What if your mom is abusive should you have her move in...

3 answers | Last updated: Oct 30, 2010
Jamielynn asked...

If your mom is abusive, should you move her in with your children?

Expert Answers

As Founder and Director of Circles of Care, Ann Cason provides caregiving, consulting, and training services to individuals and public and private organizations involved in eldercare. She is the author of Circles of Care: How to Set Up Quality Home Care for Our Elders.

We love our mothers.   We want to help.  But we don't have to stand in front of a truck and let it run us over to prove a point.   First, sit beside the problem.   Watch and listen as others help you assess and advise and administer some healing balm into your heart.

  • Start with a good medical assessment.   If your mother is abusive is there q problems with her brain.? Does her crankiness result from an illness that can be treated?Let the doctor or his nurse know your concerns.   Listen to advice and be prepared to be patient as treatments often take quite awhile to work.
  • Ask for referrals
  • Use your hospital, area agency on aging, or visiting nurse service to find a support group.  Use the support group to ask advice from other s who are going through this process.
  • If you are a member of a church, use the resources.  Try to be as open about your concerns as possible so that you can receive the help you need. 
  • Get financial advice. Explore other options.  Could  yur mother remain in her own home with a little assistance?.  Could she benefit from foster care?  Could she afford assisted living?   Are there resources in your family or community to help pay for the care that she needs?
  • Try to get counselling for yourself.  Come to understand the patterns of abuse that exist within certain relationships and other within families for generation after generation.   Learn the patterns and triggers that set off abusive tirades.  Abusiveness itself is addictive behavior and the work of alanon can be extremely helpful, even if there are not issures with alcohol.   And there is no cost.
  • Once you have gone through the process of seeing what support is needed and available for you-----then decide.   If you can manage caring for your mother in a way that is beneficial for your growth and the growth of your family, it will be good.
  • If your decide that it is too risky, then help your mother with alternate living arrangements.    You do not have to abandon her.  You can still learn to respect boundaries.  You can communicate. 
  • You can appreciate that once she let you go to grow.   Now you can see to her needs and let her go to grow into the next stage of her life.      from Ann Cason, author, Circles of Care:   How to create Quality Home Care for our Elders

Community Answers

Carolyn hudson answered...

Are u saved?Do u go to church?When ur face with question like this the only one who truely give an answer that will help everyone involved is God because when u want to be there for the ones u love,u need God help and patients!!!He will not give u more than u can bare and He will lift ur spirit when u feel like giving up or giving in!Let God be everything u need when it come to helping others,ur kids might learn something as well!We have to learn to look over things when they hurt real bad and not words control our feelings and emotions!God help us to love above and beyond the call of human abilities!!Love even when it hurt real bad because it bring us closer to the creator and our maker of joy and pain!!

Newby1961 answered...

Nothing against religion, God knows my Higher Power has helped more than humans have, but God also gives us humans to help. Its good to pray about it, but if you are like me you want more of an answer than just pray. I urge you to look very closely at what you wrote. Should I let my ABUSIVE mother live with with us? Now if you just saw that sentence from lets say me, what would you tell me, HONESTLY, tell me? Then you have to tell yourself the same. We can love from a distance, and remember it is up to you to protect your family. Go with your gut try not to second guess your self. Peace & Blessings I am confident you will make the right choice for all involved. Maybe some family counseling will help? Peace & Blessings my friend.. & Happy Halloween