How can we get mom to take a step back from being a controlling caregiver?

Senns asked...

My 71 year old father suffered a head injury 15 years ago and now lives apart from my mother in a retirement home (to make care easier). He is still very much mobile and can make basic decisions (some better than others). My mom is still in daily contact with him trying in her own way to "support" him (making suggestions about doctor appointments, reminding him of them, driving him to appointments as necessary, etc. The problem is that she refuses to take care of herself and step back from the situation a bit. As a result, she takes great offense when he won't do things her way and calls me between 2-4 times a day to tell me what my dad 'has done wrong' today. Some days she'll tell me that she just feels guilty because she can't do more for him and other days it's a venting phone call about how he flew off at her when she suggested something. She is also becoming increasingly clingy to my brother and I with phone calls and dropping in a lot. I have learned years ago that I need to set up boundaries with her 'venting' phone calls, but short of cutting the phone call short, nothing else seems to work. We've tried explaining that venting about Dad constantly is not something we can handle or appreciate but getting through to my mom is next to impossible (talking in a calm, caring manner does nothing). I realize that her role isn't easy, but I don't feel the need to be her sounding board about how hard she has it when my Dad won't listen to her or whatever issue she has with him. Help!!

Expert Answer

Maria Basso Lipani writes a popular website on geriatric care topics, where she puts her expertise as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker to good use answering care planning questions. Maria is a graduate of Columbia University School of Social Work and is licensed in California and New York.

 You learned years ago to “set up boundaries” with your mom and now it’s time to reinforce them.  The good news is that it sounds as if you were successful once in modifying her behavior.  Spend a few moments thinking back to what you did before and why it worked.  Chances are it would again. 

Two approaches that might also work:


1) Begin telling her at the outset of each call that you have only a fixed amount of time to talk (5 minutes, 10 minutes) before you have to hang up.  Then stick to the time frame you have established no matter what.  Your mother must learn to respect your time and this should help her to do just that. 


2) Stop answering when she calls and opt instead to call her another time, preferably a few hours to a day later.  The benefit of this approach is that it breaks this cycle in which she gets upset with your father and is immediately able to unleash her feelings onto you.  If you don’t answer when she calls she’ll be forced to find another way to cope with the difficult feelings she’s having.  Just make sure your brother follows your lead!