How do I cope with my mom's way of coping the loss of my dad?

0 answers | Last updated: Apr 04, 2016
Zephyrah asked...

In January of 2015, we found out that my dad was dying of kidney failure secondary to B Cell Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was 79 years old. At the time, I lived in Oklahoma. I, with my husband and two kids, moved back to CA to be there for my dad. I have a medical background and would be his care giver for the last year of his life. It was very difficult to see him literally fade away. I have two siblings that both live over 4 hours away and would only visit about once a month. I kept them updated on his condition. When we were at the doctor's office in April of 2015, the Nephrologist told us there was nothing more that could be done and to notify hospice. My dad wept. My mom stood there with this look on her face that I will never forget. It was almost like a hateful stare, like how could he do this to her. She just stood there in front of him and did nothing. I hugged my dad and cried with him. My mom and dad had been married 62 years. They had many conversations at the end of what she should do. They decided she should sell the house and she was to move into a 55+ gated community. Turns out, that I am buying my parents house and things are moving along well there. What I am having a hard time with is the way I feel like she is trying to erase my dad. He was 80 years old and died at the end of January, 2016. We had him cremated and his ashes are in a fairly large box that she keeps in the corner on the floor. She immediately started removing my dad from everything. She got rid of all of his clothes immediately, gave away all of his tools and things he owned. She took over his facebook account and changed the name to hers, changed the picture to just her (not the two of them - just her), could not wait to change the bank account (although we had to wait for the death certificate), take him off the title of the car, take him off her car insurance, health insurance, etc. I know these things are necessary to do, but she just couldn't do it fast enough. Couldn't wait to get rid of his chair, bought a new chair, going to by a new, smaller bed.... just seems like every trace of my dad is being removed. Am I over reacting? Is this normal for me to feel this way? They were married almost 63 years. Shouldn't she honor his memory even a little bit?

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