Am I responsible for older disabled sister's care?
My sister is 77, almost 20 years older than me. I live 1,000 miles away and her 3 children (who she has pushed away) live in other states as well. She lives alone and no longer drives. She's been in the same town for 20+ years and has friends there. She pays for help with cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. Her health has been deteriorating steadily for the last few years, more rapidly in the last 2. She's uses a wheelchair (due to 2 bad hip replacements and degenerative bone disease). I call her frequently and have tried to encourage and arrange a better living situation. Her doctor makes house calls and is very aware of her situation, also encouraging her to move. She's on a lot of meds for pain and will not go into assisted living because she doesn't want anyone taking over her medication.
She was going to move into to a private family home (the daughter of her best friend) where they had previously taken care of an elderly friend until her passing. But because my sister would not make a commitment to the arrangement, they rented the room to another person. Now she's mad and feels betrayed. The other arrangement she was considering was with a woman in her 80's who is in just as poor health. But the woman had never agreed to the arrangement and my sister is angry about that too.
I lost my husband recently after 24 years. For 18 of those years I was also his caregiver (cancer, heart disease, COPD and diabetes). During this time I also helped my mom take care of my step-dad until his passing (stroke and cancer) and then took care of my mom until she passed from cancer. All while working full time (no choice - thanks goodness for an understanding boss).
I called this afternoon to check on her and after an hour of going over family history (for the hundredth time) she laid a huge guilt trip on me. She was hurt because I'd never "said from my heart", "why don't we move in together now we're both alone". She'd completely forgotten that I did look into houses and jobs in her town (a place I don't want to live) and there wasn't anything. She changes her mind constantly. And the thought of giving up a very good job I've had for the last 13 years is too risky. Plus, she's extremely difficult to deal with, is a very angry, hateful person and has a history of mental issues. For many years my mother did her best to help her but she'd get in a rage and leave after 3 days. Even if I did arrange for her to live with me she'd get angry about something and leave or arrange to leave after a few days. Her son calls her every few months but her daughters will have nothing to do with her.
After 18 years of care giving, full time work and not having any kind of life, to say the least I'm burned out. Right now I feel the only thing I can do is offer her some financial help and wait for her doctor to arrange for assisted living. Not sure what else I can do.
Expert Answer
I think the way you can be most helpful is to continue your phone calls of encouragement and sisterly love. When your sister gives you a bad time, you should gently hang up, telling her that you care for her. Sometimes family situation become so difficult that you have to turn it over to the professionals.
If her children are unable to care for her, she should be evaluated by adult protective services who would also be in touch with her physician. If she is eligible for a care home and needs to be moved one of her grown children might be willing to move her. You could give him support and encouragement.
If you have the funds, you might want to consult with an Aging Life Care Professional IFormerly known as Professional Geriatric Care Manager) or a social worker whom her doctor would refer you to. Your sister needs help with the addiction to pain medication and soothing from the pain of what must have been a hard life.
It could be very helpful for you to communicate with the professionals that will help your sister. Caring for the caregivers who are helping her will be more effective than your doing it yourself.