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Alzheimer's Support: Featured Caregiver Conversations

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Assisted Living: How to Get Mom to Clean Her Residence?

resahar said...
My mom has been living at a assisted living facility for about a year and half now. I live in DE and mom lives in MN. One of my mom's sister lives close to mom and is there to help her and to keep an eye on things. My aunt and I share guardianship/conservatorship. The facility that mom lives in is very nice and is a place that she picked. She says she hates it there, that there is nothing to do there. We know that what she is saying isn't true and have come to look past it when we talk. The staff at the facility want to keep her as independant as possible. She is responsible for cleaning her apartment and doing her laundry. The problem is, she'not doing it and if you ask to help her or tell her that you are going to do it, she gets very upset and tells you that she does all her cleaning herself and doesn't need your help. But she doesn't seem to get it done. My aunt says that the place is a mess and quite dirty. She's currently very mad at my aunt for wanting to come in and clean Any suggestions? We don't know what to do.
from the Mild Stage Support Group
CaringDenise said...

Hi resahar, Thanks for your question, and to all who shared such wonderful suggestions! Here are some additional tips and resources on Caring.com that may help...

An elder companion or in-home care provider may visit your mom at her assisted living residence and help with light housekeeping: https://www.caring.com/questions/is-house-cleaning-offer-by-home-care-providers Here's how to find this type of helper in your mom's area: https://www.caring.com/local/in-home-care-in-minnesota More information about how to hire in-home caregivers, check references, pay for care, etc. can be found here: https://www.caring.com/local/in-home-care

Caring.com has tips to help persuade your mom to accept this type of help: https://www.caring.com/articles/how-to-get-your-loved-one-to-accept-an-elder-companion The difficult behaviors solution center also has some strategies for dealing with the "resists help" behavior: https://www.caring.com/slideshows/resists-help. You may also find this Alzheimer's behaviors info center helpful as well: https://www.caring.com/alzheimers-behavior-problems

Another caregiver asked a similar question in our Ask & Answer area of the website, and received an expert answer that you may find valuable: https://www.caring.com/questions/alzheimers-cleaning-bathing

Another idea to consider is buying a housecleaning robot for your mom, which is a one-time purchase (est. $120-$500) and can help with her sense of dignity and control (she may even consider it fun and neat to own): https://www.caring.com/checklists/useful-gadgets-for-elderly Also, if she can't manage a complete housecleaning regularly, try to simplify by focusing on these often-neglected surfaces: https://www.caring.com/articles/clean-where-it-counts-3-surfaces

As the disease progresses, your mom may simply lack the wherewithal for housecleaning: https://www.caring.com/symptoms/alzheimers-symptoms/spilling-something-and-not-cleaning-it-up If she continues to resist help, it may be better for her residence to be cleaned while she's otherwise occupied in activities at the assisted living community, with friends or family, or in the company of a professional elder companion.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. Please do let us know if you need more. Thanks!

superstring said...
When my husband came home from his stay at the dementia unit at an assisted living facility, our house was piled high with paper, furniture, junk, from his years as a pack rat and my denial of his increasing dementia. His caregivers and I set to clearing space but found that we couldn't take ANYTHING out of the house if he was aware of it. So we spent a lot of time spiriting things out when he wasn't looking, and he didn't seem to notice. However, once we took out the old broken chair he liked to hang his jacket on and didn't replace it right away and he got ticked off. He likes to keep his Wall Street Journals on the coffee table and spreads them out all over--first I tried to "get him" to go through them (that had never worked, why did I bother?) then I'd surreptitiously collect all that were more than a week old and straighten up the rest, but he could tell somebody had been messing with them. Now, once a week before "recycling" day, when he's asleep, I carefully take everything more than a week old and put it in the recycle bin in the garage, and leave the rest "strewn" pretty much in the same places (moving them strategically to wipe up crumbs, etc.) and he doesn't seem to notice. I tried to clean out the office piles and at first he would get mad, but now it's been 2 years he's been home and I'm throwing away old papers right in front of him. I don't know if he's used to my doing it, or declining. Probably some of both. But I go along with those who are advising cleaning it while she's somewhere else, with the caveat that as much as possible things should be left where she likes to find them. I think with my DH it's just another "loss of control" issue. He's gradually mellowed to the point where he'll actually HAND me his dirty shirt (not socks or shorts yet, though) about 50% of the time (at first he'd hide all his dirty clothes because the caregivers were "stealing them". Any change is hard at first but he seems to have gotten used to many things over time. Just takes him a lot longer than "normal" (?) people (are there any of those out there??? :) )
Stumper said...

