How can I get my husband with dementia realize that he can no longer make the same commitments he used to?

Deel asked...

Memory loss progression is just very difficult for me, the caregiver! It is so difficult to tell my husband that he should not make commitments with some folks he used to volunteer for because I believe he was not doing a good job, that he should no longer play in the tennis league he belonged to because he was just not playing good, lots of mistakes, and hard for his partner (playing double) and...I did not like that he'll be told he can't play or volunteer anymore, which will be a real heartbreak for him! What can I do, what is the best way to tell him what I know, that he is not really contributing anymore to the fun of tennis and his volunteer work? I need suggestions from anyone. Thanks. ~ deel

Expert Answer

Jytte Lokvig, PhD, coaches families and professional caregivers and designs life-enrichment programs and activities for patients with Alzheimer's disease and related dementia. Her workshops and seminars help caregivers and families create a healthy environment based on dignity and humor. She is the author of Alzheimer's A to Z: A Quick-Reference Guide.

Keeping fit slows the progression of Alzheimer's and dementia. You might be able to get your husband involved in a different activity that will satisfy his needs. If tennis is your husband's only passion, try to talk to his partner about a different way of keeping him involved in the game. Aside from the physical aspects of the game, most likely the socializing is equally important to him. Ask his tennis buddies for suggestions. Talk to them. This should not only be on your shoulders.

It's important for you to be your husband's strongest ally and best friend. As much as possible you want others to be the bearers of the bad news. It will help both of you in the long run. If you get no support from his tennis partners, you might ask his doctor to recommend to him that he try a different exercise.

People in the earlier stages of dementia still have many abilities that they can share with others. Maybe your husband can be involved in a less demanding aspect of his current volunteer work or you might find a different organization that can use his help. It will help both of you for him to stay involved with the community at large. We all need purpose in our lives and that doesn't change with dementia. Your husband's demeanor will tell you when he's overwhelmed, so you can help him make changes.