What can we do if our mother refuses to even talk about a nursing home?

4 answers | Last updated: Sep 14, 2017
Shalomcare asked...

My mother refuses to talk about going into a nursing home,she gets frustrated and starts yelling and screaming at all our family members. We want to find out if she has had an assessment since she does not discuss any medical issues with us and tells us it is none of our business. The next door neighbors cannot do anything for her as they have tried, we live in sa and she refuses to move to sa.She lives on her own in Ballarat, Victoria and is one extreme to the other in her memory. It worries, the next door neighbors and they're always in tears. What can we do when we need her permission for everything?

Expert Answers

Nan Hayes is founder of MoveSeniors.com, the national resource network of Certified Relocation and Transition Specialists for seniors, and President of RightSized Living, a senior home transition service in Illinois.

Chances are, the harder you push for resolution the more your mother will resist. This may be because she is truly fearful of moving to community housing, as are many older adults,  or it may be a symptom of her memory issues. Either way, you may wish to find another trusted party to introduce the conversation to her or to act as a mediator. Whether minister, rabbi or social worker, sometimes just stepping back from the process for a bit may be helpful. Of course if you feel she has entered more advanced stages of memeory impairment, you can look for legal recourse. However if mom is fully capable of managing her affairs, seeking appointment as her Guardian or Substitute Decision Maker may only serve to aggravate the situation. You would need to consult with a lawyer who specailizes in elder law. Finding someone to help care for mom at home may also be a workable short term solution.

Community Answers

Heshoots67 answered...


Toogoodtobetrue answered...

Depending on the degree of memory impairment, additional options may be agreeable to your mother. Simply put, most people want to stay in their own home. One option may be to suggest a friend or single, mature female go to live with your mother. Many people are looking for alternative options as a solution to their housing due to financial needs. Another option may be to consider taking your mom to an adult foster home for a visit as a possible housing arrangement. These homes have only 5 adults and are very comfortable for the elderly population. Hopefully you will arrive at an option that is agreeable to you all.

Billf answered...

I agree with toogoodtobetrue. Are there other workable solutions. If your mother prides herself on staying in her home, it may be less costly and less infuriating to her if you just got her some in-home care. You could even do some aging-in-place modification to her home so that it is easier for her to use.

I work on blog that discusses elder in-home care and aging in place for more information on these topics check out www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare.

Best of luck, Bill