Hafa Adai resahar, I have a similar type of problem with my wife. She suffers from dementia and will allow nothing to be thrown away! At first this was an event filled with drama. Me demanding she get rid of old clothes and skivvies and she insisting she needed them. I finally figured out that when she went to sleep I could get things cleaned up pronto. My suggestion would be to have your aunt invite her for an outing. Coordinate with the facility crew to get the place back in shape. When they get back I would imagine any fuss would be small as she would be tired. When she gets up and finds things looking pretty good she will probably go back to complaining about the things she always does. Stumper

dointherightthing said...
Hi, everyone! Boy...is this MY MOM, TOO. I've been doing her laundry and ironing for two years now and because I sneak when I do it, she believes she is doing it herself! When I momnapped her last year she complained about me cleaning and I found she really can't stand the vacuum noise, so I hired a gal to come in once in a while to clean and she is fine with that! I still sneak around and clean when she's asleep and still do all the laundry. BJ's idea is great and maybe your Mom will make a new friend with the housekeeper, like my Mom has with Sonia! Hugs to all....
BJGARRY said...
reshar, maybe underlying your mom's objections to someone cleaning is a combination of struggle for maintaining her independence and preserving her funds. Many elderly have lived through the Great Depression and just cannot spend on what they consider to be frivolous. For my mother-in-law we arranged a monthly rate to include housekeeping and told her that's the way the house was run, all inclusive. She always "wants to get my monies worth," so she accepted it. BJ
felic1 said...

Like wonderful77 said, I thought that she could go somewhere and have the room cleaned in her absence. Maybe an outing would help!

wonderful77 said...

Can one of you take her out for a little outing while the other cleans up? Could be she wouldn't even notice. Distraction of some kind sounds like the ticket.

resahar said...
She tries, but mom just gets very upset. We tell her that if my aunt doesn't help her that someone from the facility will come in and clean...it doesn't matter. She doesn't want anyone to do it.
felic1 said...
Somebody has to clean the place. You aunt should go in and clean it.
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In-Home Care: Could Mom Be Hurting the Dogs While I'm Gone?

Ms Terri said...
Is it possible that my mother is hurting the dogs while I'm gone and not remember? She really likes them, but I wonder if she's stepping on them by accident, since she can't see very good. They are 3 small dogs. Today I came home and my terrier is limping and in a lot of pain. She said he fell off the couch. And for the last month he yelps if I suddenly get too close to him. And her dog won't sleep on her bed very long and some times is shaking. Could be something else wrong..don't know. Like medical problems on the dogs part, after all they are over 8 yrs old. I can't see her hurting them on purpose.
from the Mild Stage Support Group
CaringDenise said...

Hi Ms Terri, Thanks for sharing this question in this group, and thanks to all who offered their suggestions! Here is some information on Caring.com that you may also find helpful...

It sounds like your mother may be home alone with the dogs, correct? If so, consider having an elder companion or in-home care provider come in while you're out, to stay with your mom and help with providing you some rest from caregiving too: https://www.caring.com/local/in-home-care Here are some tips for discussing this option with your mom: https://www.caring.com/articles/how-to-get-your-loved-one-to-accept-an-elder-companion Besides offering care to your mom, and giving you some respite, the in-home care provider can also monitor the situation to give you reassurance (or raise issues) about the dogs' safety while you're out of the home.

A couple questions in Ask & Answer have been asked about Alzheimer's and pet ownership. You may wish to see the answers those caregivers received: How can my mother, who has Alzheimer's, and my pet safely live together? and Would a person with Alzheimer's Disease ever hurt their own pet?

Pets can serve as a form of therapy for loved ones with Alzheimer's: https://www.caring.com/articles/alternative-therapies-for-alzheimers However, please also keep in mind these tips for pet safety with seniors: https://www.caring.com/blogs/caring-currents/pet-safety-seniors-pets-health-risk

I hope these resources are helpful to you!

