How can I get my mother to talk about end of life planning?

A fellow caregiver asked...

I am one of five living children and I am the primary caregiver for my  mother, but she is hard to live with. She's somewhat independent, headstrong, and mean at times. I try to appease her, to make her happy, but she never wants to talk about the end of life. I have not been able to get her to sign a power of  attorney, living will, or anything. How do I approach her without making her angry? My brothers are out of town, and my sister is hard to reach. I am married and it's weighing on the family.

Expert Answer

Barbara Repa, a Caring.com senior editor, is an attorney, a journalist specializing in aging issues, and the author of Your Rights in the Workplace (Nolo), now in its 10th edition.

Sometimes hidebound family dynamics can get in the way of talking about tough issues -- especially touchy end of life topics that often bring up laden thoughts such as mortality.

Take an honest look at what has you most concerned, what is causing you the greatest stress and strife for you and your other family members. It may be that one thing you really need is some time away for yourself. Depending on your mother's social and physical conditions, you may be able to get some help and hope informally by arranging for her friends and neighbors to spend time with you and spell you from your hard duties. You might also look into more formal resources in your area, such as adult daycare and respite services.

In reality, appeasing your mother and talking about end of life may just not be possible. If you haven't done it, try an honest and caring conversation about your concerns for your mother's lack of estate planning -- emphasizing that legal documents such as powers of attorney and advance directives and wills were invented to make sure that individual wishes for medical care and property management are honored by those around them. This pitch often appeals to the headstrong.

If she remains stubborn about such matters, ask for her reasons -- and really listen to them. It may be that she embraces the common fear that doing some planning for death will actually make it come sooner. Or she may know a friend who had a bad experience with a particular lawyer who was hired to help. You may find it easier to raise important issues by spending time together with a relevant book or movie, then having the discussion. You may be able to remove roadblocks this way.

Finally, given your history and living arrangement, it may simply be that you are not the best messenger for this particular message. A sibling who lives more distantly may actually be able to discuss the need for estate planning more dispassionately. Or your mother may be more able to embrace the wisdom of such arrangements when explained by a neutral third person. Local senior or community centers, for example, often offer such informational seminars; perhaps your mother would be willing to attend one, with or without you.