Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can unfold in many ways. Unfortunately, well-intentioned onlookers -- dubbed "grief police" by grief expert Robert Neimeyer, professor of psychology at the University of Memphis -- often say things that mistakenly imply to the bereaved that there's a "right" way to grieve.
Consider these all-too-common grief myths:
Myth #1: It's possible to cry too much.
Everyone grieves differently. There's no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, yearning, and other aspects of the transition of adjusting to the death of a loved one. Intense responses are sometimes seen as "losing control," when in fact they're simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.
Myth #2: If you don't cry now, it'll be worse later.
Some people never cry. Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren't everyone's grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer. This doesn't mean they're grieving less intensely than a visibly shaken individual, or that they loved the person who died any less. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional block or problem or will face a longer, more difficult adjustment to the loss.
Myth #3: Grief is something you "get over."
Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as "acceptance" or "resolution" or "healed" as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.
Myth #4: Time heals slowly but steadily.
Time is the commodity through which a grieving person sorts through the effects and meaning of a loss. But that process isn't a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun. Grief is a chaotic roller coaster -- a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional slam. Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare and fade for years or decades.
Myth #5: Grieving should end after a set amount of time.
Ignore oft-quoted rules of thumb that purport to predict how long certain types of grief should last. A downside to six-week or eight-week bereavement groups, says Sherry E. Showalter, a psychotherapist specializing in grief and the author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life, is that at the end of the sessions, people mistakenly expect to be "better" (or their friends expect this). "Everyone tells me the same story: 'I failed Grief 101,' because they still feel pain," Showalter says. "We grieve for a lifetime, because we're forever working to incorporate the death into our own tapestry of life."
Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part slogging along -- a bit like learning how to live.
I lost my precious Dad and husband within 6 months of each other. The grief of losing my Dad paled in comparison to the loss of my husband, best friend.. I'm 19 months out now from the loss of my husband....I have gotten back to a normal. Not the old normal, by any stretch, but a new normal. I have always tried to be happy in any circumstance. This was killer. I felt like I couldn't breathe for 6 months. I do miss them so..
Hugs Loving husband
This is a really great article! In my ignorance I have believed many of the myth's and have said the wrong thing trying to help others through their grief. As I live with the loss of a husband, father and most recently my mother, I am finally seeing that it's not something I will ever 'get over', but it is something I can learn to live with, and "weave into the tapestry of my new life". I have never been a big crier, so I'm delighted to learn that I'm still normal, and that it doesn't mean I didn't care. Thanks so much for this site and the sharing that happens here. It has truly been a big help.
Hugs Loving husband
my husband of 33 years is now in the last stages of alzheimers. He sleeps 20 hours a day, still eats well and is in a really good space. I miss him dreadfully, but have "those moments" and he still loves my kisses. I have already grieved a lot, but know that afterwards it will be more intense. I read a really helpful book on grieving, which is really helpful and puts everything in perspective so you know you are OK and that what is happening is normal, which takes some fear away.
I didn't know I was grieving the "loss" of my closest friend. I now know I am grieving her loss, and she is still alive but isn not there anymore. It is so sad. But this article helps me.
That grief is something to "get over with", that we grieve for a lifetime .......
I lost my father four days before my 21 st b day. I had a four n two yr old. My dad raised me since i was 4 by himself. Almost 11 yrs of not handeling this death that was unexpected ( massive heartattack) i got involved with a 20 yr old guy. There was a bad nightmare he ended up in jail. He was out for three days during which we got engaged. He was rearrested and less than 24 hrs later he died. The jail tried to put off a scam saying it was suicide attempt but he was murdered. Knowing what i do right before he was rearrested, video tapes reports etc show it wasnt possible to b suicide. Im still not able to work through issues about my dad let alone this to. Your information on what to say n not say to a grieving person is very true
I appreciate seeing in black and white that everyone grieves differently and that there is no "right way". Thank you.
Helpful in that it de-rails all the "shoulds" about handling loss.
This is a very good article and is right on the money. My wife Patty has been gone for over two years and although I very seldom outwardly mourn by crying, the pain that I feel everyday in my heart will always be a part of my being and life. We were together for over 33 years and practically everything I do, think about or speak about brings to mind a memory of a moment of the time that God blessed us with together. When you truly love someone with all of your heart and soul, there is no time limit on the mourning process because that love continues to inhabit your heart for the rest of your life, here and beyond.
Prayers Chriscurly
Simply worded advice on a daily subject.
