come up with a new way to do things that will help, and my parents choose not to take trays to their own apartment because it's hard to explain socially. Is this sort of issue common in retirement facilities? Any suggestions?
Expert Answer
Negative attitudes are common. Many elders feel social stress in the dining room of retirement communities. Complaining about other people is often a defense mechanism.
One way is to encourage them to reach out to people they like outside the dining room. Then it is nice to make a date to have dinner together. This could be with another couple or with one or two single friends. Your parents are used to being together. It is easier to cook than to reach out and make friends with other people.
Another way is to often go to meals with your parents. Create a convivial sense of genuine curiosity or interest about other people at the table. Sometimes older people are looking down. They seem to be focusing on their food. When asked a question, the person looks up with relief. Often, you will have to ask questions several times. The key is to make the conversation ordinary and keep in in the present moment. "Do you like the rosemary on this chicken?" Have you ever seen the chef? I've heard that he wears a white hat. I love these flowers! Do you know what they are? What is your favorite flower? This chocolate pie is good. Do you make pie crust? I buy mine frozen.
Simple questions can grow into more general and interesting discussions on happenings in the news. When I eat lunch with elders, I try to read the headlines in the paper and scan the metro section, looking for something interesting or funny or even weird.
Good conversation will soon drive away the undesirables; there is even a chance that some of them will transform into more interesting people. And you parents will eventually begin to shine as leaders of the dining society.