Caregiving can bring many positives into your life -- but it's also hard work, physically and emotionally. If you don't take enough self-care to replenish yourself, then caregiver stress, anxiety, and depression can build.
And that puts you on the path for caregiver burnout, a syndrome of mental, emotional, and physical depletion. "Caregiving requires a certain amount of selflessness, but it's important for caregivers to know their limits," says Caring.com senior medical editor Ken Robbins, a geriatric psychiatrist at the University of Wisconsin who's also board certified in internal medicine. "Caregivers can become so focused on the person they're assisting that they neglect their own needs."
Caregiver burnout interferes with your ability to function. Burnout also raises your risk of chronic depression and other mental and physical ailments, from hypertension and flu to diabetes, stroke, or even premature death. Caregiver burnout is also a leading cause of nursing home placement, when run-down caregivers become too depleted to manage caregiving demands.
"It's important for caregivers to be aware of this phenomenon and to find ways to either prevent or minimize it when they realize it's happening," Robbins says.
What's your caregiver burnout index? Answer the following 12 questions, add up your score (A = 4 points, B = 3 points, C = 2 points, D = 1 point), and learn lifesaving strategies for managing the unique stress of caregiving.
1. How often do you get a good night's sleep (seven or more hours)?
a. Every day
b. Often
c. Sometimes
d. Seldom or never
2. How often do you keep up with leisure activities that you enjoyed before caregiving?
a. Every day
b. Often
c. Sometimes
d. Seldom or never
3. How often do you feel irritable or lose your temper with others?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
4. How often do you feel happy?
a. Every day
b. Often
c. Sometimes
d. Seldom or never
5. How often do you find it difficult to concentrate?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
6. How often do you need a cigarette(s) or more than two cups of coffee to make it through the day?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
7. How often do you lack the energy to cook, clean, and take care of everyday basics?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
8. How often do you feel hopeless about the future?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
9. How often are you able to relax without the use of alcohol or prescription sedatives?
a. Every day
b. Often
c. Sometimes
d. Seldom or never
10. How often do you feel overwhelmed by all you have to do?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
11. How often has someone criticized your caregiving or suggested you're burning out?
a. Seldom or never
b. Sometimes
c. Often
d. Every day
12. How often do you feel that someone is looking after or caring for you?
a. Every day
b. Often
c. Sometimes
d. Seldom or never
How did you score?
This self-test isn't a scientific or diagnostic measure; it's meant to help you identify whether your stress level warrants taking steps toward better protecting yourself.
Add up your score. Each A = 4 points, B = 3 points, C = 2 points, D = 1 point.
48-42: Keeping your cool (low burnout risk)
Your heart and head are both in the right place, and your stress-busting reservoirs are full, which helps you to give with grace and good humor. That said, caregiver stress often creeps up without a caregiver realizing it. Protecting your healthful habits is paramount.
What to do: Keep yourself well fueled for caring by making time for yourself every day -- at minimum, aim for several five-minute pick-me-ups for caregiver stress. If you're in a relationship, know that a healthy marriage or other close relationship can be a source of strength; learn how caregiving couples can make it work.
30-41: Feverish (elevated burnout risk)
You're likely managing caregiver stress reasonably well but falling into a common caregiver trap: Letting yourself sink lower on the daily priority list than is healthy for you. Everyone has an occasional crazy-busy day, but too many of them results in chronic stress -- which erodes well-being and places you at risk for depression, colds, and other illnesses.
What to do: Protect your time for self-care by learning seven ways to find more "me" time. On days when you're feeling stressed, try these five ten-minute pick-me-ups.
18-29: Too hot to handle (high burnout risk)
Your stress level is probably sky-high. You may already be experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, compromised immunity, and physical exhaustion that can lead to or complicate chronic diseases such as hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, and chronic depression. It's critical that you take steps immediately to lower your stress level, ideally through a combination of better self-care, a shared workload, and outlets for your complicated emotions, including talk therapy and support groups.
What to do: In addition to the suggestions in the sections above, learn the five real reasons you're stressed and how to tame them. Look into respite care options -- they're an important way to give yourself the break you need.
12-17: Toast (already burned out)
It's a wonder -- and a blessing -- that you were able to find and take this quiz. You're running on empty, or is it more like barely running? Although you want to do your best for the person you're caring for, realize that your own health is at stake -- and if you don't look out for Number One, you won't be able to help the person or persons in your care.
What to do: You need immediate help. Learn how to tell the difference between the normal stress of caregiving and depression and consult with someone you trust -- a doctor, clergyperson, counselor, or therapist, for counseling -- and seek out medical assistance. At minimum, you need a physical checkup. You may also benefit from other therapies or from a break from caregiving that's as short-term as a vacation or as permanent as a relocation of the person in your care.
Yes. I realized I was pretty frustrated and unable to push back the hurdles. I need help and the ones that say they could help, don't. I'm independent and feel "I can do that". I'm not always comfortable asking for help. My 9 kids have homes and kids of their own. A few of them have stepped up to the plate and it has been appreciated I go to water aerobics three times a week, but always take my spouse with me. He no longer wants to work out and gets quite confused. I can not leave him alone, but family says we can take care of him. I'm still waiting for that to happen. I have fibromyalagia, arthritis and have been treated for breast cancer twice in 15 years. I don't know how to turn any of this around.
caregivers need lots of help!
I'm going to check myself monthly with this assessment. Sometimes, it is difficult to judge what is happening without a non-judgemental tool like this. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I'm coping pretty well, so far.
Hello Frankay26, Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry to hear that some of our suggestions weren't very helpful. You may find some quick ways to reduce your stress in out "Take a Break" blog: ( http://www.caring.com/blogs/take-a-break ). I hope that helps!! Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
Yes, I realize that I am stressed (23 points), but I don't know how to do anything about it. The ideas that you suggest are good, if they are available to you, but they are not available to me. I did apply to our state respite care program and was awarded $300 to use during the 2nd qtr. of this year. That provided 1 overnight trip for me in May. I have not been renewed. There are no relatives or friends available to help. I can't afford counseling and couldn't be away from my mother and husband long enough to go if I could.
Agreed, patience is a requirement for caregiving ~ It is a lesson that I learned well. There are so many lessons that come along with caring.
Caregiving is the most Patience Tester! It can turn the caregiver as the receiver if help is not coming!
i didnt know i was so close to burn out i guess i better step back soon so i dont go splat on the screen until you stop and think about it you dont realize it until it does hit you in the face, time soon for me again right, pray for me once again thank you friends
It let me know that my stress level is too high and that I have to take steps to take better care of myself without feeling guilty. Thanks
Just seeing it in writing, & knowing it's 'normal' to have this. Confirming that I have it, for sure!
