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How do we tell family about Mom's memory loss before they see her for Christmas?

Warning Family About Mom's Memory Loss Before Holidays
A fellow caregiver asked...

My sister and I take care of my mom. Her memory has declined significantly in the last six months and we're afraid of how our family will react when they see her over the Christmas break. What steps should we take to prepare family members aobut Mom's declining memory? Should we tell everyone? Or should we only tell certain people? We come from a very large Italian family, so there is always lots of people over for Christmas. Thanks for any suggestions.

Expert Answer

Merrily Orsini, MSSW, was a pioneer in the business of providing geriatric care managed in-home care. She currently serves on the board of the National Association for Home Care and Hospice and is Chair of the Private Duty Homecare Association. She holds a master's degree in social work and is a nationally known writer and speaker on aging, elder issues, and in-home care.

How terrible for you to have to deal with this. And how awful for your mom that she is lapsing. Questions for you: have you had her checked out by a geriatric specialist to rule out any organic causes? In addition to medication and depression, there are several other factors that might cause the decline, and those are reversible. Also, having a medical opinion is best when planning options for the future- care, cost of care, etc.

Back to the original question about your Mom's memory loss and holiday events, the best tactic is the truth. And specifics will help. What are the behaviors? When is the decline most noticeable? Are there behaviors that she does repeatedly that seem to bring her calmness? Are there things that seem to agitate her more than others? And let them know, in a logical, calm fashion. The things that she used to do for the family to celebrate will also need to be divvied up. That task assignment is also a great ice breaker. Suggestion, "Mom has always baked the holiday turkey and this year that needs to fall on someone else. She is just not up to it this year." Then you add in the specifics so they are prepared.

Also, all of the family needs to read up on how to work with someone who has a dementia. If hers is progressive dementia, it will get worse, and she will not be the "Mom" that everyone knows.

There are also activities that will be great for her to participate in, and some that should be done without her. The key is to keep her calm and happy and let others serve her.