People often adhere to a code of conduct about the end of life that's just not rooted in common sense or reality -- especially when it comes to how to talk to someone who's dying, in their final days or hours. Hospice nurse Maggie Callanan, who has attended more than 2,000 deaths, wrote her book Final Journeys: A Practical Guide for Bringing Care and Comfort at the End of Life in order to take on these myths:
Myth: Don't cry in front of the dying.
They know you're sad. Having the courage to bare your emotions gives the dying person permission to be candid about his or her own feelings. Your tears are evidence of your love. And they can also be a relief to the person, telegraphing that you understand what's happening.
Myth: Keep the children away.
People often steer kids away from death so they'll remember the person in a good light and not be frightened. But most kids do well with simple explanations of what's happening; facts are usually less scary than their vivid imaginations. By cordoning off a child from a natural part of life, you also deprive the dying person of a beloved, comforting presence.
Myth: Don't talk about how you expect your life will change after the dying person has passed away.
It's not like they'll feel left out. You can be sure the dying person is thinking about your life after his or her death -- people are often deeply concerned about this. It's reassuring to hear that loved ones will look after one another.
Myth: If you don't deal with death well, it's OK to stay away.
Some people excuse themselves from visiting a dying person with phrases like, "I hate hospitals" or "I want to remember X the way she was." This is saying that your discomfort is more important than the dying person's final needs.
"You have a responsibility," Callanan says. "If someone has played a positive part in your life, that person deserves your attention as his or her life is ending. I've seen too many devastated people dying too sadly, waiting for someone who never came."
The nurse's advice to visit dying if they have been important to you was informative as I've stayed away out of consideration of their strength, believing it best to insure family and dying person have use of remaining energy. Afraid I'll still have problems w/this. Unless it involves my immediate family, I just never know what to do. Thanks for the article. Tony Tiger
MY MOTHER DIED IN MAY AND I HELP THAT ALL YOUR MYTHS WERE WHAT PEOPLE TOLD US THOUGH WE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ANYONE AND DID IT HOW WE WANTED TO
I'm sorry that I didn't see my mother's passing away. On the other hand, I believe she liked to be alone during the last moments. Also,what is the minimum age that we can let a youngster see the dying grand-mother , the person that usually is at home most of the time during the up bringing of the child?
My brother and I (13 and 10 yo) were shoved into the kitchen when my dear grandfather died. I was scared to death and felt soo alone! I could not visit my mom in hospice (which was in FL and I in WI) the 4 days she was there and suddenly passed as I was unable to leave because of my alcoholic husband. It will haunt me forever! Because of this, her sisters and brother will not even talk to me.
amen
i agree as im going tho this end of life'' with my hubby of 52 ys,
I had the honor of being present when both of my parents died. With Father there were in the room when He passed. When Mother passed it was her and I. I sang old hymns to her and told Her it was ok to go. She gently slid into eternity They were moments in time that I would never give back. And I thank God that I was able to be there.
The simple fact that letting someone know how the other feels. I do believe that children should be aware of what is or may take place, rather than they themselves be terrified of death. Let that person know who is passing that it is alright to "let go". Sometimes someone will hang on until a certain family member shows up, it doesn't always happen, or that particular person gets there to late. Again I do feel that you should tell the person who is passing, that you love them, shed your tears, tell them how you feel but also tell them its "okay". Nobody likes to see someone suffer, it is hard to let go but at least the person who is passing knows that you are able to handle it, again dont' try to be the hero and show no tears, this person knows how you feel. Let them go in peace just knowing that you are saying you love them and its okay.
I was told,in 1996,that i was going to die,so i blockedit,out of my mind,in denial.And,it worked,the power,of the mind,is Amazing.if you say,to yourself you are going to die,i believe,you ,will! This thought process,has saved,my life more,than once!FACT
I like the inferrence "Your discomfort is more important than the dying person's need. This applies to all the so called old friends who never visit an alzheimer's patient. Their feelings come first!
THIS SHOULD BE PART OF THE TRAINING FOR ALL HOSPITAL PERSONEL. THEY DON'T THINK THAT THE PATIENT IS HEARING ANYTHING. THEY TALK TO THE FAMILY IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT. ANY TALK ABOUT ANYHING SHOULD BE DONE OUT OF THE HEARING RANGE OF ANYONE DYING. ANY FIGHTING SHOULD NEVER BE DONE AT THIS TIME.
Hugs Brainwashed
This really helps support the way I teach on this topic when I hold my certification classes in 'Touch Therapy for the Terminally Ill'.
Mac also woke up the last 10 mins and told every single person that he loved then and then he said Hon I have to go.
My husband's entire family was by his side for 5 days while he was in a coma. We all took care of all of his needs. It was a very specal time that I will remember for ever. He remained in our home for 4 hours after he had passed. It was very special. The grandchildren 7 years and up loved on him the entire time. We were married 47 years and it was so wonderful to have all of my family with me. I will be forever greatful to all of them and to Hospice of the Valley for as long as I live. God Bless you all.