This is a very good article. I am not a caregiver but a close friend of mine is. She rated in the "Too Hot to Handle" range. This helps me to see that I need to try to find ways to stop some on the stress in life, even if it is just to go out for a coffee.
Blah Blah Blah. I do this for a living, & see a professional. Life is sad.
This was helpful in my most recent paper!!
Very helpful
I had recognised signs of " cracking round the edges" and am in fact seeing a counselor from my church tomorrow. I haven't added up the points in your test but am pretty high on the scoring. I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to pop something in the e-mail that is totally relevant. I really do feel the care out there and I thank you all so much.
Very very helpful thank you
I wish I'd found thissooner. My husband has been in Memory care for two months and should have gone sooner. I will be visiting this link often
Found out what i figured I have.
i wish i knew if i was doing my momma right sometimes i feel i have failed her a nd am not doing enough to take better care of her my daddy would want me to take good care of her
I suffered burnout while caring for my mother because she faught against any kind of help I wanted or needed to get. Because I didn't have any family help or support I had to send my mother to my sisters and she and my mother then forced to me sell the home I had been sharing with my mother for nine years.I lost Mom and the house all in four and one half months. And eight months later she put my mother in a NH.She has been there four months and hates it with a passion! It so sad.
Caregiver burnout is the most difficult aspect of self care for the family caregiver. It takes energy and time to devote yourself to your loved ones needs. It is relentless on ones life and limits ones choices in life. We who live in the real world in real time are aware of the fact that there are only twenty four hours in a day of which a minimum has to be devoted to sleep. The rest of the hours are divided between caring and real life, which requires our time and energy, and mix in the hours spent on caring for your loved one, what is left and how do you make yourself a priority on the daily To Do List? This has been my extreme challenge over the past three and half years. I have hit the wall, I have suffered emotionally, financially, socially and spiritually and the worst part is the feeling of isolation. Given the time that is required to spend caring for another individuals daily requirements, leaves lttle time of your own, delegating to others, ( if you are fortunate to have someone to share the experience with ) or simply doing it yourself without the benefit of help. It can seem like a loser takes all moment. It is hard to remain positive with little or no additional support. The hardest aspect for me has been the emotional turmoil that I have experienced when my family and friends continued on with their lives and your choices are limited as to where you can spend your time. I am at peace now, knowing that I have a choice as to how others will have a place in my life, and what value I assign to their role in my life. This was hard for me, because the forever optimist I really like to believe that others walk this world with integrity and compassion for others. I have come to know, that this is not the way for many, and it is okay to let these people go in life, regardless if they are family, friends, community, etc. . . I have learned to live my life with or without their participation in my life. . . . such a difficult lesson to learn. I am a warrior, I will not be defeated, I am strong, I am loved, I will get through this day with grace and wisdom, I will not abandon you. Those are my mantra's that have gotten me through . . . and I can sleep and night with a calm peaceful heart knowing that I have been there for my Mother when others walked away. This is a time that they will not have as their experience, but I will, and I am a better person for it. Caregivers are my ((( HEARTHEREOS ))) earth angels! It's a good thing to live a life of compassion ~ may peace be with each and everyone one of you!
it confirms that I am suffering from burn out.
I BrendaD.failed the burned out test and have no where to turn.
Good reminders about caregiver burnout. I KNOW I have it, & what I need to do to try, & take care of myself. But, it's hard.
advice sucks, what do you mean consult a doctor, who can call a doctor and talk to them, who can afford a doctor, and who could afford the meds? as a FULL TIME care giver, what i need is HELP, and cannot afford it, ! 10 yrs. with mother and father, father passed 1 yr. ago, no insurance, i am tired of hearing people complain because they are inconvenienced, i chose to care for my parents, i out lived one now all i have to do is out live the other and my job will be done, no regrets just showing love honor respect and compassion, burnout
Hi all! Just wanted to let you know that I am traveling w/ my husband and adult daughter for 21 days. We have only been together a few precious times in the last ten years. It took a lot of planning and scheduling and some super special friends to stay w/ Mom and even tho I have ruptured a disc a month ago, we are on our adventure. I know how demanding being a full time caregiver is and I just want you all to hang in there and do your best. That's what we are called to do. We all have people who should step up and help us but they don't. But if we stay focussed on being our best, we will draw to us the people who will assist us even if it is in small ways. I spent too much time (years) being let down by family members who should and can help but they do nothing. They are the losers. My health has gone way downhill since I began this journey, but I am still twice the person I used to be. This get away time I will spend getting strong again both in body and mind. Being adaptible is the key to success in this caregiving journey. I can't expect others to change if I can't change myself! Stay strong, all of you.
who can afford a vacation or even a night out, when you are dealing with someone incapable of doing anything for themself
Hugs someday
No comments on the article. I do want to let you know that my husband,Chuck, passed away on Monday morning 4-11-2011. He had been in assisted living for just one year. His death came just as the doctor predicted it would time wise. He was 89 yrs. old and you might say I lost him 1 year ago when I could no longer keep him at home. To the best of my knowledge His Alz.started in January 2007- so I didn't have it to deal with nearly as long of some of your dedicated readers. Now I have closure and would wish it for all of you caregivers.
Hugs Emily M., deescats, CathRN
thank you
I send you all hugs n prayers....i have been doing this 4 yrs. I have had a few jobs here n there that gave me a break but when my husband had his stroke in 09 and then my sister telling me like I wasn't already doing enough to keep my family going and then living with her. She has experience as nurse while taking of her husband's uncle. I on the other hand been struggling to keep three people happy and take care of my husband. We moved to AZ because Indianapolis wasn't making me happy and I was getting sick n frustrated with fighting for foodstamps to get his SSDI. We now have it and now I am trying to find a way to get onboard to be paid as his caregiver but even then that rarely amounts to anything and that leaves my children with no sitter. My daughter has already missed so much kindergarten that she has to repeat it. I am full steam ahead on burnout....I am even wondering if Ill be able to get employment when it happens. I dread and feel the pain when the kids no longer have their father with them but what can i do just pray and push. I do it in love with no support except my husband who is still aware of everything. Peace N God bless
This article helped me to realize that what I'm going through 'is normal'. I work in Mental Health...so, it's a double whammy! Home, & work. I am a high risk, & have had caregiver burnout. I just need to keep myself in check, & do what's needed, when needed. It's hard, though.
