How do you handle confusion and frustration over not remembering information?
My dad always tells my mom information that she does not recall. Upon telling her again, her response is "You didn't tell me that. Why didn't you tell me that?" Dad will then tell her he did tell her, but that only results in Mom becoming upset, resulting in an extended of period of negativity and irritability. What is the best response for my dad to give my mom that won't make my dad the "one who is losing his mind" according to Mom, yet not raise her ire either?
Expert Answer
You certainly describe the situation perfectly and rest assured the same scenario is occurring in hundreds of AD-homes across the country. You are completely justified in expressing concern about Dad's repeated need to share information with your Mom that only results in frustration and confusion when he expects her to recall the info.
The information was never stored in the brain so it is impossible to later remember it. It is rather like a file cabinet that is crammed full and not one more piece of data can fit in - so it is with the short term memory center in Mom's brain.
You might try suggesting to your father that he limit the amount of information he gives her and to NEVER expect her to remember. This may seem counter-intuitive to him since he is accustomed to sharing daily facts with her. Her brain, however, is no longer functioning as it was previously when sharing info was a daily occurrence.
Let Dad know that walking in her world may help him to comprehend the agitation she expresses when she can't recall. If she is angry that he 'never told her something', the best reaction is to apologize and say, "I'm so sorry. I have a lot on my mind. I forgot to tell you". That kind of response (a fiblet) generally diffuses potential animosity. Ask him to try it a few times and I'm sure he will see that a more peaceful environment is created.
Learning to use these 'therapeutic lies' not only begins a more positive interaction but it also assists your dad in taking care of himself while it helps your mom to feel more relaxed and less challenged. Do remember to take care of you!