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  5. Overcoming grief

How do we help my brother overcome his grief?

A fellow caregiver asked...

Brother 1 was in a coma for 25 years (drunk driver hit him). Brother 2 has been caring for him for all of that time at home. Brother 1 has passed away two or three months ago. They were living on brother 1's disability money. Brother 2 said he wanted to paint the house but hasn't touched it and is starting to drink. Is he depressed? He should find a job but doesn't know where to start or what he wants to "be." He is a trained nurse (from taking care of his brother) but doesn't want to do anything in that field. What steps should this family do to get brother 2 on with his life?

Expert Answer

Martha Clark Scala has been a psychotherapist in private practice since 1992, with offices in Palo Alto and San Francisco, California. She regularly writes about grief and loss, the necessity of self-care, and substance abuse. Her e-newsletter, "Out on a Limb," is available to subscribers through her website.

Many grieving individuals turn to substances such as alcohol or prescription painkillers to dull their emotional pain. Unfortunately, this "medicine" can become a bigger problem than the grief itself.

As for what steps the family could take to help Brother 2 get on with his life, there isn't that much that you can do unless you have his willingness to hear and heed your counsel.

Should Brother 2's drinking become problematic, the family has the option of arranging family counseling sessions to address the issue and its impact on the family. Or if his drinking is really serious, a family intervention may be necessary. Alcoholics Anonymous is an excellent program available in virtually every community. Besides the number of people who've used this route to address their drinking, another selling point for this approach is that it is free.

Since it has only been a short time since Brother 1's death, it isn't surprising that Brother 2 would be having difficulty shifting gears to engage in career exploration. It seems important to honor his clarity about not wanting to do nursing while at the same time, helping him see the necessity of finding a new life purpose.

Just know that many folks in the grieving process go through a real period of floundering, and it can last much longer than a few months. My bias, however, is that the duration of this could be drastically shortened by grief counseling.