Prayers Brainwashed
I believe these are excellent myth busters and deal with the reality and feelings of the person dying and the future psychological state of the person(s) remaining. You only get one chance at these things. Very meaningful is the final myth and the call to conscience of asking "if your discomfort is more important than the dying person's needs". Isn't it alright to tell the person dying you don't know how to do the visit well? These farewells are about being human, not perfect and not fearless, just human.
i just went through the loss of a friend of 20+ years. Her daughter had me thrown out of her room. I wasn't there at the time she died. her grandson age 12 & 15 also were not allowed to be there. her daughter should have read this.
When my dad was dying, he was in a coma, and the doctor said he would probably not last 24 hours. His eyes were closed, so we knew he couldn't see us, and we did not think he could hear us. But, the hospice nurse said each person should take a few minutes alone with him, and tell him good-bye and tell him in was OK to go. I took my turn, holding his hand and telling him goodbye. Then, I began to sing to him his favorite hymn, but could hardly sing because I started crying. When I cried, he began to cry, too. Tears were pouring down the sides of his face. I had never seen him cry before. Such a tender and priceless moment! He knew I was there! He died the next morning.
A few years ago, when my dad was dying and he was in a coma, the doctor told us he would probably not last 24 hours. His eyes were closed, so we knew he couldn't see us, and we did not think he could hear us. But, the hospice nurse said each person (my mom, brothers, and our children) should take a few minutes alone with him, and tell him good-bye and tell him in was OK for him to go. I took my turn to sit beside his bed, hold his hand, and tell him goodbye. When I began to sing his favorite hymn, I could hardly sing because I started crying. As I tried to sing, he began to cry. Tears were pouring down the sides of his face. I had never seen him cry before. Such a tender and priceless moment! He knew I was there and we were crying together. He died the next morning.
The comment about those "who don't deal with death well." That is so damn selfish! And so short-sighted. I had a friend in Hospice, in his last days, and in a coma. One guy came and sat with him, in silence, for hours; a woman -- who claimed she really loved my friend -- "just couldn't handle it." My friend was dying; how did she think HE was handling it? In the end, I was alone with my friend and had the blessing of holding him and gently urging him to let go as he breathed the last labored breaths. Yes, being there hurt, but it was such a blessing, which I could give him and which he could give me. And that woman missed out on it.
DO IT NOW IF YOU WAIT FOR TOMORROW, IT MAY BE TOO LATE; THE TIME IS NOW. IF YOU ARE EVER GOING TO LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOW, WHILE I CAN KNOW THE SWEET AND TENDER FEELINGS WHICH FROM TRUE AFFECTION FLOW. LOVE ME NOW WHILE I AM LIVING, DO NOT WAIT UNTIL I'M GONE AND THEN HAVE CHISLED IN MARBLE; SWEET WORD ON ICE-COLD STONE. IF YOU HAVE TENDER THOUGHTS OF ME, PLEASE ,TELL ME NOW, IF YOU WAIT UNTIL I AM SLEEPING, NEVER TO AWAKE, THERE WILL BE DEATH BETWEEN US, AND I WON'T HEAR YOU THEN.. SO, IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME KNOW IT WHILE I AM LIVING SO I CAN TREASURE IT.
This DID answer one question that was in the back of my mind!
Thats what we did with daddy....
An article that has been helpful and informative.
I personally believe people know your there for them through your touch, words, smell. I believe their senses are the last to leave. M y Dad was in a coma we believe for the last week or so. I would sit and talk to him and rub his arm, for comfort. I know he knew I was there for him.
EXCELLENT! I have handled 24/7 home care for two family members until time for them to go, and I wholeheartedly agree with points of this article. Please address disagreements pertaining to the will being discussed within hearing distance of the patient. What will be will be, however, the patient deserves peace of mind during this time and their being aware of family discord is unnecessary stress to be avoided. Take it outside, or to your own home; it does not belong in the patient's home.
Every single point, well taken. Super advice ! Thank you. . .
You just don’t learn about this stuff until it happens. My mom almost died after having heart surgery at 70, she couldn't speak but she was awake and aware, but weak. After just barely making out and back home she said she hated it when me or my sister would visit and not say anything. When she went in the final time for an intestinal rupture she demanded I stay by her side and not leave her alone. She wanted to be sure someone could act in her interest other than the nurses who were spread thin as it was. She could not speak in the final days but I think she appreciated the simple presence of someone and an occasional word. I think the lesson was that you just have to be their, flowers and cards are not the same.
Ty, Paula and Deborah. Maybe you could give further suggestions to help those of us dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's. Since no one can truly enter the mind of one whose mind is deteriorating it becomes somewhat more difficult for us to deal with. Communication is less verbal, but I remain vocal while giving care, trying to reassure and be alert for what is needed at any given moment. There are different degrees of cognizance and lucidity, as you well know. Many are ill-prepared to deal with this situation. For some, the attitude is relief that "Mom" or "Dad" isn't aware of what's happening. But, do we really know for sure? This is the $64,000 question. May God bless all and give strength and wisdom to all caregivers in their various situations. To love is the greatest gift of all.
This is such a helpful and important article. Probably no subject makes people more uncomfortable than how to deal with death and dying - with regard to the dying person themselves, and those who have lost a loved one. Our discomfort can keeps us from offering much needed support at a most important time. It helps me to put myself in the person's place -what would I want? This always helps to guide me. Deborah S. www.activeseniorsintransition.com