Nothing prepares you for being present at the death of a loved one. The emotional enormity of the experience and its relative rarity give survivors little frame of reference to draw from.
"The time of life we call dying is an extremely difficult part of the life cycle, but a normal part," says palliative-care physician Ira Byock, author of Dying Well. "The nature of it isn't medical, it's experiential."
The death experience unfolds differently in each situation. But those who have witnessed "the passing" observe the following:
The dying person may talk to people not in the room, or may see other places.
"A few hours before she died, my mother suddenly said, 'No, I'm not Sarah [her mother's name],' but she didn't say it to any of us in the room. Then she was telling Dad she loved him. It was like she was having two conversations at once. One of the last coherent things that she said was, 'Are you the gentleman who's come to meet me?'" -- Michele, a North Carolina mother of four
Dying people often seem to be in two worlds at once: here and not here. They may talk to or gesture toward people who aren't visible to others in the room. Or they may describe things or places they see, such as a garden, a favorite location, or lights.
These "deathbed visions," as British neuropsychiatrist Peter Fenwick, a specialist in near-death experiences, calls them, almost always take place when the person is clearly conscious -- even though witnesses sometimes mistake the visions and speech for signs of delirium. Some dying people switch easily between conversations with those at the bedside and with someone unseen. The people and places are usually connected with feelings of peace and security. In the U.S. and the U.K., nearly three-fourths of visions are of friends and relatives who aren't living, says Fenwick, author of The Art of Dying. About 13 percent of people seen are religious figures, compared to 50 percent of people in India who see Hindu figures. Seeing strangers is relatively rare.
I enjoyed this whole article. I found myself thinking of those who fear death. We are nothing... two tiny items meet...and becomes a person that lives for 50-60-70-80 years--- then in one breath that does not come---we are "no more"- just memories to those who knew and loved us.
I recall how I found my mother aged 66, having left her body within minutes of having a breakfast early Monday morning with all of us. All of us, her 2 sons and 2 grandsons and her daughter-in-law, were shocked and grieved as she died suddenly of a heart attack as she must have suffered during her morning stools passing in her restroom. The concept and meaning of life and th emotive of life were the burning questions in my mind that haunted me and my brother even several months from our mother's death. Life is truly a journey with loved ones similar to traveling together with people in a plane or train and when the end of the destination for some of us comes, we will leave this material world and this skin for something more eternal and permanent place to merge with the creator of this universe.
I worked as a nursing aide way back 45-50 years ago in a county hospital as I worked my way through college. While there I experienced a few patients' deaths. Some of the older, more experienced aides and nurses were able to "predict" a patient's death within 24 hours by something I've never heard discussed anywhere. Not only did these older aides and nurses explain this phenomenon to me, I actually witnessed it myself : The patients, even though in a deep sleep, would gently caress the sheets around them by gently pulling up on the sheets in a peculiar way: They would use a motion similar to someone gently pulling a fragile Kleenex tissue up out of the box, only they would do it repeatedly on the upper sheet, usually with just one hand. The movement involved the thumb, index, middle, and ring fingers, possibly the little finger. It didn't matter what was going on around them, they seemed to be unaware of their surroundings. It would only last maybe a few seconds to a minute, and then go away and then might be repeated throughout that last day, with our job assignments we could not possibly constantly monitor this ward's patients. It was just something that seemed like it was going to happen whether there was an audience or not. There was no associated activity that I noticed. There was no particular time of day. We noticed just if we happened to be in the room doing our routines and the patient happened to do it, and then we "knew" the patient would die within the next 24 hours. We didn't time it or anything, it was just something the more experienced staff matter-of-factly knew and accepted as a signal the end was coming. Frequently the patient was gone before we came in for the next day's shift, or if still alive they would pass during that next day's shift. I do not believe there was a common illness among the patients I witnessed doing this. This was back in the days before hospice, and where aides were trained on the job (there was no school or certification). Many future nurses and even some doctors worked their way through school as a nurses' aide trained on the job. While I can not say with certainty that ALL terminal patients do this, enough of them did it during the short time that I worked and personally witnessed that I would not be surprised if 90+ percent of them do this. Like I said, this was long before hospice was around. Terminal patients were placed on the medical floors, sometimes in private rooms, sometimes in semi-private (2 beds to a room). When this phenomenon was noted and there was family present, and if enough empty semi-private rooms were available, the nurse in charge would try to reassign patients into an unoccupied semi-private room so the family would have more privacy. I would love to know if anyone else has ever heard of this phenomenon? It's been 45+ years since I learned of it and even though I was a young naive aide, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.
For Klarissa and other health care professionals: There are now Cardiac Hospice Programs that will accept patients with a defribillator and pacemaker. The cardiac hospice will continue all cardiac meds and will encourage you to continue to see your cardiologist and other specialists as needed. The support has been amazing and the care has been great. Cardiac Connections is one such program affiliated with Compassionate Care Hospice in PA.
My client told us the heaven airplane was coming...but not just yet. I knew then they were tired of fighting...their body tired...preparing to go.
The perspectives of Hospice practitioners was much appreciated; I have so much respect for this group. Previous to my mom's situation I never gave the practices of pallative care much thought and am so thankful for these angels of mercy.
Prayers caring for all, marlenal
How did I find this article tonight? Tonight may be Mom's last night... I have her in my arms on the sofa, I am feeding her ice cream and wiping her mouth, and she says "Did my Vicki go to bed? She must have went to bed." She hasn't called me Vicki since I was little.
Hugs barbhill, caring for all
Prayers caring for all
My step-father passed away at home after a battle with liver disease. While he was resting in his bed, I was a near-constant presence nearby, always making sure his lips had enough lip-balm, always holding his hand and speaking quietly with him, and then I realized that I had begun to add little reassurances that he did, in fact, give us all a good life, and he had taught us all very well. And then one morning, he suddenly grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and began speaking clearly; "Let's go to the front, come on, what are we waiting for, lets go to the front".. I assumed he meant the front of the boat, since was a lifelong avid boater. Those of us present for this event gathered close, and said, "yes let us go, it is ready, and we are all here now, it is ok to go to the front". And just as quickly as this spurt of activity came for him, it was gone. It was one of the last coherent things he said to anyone. His passing was one of the most profound, painful, and yet.. life-affirming things I have had the chance to bear witness to. He went peacefully, surrounded by his wife, sister and myself. The hospice nurse was absolutely incredible, and I thank my stars that there are people like her.
