Alzheimer's Support Groups

Like wonderful77 said, I thought that she could go somewhere and have the room cleaned in her absence. Maybe an outing would help!

reshar, maybe underlying your mom's objections to someone cleaning is a combination of struggle for maintaining her independence and preserving her funds. Many elderly have lived through the Great Depression and just cannot spend on what they consider to be frivolous.

For my mother-in-law we arranged a monthly rate to include housekeeping and told her that's the way the house was run, all inclusive. She always "wants to get my monies worth," so she accepted it.

BJ

Hi, everyone! Boy...is this MY MOM, TOO. I've been doing her laundry and ironing for two years now and because I sneak when I do it, she believes she is doing it herself! When I momnapped her last year she complained about me cleaning and I found she really can't stand the vacuum noise, so I hired a gal to come in once in a while to clean and she is fine with that! I still sneak around and clean when she's asleep and still do all the laundry. BJ's idea is great and maybe your Mom will make a new friend with the housekeeper, like my Mom has with Sonia! Hugs to all....

Hafa Adai resahar, I have a similar type of problem with my wife. She suffers from dementia and will allow nothing to be thrown away! At first this was an event filled with drama. Me demanding she get rid of old clothes and skivvies and she insisting she needed them. I finally figured out that when she went to sleep I could get things cleaned up pronto. My suggestion would be to have your aunt invite her for an outing. Coordinate with the facility crew to get the place back in shape. When they get back I would imagine any fuss would be small as she would be tired. When she gets up and finds things looking pretty good she will probably go back to complaining about the things she always does. Stumper

When my husband came home from his stay at the dementia unit at an assisted living facility, our house was piled high with paper, furniture, junk, from his years as a pack rat and my denial of his increasing dementia. His caregivers and I set to clearing space but found that we couldn't take ANYTHING out of the house if he was aware of it. So we spent a lot of time spiriting things out when he wasn't looking, and he didn't seem to notice. However, once we took out the old broken chair he liked to hang his jacket on and didn't replace it right away and he got ticked off. He likes to keep his Wall Street Journals on the coffee table and spreads them out all over--first I tried to "get him" to go through them (that had never worked, why did I bother?) then I'd surreptitiously collect all that were more than a week old and straighten up the rest, but he could tell somebody had been messing with them. Now, once a week before "recycling" day, when he's asleep, I carefully take everything more than a week old and put it in the recycle bin in the garage, and leave the rest "strewn" pretty much in the same places (moving them strategically to wipe up crumbs, etc.) and he doesn't seem to notice. I tried to clean out the office piles and at first he would get mad, but now it's been 2 years he's been home and I'm throwing away old papers right in front of him. I don't know if he's used to my doing it, or declining. Probably some of both. But I go along with those who are advising cleaning it while she's somewhere else, with the caveat that as much as possible things should be left where she likes to find them. I think with my DH it's just another "loss of control" issue. He's gradually mellowed to the point where he'll actually HAND me his dirty shirt (not socks or shorts yet, though) about 50% of the time (at first he'd hide all his dirty clothes because the caregivers were "stealing them". Any change is hard at first but he seems to have gotten used to many things over time. Just takes him a lot longer than "normal" (?) people (are there any of those out there??? :) )

Hi resahar, Thanks for your question, and to all who shared such wonderful suggestions! Here are some additional tips and resources on Caring.com that may help...

• An elder companion or in-home care provider may visit your mom at her assisted living residence and help with light housekeeping: https://www.caring.com/questions/is-house-cleaning-offer-by-home-care-providers Here's how to find this type of helper in your mom's area: https://www.caring.com/local/in-home-care-in-minnesota More information about how to hire in-home caregivers, check references, pay for care, etc. can be found here: https://www.caring.com/local/in-home-care

• Caring.com has tips to help persuade your mom to accept this type of help: https://www.caring.com/articles/how-to-get-your-loved-one-to-accept-an-elder-companion The difficult behaviors solution center also has some strategies for dealing with the "resists help" behavior: https://www.caring.com/slideshows/resists-help. You may also find this Alzheimer's behaviors info center helpful as well: https://www.caring.com/alzheimers-behavior-problems

• Another caregiver asked a similar question in our Ask & Answer area of the website, and received an expert answer that you may find valuable: https://www.caring.com/questions/alzheimers-cleaning-bathing

• Another idea to consider is buying a housecleaning robot for your mom, which is a one-time purchase (est. $120-$500) and can help with her sense of dignity and control (she may even consider it fun and neat to own): https://www.caring.com/checklists/useful-gadgets-for-elderly Also, if she can't manage a complete housecleaning regularly, try to simplify by focusing on these often-neglected surfaces: https://www.caring.com/articles/clean-where-it-counts-3-surfaces

• As the disease progresses, your mom may simply lack the wherewithal for housecleaning: https://www.caring.com/symptoms/alzheimers-symptoms/spilling-something-and-not-cleaning-it-up If she continues to resist help, it may be better for her residence to be cleaned while she's otherwise occupied in activities at the assisted living community, with friends or family, or in the company of a professional elder companion.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. Please do let us know if you need more. Thanks!