Hollyw said...
I would add that as well - perhaps secure the dogs in another area while your not there.I am a firm believer that pets ADD a whole lot of enrichment and enjoyment to ALL of our lives, especially elderly and AD patients. The new cat mom and I got for her is huge entertainment, and forces mom to interact. Its been a joy to watch mom be able to get over the death of her beloved dog with the help of her new cat.
Little Eve said...
While it's true that dogs will be dogs, you don't want them to be abused or mistreated by someone whose mind is not functioning correctly. The suggestion of confining them somewhere while you work is a good one. Also, if your mom were to trip over one of them and break a bone or bones, her problems would be greatly elevated.
anniepop4419 said...
my husband trips (steps on) over the dogs (three of them) all the time. it could be a depth perception thing. if we are around we warn him they are lying in his path, if not, then the inevitable happens. there is nothing you can really do about it, dogs will be dogs. you might want to get them checked out anyway to disount anything else that may be going on with them. if in fact your mom is tripping (stepping on) over them, is there anyway you can contain the dogs while you work? sorry no real answer. good luck.
Little Eve said...
You should definitely look into this situation. Probably your mom should not be left alone with the dogs. If her mind was working in a normal fashion, she wouldn't hurt them, but remember her brain is shutting down. Sometimes AD patients are even mean and cruel to their pets, unknowingly, even forgetting to feed them and provide water.
Hollyw said...
I work part time at an animal hospital - shaking is certainly a sign of pain -its possible a back or a pinched nerve could be to blame - awful coincidental - 2 pets - I suggest taking them to your vet for an exam - I just got my mom a cat since we had to put her dog down 3 weeks ago - my mom has been diagnosed for apx. 8 years with Alz. anyway, this sweet cat was sitting right in front of mom and mom tapped her on the nose - the poor cat did not like that and I scolded mom. Its weird how they act sometimes, she is usually petting and loving to the cat - goodluck keep me posted
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Caring for Mom & Husband: Why Do I Feel Guilty Leaving Them?

An anonymous caregiver said...
why when i think about taking a day away from my mother and husband whom both have either alzheimers or dementia i feel guilty and don't go, i have been caring for my mother who is wheelchair bound and needs help with everything but eating for 8 years and my husband who was diagnoised with dementia last year, I have never had help with the care of my mother and only go grocery shopping once a week and take them to doctor appointments during this 8 years, it takes so much special care for mother and those that i have had care for her while i had a doctor appointment try really hard but don't really know just how to do things and mother always says "i'm so glad you are here now" she is not munipulating me, wouldn't even know what that means at this stage. I am really tired but just can't get away without feeling guilty like i am letting them down by leaving them and so i just don't go. My siblings all work and can't really help me out and i can't afford anyone to come in, financially we just make it. Why do i feel so guilty leaving them
from the Moderate Stage Support Group
Piver said...
Dear Anon, do take the time to follow up on all the suggestions. Caring.com does have great help. Sending love your way. Piver
CaringDenise said...

Hi anonymous, Thank you for sharing about your feelings, and thanks to everyone who shared such supportive comments in response! Following up on the suggestions you received...

Guilt is one of the 7 deadly emotions of caregiving: https://www.caring.com/articles/7-deadly-emotions-of-caregiving It's really important that you take some time for yourself too, and here are some ways you can get respite care for your mom and husband: https://www.caring.com/articles/respite-care

Your local Area Agency on Agency may be able to refer you to financial assistance programs to help cover the costs of care, and/or may have an adult day care program you can utilize: https://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging

Caring.com offers financial information, including how to pay for care, in the Money & Legal section of the site: https://www.caring.com/senior-money-legal

Tips and strategies for caregiver wellness, including how to avoid or address caregiver burnout, are here: https://www.caring.com/caregiver-wellness

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you!

An anonymous caregiver said...
thank you all for taking time to help me, i so appreciate your kindness and encourgement, May the Lord Bless you all
Piver said...
Me, too.
Coping in Canada said...
Welcome Anon. I won't add a lot more other than please listen to the wise advice of the other caregivers.
Tizzy said...
Hello Anon and welcome. There is no need for you to feel guilty but I an totally understand why you do. After 8 years you really do need some help. As the sole caregiver to your Mom and your DH (dear husband) you do need to take care of you. I'm glad you've found this web site so you can come here and post and talk to others who truly understand what you're going through. You've now acquired over 400 new friends just by logging on! Tizzy
Gatfly said...
For what it's worth, Anon- you just logged onto a site FULL of folks, ready and waiting to be your friend. Sometimes, when we are so busy with the business of living, it's nice to just log on and say, hello friends! And someone is always here to greet you back! ♥ hugs and welcome!
floy said...
Oh my dear, you do need some help. Don't feel guilty. You need so much to care for yourself as well as the others. Hugs to you ♥
daylily said...
Dear Anon, Guilt is what holds us in place, freeing that gives you room to grow and not burn out so quickly! Is ther a Daycare for Seniors in your area that you could take them to for several hours twice a week. I know you need the interaction of other people in your life right now. When they say to you what Mom said. It just means you are their safety person and they appreciate your touch and smile than others.
An anonymous caregiver said...
I haven't any friends, after eight years of caring for mother in my home and never going anywhere there are no friends. But you are right Jayne I do feel sad and very tired, and i will look into Alzheimers Assoc. thanks for your help Jayne
LaurSavvy said...
I think you are so tired that just going outside is a lot of work. Somebody wonderful on this site told me the other day to go brush my teeth and comb my hair....and voila' I felt better. We get so tired when you do this 24/7 that just the simple act of leaving home for a few hours seems like so much work. They will be ok while you are gone and you will benefit from the break. Try to look at a break as part of the job, you must look after yourself, I am trying to learn this too.
Jayne Hannah said...
I was just told this in my bereavement support - guilt is reserved for when you intentionally set out to harm someone. It is not guilt you are feeling - it is sadness and exhaustion. It is impossible to love and care give as much as we think we can. You need help. Reach out now. Please. The biggest mistakes I made when care giving for my DH were when I hit the Burn Out phase. I wonder if Alzheimers Association can offer free support or at least ideas. Tell your friends I NEED HELP. I truly wish I had done that, so you do it.
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Respite Care: How to Arrange Last-Minute Back-up Care When I'm Ill?

