How do I deal with my sister, who is the gatekeeper to Dad's finances?

A fellow caregiver asked...

My mom died August 26th due to COPD. My dad is 86 and in an assisted living facility and in fair health. In the last few days my dad's behavior has changed dramatically towards me. I do not have power of attorney since I live 500 miles away and my sister is closer. We would discuss financial things, the sale of the family home and moving the furniture and who is to get what. Now I am told I can't talk to him about "business", I must call in advance to see him and I cannot go to the family home by myself. His demeanor has turned very mean. I am concerned that now he is not able to make good decisions and my sister is having a very hard time dealing with the death and is on heavy duty meds. I can no longer talk to my dad and ask the questions so see if he is taken care and aware of things happening. I am at a loss. My sister is very secretive and vindictive to the point of calling me a vulture. I am not sure how to fix this. I am very worried about the financial advice my dad is receiving or lack there of now.

Expert Answer

Mikol Davis, PhD has worked in community hospitals with geriatric patients suffering from dementia, depression, and other psychiatric problems. He has a doctorate in Psychology from the University of San Francisco and has been in private practice in Marin County, California. Davis co-founded AgingParents.com with his wife, Carolyn Rosenblatt.

I am sorry you and your sister are having family conflict over finances. You wanted some advice on "how to fix it." Fix what? If you believe that your father is being "unduly influenced" by your sister, perhaps it is time to bring in a third party to mediate your family conflict. Determining who you trust that is capable of mediating your present concerns.If you cant agree on a family friend, it may be time to hire a professional mediator who has experience working with inter-generational conflicts. It is time to have Dad's doctor do a full assessment to determine if his change in demeanor has been caused by a change in his medical or emotional health. Sometimes elders behavior becomes mean and angry. This is often reflective of symptoms of depression. There are many treatment options that can eliminate the angry symptoms. Although your sister is difficult to deal with NOW, dont't put off confronting your real concerns. If you delay dealing with your family conflicts the quality of your dad's care may suffer. Furthermore, rather than wait until your sister is no longer on "heavy meds," deal NOW with the financial implications of providing the best care for your father. The burden of caregiving will fall on both you and your sister.