I already knew I would score toast, and I am seeking help from a professional. My husband not only has vascular dementia but Celiac Disease, Diabetes, Strokes, Closed-head injury and bi-polar. I have been caring for him since 2002. I was fine up until I lost my job (June 09). Unfortunately, I can no longer pay a caregiver so I can get away. My morning started out like this, he is swearing and screaming in the bathroom as he could not make it to the toilet in time. As a result, poop all over the floor and toilet and he is hanging onto the sink trying not to fall. After I get him cleaned up and settled I clean up the mess in the bathroom. Then do my everyday routine of taking his blood sugar reading, blood pressure, and giving his insulin to him after preparing his breakfast. He will not wear the disposable underwear I purchased, so I am doing laundry everyday. I have been trying to do some research on Adult Day Care Facilities or something to that nature. With all the medical issues he has the cost is unreal. If you have any suggestions on anything I can do besides losing my mind (literally), I would appreciate it. I live in Flint, MI so if any activities in a facility, even for one day a week, would work for me too. The doctor has ordered an agency to come out "Amedisys" with Physical therapist, psych nurse, bath lady, and yet to come a speech therapist once a week. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for this article. I am taking care of my mother who has started with alzheimers. I am an only child, so I feel very overwhelmed at times. It is wonderful to see tips on ways to destress, but also just to read that it's ok and needed. It helps me not to feel so guilty about taking some time for myself or asking for help so I can take time for myself. Thank you for this!!
Finding out that I am on my way to become toast... I need to definitely change my ways... or my own daughter will be taking care of ME!!!! Shady Pines, Ma!!! that's where I will be headed if I don't watch out.. thank you.
I knew that I have not been feeling as good as I use to and everyone blows it off to age, I am only 39! I read this article for a school paper and bam! it hit me this is part of my problem and now I have some thing to work with now! thanks!
Nothing, everything you have here is what I needed to hear, and know the test here was what I am feeling
Where do you find all this "me" time? When his so-called "aide" opens the door and hits the TV running, leaving me all the work? She gets $10 an hour for watching the soaps.
Hello everyone, I am new to the caregiver game. It has been only 4 months that I have been doing this. I am 33 years old and I had an elderly woman living next door to me and my husband. Well in the begining of the year she fell and broke her leg and was in a nursing home for about 5 months. She wanted to come home but she needed 24/7 care because she can not walk anymore-she is 89. Her kids looked into a live-in nurse but it was too expensive. So they asked us. At the time I was not working, we have no children and we rented our house so I thought why not. With the economy the way it is and our landlord breathing down our necks we did it. I get paid a salary and room and board are included so we would have been crazy not to take it. I thought it would be hard for me to jump into this new role but it was so easy for me. I never had the responsibility of caring for someone like this and it has taught me alot and has changed my life for the better. But now I am starting to crack. I find myself not caring about me. I don't even find the time to shower and take care of myself. I always worry about her even when I get coverage and get to get away. Yesterday we had a great day and when the evening aide came to get her in bed and cleaned up she completly changed into this mean horrible person. Today there has been other symptoms that made me relalize she has a UTI. I am sure everyone knows about UTI's in elderly people. I have developed a thick skin doing this but I think last night made me crack and realize that I have caregiver burnout. I know things will be better once I get some antibiotics for her but I cracked and now I know that I really need time for me (and my husband). I don't know how to seperate myself from Dorie's caregiver. I think about her all the time and I just want her to be happy and I want her kids to be happy with the choice they made. I feel bad because I have help when others do not but ...any advice?
Dear Frustrated - You are not alone!! I am sole caregiver of my mom who has Alzheimers - this journey has been 7 years now. I have 2 sisters who do very very little to help. What hurts more is there are 4 adult grandchildren nearby who do nothing - don't even visit!! I have wasted alot of energy feeling resentful and angry - and it still gets me sometimes. I've learned not to expect much from my sisters - my mother in law thinks I shouldn't let them off the hook so easily but I have to do whats best for my mom. If I'm angry with my sisters it doesn't get me anywhere - by no means am I a pushover - I've learned to choose my battles. Please just remember to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who care about YOU - plus - there are some great folks on this website - I can't tell you what a help its been for me!!! You are NOT alone!!!
Prayers frustratedmember
FrustratedMember, We're very sorry to hear that you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, and strongly encourage you to call a suicide hotline to talk to counselor and get the help you need. Please do not delay: please seek help offline immediately. Here are two hotline phone numbers: 1-800-SUICIDE (1800 784 2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1800 273 8255).
Hugs frustratedmember
Dear Frustratedmember, Please know that you are not alone. . . Most family members, will never have a clue as to what you deal with on a daily basis. This is the way they want it, or they would be active participates in your Mother's life. The same old, excuse, that there are living there life, and have little or no time to help, is in a word, bullshit !!!! They might as well tell you that their life is more important than yours is, at least that would be a moment of honesty. This happens to far too many people ~ who find themselves in the position of caregiving, especially when it comes to an aging parent. YOU must be able to be Strong enough to look for support and help in other areas, pick up the phone and or go onto your computer and looks for the number of your metal health hotline, or social services, or a friend or a neighboor, please do not think about suicide, you are a caring a loving person or you would not be helping your parent. Do you belong to a church? Perhaps you could give your church a call , just remember, that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Do you see a doctor? I know that I would not have been able to get through the last three years of caring for my Mother, if it had not been for the care and support of my Doctor. You must take care of yourself, and it is not an easy thing to do, when you place all of your energy caring for a parent, or a child, or a husband, etc.. . All too often as Caregivers we forget to give ourselves the care and love and appreciation that we need. This is important to remember that you are loved and you matter, and you are doing one of the hardest jobs ever. Please write to me personally and I will help you research available services in your area. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Boisegem
Hugs frustratedmember
I would like to have some help during the day. All I get every day from one sister is that I worry about the stupidest things. She works for a few hours a day away from the house and has no idea what I deal with all morning. My other sister sits at a computer all day and never hears anything. When I talk to her, she yells that she is busy and can't get away from the computer. No wonder I feel like suicide is the only answer. Someone Please help me
Prayers someday
Man... I knew something was going on with me. Good to know I ain't alone!!