Hugs caring for all
My mother went into some sort of a seizure before going into a semi-comatose state. It was distressing to witness because she seemed to be in pain. It was not easy giving her morphine, as she spitted out most of it. The morphine patch came too late. The hospice nurse told me that my mother did not feel much pain and it was because of the "metabolic changes". The morning of Dec. 1st, my mother passed away quietly. I was not with her at that time but I know she no longer has has to suffer with her chronic pain. She was a creative and giving woman, though she did not receive love from my father. That is the way he is. I'm still crying sorting the many dress patterns she made and piles of scrape fabric she kept to make clothes for us. She was a gifted seamstress and it is still difficult seeing the lovely clothes in her closet. Her shoes seem to make me sad too. I miss her deeply.
Hugs caring for all, Joanne P.B.
The article affirmed what I felt when I was with my mother when she died. Also, I see some of what was discussed when I visit a friend who is in a nursing home.
Hugs caring for all
it is the truth - gently said. Hospice won't take the patient because he has a pacemaker and defibrillator.
Hugs caring for all
My Dad is in the last stages of life, I got the call 6 days ago that time is near after a long 4 year battle with cancer. Being a proud Scotsman the transition has not been easy for him, to go from a life full of solutions to overcome every obstacle to having to just let it be! I have talked and talked to him for days now and found the response key....Music ! Download the most spiritual sound you will ever hear...Amazing Grace by the Royal Scot Dragoon Guards....seriously I'm from Australia and chose this for my Father's honour ...but this music has eased my fear ...no words needed just a nod from Dad in the final stages of his life ,a wave of love and calm I have never experienced in a room before. The Bagpipes will forever shudder my senses and will bring me to tears forever more. ...heavenly....powerful stuff ! Morphine may ease pain but the human soul requires the bagpipes & Amazing Grace !
Hugs Joanne P.B.
Prayers caring for all, hsm21
This article was an easy read. I liked that people shared personal instances of loved ones last words.
Hugs caring for all
This gave me great comfort but also great sadness but I think it will help me start getting my priorites straight.
Hugs caring for all
This is such good information. My Dad passed away years ago from cancer. I was in the room when he passed and he went quietly........but prior to this, he was talking out loud to people that he had been in the Navy with in World War II. I found the part about the eyes interesting because the nurse saw something in his eyes also and it was at that point that she said, "he's passing." Prior to that, his eyes had been closed for days. But she came in the room, he opened them...asked for a drink of water. And she was helping him with a sip when she saw something in his eyes. It was so peaceful. His breathing just stopped. My 81 year old Mother, we just put her in a nursing home last week. She is what I'm told is "actively dying." She is experiencing dementia and goes back and forth between making sense and not making sense. I found it very interesting yesterday that she kept asking me when the bus would be here to pick her up. I asked her where was she going? She said she wasn't sure, but at this moment, she is at the "Halfway Point." Those were her words.
Prayers caring for all
I have seen several family members die & found it to be peaceful & beautiful. My Dad & my husband's grandmother both new the exact dates of their deaths, and I also had a few living relatives that were visited by their loved ones at the time of their death...the neatest story is my husbands grandmother..Antonia...she became sickly shortly after Christmas. She was 94. The whole family came to say their goodby's, and she told them all that she was not going to die until Mother's day. She became well again...A few months later, she got sick again, and the family got together again, and again she said, not till Mother's day and became well again.. Antonia was very spunky & liked to slap people on their behinds & yell Yippee. It was her way of saying "hi". She also loved Jesus & was a very giving person. Well 12:00 Mother's day morning, my inlaws heard their gate open & close...it made a very loud creaking sound. My father in law went outside to check it and did not see anyone, but heard "yippee."...several thousand miles away, my husband uncle heard a tapping on his window and a yippee as well. Right after they both heard that, the phone rang & they were told my husband;s grandmother had passed....How neat is that! "The death of a saint is pleasing to God"... Psalm 116:15
Prayers caring for all
EVERY THING
I witnessed my Brother-inlaw dying. It was the most horrible experience I ever witnessed. I saw him sit straight up in his hospice medical bed and begin talking with someone, even though he acknowledged my presence, he answered when I asked if he needed anything. He fought until the very end and didnot die until my sister returned to the room. Prior to her entrance, he had taken 1 large grasp of air/breath and screemed her name. She adjusted his pillow and gave one last draw of oxgen and his eyes rolled back and then he was gone. My sister was so bitter and angry with me as if I should not have been there. Later, I sought counseling for depression.
Hugs Joanne P.B., caring for all, kpg19, sydenham, sydenham
Thank you for this. It's been a few years since I lost both parents about 9 months apart. I was there for both of them. I can relate to the idea of them wanting you to leave before they let go. My stepfather continued to fade but held on for hours as I sat by him. An orderly came in to clean him and I waited outside for about 15 minutes. When I came back in, Dad was gone. I felt so sorry for the orderly when he walked out, I hope he didn't feel like he caused it by moving Dad around...
This really tells it the way it happened. I just lost both parents. My father waited for me before he died. My mother didn't want to die and was depressed after learning she was terminal. They died just months apart at 83 and 79 years of age. We have to remind ourselves that there is no perfect death and it goes the way it goes. Take comfort that they died in a bed or at home; it could be so much worse. And, you had them in your life for as long as you did.
agan i wis i had this information when my mompassed.
Hugs caring for all
My Mother died from complications of Alzhiemer's disease. From September 16 to October 11, 2011, I was with her every evening and sometimes serveral times a day. One evening as I sat on the couch just being wit her, she looked over at me and said, "Well, what are you doing Stinker?" I laughed out loud, got up and went over by her bed to a small ottoman I had placed there so we could be on eye level and asked her back her question. She laughed and for a few minutes, it was almost as if my Mom had returned. Then she looked at me, eye level, and said, "I want you here with me." I knew what she meant. My Mother never went anywhere alone. Either I was with her or my sister when she could or a grandchild. On the afternoon I arrived to meet with the Hopsice nurse, she told me "hours". I asked her to go over what she had already done again, even though I knew it would be the same result. I then called my sister in Dallas, my daughter as she was driving home from work and my sons as they were on their way home from work. My husband came to be with me while we waited. I feel so privileged to have been able to be with her, to comfort her as best I could and talk to her. She never said anything, just held my hand as I held he'rs. Now, two months later, I'm really beginning to grieve as I've never grieved before. Tears are close to brimming over at any given time. It catches me off guard. As my sister said, we did what we were supposed to do at the time. We held it together, no unbecoming outbursts, emotions in check. That's the way Mother would have wanted. Now we each grieve for her and miss her so much. Thank you Mother.
Hugs caring for all, Joanne P.B.
To Emma, even if you do rushed things to her, it was the best thing you ever did for her. When they are in that "stage" they just want to go, it is us who hold then here. There is no quality of life anymore, just waiting for something that it is in its way. We gave morphine to my dying mother, I am though it was great! She was in that path also, and even when we want it to keep her here, she was in the way out of here, to a better place I will said. She said it herself "It is over" Why stretching something that is about to happened? Believe, they want it to go, and morphine will take away all pain and will give then peace and relax. You did good! Fell good about it! It take courage and faith. You did it! And also I did it. And I fell I did want she want. I let her go!
When is the best time to ask them if they left you anything in their will?...before or after the blue lips and cold hands and feet?...Gee, lighten up...death is just part of life and the beginning of the most beautiful journey...as long as you lived and acted accordingly. Accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour and that he is the Son of God and died and was resurrected for your sins.
Hugs horten
Prayers horten
When my Dad died in 2003, we were called to the hospital because the nurse caring for him thought the end was approaching quickly. She didn't know how stubborn my Dad could be. We stayed at his side that afternoon,evening,overnight, and through the next day's morning hours. My Mom was not in the best of health herself, and we knew it had been an exausting time for her. We spoke with the Nurse who explained that she had thought Dad would have passed on the previous day. She also said that dying is a process, and that some people hang on longer than expected. So we left the hospital after saying our final good-byes, and we all shared the feeling that as soon as we left, Dad would let go. But, his heart was strong, and he held on for 3 more days. At one point we talked about going back, but, we decided that Dad would really not want us to be there. The most important thing was that we all got to say good-bye while he was still somewhat alert. We knew that was what he wanted. That was my Dad. The last words he spoke aloud were also typically Dad. Our family was close and we shared a good sense of humor. Laughter was always a part of every conversation or gathering. We were talking quietly amongst ourselves when someone, we never could remember who, said something particularly funny. We all started to laugh, and Dad said loud and clear, "What's so funny?" He clearly wanted in on the joke and we made him smile when we related to him just exactly what we had been laughing at. He never spoke again, but, we knew he was happy , because humor had been such a big part of our family life. We were so glad that his last moments of consciousness left all of us another great memory to treasure together when the difficult times came in the days and weeks ahead. When Dad finally succumbed three days later, the Nurse asked if we wanted to come back to the hospital, but we all wanted to keep that one funny moment as our last memory of an unbelievably wonderful Husband, Dad, Grandpa,Father-in-Law, and future Grandfather -in-law to my daughter's Fiance'. Like the article said, death is inevitable and final, but, the way the dying and their loved ones deal with the end is unique,personal, and something the survivors will always remember. I know that I surely will
Prayers horten
This article was very helpful to me, even though I'm reading it after my mother has passed and is now in heaven with her husband, my stepfather. I miss her so much even though I had time to prepare for her death, I was not ready and I will never be. I am deeply saddened and have a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. I was not with her when she took her last breath and I feel guilty about that but she went peacefully. I think about that a lot and I know that she is okay and is in heaven. My life will never be the same. I love you and miss you greatly, Miss Hub.
My mother recently passed and I can't let go and really grieve. I find myself not being able to let go and really cry like I probably need to. I knew it was going to happen as she was ill for quite some time and I ended up being her caregiver. I know that she is in heaven with my stepfather and i'm conforted by this. Why can't I just let go? I found this article so true and a lot of it pertained to me and my mother's dying process.
back in the mid 70's after graduating from Nursing school, I became interested in the "dying" phase of life. Dr.Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her first book,"On Death and Dying" and I couldn't put it down till I finished reading it. She began talking to terminally ill patients and asked them many questions regarding the "stages" of dying they were going through.At that time in medical history, it was not considered "politically" correct and was frowned upon by the male members. By the time she collected the information given to her by her patients,both she and those she was caring for were in a much better mental place than before.And as a young student Nurse she gave me skills in that field where I could help my patients and their families get through the dying process in a more calm,peaceful transition. There was one thing I did notice in most of my patients 24 to 48 hours before they "passed" that wasn't mentioned in this article; that was that the colored part of their eyes began to fade around the outer edges. I would tell the families that the end was quite near.I asked if they thought that the patient may have voiced any requests that we should carry out. One daughter said that she remembered that her mother wanted to be "home" when she died. The mother was in a Nursing home at that time,so the daughter asked the staff if she could bring her home to die.They approved the request and I went to her home that night to take care of her.All the other family members came and went through out the morning and the patient passed away, peacefully in her own bedroom around lunchtime. I learned so much from my patients and their,families,and was able to heal old family wounds before the death took place.This article has been so uplifting to me,I thank you for publishing it. As my own father was in a coma and near death, my sisters,mother and myself witnessed my father raise one of his hands and slowly swept it from right to left as if to show us what a beautiful sight he was beholding.......we all turned to look but saw nothing but the blank hospital wall....He saw something far more beautiful just by the look on his face.He died the next morning. At his funeral,we celebrated his life, which more time is spent on than dying. He is in a far better place than we,and this is only a temporary separation, and we'll soon all be together again.
I was with my dad and mom when they both passed over. Dad died as I sat next to him after he collapsed into my arms. His last words were, "hold me." I wanted to keep my dad here, but his wishes were to let him go. It is still hard for me to watch him go. Mom suffered a massive stroke. She told the help in the home where she stayed she was ok, and she was going "home". The day before I mom passed, the people told me she was going. The next day I came, I stopped to talk to a nurse, and she said mom wouldn't be here long. I walked in, kissed my mom on the cheek, said I love you mom, and two breaths later she was gone. She waited for me. She and I held hands for an hour, it was hard for me to leave her, but Mom went home. It was so very peaceful and easy.
Hugs Joanne P.B., T ROD
Prayers dee143
I was the only one in the room when my Aunt Maggie died. I was watching King of the Hill and looking over at her every few minutes. At some point, I was told by God to look over at her, that this was it. I watched her take her final breath. Immediately afterward, her body glowed and the light seemed to float right through the ceiling then her body went gray and the light was gone. I walked out to the living room to tell the family and went downstairs to cry. I was huddled up on my bed crying and I clearly heard my aunt's voice tell me to stop crying and that she's in a better place now. The only real regret/misgiving I have is that I didn't get a sweet 16 party. At that time, I felt it would be far too selfish to want my birthday celebrated in light of my aunt's passing. So I never asked about it. I'm going to make up for it though. I plan on throwing myself a sweet 30 party. Unconventional, yes. But I want the rite of passage that I never had.