Yes it was because I have beem to a lot opf wakes over the years.I must say that I was always nervous when thinking of what to say lor do
All are helpful
My Dad died in 1986, and I still feel very sad whenever I think about his final days. I know my Mom will never get over it.
Hugs mailbag, Loving husband
I was happy to find out that my not being able to cry was not unusual. I thought I was a wierdo and others would think I didn't love my husband who Iost 6 weeks ago. His cancer diagnosis and his death were 10 days apart. I thank God for the people from hospice that allowed him to die at home and with part of his family around him. Thank again for these articles.
I agree with Rick D. Our culture doesn't accept death or celebrate life for that matter the way many others do. I have elderly parents and often find myself anticipating the inevitable. We have to embrace life in the moment and be grateful. God bless hospice workers who truly are our unsung angels. A very helpful article.
very helpful article, good to read when there is no pending death as well as when in grief. if the subject was more in the open,more in discussion by the media who so greatly influence the way we live, the fear may be diminished of what is inevitable. i often think when grieving, to who do we grieve for,thee or me? pallative care is another subject that only gets small space in the medias world. hospice workers are unsung angels in the last stages of life. the more the subject of death,or passing, or whatever term is used will help us all if there is the courage to talk about. the way sex and all it's manifastations came to be common subjects of talk,the way we end life also can be acceptable.
Most helpful for me was the concept that grieving is a chaotic lifetime process, involving periods of sadness and pain which revisit all our life, and thus is never "finished."
Hugs mailbag
Think this is very good and will help a lot of people.
I still grieve. They say I'm living in the past, but as the article says, it's part of my tapestry. It will always be.
Hugs cjnewma, rick d, Chriscurly
Everyone grieves differently and individuals should be allowed to find their own way through the grief process.
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I felt some help after reading the article, have printed it out and will read it often.
I guess I'm the odd ball. I lost my grandfather 17 years ago, when I was 9. He was more of a father to me than my own father was (his son). He was someone I adored more than anyone on the planet, and I was devastated when he died of lung cancer. Which to me, seemed very sudden. We were the best of buddies, and he took me everywhere with him. Like his little side-kick. I was his first grandchild, and a girl, and so of course he spoiled me rotten. After he died, my family went through trauma after trauma because my father was/is an alcoholic. It seemed like my home life spun out of control, and I no longer had him there to protect me. Through the years I have thought of him often. What he would think about decisions I've made, wondering what he might say about my friends, and wanting him to meet my fiance. I know he would be proud of me. Still yet, I can't think of him without crying. Now that my grandmother (his wife) is dying, my already absurd grief over him has re-emerged and I still feel so sad. More so over his death than my own grandmothers current situation. I just don't get it. I think the fact that I was a child when he died, and I felt so robbed makes it harder to deal with as an adult. And time has actually made my grief worse. As each year passes, I just feel like he has missed so much of me growing up. It's painful, and it sucks. I've had other deaths in my family, including a suicide two years ago and nothing has ever hurt as bad as the loss of my grandfather. I deal with it, but on certain days, I can sob like it just happened. I understand that life goes on, but I also understand that grief really has no rules and no timeline.
Hugs rick d, Chriscurly, Rosy Day
Prayers Alexi
I lost a 9 year old son almost 7 years ago and still find periods of grief. I have found that I no longer cry everyday, but have found my new normal in life. It has been a long journey, but for the sake of my remaining child, I have and still am moving forward. Some do not understand how I can still be sad and at times unmotivated by life, but I just do the very best I can!
Hugs rick d
This is an excellent article. My 21 yo son lost his dad (my ex) suddenly almost a year ago and we both grieved differently. For me, it truly surprised me how deeply I grieved since we'd been divorced for years, he'd remarried and I was engaged. However, we'd become friends and great co-parents and his loss left a huge hole in me. A year later I still have periods of waves of griefs... they are shorter and don't pull me under as deeply. Then in June, my fiance's ex began a battle with cancer, a battle she lost Jan 22, 2010. When she was diagnosed, I grieved for what I knew he would also go through... and he is now going through. But an interesting and miraculous thing has happened... his heart has re-opened is once again fully present with life and love, something he had partially shut down during their divorce. Allowing himself to feel how much he loved her, even though he choose to divorce her, has brought the shine back into his spirit. We love you Michael... we love you Lisa.
Hugs rick d
Very helpful info, i just lost my mother and this made things seem 'normal". thanks Donna