Hi to all - I picked up my mom from my sisters this weekend - I certainly appreciated the break - however - my sister was rude to my husband - talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!!! I am making copies of all moms expenses that I have paid and sending to the sister who controls all the $ - and just see what happens - I can no longer live this way and its time , my husband has gotten very protective of me and mom - the "games" my sisters continue to play are so immature - Thanks to everyone who has given me advice and hugs -
Happy New Year ~ I for one welcome this year with open arms! I continue to tell myself that this is the year of possibilities verses last year which turned out to be the year of many obstacles. HollyW ~ I hear what you are saying and my heart is with you, my experience has been similar in caring for my Mother. I have been been the primary caregiver for the past three years. Although, my family does not control the money aspect, they have completely abandoned me and have continued on with their lives, acting as if I had asked for this situation. It is beyond hurtful, and I have had to work very hard to put this into perspective, and let it go, I no longer have expectations of anyone, and this experience has taught me what true character is all about. The only expectations that I have are of myself. My husband has been extremely supportive and has lived this right along side me, he rarely speaks negative thoughts, and pretty much keeps his thoughts to himself knowing that he nor I can can their attitudes. With that being said it is still one of the most eye opening experience into what others are truly capable of ~ and it sucks. Please know that my thoughts are with you, and please continue to post as I am here and offer my support. Have a great day and be good to yourself. Sending you thoughts of peace. Boisegem
Hugs Rendezvous 747
Hi all - hope everyone survived the holidays - ours were not without drama -mom and I had to be flexible to accomodate the other sisters schedules - they have become so inconsiderate its getting humerous! My husband and I are now paying all moms food bills and power bills- thankfully one sister has taken mom for 2 weeks (she still doesn't know how we help out financially) I just have this knot in my gut about how unfair this situation has become - I have been moms caregiver for 7 years now with little to no help from MY family (my husbands family is great) The resentment thats building is so unproductive and I do not want it to interfere with moms life. My husband encourages me to be the grown up and realize how little quality time is left with mom - to overlook my sisters lack of appreciation or caring and just concentrate on mom. Its hard - finances are a huge part - their sidelined coaching could almost be tolerated if they put their money where their mouth is! I feel both my husband and myself are disrespected - I had a horrible fight with the sister who controls all the $ and she hung up on me! I feel like I have to beg for anything extra mom might need. My niece, who has spent maybe 2 hours with mom in the last 7 years is now teaching special needs children - now she has become the expert in Alzheimers - I am trying to be patient with her - but she is young and thinks she knows all - I want to confront the family but do any of you think that will be productive? Or should I take my husbands advice and ride it out - Please help!!!
Hugs Rendezvous 747
Caregiving is the one of the most stressful experiences of one's life. It is so important to exercise self care ~ and I might add one of the hardest to implement in one's life. After three years of caring for my Mother with progressive Dementia, I was forced fo make myself start caring for myself. To Put my wellness the number one top priority in my life, everyday, regardless of the many challenges one faces, I have a list of my favorite things and I make sure that I engage in at least one of them. It is not selfish to care for yourself. The only way you can continue to care for another on a daily basis, is to insure that you are healthy in mind and spirit and body. No one can do this for you, except you, and one must or the loved one that you are caring for, will not have the care they require. Caregiving is hard work that requires energy, commitment and compassion ~ it must start with self in order to care for others. May peace be with you ~ Happy New Year to all the beautiful caregivers that give so freely of their heart an soul!!!
I did have 3 wonderful days in Nov. with one of my daughters (we went to Nashville), and the other daughter took off work to come care for her Dad. So that helped a LOT! Even a few days off gave me some rest and relaxation. I only wish he could have time off from the horrible COPD as well.
ways to help
Reminded me to step back and assess. I know I'm stressed; I don't take time to assess how stressed.
I thought I was doing better than this, but I just scored a 34. More art time and bubble baths for me! It's nice to find a group of fellow caretakers.
Before I get busy with the last minute preparations for the holiday celebration, I simply want to write to all my caregiving friends on Caring.com and wish each and everyone of you a Happy Thanksgiving filled with blessings and abundance. Knowing that the holidays can be exceptionally stressful for many caring for loved ones, my intention is to be in a state of gratitude and thankfulness for this moment in time and truly know that all caregivers live the ultimate generosity of heart, giving and caring for those that can no longer care for themselves. My wish for all is to enjoy true abundance and limitless riches ~ Happy Thanksgiving ~
Dear Someday - I can relate - I have been taking care of my mom with Alzheimers for 6 years now with little help from 2 sisters. Now finances are an issue and guess who bears the burden? One sister controls moms $ yet I have all the responsibility - I feel now like I have to beg for extras - Instead of all us chipping in - I wouldn't feel so bad except they don't spend any time with her either - At least I have a supportive husband and great friends! Also, Boisegem has great words of comfort. Thanks to you all!!!!
Hugs Boisegem
hey Boisegem, thanks for the kudos. I have observed that it is NOT uncommon for one child to end up shouldering most or all of the caregiving responsibility. I used to feel that I had the most screwed up family on this planet, but after ten years of this I have had enough exposure to other families experiencing the same thing. Sad, that at a time when our parents need us so much, we cannot join together and form a team of strength. Funny too that I was by far, not my parents' favorite child! And I am the youngest. They used to say to me ,"we don't know what we ever did to get saddled with a child LIKE YOU". Now my mom calls me her 401K plan and says now she knows why she had me. And the last six months of my Dad's life was the best time he and I had together in my whole relationship with him! It was a huge gift to both of us. I still worry about my own sanity; there are days, sometimes many in a row, where I am just barely holding myself together. I am so afraid that if I break down and cry, I'll not be able to pull myself out of it! And there is no one to take over for me...she'd be in a nursing home...which she is so afraid of that if anyone brings it up, she cries. I don't blame her. When I first made the decision to accept this journey, many people said to me: How can you do this? Just give up everything and go there? I said : I don't know if I'll be successful as a caregiver, but I know I am a failure as a human being if I turn my back. I think that's probably the biggest reason I don't feel I ever want my remaining siblings back in my life. When I see them around town, my stomach rolls over inside because I am so ashamed of them for turning their backs to our parents when they were in need. When Mom and Dad were no longer useful as babysitters or banks, my siblings had no interest in seeing or talking to them again. When this journey is over, I WILL move on with life, and I WILL move away from here again, for the same reasons I left in the first place. To the Caregiver's Voice: You gave me a good laugh! Caregiver Dementia! I AM SO GLAD to hear someone else has this! Last winter (and I don't know where the rest of you live, but where I am, winter includes lots of snow AND unbelievable COLD temps) , I made a quick trip over to a friend's house about 2 miles from mine. When I got out of the car, I had no pants on. Skin tight long underwear, but NO pants. I am SO glad it wasn't to the store or worse: church! So, yes, between bouts of wanting to pound my head on concrete, there are good times, and certainly times when I can still laugh at myself!! Sometimes I even look at myself in a mirror and practice smiling! I don't want to forget how!
Caregiver Burnout? Try Caregiver Dementia! My husband and I were so exhausted caring for my father with Alzheimer's, we wondered if we were getting the disease! My husband started hallucinating--He wrote to tell me of the people who were in the bedroom while I was on travel and that "someone" was moving his papers. Meanwhile, I ran into the garage door three times--ruined two power antennas, one back end (the car's, not mine), and needed a new garage door. Yep, it's true. Caregiver dementia for those of us who go well beyond exhaustion.