Having taken care of a very good friend before he passed and was there to guide him over. Many of the things listed in this article I witnessed and experienced. After my friend died; I was so changed by the experience that I went into the business of helping others. (My friend died of HIV/AIDS in 1995, when very few people were willing to even be in the same room with them, much less comfort and hold them.) I worked for almost 15 years as a Home Health Aide. and saw everyone of the points detailed above at least once. One client was very alert and moving around at 3 pm. He sat down to rest for a few minutes and feel asleep in his chair. 15 minutes later he jumped and grabbed the arms of the chair screaming. "GOD help me I'm falling." As we moved him to the bed a few feet away, he kept repeating it. He barely was in bed and had laid back onto the pillows and he was gone. Another client spoke to his deceased brother with one breath and his living relatives the next; "Passing On" words of love and regret between the two. I don't fear death now as much as I use to.
Hugs T ROD, dee143
at this time, there is many things going thru my mind, and with so little help avaliable, unable to get any assistance in helping pay for his care, it has took toll on me and my health, no one knows till they go thru it and as long as i have, it is like our Government helps people all over the world, i hear and see all these people getting help and for some reason i am just about as broke as you can get, and still no help, i just hope things get better because they can't get any worse......................just keep praying and hopeing, sometimes i think the LORD works in misterious ways, maybe it will be my turn sooner than later...amen
I am staying at my DMIL's house while she is on hospice at home. I am reading all I can on making her passing as peaceful as possible. This was very helpful to me.
I was by my wifes side when she passed away to no more suffering or pain but it was still hard to do she had been saying that there was a man in the room that was telling her she was dying she also was talking the her mom and dad who had passed away years ago. The night she died she was cheerful talking and had one of her favorite snacks french fries and a chocolate milk shake, we talked about traveling around the world taking a cruise and just enjoying life but it didn't happen I feel that she wanted me to enjoy her last minutes with her. She is missed so much by all who knew her. So just love them and make them happy and comfortable.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
I saw my mother dying and those were the steps she took. She die in peace, we were the ones(her children) who were left very sad! The article is very good and truthful! Thank you!
My mom died December 31 2009 at home with me. I brought her home on Hospice She had a stroke May 4, 2009 due to hospital error/ medication overdose(bloodthinners) she held on as long as she could.She was on life support initially and transferred to a nursing home where she got a bedsore on her foot that turned gangrenous Sepsis ended her life... The last time I talked to my mom as I knew her was May 3rd and until the moment of her death my mom didnt know me which is what I struggle with. I got to hold her as she died probably in the same way she held me when I came in this world and for my whole life I had known her to be afraid of death at that moment -though she didnt know me I am convinced she knew what was happening...It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.... She starting hyperventilating and I rushed to her side and asked if she was ok and she actually composed herself looked me in my eyes and shook her head yes(she couldnt talk or move anything but her head) then took 2 breaths and died...Its not her death its everything that led up to it. The suffering that I saw her go through I still continue to deal with daily...I miss her so much by Gods loving mercy her struggle is over. Not only did my mom bring me into this world she showed me I shouldnt be afraid to leave it either and I was afraid of death too not anymore though. I also struggled with the morphine issue and it really didnt matter it didnt touch her pain at all... I tell myself if I hadnt locked my keys in the car at the hospital and had to wait for a locksmith on the morning of May 4th maybe if I wouldve gotten upstairs to her room quicker- because I knew as soon as I walked in something was wrong maybe she would still be here...then again I look back at how everything went down and though I still dont know what the purpose was to everything all I know God had his hand on us both even when it didnt feel like it and he wouldnt have given either of us the burden if we couldnt handle it...that is the sole reasoning on why I even get out of bed everyday and I know that one day I will see her and my son and my other child...my faith in God has never wavered I know that there is a purpose for everything I dont need to understand why and when my time comes I will remember the last and best gift she ever gave me the fact that death is nothing to fear
Hugs Joanne P.B.
Prayers marlenal
My husband died 3 years ago next month. However, I did not see him die since I was out of town visiting relatives. He was only 47 and died from a heart attack, but he didn't die instantly. An ambulance took him to the hospital and as the doctors were putting stints in his heart he died. I've always wondered what he really went through at the end. I wonder if he knew he was going to die. I wonder if he was sad or at peace. He loved his kids more than anything so I think he had to be sad (and scared.). His cousin went to the hospital w/him so I guess I could ask him but I don't know if I really want to know I can only pray that he was at peace.
My Mom waited for me to get there before she left this world. In the last few years of her life, partially due to the onset of Alzheimers, we had reversed roles, and I was the Mom figure and she was my little girl. She wa sleeping peacefully, when I arrived, but I know she could hear my voice. Within ten minutes of my arrival, I think she felt safe enough to pass through the door into Heaven.
I am sorry but this thought that Pallitive Care is a good thing could not be further from the truth. I trust that for the patient who is passing that they are at PEACE and really do not know what is going on or at least to God I hope so. FOr those that of us that witness this process, no one will ever convince me that it is a good idea. To watch this process is anything but peaceful for those left to witness it and honestly I still have a problem with the Morphine as it just seems that this once vibrant life is now being treated like an animal being put to sleep. Never will accept this process and certainly hope my children do not have to withness my own demise. Please take the time to pre-pay your final expenses if possible along with a will and burial instructions. It takes a tremendous weight off your shoulders and for those left behind it makes things easier.
Finally, we can read up on the process of dying-- and be educated for when the need arises--instead of the "death culture" we are now leaving behind, where death was not discussed, and we stumbled onto just about every aspect of care. Whew!
i am a live in caregiver this is the first time i have seen death up close with a person i have been taking care of,, needed to know all the facts,, i guess he will die very soon..
Prayers lindonc
I held my baby (7 years younger than I) brother's hand in the E.R. from the time I got the family's OK to execute the Advance Healthcare Directive I held for him until they pronounced him dead. His mind was already gone - massive cerebral hemorrhage as a complication of end stage liver disease. My mother was just a few yards down the hall in ICU - stage 4 cancer. Thirty hours later I had the duty to tell my mother she was definitely terminal and then go out and fill in a blank DNR her Dr. had signed for me. When I told her she was for-sure terminal, she slumped and never again responded to me. That was Tuesday evening. Friday morning they transferred her to a hospice (none of us knew then that we could have brought her home to die in her own bed) and she was gone shortly after 1:00 pm. After getting the arrangements started, I got into my car and drove home - with my brother in a baggy in a pretty box in the floorboard behind my seat. That was Friday. They passed 3 and 1/2 days apart almost to the minute. The next day I went with my Dad to arrange her funeral - her life insurance more than covered that since my Dad was a veteran and we have a National Semetary here. Then I came home, planned, organized and scheduled her funeral service, wrote her obituary, scanned a photo of her for the obit, and tried to console my Dad. I am the eldest and the one to whom everyone looks for strength and order. My Mother has been gone 7 years. For the first 5 years, every time I dreamed of her she was angry. I know I did nothing to hasten either her death or my brother's. But I still feel I killed them. After all I am the one who executed the AHD for my brother and I am the one who broke the news to my Mother. I do not regret doing my duty but I still feel guilty. In my heart of hearts I cannot shake the feeling that they both might have survived a bit longer had I not done my duty. That does not mean that, knowing how I have felt the lest 7 years, I would do anything different. The only part of this article that seemed to have happened in my life was the "choosing when to go" part. The next day after I told my Mother she was terminal, I gathered the family and told my Mother that my brother had passed. I don't know if she heard me but it was less than 30 hours later that she was pronounced. My grandmother seems to have preferred not to have my Mother with her when she passed in '90. My Mother had been visiting her every day in the hospital after getting off work. When my Mom left she told my Grand mother "I love you, old woman" and Grandmother replied "I love you, too." Apparently she passed while my Mother was driving home - a 25 minute drive - because the hospital called shortly after Mother arrived at her home. I truly hope that there is no life after physical death. I cannot conceive of a benevolent Creator cursing sentient creations with life after death. To me an eternity of consciousness after my body stops seems like hell indeed.
