Beware an Unexpected Source of Caregiver Stress
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
As caregivers, we're often hardest on ourselves, trying to live up to impossible standards of "doing it all," "doing it right," and so on. But sometimes we inadvertently make the load even more strenuous -- by doing or saying things we believe to be correct in the moment, but which we wind up regretting. And that regret, in turn, adds to our caregiver guilt and caregiver stress load.
I know: It's almost impossible to guess when regret will come back to bite you. In the moment, a choice may seem so reasonable. But since preventing bad moves is one of the best ways to avoid regret over them, I asked around to see what others would think twice about if given the chance. Four main categories of caregiver regrets came up – or at least, four so far!
- Making promises you can't deliver.
"I'll never put you in a nursing home" is Numero Uno.
- Making choices not rooted in reality.
I thought of this one when I saw this new research from Columbia University showing that patients who die in the hospital in the United States are almost five times as likely to have spent part of their last hospital stay in the ICU than patients in England. (For people over 85, the difference is eight times higher in the US!) There's a huge bias here to aggressively use intensive care services no matter what – even in patients who are very elderly or ill and, in reality, who are unlikely to have a positive outcome or vastly improved quality of life. Given that most people, according to other surveys, would prefer to die at home, it seems there's an impulse to continue to "do everything" in the medical arsenal. Yet caregivers often regret having done this, wishing that at a certain point they'd switched to focusing more on the quality of life remaining and on ensuring a "good death" for their loved one.
- Denying an indulgence that in the big picture, wouldn't cause much harm.
One friend told me of his 80-something mother happily eying a margarita he'd just ordered: "That sure looks good!" But my friend knew his mom's medications warned against taking alcohol, so he first pointed this out, then relented and ordered Mom a virgin version. But by then, the bloom was off the moment. The substitute drink wasn't a hit. "I wish I could turn back the clock and order the drink. She didn't go out to eat that much, and it would have made her so happy."
Not to imply our parents deserve a free pass with booze, but I had a similar alcohol regret. My mother liked an evening glass of wine (well, two), but I always gave her a hard time about it: "If you didn't drink anything that weight would come right off!" When she was on hospice, in an attempt to please her, I told her she could have anything she wanted and did she want her chardonnay? Ice cream? By then, she didn't care for any of it. My mom was in her 70s and caring for her mom and my dad when I was haranguing her about an evening glass of wine. Was I saving her health, or denying her a simple pleasure? And was it my call to impose my habits on her?
- Not spending money on the right things.
What's "right"? Things that make the ill person happy. So, for example, one woman wished she'd spent more money on fresh flowers and less on vitamin supplements she thought would make her mother healthier because she took them herself. Another wishes she'd saved less for the possibility of catastrophic care needs and spent it instead on elder companion services to keep her mom company during the day when she had to be at work, or on traveling together while her mother could still get around.
Anything that you regret? I ask not to make you feel more guilty (!), but in the hope that your own experience might make a fellow caregiver think twice and avoid beating himself or herself up over a similar regret….
I love the way this thread has developed. All the regrets seem to come from being task focused. All the solutions come from being in the moment and asking what matters right now. I love Joy's comment "I choose to give my husband my best every day..." If we can just put a little space between what we think needs to get done and doing it, a little space between what springs to our lips and what we actually say...how might things be better? And when we don't put in that space because we are tired or stressed that we forgive ourselves and move forward. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com
This one really struck home! I tended, for a long time, to do my "chores" and then spend most of my time in another part of the house, leaving my parents alone with each other (as they have been married 60 years, they really don't want that much "alone time.") Recently, I've started to sit down in the kitchen before dinner prep with a glass of wine. When either of them passes through, I offer them a drink (coffee, wine, whatever) and ask them to sit and join me. Not for nothing do they call it "attitude adjustment hour." It has changed the way I feel about all of this enormously. I'm more than a caregiver--I'm a daughter. They are my parents. This is time I will never regain if I don't take it now. Phew! Saved by premature regret!
I love the comment "...regrets are forever. I am currently in my living space i.e. my bedroom while my Mom is in the living room watching T.V. I can't stand the TV being so loud so I disappear. Ya know after reading this, the reason I'm here is caring for my Mom and that means more then cooking and cleaning. Thank you so much for the reminder, I think I will go and watch TV with my Mom. I think lonliness is the worst illness and so easy to cure. Thanks again. Imelda
Hugs not myself
Thx for the feedback...helpful to hear that everybody has some kind of regret or another...
I recently quit a very part time job as I realized that it was making me short tempered with mom because that was the time she most needed me to be around. I don't regret it. Sure I won't have that extra money for a few years but I only have mom for a few more years. That living in the moment is good advice and try to stress less and smile more...No matter how much time you have with your loved one, regret is forever. This website is a godsend. It helps you to keep things in perspective. Thanks Caring.com
Regrets, Paula you certainly picked some big ones for your post. Another one for me is being distracted. Caregiving brings so many tasks, I think we can forget to slow down and appreciate the person we are caring for. While recently helping an elderly friend I found myself making a conscious choice to slow down. I could have been all caught up in rushing around and trying to get her to move faster but that would have just caused more stress. Being in the moment with her and moving a more of her pace made our time together better. Janice Wallace, The Eldercare Coach www.caringforcaregivers.com
Hugs weaversk
Great article. My husband is in skilled nursing/hospice, and I see so many other families arguing over little things that don't make any difference. Saying harsh things out of stress. I know that after the fact, they will feel guilt because they did not show all the love they could have. I even have patients say to me, how can you keep smiling so much? My answer, we all have choices and I choose to give my husband my best every day. In other words, I am trying to live my life as it is happening right now, so I don't have any regrets later. It is a choice and not always easy.
Hugs lucyhb
Great post Paula, What can I say? You are right on, we are often so serious about health that we forget about quality of life for the person we are caring for and for ourselves. I really liked the part that you wrote about small indulgences. I think that you have to let loved ones enjoy themselves and de-stress yourself. Every caregiver should take some time off and recharge by doing things that they love. Especially with the amount of quality in-home care services out there today. Great article, Bill My Blog: www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare