Is there a way to enjoy my respite time and help my husband get past his anger at me?
My husband is 76. He had a hemorragic stroke in April, 2010, followed by the diagnosis of Vascular Dementia. I am 47, and a bit frazzled, needing a few hours a month of time to myself. A local agency offered me 8 hours of in home care, which I divided into two four hour sessions two weeks apart. I thought the firs session went well, but a day later it manifested itself into anger, and a day after that a several hour elopement. My husband has always been controlling. I have never had many outside interests, however this is quite a different life now, and I feel my body and mind asking for respite. The next respite is supposed to be in a week. Is there a diplomatic way to own this, and help my husband get past his anger at me? His injury is right front, so I have a tough row with him. I also can continue to have alone time at home, we have property, and I take long walks and craft, and garden, so it is not as though I have no options. Any advice would be appreciated.
Expert Answer
I'm sure this is not what you expected going into your marriage. (My husband and I are 20 years apart and I always wonder: if and when.) You have every right to be frustrated and in need of respite. Allow yourself to have these emotions. It's OK!
Your situation is difficult at best, but you are not alone. The frontal lobe injury does make it difficult to handle behaviors. With dementia individuals, especially of this kind, they cannot control their behavior. The trick is controlling your own behavior: stay calm, be firm yet keep an even tone in your voice.
Your choice to get home care is a good one. You do have an option of privately hiring help or finding an Adult Day Care if you have the funds. However, you are lucky to have property you can roam and have things to do there.
Try and get your husband involved (other than when you need your time). Productivity is key for any person. Try and create tasks that are relevant to his interests, keeping safety in mind. You can try other interests since sometimes this can change and be very therapeutic (gardening has been proven to help). Try directing his attention to something more pleasurable and do your best to get the home aide to help with this. They don't have to just "baby sit."
Unfortunately, you may not be able to control the anger. Find techniques to help you control your frustrations: deep breathing, leaving the room for a minute, thinking of a pleasurable task. Anything to help you manage these behaviors.
For his wandering, check out the Alzheimer's Association or your local police department. Often they have systems in place to hopefully ensure a safe return should they wander and not be able to return.
Relish your alone time, be frustrated, angry. Your feelings are legitimate, but like you need, get some time alone and breathe!