An anonymous caregiver said...
Is there someway to find a respite care center that will take someone at the last minute and not charge a fortune? I was hospitalized last week for intestinal bleeding. I put off going for too long because I had no one to care for my husband. The hospital found us respite care but the place wouldn't let him out without a cash payment because it was the weekend. I was lucky I could transfer money by computer and write them a check but I may not have enough in my bank account if it happens again.
from the Mild Stage Support Group
CaringDenise said...
Hi, A few more information and resource suggestions for you... - Strategies for self-care while caring for others: [https://www.caring.com/caregiver-wellness](https://www.caring.com/caregiver-wellness) - A geriatric care manager may be able to help with respite care arrangements when you are ill: [https://www.caring.com/local/geriatric-care-managers](https://www.caring.com/senior-care/geriatric-care-managers) Your local Area Agency on Aging can also share geriatric care information and assist with referral to local resources: [https://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging](https://www.caring.com/local/area-agency-on-aging) Hope you're feeling better or recovering well.
Christean said...
Anonymous, you said "they wouldn't let him out." It sounds like an illegal act, for them to trap him there like that. Maybe I misunderstood, but if they would release him to you for payment, they certainly could release him without the cash. Naturally they should be paid, but how can they have the right to commit what sounds like false imprisonment to me? I hope I misunderstood because I'm shocked that this happens.
superstring said...

Thanks for your post, anonymous. My prayers for your health also. Also for the reminder that I need to take care of my own medical needs. I'm overdue for mammogram and eye exam and keep putting it off because of so many other things to do but my counselor keeps bugging me about self care. I know she's right but I'm realizing that I've never been too good at putting my own needs first--although I always thought I was being selfish, so people who knew they could take advantage of me by accusing me of being selfish usually won out because I was so afraid of what others would think of me. I've just been assigned to "practice self-respect EVERY DAY" and I'm shocked to realize that I hardly know what that means.

CaringDenise said...
Hi Anonymous, Here's an overview of respite options for family caregivers: [https://www.caring.com/articles/respite-care](https://www.caring.com/articles/respite-care) This article includes links to the directories of respite options in our senior care directory (under "senior housing" tab in navigation menu at top of Caring.com pages). Provider listings on Caring.com include consumer ratings and reviews to help you in the selection process, as well as contact info for the provider. I hope all goes well with your recovery, and that the info I've linked above is helpful to you.
annonymous caregiver said...

When you were discharged was there not a discharge planner, rn that met with you perhaps you can contact her for knowledge of a community rn that helps with placement for elders. Senior sources, private home care, etc. they are familiar with the prices . Unfortunately nothing is cheap. Do you have any family or friends that can help with respite, this is the cheapest route. Get yourself BETTER. YOU NEED TO STAY HEALTHY. Prayers for you health and rest.

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Being a Caregiver: I Should Have Asked to be Super Woman

Becca13 said...
"All my life I've wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific." -- Jane Wagner ........ I should have asked to be Super Woman so I could handle this disease better!! ♥
from the Moderate Stage Support Group
Becca13 said...
Tears of compation for ALL us Superpeople caregivers, past and present! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Sabz said...
A great Big Hurrah for all these Superwomen I have met here!!! You are people to be proud of.
nac said...
Warm Hug Momma R!!!
Gatfly said...
hugs to you Momma R!!! ♥
Tizzy said...
I love the quote too. I think if it were me, I'd ask for the cure for this stink in disease. That would surely make me somebody important, eh? Tizzy
Momma R said...
You know we are all super heros to the ones we care for. I used to think "I will be glad when this is over." Now I would give anything to have a mess to cleanup,or someone giving me a hard time. I know it is hard, but just keep doing what you are doing. You WILL get thru this. Just make sure your loved ones know that you love them, because no matter what you think, they love you! Hugs to all you OWA. I love you all and miss getting on here, but still is hard to do. Has been 4 months since Daddy went home to be with our son, and others that have passed.
Gatfly said...
love the quote! I think you are doing a fantastic job - both of you!! ♥
nac said...
You have really said a mouth full. This is not an easy task taking care of our loved ones. Thanks for the quote.
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