How do I provide Alzheimer's care from a distance?
I am a 39 year-old teacher living in GA. My father is 85. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but up until now, his decline has been very slow. He is still functional on many levels. His memory for names, ect is almost gone, he gets lost frequently, it is hard to get him dressed in the morning, but he can still recognize me and my mother and get around pretty well. My mother is 75 years old with a history of illness. She is at about 85% now but thinks she is at 100 as does my father. Now the problem.
They live in Dayton, OH and refuse to come down here to stay with me. I HATE Ohio and have no desire to return. However, my father is literally killing my mother. She is losing weight and growing more tired and haggard-looking by the month. I have talked to her about placing him somewhere because he REFUSES to come to GA, but, my father is an extremely stubborn man and still somewhat strong, and just aware enough to know where the "hell he doesn't want to go" (sic). I believe she is a bit scared of him because he can be verbally abusive at times and I don't know how you go about placing someone somewhere that he doesn't want to go.
Furthermore, neither she or I can just "pay someone to come and get him" (as has been suggested by some I know) because we are not financially flush. He is a veteran of WWII and we always assumed that he would go to the VA at this stage in his life. However, thanks to the military budget cuts, the VA in their town no longer takes Alzheimer's patients. Honestly, on another note, I don't want him to be somewhere he just really doesn't want to go. This is a new world to me because they have always been very independent. However, when I go spend time with them, I see things falling apart. My mother says its her responsibility to care for him and she doesn't intend to burden me with it. However, as I stated before, I honestly believe it is killing her and I just don't know what to do!
Even if I manage to find something to do with dad, there is still mom who would be living by herself, in a town where things are kind of rough right now. The rust belt is dying and so many millions of jobs have been lost. In her town, the answer to job loss seems to be knocking elderly folk in the head and taking their things. However, her friends are there, and she has a skin disease that makes her sensitive to the sun and to heat, thus, GA is not her favorite place to be.
I do not know how to make the people who have always told me what to do, do what I say. lol Furthermore, I don't have any concrete plan to help them. I live in a two bedroom townhouse. He can't navigate stairs, she doesn't like to. I would try to sell my place and move somewhere else to make it more comfortable/convenient for them but they just do not want to work with me. I feel guilty as hell for not just moving home to see after them, but I have a life here that I really don't want to leave.
I need and will greatly appreciate any advice that anyone can give! Sorry for the long rant. mari