Hugs Donna Mello, daddy23
Prayers raewfl
My mom passed away 20 yrs ago. She was a very bad diabetic and she had to have open heart surgery. All her arteries were closed, but one which was 1% open. During the surgery the doctor came and told my brother and me that they tried to take her off the heart & lung machine, but her heart wouldn't beat on its' own. I almost passed out and got so weak when I heard this. They had to open her back up and try again. The doctor came out and told us there wasn't any hope for her that her kidneys were shutting down and there wasn't anything they could do. It would be a matter of time and she would pass. I wanted to stay with her until the end, but my brother and the doctors and nurse said I should go and get some rest. We went back to my brother's and when the phone rang at 3:25 am, I knew she was gone. All these yrs. I have felt the guilt of not being with her when she passed. I can't shake this feeling. I have gone to counseling, but the feeling I have won't leave me. I was with my mom for 21 yrs after my dad was killed in the coal mine and she was my best friend. This article did help me some, but I am going through this with my own husband.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
This article is truthful, reassuring, and presented with no bias.
This was a very well-written article. It has a lot of good and necessary information that most people are unwilling or afraid to ask for. I especially liked how it kept pointing out the right way to react to each stage in the process. And the right way is the way that comforts the one dying, not the ones who are left behind.
Virtually all of the article was helpful. However, no one mentioned "raising their arm and pointing towards the ceiling" or similiar. I've seen this twice, and I immediately knew what it was - they were pointing at the beautiful Light of God. Both Gary (my friend) and my brother in law did this, then passed away shortly thereafter. For some strange reason, their pointing made me feel better.
Hugs barbhill, daddy23
wish I was there with my Mom :-( miss you every moment of every single day Momma love you always, xo xo xo
Hugs caring for all
Prayers maryzeee
nothing you described my wifes dying perfect because I was there when she passed thank you
Hugs maryzeee
You have answered all my questions that i have been struggling with. Thank You so much!!
I had the privilege of being with my Mother when she died and I'm so glad I was there. She had sufferered with Alzheimer's and her rapid decline at the end started on June 25 with a light stroke after many mini strokes. There was another exactly a month later and another in August. We moved her to a Nursing home in September and she died October 11. She had lost the ability to walk or to stand on her own and so was confined to bed for just less than a month. I think she may have had an awareness at the end that she hadn't had in quite some time. I think she knew I was there and would stay with her. Before she had gotten so bad, she told me in a lucid moment, she wanted me with her. Knowing my Mother as I did, I knew she wouldn't leave unless I was there holding her hand. The last words I spoke to her that I feel she heard was me telling her when she let go of my hand, God would be there to take it. And then it was over. Thank you Mother. I love you.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
Prayers maryzeee
My dad is in the final stages of his alzheimers. I see him every day and this article was very helpful. I was with my husband when he passed away. This time its different. I'm loaded with lots of memories mostly good going back to my childhood. thank you. joan in chicago this website is a blessing.
Hugs barbhill
Prayers Joanne P.B.
Yes this was something about which I know little. I am in my 60's and am dealing w/ bad health.
Hugs barbhill
Prayers maryzeee
I'm the one dieing this will help my wife with my passing
Hugs elfie, sadly content, dee143
Prayers maryzeee, Joanne P.B., dee143
I was experiencing deep guilt about not being with my mother upon her last breath. I was keeping a strict vigil by her bedside & the morning she passed, her personal aide kept whispering in her ear to "hold on & wait for Sue"...which I found very sad. I kept thinking...was she waiting for me? Did I let her down? My mom died 2 years ago & I am still reeling from this profound sadness of letting her down. She died alone.