Hi Someday, I read your post with great interest, I too have been caring for my Mother with Dementia for three years now. Interesting that we all seem to have the same sibling factor. My two brothers do not help at all in the day to day care of our Mother. This is understandable since they both live in different states than I do, however, there are still support issues that are not addressed by either one of them. I asked my one brother, last month, how is is okay with me and my husband providing continueous care for our Mother, the entire responsibility on our shoulders, without any help from him and his family? His answer to me, was, I do not have an answer for that question. The abandonment that one feels by their family and some friends is one of the hardest aspects of providing care for an aging parent. You are so correct in your statement, that the friends that have remained in your life are true treasures ~ Agreed! It difficult for others to understand the commitment and courage that it takes to provide loving and compassionate care for our parents. The one thing that I have learned in the past three years is to never have any expectations from others, it is a one way road to despair and depression. When one finds themselves in this situation, you become extremly clear on what Character is all about, and it is clear to me, that most people, talk the talk, but do not walk the walk. I will never understand how family can simply walk away, and leave their sibling to live this without any help or understanding on their part. I want you to know that I hold you in the highest regard, for your devotion to providing a loving environment for your Mother. Your compassionate heart is a gift to the rest of us.
Hugs Boisegem
well, I got 17 on this test! Actually better than one I took a week ago! Reading these entries I see what I am living, just with someone else's name attached. The loss of friends has been an especially cruel aspect of the time I am spending caring for my Mom. The ones I do still have are true treasures. My remaining siblings are totally absent from my and Mom's life. My eldest sibling died during my fourth year of caring for Mom. She didn't help much on the day to day stuff but that was mostly due to her own health issues. She did what she could. Since she and I were emotionally closer than we were/are with the other two siblings, losing her was, for me, like losing the only other person in my family that KNEW what my life is like. I don't like or miss the other two and personally like NOT having to deal with them at all. But the pain that causes my Mom is terrible. My siblings' children and grandchildren are "not allowed" to interact with Mom because of my siblings' anger. Very sad to pull your children and Grandchildren into your circle of hate. So, asking them for any help is OUT of the picture. Mom is very happy with me and says she's never had it so good in all her life! And yes that makes me feel good about what I chose to do, but it still breaks my heart to see her struggle thru the newspaper to see a glimpse of her grandchildren or great grand children via school events. The one thing that I think is so important for Mom, is that she have interaction with other people, other than me and my friends. She needs "play dates" with friends her own age. She is 93 so there aren't many left and most of them aren't functioning mentally or physically at her level. She has a couple and we set up what we can. My entire life revolves around her well being. This is year 7 and my teenage daughter did it for two years before that and for a year before that I was here with both my Mom and Dad until he died. I lived thousands of miles away while my siblings lived right here and did nothing. So, for ten years I have Not lived with my husband and daughter and I in the same state. I bought a house here because Mom's living arrangements were dictated via one of my siblings, via a lifetime estate situation. My sibling would not allow my parents or I to do anything to the house that would make it more handicap friendly. And then they tried to sue my mom when I bought a house and moved her in with me! Our daughter is near the end of her college( 1000 miles from me) years now and my husband recently retired and moved (3000 miles) back here to live with Mom and I. I love him, but have no time or tolerence for him, because all of my focus has to stay on Mom. I have told him that when she dies, I am leaving for at least a month to try to decompress so I can re enter life as his spouse again. He takes this as : I am going to divorce him. So, no matter how close I am with friends or spouse, no one really gets it unless they are living it. It's NOT about them but they cannot think in terms of what it is really like. I know I need time off now and after she's gone. When anyone says I need time off, I laugh! No KIDDING! But no one has the solution as to how I can do that. The few times that she has been sick enough to be in the hospital, she has nearly died because of nurses poor decisions. Mom now fears hospitals and nursing homes more than ever. I won't give up on this journey...she is a good person and I love her. I just hope there is enough of "ME" left when it is over, so I can find my way back to living my life again. Hugs and prayers to you all, yes, prayers, because I don't know HOW I would have gotten this far without faith.
Happy news ~ Hollyw ~ it is a great feeling when you feel that you have made progress in the enlightenment of family members. Good for you! Wow ~ two weeks in December ~ now that's what I call a fabulous gift, just in time for the holidays. Enjoy ! Sending love and positive thoughts to all my care~giving HERO's!!!!
Made some real progress with 2 sisters this past week - hopefully they will follow thru - I just expressed immediate needs and let the chips fall - one is going to help with power bill -the other will care for mom for 2 weeks in Dec. - Baby steps - is anyone watching the special all week on ABC with Maria Shriver? Looks very informative - my love to all - hang in there!!!
Hugs Boisegem
Please know that it is normal to have feelings of guilt, and it is okay! You are in a situation that is relentless on your time and energy. Taking care of two parents at the same time is really does not leave much time for you and I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Fatigue can cause you to think and feel emotions that are so overwhelming and this is probably not the best time to make promises about the future. You might want to tell your Dad, that you will do everything in your power to take care of Mom after he is gone, just reasure him that all is well, and focus on today. We have no promises of tomorrow or what they may or may not hold for us and all that is required is for you to get through this day, this moment in time, and that in itself is a major accomplishment. Remember that you are doing what no one else is in regards to your parents ~ you need to always value your contribution, even when others do not. That is the way of the caregiver! My thoughts are with you. May peace be with you today. Boisegem.
I am taking care of my mom on my own with very little help from my 3 brothers. Also taking care of my dad who is very ill with leukemia. I know I am burned out but what else can you do?? My dad has begged me many times to please keep mom home when he is gone. Dont know at this point if I can keep that promise and am feeling very guilty :(
I didn't realize that I was near the breaking point in caring for my husband at home. But after my heart attack and by-pass surgery it became evident even to me (my kids and the doctor already knew it) that something had to give and with all their encouragement we finally had my husband go to an assisted living fascility. Natually he resisted and is still not happy with the situation but it saved my health and sanity. I read the heart wrenching tales of other care-givers and just wish that some could be encouraged to do what we did. Believe me the difference in my life has been amazing. I am told that I'm back to my pre-caregiving personality. I still love my husband and always will, but his pre alzheimer's self is what I have to remember after 64 years of marriage.
Great advice Boisegem - I will approach my sisters with aclear understanding that they may or may not be receptive - its kindive silly in the broad spectrum of things but now all I need from them is help with moms power bill! Its just that the little things add up I guess. I think its past time I join some sort of Alzheimers support group - I will look into such groups in my area - thanks again - its shopping day which mom loves so I'm off to the stores - take care - a great weekend to all!
