He won't do for himself and I just can't!
My husband, age 79, is diabetic, controlled by diet and exercise. He also had a mild heart attack in 1991, possible stroke in July, and what looks like Alzheimer's or dementia from all I have read. Basically, he does not make whole lot of sense anymore, and wants to sit in a chair all day watching TV.
I have rearranged the living room with a chaise lounge so his legs and feet are up instead of dangling, as they are ice cold and quite swollen. He does not listen to doctors, friends, or me when we tell him he MUST walk or he's going to lose the ability to do so, plus he's impairing his own circulation to the legs and feet. He wants me to bring him everything, refusing to go get food or water, or anything. He actually looks like he's playing the martyr if I don't. I am the Go-fer. I feel like a meanie if I don't, and at the same time feel like I am enabling him to be inactive to his own destruction.
I have bone-on-bone arthritis in my left hip, necessitating me using a walker or cane, and his constant requests make me feel like I need a pogo stick so I can keep jumping up and down constantly! It hurts. And is frustrating, plus makes me feel resentful and, quite frankly, bitchy. It is hard to do numerous household tasks while dragging around a walker or cane...need hands free for housework. An RN who came from the area council for the aged a few weeks ago told us she "sees no need at this time for in-home help". Our house looks like we could apply for FEMA! Plus, I haven't told any of his family yet, as the children all (adults) live in other states...five of them by his first marriage. That marriage ended in divorce when his first wife states (to me) she was "sick and tired of doing everything" while he either worked or slept, and never interracted with anybody at all. The kids are not close to their father, as he was so distant from them emotionally.
He's still like that. Oy, vey! And yet I wonder if they may try to "take over" in some way when I do tell them he's on the decline? I don't think I could handle that after being the "other one doing it all" for the last 18 years.
Help?
Expert Answer
Dear He won't do for himself and I just can't! Your use of the technical phrase "Oy, vey!" seems quite on target for your present situation. You say you do not want to be a martyr, well how about becoming the one helpful soul that is sacrificed. You are truly over your head in your present situation and if you do not call in your husbands adult children to help you out, you may not live as long as he does. So how do you go about asking for help? Well approach the adult-child that is the most understanding of your burden. Solicit their help to rally the troops to care for dad and you. Hire a private geriatric nurse to do a full assessment of your husbands physical, medical, and emotional needs. If he is to successfully and safely live at home in-home support will likely be needed. If your husband refuses to accept in-home support, other housing alternatives will have to be explored. And remember if you are unable to take care of yourself, you will not be of any real help to your husband. Don't wait if you want to be safe, call today.