My husband is being placed in a home. He has anger issues. Should I visit him?

5 answers | Last updated: Sep 14, 2017
A fellow caregiver asked...

My husband will be placed in a home. He wanders and has anger problems. The hospital is sedating him for the new move. He is nasty to me. Should I continue in seeing him at the home. The hospital already told me not to come because it triggers him to want to go home. Joy-wife

Expert Answers

Brenda Avadian, brings knowledge, hope, and joy to family caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia. She cared for her father with Alzheimer's and helps families one-on-one and in groups. She is the author of eight books, including the pioneering memoir "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's and the Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's series. She presents vivid, compelling, and funny keynotes to both professional and family caregiving audiences.

Despite your husband's anger issues, you should visit him IF that's what YOU wish to do.

You don't mention if his issues are a result of dementia or other illness. Those closest to us often lash out at us when they're afraid or feel helpless.

I hope the staff's suggestion "not to come" is for the immediate term and not long term. Again, he is your husband and if you miss him (despite his nastiness) and want to visit, do so; just not right away.

Once a two or three weeks pass, visit him. If the visit upsets you too much or him, decide then what you feel comfortable doing. If you have children see if they can visit him instead.

Those who have regular visitors often receive better quality care.

Community Answers

Monica heltemes answered...

Transitions are always difficult for individuals with dementia. For your husband, this might be exacerbated by his history of anger issues. As Brenda suggested, waiting a few weeks to visit in person might be helpful for him to settle in to his new environment and routine. In the meantime, you could still call in to get an update of how he is doing. You might also provide the staff with some background information about your husband, such as what type of work he did, what hobbies he enjoys (or used to enjoy), and what some of his favorites things are. This will help staff to forge connections with him. Perhaps your husband will have less anger issues once he is in the very structured and routine environment. Best of luck to you both.

Juldenile answered...

It depends on the cause of the anger. If your husband has been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's, at any stage, and his mood disturbances are associated with psychological / neurological deterioration, then I would suggest that you continue to visit him as long as you are able. If, however, your husband is mentally healthy and his anger issues have been a problem for a good portion of your marriage, I would suggest not visiting him if he has grown accustomed to emotionally abusing you.

Ca-claire answered...

I agree with Brenda Avadian. Letting him get settled into the new environment, which I assume is a facility equipped for those that tend to wander, then plan a short visit. Hopefully within a couple weeks, his anger may have settled down. When you go visit him for the first time, I would suggest asking the Social Worker for the facility being with you and 'facilitating' the first visit. This may help both you and your husband to have a productive first visit, and will also ensure your physical safety. It may also deflect some of his anger issues by having a 'stranger' present. I know this is difficult, but take heart, you are doing what is proper care for your husband. Hugs to you.

Daizie answered...

My Mom has dementia and as Brenda said; it is up to you. If you feel his abuse, anger is too much to bear; then you can decide to limit your visits or not go at all. Mom is fine and participates and then she sees me and walla a different person that DEMANDS to go home NOW. I dread leaving because of her actions. You'll be sorry, I'll never forgive you, I hate you etc. I have a mental therapist and it is a great idea to get a professional that understands dementia to work with you. It's very hard to hear someone you love act like that.