Hugs corkysmommy
Hi ~ today is another beautiful day and I am in extreme gratitude for yet another day to live a life of love and compassion. This is a "YOUR WELCOME" POST to Hollyw ~ It amazing me each and everytime that someone shares their experience with caregiving. NO ONE prepares you for the reality of others actions in these situations, and others behaviours surely are more of a statement of their own character than any thing else. My own experience has lead me down the path of resentment ~ however, through my desire to not want to feel those extremely unpleasant feelings it has also taught me to honor my feelings and give value to what I am feeling and why ~ I've learned to express what I need from others instead of what I am not getting from the relationship. Naturally you must deal with others gulity conscious, and I assume that it is quite natural to deflect to the person who is contributing while they sit on the side lines and "coach" with their opinions~ but you know what they say about opinions ~ well ~ safe to say everyone has one!!!! One thing that I've learned in family therapy that I participate in with my Mom, (she rarely remembers afterward, but it has been extremely insightful for me as her caregiver) is to express what you need and then have a clear understanding that you may not get what you are asking for from other family members and loved ones. You see I have learned that eventually, when you can clearly communicate your and your loved ones needs to others, without holding on to feelings of resentment, this is real progress. I know it sounds strange but it works ~ and I believe that part of being a caregiver is being able to look at the bigger picture. Believe me it has taken me three years to have this clarity, I've cried rivers of tears, felt total dispair, and feelings of resentment, but in the end, they don't give a rat's ass or their actions would have shown otherwise and ultimately you are the one living a life of pain and suffering. I say speak from your heart, express what you need from the situation and let your sisters figure it out for themselves, and the cold reality is, maybe they will and maybe they won't. Whatever transpires, the contribution that you have made towards your Mom's care will and does speak volumes about what a fine person you are ~ Blessings to all ~ every single caregiver is my hero!!!!!
Thanks for the hug from Boisegem! I am new at this so kindive communication so bear with me! Its so surprising how many of us are in the same boat - My sisters were too busy when it was time to start taking care of our mom - they had bad marriages, kids ect. and basically left it in my hands - As I said before, I learned quickly not to depend on them - now their kids are grown, one sister has divorced, and NOW they think they know more about taking care of mom then me - it blows me away - mom has declined- no surprise she has been diagnosed for over 8 yrs. - but she is doing great - even her doctors agree - they always comment on how great her spirits are ! My sisters are feeling guilty now I believe and think that all of the sudden they should tell me (lil sis) whats best for mom - not only that but now we are in a financial crunch and they have not volunteered to pitch in at all!!! Leaving it to me to make ends meet - stretch moms $ and of course I end up paying for groceries, hair appointments, dog care, power bill, and anything else - I hate the resentment I am feeling - they trully do not get it!!! Thanks to all of you for listening - this will be a great resource for me!
thank you for your kind words, Boisegem. You know that you aren't alone either. I wonder how many others are in the same boat as we are? perhaps sometime we might communicate outside of this forum?
Hugs Boisegem
I could not end this evening without responding to CORKYSMOMMY ~ I want you to know that I am thinking about you and I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I wish that I could do more for you with some helpful advice for your situation ~ Please stay strong, this is so difficult and there are days when I personally have thought that I cannot go on another day ~ primarly from the fatigue of hands on caregiving 24/7 . . . I have even questioned my own faith, which makes me feel a profound sense of loniness and a sense of dispair ~ and those are feelings that REALLY SUCK ~ BIG TIME!!!! I have learned in the past three years that feelings and emotions are not the enemy in this situation, it's being able to giving validation to your feelings by honoring your contribution and being an example to others that just do not GET IT ~ The reasons are too complex to go into ~ in this form ~ but I have decided to turn my pain and suffering over this situation into a platform for AWARENESS and I devote my life to turning pain into purpose... I am only hopeful that one day I will see this change that is so critical to compassionate care for the caregiver ~ simply stated ~ You are my hero ~ Corkysmommy ~ and tonight when you go to sleep you can sleep well, knowing that someone else cares ~ and that's ME!
Boisegem and I are in the same boat and I am in total agreement with her. My situation is close, but still the same issues. I am taking care of my 82-yr old husband who has Alz. I am 49 and we have been married 21 years. I have been working from home for the last 2 years to take care of him because we can't afford a caregiver. I am fortunate that my company allows me to do this, but I transferred to another dept 4 years ago because i knew what was coming and that i could possibly get that opportunity. My problem is that i haven't had a respite break in 2 years. My stepson and his family who live 25 miles from us don't call or inquire or basically give a damn about my husband. There are 4 individuals whom we have helped out over the years who refuse to lift a finger or even take my husband to the mall. They show up out of the blue on his birthday, at Christmas and Fathers Day. no call, just out of the blue and as fast as they showed up they are gone again. I gave up begging them to take him places almost 2 years ago. it was too humiliating. My husband was a great father and always put his family first and this is what eats at me everyday. He has a daughter, but she is on drugs and has been gone for 20 years. The only one of our grandchildred who helps us is one of her children. She lives in So. Colorado so she is only able to offer support over the phone. She is the only one who is supportive and understanding. She was the one who gave me a break 2 years ago, but with college and having babies, her time has been limited. Folks from church take him to the mall once in awhile, but that is while i am working so it really isn't much of a break for me as it is for him. The worst part of it all is that I am not asking for money, I just want their time and they pretend like we don't even exist. My husband asks for his son and says good riddance and he doesn't want to see him but I know he is really hurt. he doesn't deserve what he is getting. The problem with caregiving is that you have to have money. without it, you have a problem. and if you make too much to get state aid, you get zero which is where we are because i work full time. We are together 24-7. i see no end to it until i keel over. i am battling many health issues and trying to keep our home through this mortgage crisis. My plate is full and all i can do is get a bigger plate. it is a shame that there is no clear answer as to why our relatives act the way they do. all i know is that there has to be a special place in heaven for caregivers. that is all i have left to look forward to.
One of the most difficult challenges in Caregiving for an aging parent with Alzheimers or Dementia related diseases, are the relationship aspect between the family members. Interesting enough, I just hung up from one of my brothers, who lives in another state, our conversation, once again revolved around his and our other Brother's lack of contribution to our Mother. I am the only daughter and for the past three years have been the overseer and now hands on caregiver to our Mother with Dementia. The STRESS is relentless on the primary caregiver, and when family and friends, continue on with their lives, with no regard to the loved one who is doing the day to day hands on care, it is almost unbearable. The feelings of isolation, depression, and overwhelm are emotions that the caregiver must deal with daily. My Brother, said to me, "my life is busy and complicated, I just forget, to call, it's not intentional." My response is, that tells me that "WE" are not a priority in your life ~ I do not have that option ~ Mom is here and she requires care, it is not her fault and it is not my fault. This is not the blame game this is reality! When a family member talks about how complicated "thier lives" are, my response is this, I used to have a life, now due to circumstances beyond my control, my life is secondary to that of our Mother's needs. My own health has been compromised because of the Stressors of Caregiving ~ and I worry, given the statistics of primary caregivers dying before the loved one they are caring for. If history is any insight to what the future would be, if something happens to me ~ this is real stress! This is a situation that I never dreamed I would be in, my husband of thirty one years, and I had plans for this time of our life, and now everything is on hold. The financial aspect is another dynamic that family members never think about ~ resources become limited and the primary caregiver ends up paying for that as well. I have made it my mission in life to educate others on compassionate caregiving and how very important it is to appreciate and show your appreciation for all who find themselves in the position of caring for an aging parent, child or spouse, etc... These are the true heroes in life. Please reach out to a person who is in the position of caring for a loved one. A phone call or a card or an email, asking "How are you doing?" can make a tremendous contribution to their wellbeing and that small effort will never compare to the day to day contribution of time and energy these folks put forth daily ~ but it can make a huge difference to the caregiver, that feels so very alone in their responsibility to someone that is unable to care for themselves. Hug your caregiver ~ let them know you care!
