Should I take my 80-something parents with me to check out assisted living facilities for them or go alone?

A fellow caregiver asked...

I'm beginning to search for an assisted living facility for my parents. My mom, who's 82, has type 2 diabetes but is in relatively good health. But my 84-year-old dad had a stroke a year ago and needs a walker to get around. Should I plan on bringing them along on tours so they can choose for themselves, or should I go alone and only involve them once I've found the right place?

Expert Answer

Both. Generally speaking, the best strategy is first to tour all the facilities you're interested in by yourself. Then, when you have two in mind that you think are the best, take your parents along to visit just those two. That way, you don't overwhelm them, which can easily happen if they're barraged with too many choices.


That said, it's important to involve your parents in the choice right from the start. The best way to do this is to set up a series of short family meetings to agree on a decision process and to get a sense of what your parents' priorities are. Do they care most about being close to friends or family? Having a spacious apartment? A full schedule of activities? Top-notch food? Do your parents prefer a quiet, rural environment or an urban setting with good public transportation? Each meeting should have a set beginning and ending time; if meetings drag on and on, fatigue will set in, minds will start to wander, and your family may resist attending future meetings.

Once you've clarified what your parents want, your list of options will grow shorter and more focused, and your parents will be more likely to approve of the final two choices you present to them.

By the way, if your parents are reluctant to move, it's tempting to exclude them from both the meetings and the tours, but getting their opinions -- even if their preferences are voiced in terms of what they don't want -- will increase the chances that they'll be satisfied with what you find.