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My 89 year old husband writes romantic letters to young women. What do I do?

A fellow caregiver asked...

My husband has dementia. For the last two years he writes inappropriate love letters to women young enough to be his granddaughter. He sends jewelry, says he is going to marry them, etc. They have returned the letters & he delivers them to the workplace. What do I do? It makes me angry & hurts my feelings, even when I try to tell myself it is the disease. Please help!

Expert Answer

Brenda Avadian, brings knowledge, hope, and joy to family caregivers for loved ones with Alzheimer's and dementia. She cared for her father with Alzheimer's and helps families one-on-one and in groups. She is the author of eight books, including the pioneering memoir "Where's my shoes?" My Father's Walk through Alzheimer's and the Finding the JOY in Alzheimer's series. She presents vivid, compelling, and funny keynotes to both professional and family caregiving audiences.

I'm smiling as I read about your conundrum re: your husband writing love letters to young women.

Why?

A fellow caregiver encountered a similar problem in reverse. Her husband's girl friend from years ago got reconnected with her husband and instead of feeling jealous or threatened the caregiving wife thought, "Take him!"

"He has dementia." "I have to feed him, toilet him, and bathe him. If you want to take this on, he's yours."

What became a potentially threatening situation was quickly dissolved with her sense of humor. The old flame likely didn't imagine her beau had declined and was in such a condition.

The exhausted wife knew this but was open for some loving help ... wherever it came from.

Not knowing your relationship history I can't comment. For example, was he always a womanizer? If not, you can expect it is the disease.

However, you may want to curtail his efforts to these ladies--do you know them?--otherwise, his actions could open up charges you may not have the energy to deal with.

Then again, these must be special women to return his letters (I hope they return the jewelry, too.)