How do we deal with Mom's emotions and denial about her new living arrangements?
My mother-in-law went from hospital to rehab center to nursing care recently. Prior to this my husband & I struggled to try to convince her that she was no longer safe living alone. She had to stop driving, wasn't managing her medications, housekeeping or nutrition any longer. We had hoped she would be eligible for assisted living & hoped to move her to our state, but her cognitive issues & strength are such that she isn't eligible for assisted living. She struggles with coming to terms with her new reality & regularly argues with my husband that she wants to move home, despite the fact that her limited equity co-op is being sold in order to get this only asset paid down so that she qualifies for Medicaid. We have an elder care attorney, he has durable power of attorney & health care proxy and has worked with the professionals at her center and her, to help her with this transition. But, she goes back and forth in understanding all of this. Soon the co-op will be sold and we now have to contend with decisions about all her belongings. I am very anxious about discussing this with her and wonder how best to deal with this. We can store her very personal mementos, jewelry and some other things, but we probably have to get rid of most of her stuff. Any advice on how we should communicate with her about this? Should we avoid discussing this with her in any great detail? We appreciate your advice.
Expert Answer
It's a tall order to cope with Alzheimer's, your parent's emotions and moving. In communicating with your mom, realize that your feeling guilty may cause you to need to justify and explain what you're doing. It isn't necessary to give your mom with Alzheimer's too much information. It will not make her feel better to justify and explain a lot to her. Her ability to take in and process some of the information is likely to be limited. Your focus needs to be on getting mom into a safe environment. You need to get emotional support for yourself from a trained professional who understands the challenge of families dealing with Alzheimer's disease.
Make the decisions you feel are best for your mom about her belongings. If you can keep a few of her favorite items in view, wherever she is, it may be useful. If she does ultimately qualify for Medicaid and you need to place her in a memory care facility, don't bring valuables with her. They have a way of disappearing in any facility. Other treasured things, photos, or mementos of family are safe and may help her for a time to keep track of her loved ones.
As a general rule, when communicating with any person with Alzheimer's, keep it simple and concrete. Don't provide too much information,as it is likely to be overwhelming and can become stressful as she tries to take in more than her capacity allows.