Hugs barbhill, Joanne P.B., raewfl, daddy23
Prayers maryzeee
My mother is in the later stages of alzheimer's. She is 90 years old and has lived with me for the last 4 1/2 years. She is totally dependent on me for everything. I am sure she will pass at home and I was happy to find an article that helps prepare me for what lies ahead for us. I have witnessed my fathers passing and also my 7 year old grandson. It is never easy to say farewell to our loved ones but it helps knowing that their journey is just beginning into a new and wondrous place,
Hugs raewfl
Prayers Joanne P.B., maryzeee
To Just My Opinion, I was glad to read that your mom was okay with you staying even though she initially tried to get you to leave. Your experience resonates with me, interests me, fascinates me and to some degree frightens me. You see that is one of the things that frightens me about my death whenever it comes. I am 62 and my health is pretty good I guess although I recently had an unnerving conversation with a heart specialist. I have been having SVT's (supra ventricular tachycardia) which feel horrible but its an electrical problem in the heart, its just a matter of getting rid of that misfiring thing, whatever it is so its certainly not a terrible diagnosis. But the last time (twice I have gone) I had an attack I was taken to the ER by ambulance. The attack was over and the racing heart dealt with by the parimedics however they convinced me I should go to the ER anyway. I really didn't think I needed to but I did. The first time I had an attack they decided I didn't need to stay in hospital and I got to go home so I figured this would be the same but this time they recommended I be admitted. I was not, I left against medical advice because of a responsibility at home which the doctor disagreed with but anyway. I did go see a heart specialist as recommended and it was a mixed blessing conversation. He downplayed the SVT, not that it can't be very disturbing, frightening, etc. and feel very like a heart attack with chest tightness, chills, jaws aching, etc. and said it can be dealt with by a procedure call ablation which sounded okay to me, not a horrible procedure it seems. But then he said the blood test they took after the last SVT attack (they took one the first time too which no one said anything about really except it is a way to find indications of a heart attack having occurred. So I guess it must have been okay. The second time was different because the doctor / heart specialist I saw later on my own said there was a slight indication I might have had a heart attack but he said it could be nothing too. Obviously if it was a heart atttack that would mean I guess at least some damage done to my heart and so the fear of another attack. I have to have some tests done so he can try to determine if there is a problem besides the electrical SVT thing. So thats next week. It's scary to have experienced outwards signs that verify you are, like everyone else, wearing out. It brings home the unavoidable truth that whether its tomorrow, next week, next year or years from now - the time / end is unavoidable So as I said your experience resonates because I worry when the time comes about my children and in my mind I imagine them being with me. I told my older son that I want the last sight I see on this earth, the last sounds I hear, and the last words on my lips will be about them, their names, neither is in a really good spot right now as far as succeeding with either jobs or marriage. I keep having these thoughts, memories of my older son, my first born and how I was so naive, uneducated, stupid really not at all knowing what I was to do with this perfect little baby boy when I went home from the hospital. And now I see that little boy has turned into a grown very fine man and I realize another thing I didn't "know" was that someday, barring calamity or accident, he will be with me when I leave just as I was here with him when he came. I fear being separated from him, I fear for my children's welfare and though there is not much I can do to help them financially, emotionally I am here for them and will always be in their corner throughout life. I cannot bear the thought of leaving them, of never seeing them again. Which is a bit silly I guess because when we die our bodies and thus our minds I guess are no longer "us" and we won't know we are dead. But WHAT IF, what if we have it wrong, and a part of us is still inside our body and our mind. That is why I have said I want to be cremated as I hate the dark and the cold gloom of underground like a damp cellar. I think I am making too much of this but at the same time it is nothing that someone can say, "oh, its probably nothing". SOMEDAY it will be something so those placating statements eventually fail. I fear/dread I greive for never seeing my children again. They are the two people who I have managed to be close to above all and I do not like goodbyes. So that is why your telling of your situation with your mother is important to me. It gives me another way of seeing things although no one knows the details, it could be from an accident and not "age" at all. But thank you for sharing and giving details which sound a bit more not frightening, I need thoughts like that.
Hugs Trellisa, barbhill, daddy23
So many books and articles I have read seem to deal with the stages and process of dying (all the way back to Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying). It was good to read from the "experiential" point-of-view.
I was blessed to be with my mother when she died. She was fully aware and had been worried about my being there. She tried to get me to leave "while there was still time" but when I told her I was staying she was at peace with that. We were inches apart looking deeply into each other's eyes. I watched a light come into her eyes that I knew was not her "light" and I watched the two lights leave together, almost but not quite merged. It was light watching a flash light dimming in a dark tunnel as it gets further away and around a corner. I knew she left and I knew she was going to a beautiful place and she was glad for it.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
PLease know that they will pass the way they need too. Sometimes Dads try to protect us and wait for us to leave before passing. It is his way and we need to honor that and not feel guilty. My thoughts and prayers go out to you as I know the feeling of guilt. I too went through the same thing. Just know that is the way he wanted it.
Hugs kcsummer
It mirrors what happened to me with my father, exactly. It was a relief to see that others tried to be there at the end as well but, like me, were not because of leaving for just a few short minutes. I too felt guilty like I had let my father down. There is strength in numbers, it helps to know others felt the same way.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
This is an amazing site,Hadn't seen it before..and just had to share my experience with everyone else here,My husband of 25 yrs passed in 2003 after blunt force trauma to his head,liver and spleen,Murdered actually but my family was the kind when people are in the hospital they go and sit for hrs on end with them and my husband never failed to tell me when someone was sick that "They need their rest,That's why they're in the hospital and they didn't need me taking their oxygen because they're sick LoL So when my husband was in the trauma center after he was attacked they told us to prepare and call the family in,we did and the nurse comes in and tells us to go get coffee or something so she can clean his bed etc...when we get back she comes out and tells me I can go back in the room and when she pulled the curtain out to let me enter I noticed a nurse rolling up his tubes and the nurse said,"Cathy,It's time,say Goodbye" and I'm sure you all can relate to how that moment really is but what helped me more than anything in this entire world at that time was what the nurse told me afterward,She said the second we all left his heartbeat slowed down and she felt he had waited for us to leave and I knew at that very second he knew what was happening the whole time and I'm so thankful she told me that!
Hugs sadly content
yes I have a better perspective in the way my Mom passed alhtough it is still a very painful memory for me 6 months later...I miss you Mom-Always xo xo
It is a valid reflection of my experience and is very informative.
My father died of cancer when I was 12. My mother had done her best to hide the fact that his illness was terminal and in many ways I suppose I didn't want to believe it so i didn't challenge it. As a result his death came as a shock and, while I understand my mother was trying to protect me, I've always been bitter that I didn't have the chance to say goodbye and to make sure he knew just how much I worshipped him. 30 years later the void he left still hasn't been filled, I just had to learn to live life without him. If you are faced with the same choice, I ask you to consider letting your children say goodbye. This won't be the right thing for everyone, so don't let me push you, just have a think about it.
Hugs Joanne P.B., caring for all
Hospice became involved today with my mom who is dying, She has sepsis , conjestive heart failure retum failure, back issues, feeding tube ostomy bag blood and staff infections she lost 3 toes the two more toes and finally her leg she has live din the hospital most of this year. i took care of her for 4 1/2 months. she is being heavily sadted. she doesn't want any of us around her watching, we want to be there for her, shes going to be gone any day now. im having a hard tme dealing with this.
I stayed with my Dad day and ight while he was dying. I wanted to hear every word he had to say and have him know he was never alone. I left for the store while other family was with him and I missed his last moments. I can't let go of that, but understand the writing that maybe he didn't want to pass with me with him. I took his passing much harder than my Mom's, who we also had the privilege of being with in her last two weeks of life.
Thank you for this article about the end. I think it helps to understand what may be coming your way. In the end everyone is different and yet the same and those left behind still have to handle their grief.
thank you so much for this information
As a former employee in the death-care industry and someone who has witnessed the end of both close family members and others, I have always been amazed at the spirituality of that final moment. In every case I have witnessed, and been informed of, both the deceased and the living seem to experience an intense spiritual moment. I am very grateful to have had that experience, and it has given me a sense of calm in regards to my time, as well as the enhanced ability to help others through the hours following that final goodbye. Thanks for the article, very accurate to my experience, and helpful.
I only wish I had read this article six years ago when my precious mom died...I would have handled it differently. I will pass it on to those that need to read this when the time comes...thank you.
