Should we continue trying to help my mother or give up?
HELP!!!! My brother and I are desperate, our mother is going further and further downhill and we have no idea how to get her out. Our dad left over 11 yrs ago and she had everyone feeling sorry for her. It was almost as if she enjoyed it Now she constantly feels sorry for herself but will not do a thing to help herself. She is overweight, wont clean up after herself , and has a million health and financial problems. If it wasn't for my brother living with her, I'm afraid she would not get out of bed in the mornings. The dishes and rubbish would pile up and she would disapear into her own state of pity. We have tried everything but nothing helps. She's so over weight that she's on a breathing machine. However, she still stashes sweets by her bed and has a stash of coke and junk food which she denies having. We have tried yelling,encouraging, and even joining her for walks but she refuses. I have just returned home from overseas where it was easier to deal with as i could switch off to it but it's so hard to see her like this. My brother wants to go to Australia but is terrified to leave her. But it's as if she thrives on being like this. Should we just accept her like this and give up???????
Expert Answer
I hear your cry for help and feel the kindness of you and your brother.
Never give up on another human being. But sometimes you have to change your approach. You may have to accept her situation. Since your mother is such a powerful individual, you will need some help.
I feel that Alanon is an organization which could be of help to you and your brother. Orginally created to help the families of alcoholics, it could also help with this type of problem. There is no cost. You and your brother could both attend meetings to learn more about patterns of communication within families and how you and your brother are also affected.
Also, I assume that since your mother has a breathing machine, that she has medical help. Could you and your brother get an appointment with her doctor? Let him know the full extent of her trouble and ask if there is a way to evaluate for depression. If that is the diagnosis, could he treat it or would it be better to see a mental health professional?
The suffering of being overweight at any age is sometimes an intractable problem. As with cigarette smoking and alcohol abuse, it takes firm committment for treatment.
You and your brother will need support to go on with your own lives with a spirit of loving kindness for your mother.
- Hire someone to clean for your mother. Her environment is very important to her even though she is too collapsed in spirit to deal with it.
- Pay special attention to your own diet and exercise. Pay extra attention to your own clothing as well as hair, skin and nails. Treat yourself well.
- Try to find one feature of your mother, that does not depend on weight, to care for. Manicure her nails or make sure that her eyebrows are shapely.
- Try to have, with your mother, one meal with family or friends every month or so, either at home or at a restaurant.
- Try to find one activity that your mother likes apart from self pity. Support that if you can.
- Finally, and foremost, realize that you cannot fix your mother's life. You can love her, support her, and never give up on wishing her the best, but it is your life that you must lead.