If my sisters would help out financially and not be so critical from afar I could be happier taking care of my mom with Alzheimers (6 yrs now) IT IS NOW PUTTING A STRAIN ON our relationships. I have learned not to depend on them which sux - Sometimes I feel so alone, thank god for friends and my dedication to running! I really don't know who my sisters are any more - so sad.
Hugs Boisegem
If anyone even knows someone or has a family member trying to care for your parents, even if you don't like something about them or are mad at them for some reason, help them by at the least. telling them about this website, if you leave them without your support, and if you see that the caregiver is getting mean or different then usual in anyway, be MORE supportive, not less, not avoiding the situation, they are going through a hell that you can't even imagine, but they are providing your parents with a service that no nurse or home health care service can come close to doing. When you are there 24/7 for elderly people, especially your own parents, they don't treat you the same as the "kids" they talk to on the phone or see on weekends, Things are totally different behind the scenes. One can go crazy if they lose their support system or a way to vent. This site might have saved me 3 years of illnesses if I'd have used it while I was at my parents trying to help them. I've successfully helped many elderly who were in between having to leave home to go into a nursing home or stay at home and die. I helped many stay at home and when their time came, most of the time , I could get the whole family there in time to say their goodbyes and the loved one to be surrounded with everyone in their lives that they loved to go out that way I pray can happen to me. Please just don't forget to make sure to focus on your selfless caregivers health and make sure you stick with them, be their sounding board, and let them vent, whatever you have to do to keep them happy and healthy and able to be there for your parents. Any other thing you do would be self serving and a disservice to your parents.
I think I'm getting burnout, but I feel guilty about that.
Hugs CathRN, Casha
I AM burned out and need a break THANX FOR THE INfo
It showed me how stressed I really am, and ways to help me re-leave some of the stress.
Hello everyone, I just found this wonderful site after crying my eyes out because my husband and I have been going through so much. He and I both have liver disease, his is much worse than mine, and on top of this he has shrapnel (bullet fragments) lodged all along one side of his heart. That means he cannot have an MRI due to the magnetic response possibly pulling the shrapnel into his heart area. As if all of this is not enough, we moved from a nice home in Orlando to what we felt would be a more quiet place, a town called Deland. A very extremist religious organization had a one room chapel and daycare, and expanded it to include 300+ students up to 8th grade. The relious leader of this church (located 3 miles away) is very charasmatic and is more of a leader than a minister. His background is not religion but business. He has been doing everything in his power to annoy my husband, like making false police reports etc. The added stress is causing him to relive the day he was shot as an innocent bystander in NC, by a police officer's stray bullet when he was a young man. I have worked in the mental health field for many years, I am 55. I am blessed to know how to handle much of what I am enduring, but would appreciate your prayers. Ask God to pray for my husband as I believe God does not appreciate these people trying to run me off of my land for monetary gain and using his name. I am Catholic and do not understand some of this new movement religious freedom. They get federal funding and I do not understand this either. My husband's liver condtion makes it hard for him to take any medications for depression and anxiety. So prayers are our medicine. I have faith and I know with the help of others and HIM we will make it. Love to all of you who understand the weight of a caregiver.
I AGREE WITH HER/HIM ... IN THIS CASE TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER, WHO WAS IN MUCH PAIN. AT THE TIME I WAS UNAWARE OF HOW MUCH PAIN SHE WAS IN. NOW SHE HAS PASSED ON ABOUT 9 YEARS AGO & I MISS HER VERY MUCH.
I just wish there was a better way to talk to the people that I need on the phone. To me this is one of the most frustrating things about being a caregiver. If you call the doctor's office then you have to go through all these menus. Then the person you need has to call you back which they don't so you call again. One person I talked to the other day said do you have permission to talk to us? and I said that my mother had given it over the phone and then the person said well I'm sorry we need that in writing and ended the conversation. Where does it all end?
I told my two daughters three mos. ago that I needed a week off sometime this summer and get it worked out between them. But I still haven't heard that first word on anything being worked out. So I know how some of you think you have been forgotten.
It gave me answers I have been looking for
TO NEEDING HELP ` I am writing to let you know that you are not alone and that there are many people facing the same situation of caring for a parent that was not there for you when you where growing up. Please know that you are a loving and compassionate person that is living a life of love and integrity by caring for your Father. He is living the consequences of his poor life choices, and I know that it feels as though you are living the consequences of his choices as well. With that being said, you have to remember that this is the most difficult of situations and it is overwhelming and emotionally and physically draining. You must take care of yourself first, you matter and you need to value yourself and love yourself. This can be extremely difficult concept to wrap your mind around, especially in light of the fact that your Father was not the Father or Husband that he should have been. However you have a choice to be an example of loving kindness instead of the person he was, this is so important because it shows that you have a compassionate heart and your living your life as an example of how all people should be treated, regardless of their past mistakes. I know what I am talking about, I take care of my Mother with Dementia, she was not the Mother of the Year, and as your Father, all the people that she valued in the past are no where to be found at this time in her life. I have learned to take my pain from the past and turn it into purpose, it's not easy, but with that being said, I have learned so much from this experience, and the most important aspect is when you step up when no ones else does, you are what our society calls a first responder and you are a hero in my mind. Take good care of yourself and know that this time will not last forever. Hugs ~ Boisegem.
Hello I started takingcare of my dad in 2005 right after my monter passed in 2003. My father was not the most caring person for my mother and my self. As long as my father was able to chase women he would be happy. And from this he has hand severel strokes and now he has seazers. He is now suffring form all of these alment because of taking the little blue pill. I asked him was it all worth it, and the woman he ran with all this time I now no ware to be found. And no I am the one taking vcare of him now and he is driving me crazzy he does not qulifie for any help. I an trying to hold on to my fath to aunnor your parents but it is really hard. he not greatful for anything I am doing for him he says is but he not . I am now in the process of moving him in with me. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE MAKE IT EASER.