I was my Mom's caregiver for four years before she passed away (October 2010) She was my 100% responsibility. My brother and sister both live out of town so it was just the two of us. When her end was near they came to be with her. My brother and I were holding her hands and I was telling her it's ok that we would be ok, that we were there with her and that we loved her. And just then she let out her last breath. She had been in a simi coma state most of that last day but I knew she could hear us. She said she wanted to die at home and she didn't want to be alone. And that's the way it was for her. The day after her funeral everyone went home. I was left in her home to pack all of her possessions by myself. It was difficult being in her home, alone. And even harder to put everything she loved so much into boxes. I lasted three months in her home and I knew then it was time for me to go. I'm doing better now. But I was suffering terribly with her death. I think if I had had someone there with me my suffering would not have been as great. I lost my husband when I was 44 to a trucking accident. He left for work and never came home. I lost a brother in that same year as well. I don't know how I got through it. Faith I'm sure.
Hugs solveig, Joanne P.B.
Prayers daddy23
This is a great article. When my mom had an aneurysm in Dec. 2004, she was rushed to the hospital and had open heart surgery. I couldn't make it there for a few weeks, but my sister & brother-in law were there along with my step dad. Everyone, including me, thought she was on her way to recovery. She had told my step dad that .she was very exited for my arrival & that God had great plans for her. The day I arrived was Jan 22nd, 2005. I got to visit w/ her, but that night she died in my arms. I think she loved me so much, that she waited until I got there to say goodbye to me....I am still grieving.
Hugs solveig, Joanne P.B.
My mom was in hospice care the last 3 days of her life. At first, she was arousable, but slowly became comatose. She was able to know that my sister and her son [Mom's grandson] were there from Ohio. She was recieving morphine occasionally but had not had any for hours. I was there, just the two of us, and I was putting cream on her face. She took her last breath, and that was all. It could not have been more peaceful, and I am grateful
I was lucky enough to be with each of my parents when they died, sitting with them and holding their hands. They both died after long illnesses, and in both cases, dying was a very peaceful event, at least as far as I or anyone else there could tell; it was like watching a clock run down - they were unconscious, and their breathing just got slower and slower until finally they never took the next breath. In the case of my stepdad, George, he held on until one of my brothers, Dave, who was living in Puerto Rico, was able to get here and see him. Once they'd visited a while Dave went to check into his hotel, and George died while Dave was doing that. We had wonderful relationships - I considered my mom and stepdad among my best friends from about age 12 on - and both times (in 2000 and 2003) my employers let me juggle my schedule so I could spend a lot of time with them near the end. I enjoy life, but I don't fear death - I am agnostic and don't know what if anything to expect, but I'm okay with it.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
Its very helpful for me all these articles on dying, how to deal with families reluctance to believe that crps1 is going to kill me via secondary diseases which l now have already suffered a heartattack 2 yrs ago. also required onfgoing plastic surgery for ulcers which have been f=dangerously too close to gangrene & several bouts of osteomyelitus that is blood poisoining!!! i've had too many ulcers which 2 have taken long periods to rercover. Also have a weakened immune system due in part to lymphoedema. l have had 3 surgeries with intrathecal pumps of which yhe last one was showing throughthe scar enough to sse the metal showing between the the last thid pump l had 2 LOTS OF GOLDEN STAPH TWICE, including the CAETHER BEING FRACTURED THEN REPLACED& MOVED UP HIGHER TO CATCH MY DISEASE TO FURTHER REQUIRE SURGERY for CSF Cebral Spinal Fluid LEAKING RATHER GUSHING OUT OF MY BACK WOUND FROM THE SPINAL CAETHER which required FURTHER SURGERY TO MY LAMINA. AFTER ALL THIS , my pump was removed as l stated above but 24 hrs after removal l had a CODE BLUE. ALSO l sufffer from gord gastro refluxal osephagus disease, gastroparesis which requires between 8-12x weekly gastrocopies to stretch th oesphagus &dilatation, fassly losing weight because unable to eat. l have been told l might have to have a feeding tube inserted into me but would die due to the circumstances & also have my podiatry done every 6-8 weeksfor both feet & skin care due to exteme hypersensitivity! ln fact l have a fungal disease growing over my leg that my specialists including my professor has said there is no more we can do for you but keep treatments going but your'e in pallative care as you will die due to anyone of these complications, also i faint & collaspe is something even remotely touches my skin due to exteme hypersensitivity !!! So provding people llike me with these invisible illnesses is extemely helpful. words just don't do it justice the comfort l get out of receiving emails.
Prayers Joanne P.B.
My Dad died 3 months ago. The wonderful hospice workers told us that he didn't have much time left. On his last day, I talked with him at length during the afternoon and told him it was okay to go because my husband and my brother would be there to take care of me and I would be okay. I needed for him to know that because he was always there to help me when I needed it. My brother couldn't make it to the hospice until that evening. My Dad hung on until he got there. About 40 minutes after my brother arrived and told him he loved him, my Dad was gone. I truly believe he waited to die until my brother could be there to say good-bye. I am so glad we were both able to be with him when he took his last breath -- I know that's what he wanted.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
Yes, when my father died we were all around him. He was snoring loudly in his sleep. He tried to wake up but was in a deep sleep. He was on Morphine. His kidneys had shut down and he had Congestive Heart Failure. His body filled with water. There was nothing they c ould do for him. When we left the room at 9:45 by 10 pm he was dead. He was talking in his sleep but we did not know who he was talking to. When I went back upstairs I opened his eyes which were filled with water and rolled back in his head. They had unplugged the heart monitor. We must keep in mind John 5:28,29 and Rev. 21:3,4. I know I will see him again.
This article was very helpful and very true. I can relate to almost everything in it as I witnessed my parents crossing over......Thank you for this wonderful article.
thanks for sharing this article. I witnessed my mothers death nearly 5 months ago. I had been away nearly 30 years when I got the call that she needed help. I dropped everything and immediately responded, suprisingly since i had always thought of myself as being selfish. I worked tirelessly 24/7 to care for her, sacrificing almost everything- a tribute to how she raised me that I had forgotten. this article helped me to understand why i feel ok, despite a few tears at the funeral and are not in deep sorrow like some of my siblings. during her care, i left no stone unturned, 2nd opinion from doctors, keeping her as happy as possible, giving her everything she wanted or needed as possible. I realized from this article that I process things differently and had been grieving all along- giving her the best that I have. Once I realized that we could not control her life but could control how she lived her last days, that was my focus. my mother could be manipulative and showed me a part of her that i never knew existed, yet my Higher Power and friends gave me the strength to carry on. honor your parents is what we were taught as children. It was a difficult time that taught me my inner strength- i miss her and initially almost regretted exposing my 5 yr old to the situation as she and my mother adored each other. most of my energy has beed focused on making sure my 5 yr oId is ok- i feel fine but have been in a state of stagnation almost unable to move forward- today and after reading this article, i can bring closure to certain events and feel a new sense of empowerment; in fact, I found this article while looking for a job, a task that I had found to be difficult up until today- thanks for helping me to start living again!
