How can I get my brother to help with Alzheimer's care?
I'm so resentful that my 40-year-old brother, who lives across the country, refuses to get involved in helping with our mother's Alzheimer's care. What can I do about it?
Expert Answer
There are many different reasons that one family member may seem to check out when it comes to caring for a parent with Alzheimer's. It could be denial. It could be fear. It could be that since he's so far away, he doesn't want -- or know how -- to get involved.
You also have to consider the family dynamics: has your brother gotten involved in family matters like this before? If he wasn't connected then, chances are he won't be now. This may be part of his personality or may stem from other past issues with the family that you may or may not be aware of.
All you can do is try to relate exactly what's going on and express the need for his support. Be honest with him and keep him in the loop even if you're not getting much response. Ultimately, it's his decision to a certain extent, and you may have to bear with it on your own.
It's critical, however, that you get enough assistance even without your brother. Do a support assessment by asking yourself the question, "Whom can I call on when I need help?" Make a list. Start with people you or your parents know from church, next-door neighbors, children, friends. Then look for more-formal support within the community where you live. You'll be surprised at how much help is available. Try a support group. Organizations like the Alzheimer's Association, places of worship, and adult education centers often have such groups.
Even if your brother doesn't have any interest in providing hands-on care, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't broach the idea of his assisting with financial support. A lot of the time, children who live far away donate money for the parent's care because it's expensive -- and because it's a concrete and helpful way for them to feel good about contributing and to get involved even if they aren't physically present.