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What should I do when my mother with dementia is looking for something she doesn't even own?

Phylburral asked...

My mother who has dementia, gets worked up and starts looking for things she don't have/ Like the other night she kept looking through her blankets for a blue raincoat because her watch was in it, she has never had a raincoat that I remember and the last watch she had was about 40 years ago and she could not wear it..so what do we do??

Expert Answer

Brenda Avadian, brings knowledge, hope, and joy to family caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia. She cared for her father with Alzheimer's and helps families one-on-one and in groups. She is the author of eight books, including the pioneering memoir "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's and the Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's series. She presents vivid, compelling, and funny keynotes to both professional and family caregiving audiences.

Oftentimes, people with dementia will vividly recall something from years ago. Such may be the case with your mother's raincoat and watch.

Also, as the damage of dementia marches on and wrecks havoc on your mother's memory, she may believe she has something (maybe something she saw on television or while paging through magazine) and have an urgent need to find it.

Regardless of the reality as you see it, searching for these items is your mother's reality.

Given what you've shared, you may want to consider either of two options"”

One, deflect her concern by inviting her to share or by sharing your own memories of the lost (or a related) item.

For example, ask her what she's looking for and when she tells you, help her to look while inviting her to share memories of that blue raincoat or what she liked best about her watch. Or share you own memories of the first watch you wore. "Mom, I'll help you find your watch because I know how important this is to you. I remember my first watch..." This approach may deflect her concern knowing you're helping her as you both reminisce about these or related items.

Two, a more difficult option for caregivers is to engage in therapeutic lying.

Depending on your and your mother's habits, you might say something like: "Mom, you may have forgotten because now I realize how long ago it was, but you agreed to let me take it to the cleaners before the rainy season started. I'm sorry; I keep forgetting it at home."

Or

"Mom, I'm sorry you think it is here. You let me borrow it after it started raining when I visited you earlier. Besides, I like your raincoat so much I hoped I could keep it."

Depending on her sense of humor, you can smile sheepishly with a naughty child wink.

As for Mom's watch: Didn't Mom need a new battery or a new watchband?

The idea with these two approaches is to comfort her by assuring her you will help her, that you have favorable memories of these (or related items), or that her items are safe in your (or even another family member's) possession. This way, you affirm her view of reality. If her memory on specific items is short term, you can assure her you'll return the items--a good excuse to visit her sooner.

Oftentimes, once our loved ones know their possessions are safe, they will let go of their concerns and move onto something else. But keep these two options in mind as you help her achieve peace of mind.