How should I talk to my friend's about my father's Alzheimer's with out being a downer?
I help care for my father (in my home)with late stage Alzheimer's. When friends ask how he's doing, lately I struggle with always having to answer them in the same sad way. We still find gifts in every day with my father, but there is no happy ending to Alzheimer's. The disease is a beast, and it only goes from bad to worse. I have always considered myself a positive person, which is probably why I struggle with this so much. How do I answer this question, without always feeling like debbie downer. I am guessing it's just another layer to dealing with the awfulness of Alzheimer's, but if you have anything to add I would be most grateful. This website has been everything to me. May God bless each and every one of you for dedicating your gifts to help those of us traveling down this lonely highway.
Expert Answer
You are so right there is "no happy ending to Alzheimer's". Talking to others about Alzheimer's may even push some of the negative things to the surface. It seems that we, the carepartners, have only two choices when it comes to responding to friends who ask about how our loved ones 'are doing'.
The first is to say "he's just fine", "I'm doing fine", "everything is just fine" which only serves to stifle our real emotions.
Once in awhile we need the opportunity to say, "this is really what is happening to my beloved parent..." or "this is absolutely the worst time of my life...". The secret is to save these latter honest replies for our closest friends and family members or for our clergy and healthcare professionals.
Perhaps there is a middle ground that may serve to make you feel less like 'debbie-downer' and a bit more positive when friends ask about your dad. I saw a similar quote to this many years ago and used it to keep myself bouyed during the difficult carepartnering times - See if the following may work for you: "I sometimes cry because I know I'm losing him, but I smile and laugh when I remember that I once had him in my life". The actual direct quote is "I don't cry because it's over, I smile because it happened". I hope this is something that feels more positive for you without the overtones of either woe-is-me or Pollyanna.
Please remember to take care of yourself.