I want my mommy back but she is rally here, in the sky, in my heart, in everything I do, I feel her 'soul' or energy or whatever it is, people don't just die and are gone, they are always with us, and no more pain and suffering, no bedsores or strokes or medicines, I can see my mom sometimes and at first I wonder how she is walking so well and looking so healthy, that is what God promised heaven would be like, I know she is there. I hope this helps your pain too.
Hugs needing help
I have worked in the caregiver field for years. My heart goes out to those who get to the end of their rope, so to speak. Sometimes if you can get a sitter and just get away, even for a walk alone, it will help to recharge so you can go back to the situation that is yours to deal with. For myself, I know that I need to take better care of me if I want to be able to take care of others. Nutrition is vital. So is ridding your home of toxic substances, even in your laundry and everyday products. Being better fit yourself will give you stamina and better coping skills. For guidance in finding superior Wellness Products at discount prices go to this site. http://www.BringingWellnessHome.com/sharper
The article confirmed what I almost knew and told my husband last night. I have to do something fast.
For my sisters keeper ~ Fighting for services is the part of caregiving that is so difficult. Good Respite Care is hard to come by, I send my Mom to a place called Sarah Care Adult Day Care and I believe that they are in many states. They are on the web and you would be able to find out if they have a location near you. Financial aid is something that they can help you with , as they are well informed on the various options for payment. Take good care of yourself. Blessings.
Hugs My sisters keeper
Ok, I'm toast. But probably knew that in my heart already. I do get my checkups, take an anti-depressant, see a therapist weekly. Still at my wits end. The one thing that truely helps is my weekly sessions with my therapist. I call it my "Venting Day". So good to be able to sit for an hour, complain, rant, cry and just get it out and not be judged, told what to do (family who do nothing to help with my sisters care are full of ideas of how I should be doing things). My therapist is a good Christian woman and just so encouraging. I am still at my wits end, fighting for services for my sister and help for me, besides dealing 24/7 with the daily caretaking. RESPITE would be really nice. Wish someone would volunteer for just a few hours, a day, a weekend. Can't continue this without help. I'm not a young woman anymore and I have health issues of my own.
When my Mother suffered a right brain stroke in 2007, I was in the rehabilitation hospital were she was at, reading a magazine that I found, the article was about how family and friends will abandon you in a situation as this, I thought to myself, that would never happen to me, my friends and family would never do this! Two and half years later and counting, oh, yes, they will, and they do. One of the most devastating aspects of the Care Giving situation is how very alone you feel, and how very selfish other people can be. I cannot tell count how many times that I have had to remind "family" members, that this is not about you! If you find it too hard and too stressful, what do you think it is like for the primary caregiver??? Maybe they may not be able to cope, but there are always things that people can do to show others that they matter, phone calls, cards, email's, etc. Please take the time today to reach out to a caregiver, and let them know that they really do matter ~ in fact if it were not for them, the other people that find it too STRESSFUL may be the very ones that one day may have to assume the role of caregiver, you know what they say about KARMA ~
sorry for the misspellings and grammer. correction: my husband feels he is waisting hiss vacation time just to take care of his father. he tried to get his job to let him work form home but they said no.
Hugs My sisters keeper
for 25 years I was the one who went to the homes of DDAdults; kept them going so they could remain independent. taught them how to do house hold chores; got the to the grocery store; took them for walks or out for coffee when they lived at home so family could get a break. I even lived in and ran a few group homes; managing staff etc. I had bed days but could always bounce back but it got harder and harder; my husband was/is not a good support person he is aggressive and a get in your face get it done type 'A' personality. I was burning out/ burnt out I wanted to quit my job, spent 2 years continuing while I looked for other work. then my mother-in-law passed away. I got to fquit my job alright; my husband moved his father 1500 miles to come live with us. it's been a year I am still burnt out. my husband thinks he helpful; friends call to get him out of the house b/c he's stressing about our fighting my frustrations. they ask him why am i stressing; its what I do; they don't call me anymore; they don't ask me out to go sailing; they invite him; even Dad wonders why the invites don't extend to him. I have one friends I can talk to on the phone; she lives several hours away so get togehters don't work. I thank God for her all the time. she helped me get the strength to tell my husband that I need a bigger break than to fly home for two days. my son had a baby and my daughter is getting married; grandduagher is graduating and he gave me 2 days. WOW. I'm taking 10; he has to use his vacation time to take care of his own father. he's feels he waiting it. WOW so he gets support from friends. the old question "Who takes care of the caretaker?" yeah it comes down to ourselves alto often. I don't feel bad for doing something for me; not this time. that is a big step for me. I wish all of you find a way to do this for yourself. what happens when I get back; probably more of the same. but I hope to drraw on this to find more strenght; I want to also thank every one for their blogs it has given me that little bit of hope just knowing that I am not alone. HUGS TO EVERYONE OF YOU>
PRAY FOR HELP FROM THE GREATEST PHYSICIAN. HE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH EVERY THING. JUST HAVE FAITH "ASK,BELIEVING, AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE"
I am a solo caregiver for my husband with Alzheimers. His children will not lift a finger to help or do anything. I haven't had a caregiver break in over 18 months. I have to work from home in order to care for him. I am struggling to save our home and a myriad of other things stressful issues. I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. I could scream, but nobody is listening anyway. I can't afford a caregiver.I work with my husband to try and slow down the progression. I will do whatever I can to help him and know I am never going to win. All I am trying to do is keep him at his optimal function. I am 49 and he is 82 and we have been married 21 years. My life is him and I don't mind that. what I do mind is that people seem to be afraid of Alzheimers. They are afraid it will happen to them so they don't want to see the effects of it. And people are so busy nowadays and stretched thin, it is hard to get anyone to help me out. The best I have done is gotten some volunteers from church to take him out about once a month for 2 hours. Other than that we are together 24/7. I am as clueless as everyone else who doesn't know what to do. The Alzheimers Assoc. is great and has all sorts of info, but when you have no support group and no money, you are screwed with a captial S because without the 2 of those, you have no hope. I tell my husband all the time that he is going to out live me. and he more than likely will. At this rate i don't expect to see 50.
Prayers Boisegem
I have been in a six years critical events loosing of my job, my dearest nany's death, my husband's heart attack and death at 49, my mother in law's death, my own stress cause of not been able to get a job, the possibility of a breast cancer, and taking care of my mother from senile dementia to alzheimer. this day am very depressed and sometimes i have suicidal feelings. is it normal to start drinking?
I realize all the risks I am taking with my own health. I need better support. I have 3 sister within 100 miles of us, and only one sister, once has offered to take Dad for a weekend. SHe found it too hard and stressful.