It can be hard to know what to say to grieving friends or family members after the loss of someone close. One risk is that you unwittingly sound like what grief expert Robert Neimeyer of the University of Memphis calls the "grief police" -- well-intentioned but misguided helpers who suggest to the bereaved person that there's a "right" way to grieve. (There isn't.)
If you want to be consoling and compassionate when offering condolence, avoid phrases like the following:
1. "Stop crying; you're only making it worse." Expressing emotions, even strongly if so inclined, is a natural, normal, and healthy reaction to death.
2. "You should let your emotions out or you'll feel worse later." It's also normal for some people to not cry; not showing outward emotions doesn't mean the person is grieving less or will have some kind of "delayed reaction."
3. "At least he's not suffering any more." This offers little condolence. Whatever the circumstances of the death, the bereaved person is still suffering.
4."You must be strong." (Or "God never gives us more than we can handle.") Such statements imply that it's wrong to feel bereft, which is a perfectly natural response.
5."God must have wanted her." No mortal can purport to know God's purpose. People who don't believe in God might also bristle at your presumption in attaching a religious significance to the loss.
6."Don't dwell on it." It's normal and natural -- as well as helpful -- to talk about the person who died.
7. "I know exactly how you feel." In fact, you can't. Even if you've experienced a similar loss, you're not the bereaved person, and you didn't have the same relationship to the person who died.
8. "At least he was old enough to live a full life." How old would old "enough" be?
9. "You're lucky. At least [you have money, you're young and attractive, he didn't commit suicide, etc.]." Loss is always horrible. Comparing misfortunes to others' or to alternate scenarios won't make the person feel better.
10."It's been [six months, one year, etc.]; it's time to move on." People never stop grieving for a lost loved one. Affixing a deadline to mourning is insensitive and does little to help people learn to live through their loss.
What's better said in condolence? Try these 10 helpful things to say to a grieving person.
the worst thing ppl said to me over & over was..at least she isn't suffering anymore...yes I know but I prefer she was not suffering and STILL here with me (my beloved dear Mother)
My widow/er support group would often seethe at these kind of lists, because invariably we've heard most of them, if not worse. (Personally I've gotten 8 out of the 10. ) The lesson here is that Western society is so taboo against discussing death that people honestly don't know what to say or how to act around a grieving person, so they quote what they do know, from television and movies, which may work fine for dramatic fiction, but has no basis whatsoever on reality. And then they get pissed at the bereaved when the bereaved takes it badly. Oy...
still miss my Mom so much, it's 4 months now , I can tell people think I should not talk about her so much....I don't really care what they think, it is my way of keeping her alive...love you Ma....xo xo
All of the above. I have a hard time saying something to a person who is grieving. I'm always afraid of saying something that will make their grieving worse. Thanks for the helpful solutions so I don't end up with my foot in my mouth.
Good list -- so hard to know what to do sometimes -- just listening and holding onto the silence can be a healing presence. too often stumble around, trying to care - filling the awkward space.
MA-Kerri We all grieve when we lose a loved one and some differently than others therefore, being a born-again Christian I know I'm only going to a better place and my family will be joining me sooner or later, Amen. Compassion not Criticism
I don't understand why people feel they have to say anything at all; sometimes just being there is okay too. I was 19 when my daddy (55 yrs. old and he's still MY DADDY) got killed in a horrible accident. I remember seeing him and 4 hrs. later getting the terrible call. All this to say, I remember how much I hated having people hugging, crying, and saying all these meaningless things that I didn't want or need to hear at that time...So you see, I guess "Silence can be Golden" at times.
I will take as long as I need in my grieving for my beloved Mother, I still cry evryday and HATE when ppl say, at least she's not suffering anymore or she is with your Father & Grandmother now so be glad for that...arrrggg shut up please!
yes it was
I heard many of these when my mom died unexpectedly, 6 months ago. #10 really cracks me up. Yet until I went through it, the death of a parent seemed so remote. Luckily I know that most of the people who said these (stupid) things did the best they could, and that their hearts were in the right place, even as their feet were firmly planted in their mouth!
CA-Claire, my prayers are with you. There is no time limit on grief. Talk about him all you want, it helps me with grieving for my brother who died 2 years ago. I've cried and talked about him since the moment the angels took him out of this world.
Hugs Joanne P.B.
I cannot stand when people say I'm grieving the wrong way. Screw people who just don't get it. My brother died before my eyes. I will NEVER shake that.