Where Can I Find Someone to Be a Mediator Between My Mom, Her Care Providers and Myself?
Hello, I am new to this web site and I am extremely overwhelmed with the situation my mom is in. I’m in need of an advisor/mediator between my mom, the doctors, therapists and myself. My mom, 70, has recently fallen and has shut down emotionally. She is resentful towards me believing that if she were not staying with me, the accident wouldn’t have happened. It’s been a long, tough road to this point. She had breast cancer in 1996 and she did the chemo and radiation and took tamoxifin. She then got uterine cancer in 2007 and had a complete hysterectomy in Oct 07. They only did radiation. Then in Mar 08 the cancer was in her stomach and lungs. It was a very aggressive cancer and was told by her doctor that they couldn’t cure it, but only treat it with chemo. She was in a very fragile state and broke her (radial head) arm right in May 08 just before the chemo was to start. She could not get her arm fixed as she had cancer and they couldn’t do surgery due to the state she was in. I have been by her side through everything. I am her only advocate, as we have no other family willing (or able) to help out. She has been on aggressive rounds of chemo therapy from Apr 08 through Jan 09. The cat scans show no cancer. She has been living with me for the past 10 months and I have been her caregiver. I have been juggling a fulltime job, chemo appointments, doctor visits and such. She completed her last chemo treatment in Jan and she started to feel like there was a life after cancer. There was talk of her moving back home and I took a job that did not allow me to be as flexible but offered better opportunity for career advancement. On 3/4/2009 she fell and broke her femur. It was a very bad break as she has osteoporosis. The orthopedic surgeon said it was the worst thing he’d ever seen. It was in 30+ pieces. She is now in a rehab facility. It has been an extremely stressful time for me and I am at my wits’ end. She has Bravo insurance and it hasn’t been easy getting her the care she needs. Bravo was ready to send her home after only a week in rehab. My mom is very fragile and she is in no shape to be alone. What I am up against is that she doesn’t want to be in rehab and it doesn’t help that her insurance doesn’t want to pay for her to be there. However the options are few and right now, rehab is the best option for her. I just wish she could see it that way. She feels that I don’t want to take care of her, but the fact is if I had the money and the time I would gladly take her. I feel that her, moving back to my home before she is able to transfer from the bed to the commode, would be a risky idea. I have chronic back pain and I have financial obligations. I must keep my job. She shouldn’t be alone. I need someone to step in and be the mediator between me and my mom and the providers. I remember seeing an advertisement on this site for services where someone could provide what I’m looking for. I can’t seem to find the ad anywhere. Please point me in the right direction. Thanks.
Expert Answer
You will be able to find a mediator for your mom and the caregivers. You have asked for help in such a clear and heartfelt way.
You need a good professional Geriatric Care Manager. You can go to www.caremanager.org to find one where you live. But just in case there is not someone in your area, you may need help in finding finding help. Is there a specialist in elder law, a geriatric social worker, an Area Agency on Aging, a psychologist with experience in aging?
You will need someone to support you. Trust yourself. It takes more than one person to care for someone as frail as your dear mother. You will have to come to terms with the knowledge that you are not abandoning your mother. You need to expand her circle of care. That circle includes the rehab center, the health professionals, yourself, other family and friends who visit.
Your mother has been frail for 13 years. Your care of her is not yet over. The task you face now is to let others help you. She has reached a point where she cannot see your needs. Her circle of care must both care for you and for your mother. Once you have this help, you will be able to think of ways to bring more comfort to her where she lives. When she complains that you don't care, brush her hair or rub some nice lotion onto her hands. You don't have to answer back. Just let her know that you love her and that you will be with her as much as you can.
And make friends with the aides and other helpers at the rehab center. Help them to understand your mother. She sounds like a very strong person. What was her life, what are her strengths? What are her preferences? Are there ways to distract her from her suffering? Communication can help turn a rehab center into a healing environment of care.