Yes
I found everthing to be as it was when my Mom passed in October.
I don't mean to hog the thread - but I wanted to elaborate on something I wrote about my cousin (the one who was doting on my mother) Her mother and my mother were sisters - and they both had IPF. My aunt passed away in 2009. My cousin went into a "shell" of sorts for over a year - until she heard that my mother was not doing well. She rushed to the hospital and was there for the entire last day. Not only that - she called my brothers (who had been estranged from my mom for years) and got them to call mom and my youngest brother hopped in his car and began the 10 hour drive. He didn't make it in time, but I know it was a comfort for mom to know he tried. My wonderful cousin took all that she knew and had gone through and she gifted it to me, my kids, my siblings, my dad and everyone else who was around. Without her love and guidance, I don't think we would have all survived moms passing. We all said goodbye and we all assured mom that, in time, we'd be OK again. I wish you all the best and hope that you find comfort and peace somehow. Wherever our loved ones are, I know they are loving us and guiding us through this site. As my cousin has proven - helping someone else cope with their loss and grief can be a great help to ourselves. {{Huggz}} to ALL of you!
I lost my father 18 months before my mother died they were elderly. I was in the US and they lived in the UK. I was able to process my grief for my father because he had been such a kind man throughout my growing up. But I've had a terrible time processing the grief and still feel for my mother. I felt unloved by her and that's what my dad was doing by showing me twice as much love. She was just different and had lost the people she had loved most when quite young so now I think it was a wall she built to protect herself. After my father's funeral and as I was leaving to return to the US I had to say goodbye at the gate and pass through security. I looked back at her and we held on to each other with our eyes for as long as we could, we both knew we would probably never see each other again in our lifetime. I can't begin to describe the "knowing" it was almost unbearable. She had loved me very much but it seemed that we were at each end of a dense forest and had spent out lives looking to find each other. There we so many things that had hurt me as a young child and I'd found it so hard to forgive, and then I realised too late that I'd taken the bridge of regret and not the bridge of forgiveness. I now realise how my resentment robbed us of the last few years we could have spent loving each other.and it feels like I'm going to spend the rest of my life on the wrong bridge.
Hugs Krys, Joanne P.B.
I am dying it will help me to plan
My husband was in a coma for 5 days and the day he left he woke up and said Hon I've got to go. He said it over and over he told all 20 of his family that was at his bed side that he loved them and even to a grand daughter, on the phone who was out of town and then he went very peacefully. Thank you Jesue for this.
Hugs Krys
I was present in October of 1992 when Daddy drew his final breath and again with Mama in December of 2010. Neither was easy for me but I knew it mattered to them that we cared enough to be there. With each passing, we told them it was ok for them to go and that we would be ok. Mother's passing was easier but we were better informed and the morphine was a terrific help for her. Her breathing simply became slower and slower until she breathed no more. Daddy struggled a bit more but I know someday I'll see them again. Daddy's (always an avid fisherman) final words were, "I'm crossing the river." I do believe he was and I'm hoping his beloved brother and fishing partner was there to meet him. Mama suffered from dementia so there was no coherent communication with her the final year of her life. I care for her in my home and I know she was as comfortable and comforted as we could make her. I'm childless so I know my own passing will not be in the peaceful loving environment under which they passed. But it is only a passage to another life so the momentary discomfort will be rewarded.
There were about 8 of us in the room the night my mom passed away (August 27th, 2010) She'd been in Hospice care for a mere 2 hours. My cousin had just been at her bedside remarking about how the color/temperature in her feet was good and asking mom if she was comfy. Mom replied affirmatively. I had just begun reading the Hospice book on dying, someone had just told a (family type) joke and the room was full of laughter - when I looked up and noticed my mom's chest had not risen in a while. They told us a minute can sometimes go by without seeing any - but that minute had come and gone. I called out "Mom?" and nothing. No response, no sudden rise of her chest. The nurse walked in at that moment with her morphine - and I said "I think she's gone." He listened to her chest and also checked for a pulse in her carotid artery... and there was none. He said "Yes, she's passed on." Even though I had known for hours this was coming - I was not prepared. My denial was THAT deep - that I thought a miracle would bring her back to us again. I went to her and kissed her forehead - and was shocked that she was already cold. I felt awful that I really didn't want to touch her now. My momma was always so warm - and now she was ice cold! I asked the nurse for scissors and cut some hair from the back of her head for a keepsake. I then broke down and cried for hours - and days - and weeks. I am glad I was there for her - but wish I had been up holding her hand when she passed. I wish I could have given her back a small portion of the comfort she gave me my whole life. I love you momma. RIP. Sue McVeigh - 10/3/41-8/27/10
Hugs songstress, Joanne P.B.
Your articles are all helpful. My mom died 9 months ago. We had not be what I would call close throughout my life. There was always some sort of anger or resentment there with each of us. When my only sibling (who had been very close to her) died a few years ago, I had a great deal of dread knowing I would be going through her death on my own. But it all went well for both of us. And I am honored to have been there for her.
Nearly 9 months after my mother's death, i have been experiencing an emotional meltdown this weekend. This article helped me process some of the guilt I have being feeling about being away from her bedside in the last 5 minutes of her life. I saw her take her last breath, but not the breath before that. How crazy is that! I had been her caregiver for 6 difficult years. Now I don't remember the difficulty...just the loss.
I've never seen anyone die, and the prospect of my own demise has made me fearful, just in the past year, so I've been reading everything I can find about others' deaths to make myself more accepting. To make things more complicated, my own 39 yr old daughter was in the hospital these past 6 weeks and nearly died (twice). I was astonished by the fact that she accepted her seeming "fate" and had convinced herself that everyone did not need her any more and woud be fine without her (even her 4 yr old daughter!). It really helps to see that, for most, death seems to be a welcome end to this adventure we call life and an entrance into another, even more peaceful and wonderful adventure.
Hugs Krys
I agree with everything on the article. I have to mention that the hospice nurse (they are SO helpful!!) had told us that often at the end they may have Respiratory stress and that a little morphine would help her be more relaxed. When the last 5-10 minutes came, her husband was next to her and I was at the other end of the room; since he had not spent much time with her I felt he needed that and I did not want to disturb him. I've always felt a little "guilty" that I did not remember to give her a little morphine, because those lalst 5-10 minutes of respiratory stress where very difficult for her.
Hugs Krys