How can I resolve the conflict with my sisters around mom's care?
My mother has been living with one of my sisters since January due to increasing dementia. My mother is a very strong willed and negative person. I have another sister close by, but she is no longer allowing mom to stay with her. I live 12 hrs away and am of no help. Both sisters work full time, so my mom is alone all day. They would like her to go to an assisted living community that is 15 minutes away from both their homes, but she refuses to go. They are both very frustrated with the situation and their anger is often directed at me and each other. I have made suggestions such as bringing someone in each day who could interact with my mom and do some housework for my sister or seeking the help of a mediator to facility moving my mom to assisted living. According to my sisters such services do not exist in their area. However with 2 simple phone calls I was able to speak with a representative from the Alzheimers Assoc. in their area who relayed that he can act as an mediator/advocate. Did I mention both of my sisters are nurses, however refuse to investigate or utilize available resources. I sent the contact info of this representative to my sister and of course the responds I received was very negative. One sister is not speaking to me and the other just yells. I need to go spend some time there, but dread the angry/dysfunctional environment. How can I be helpful and bring some peace to this situation.
Expert Answer
My sympathies, as it sounds like this is a difficult situation and one that is placing a lot of stress on you. However, I believe there are some good solutions that are relatively easy to implement, and are one's that will not only address your mom's needs, but will also minimize the wear and tear on you. Let's consider a couple of ideas for moving forward.
First, I'd like you to find a caregivers group in your area. Even though you are not the one who is actively caring for your mom on a daily basis, I think meeting with others with personal experience in this area would provide a great community for you. They can listen and support you, help you to better understand your sisters' challenges, and assist you in feeling less guilty and angry at yourself for not being able to be there physically. Furthermore, they can provide suggestions, based on their own experiences, about specific strategies to help in this situation.
Second, you seem to have a talent in terms of organizational skills and resource gathering. So let's build on that. I think you can accomplish a great deal, even with the distance at hand, once you figure out exactly what services you think would be most crucial. Try not to pay too much attention to your sisters' resistance. Just move forward with your search to get some supportive help for your mom. Your idea to bring in a mediator is a terrific one, and I'd suggest that you get back in touch with the person from the Alzheimer's Association to schedule an appointment with your sisters. The mediator will be experienced in dealing with the resistance they are mounting and can guide you as to how to schedule the meeting.
Third, it might be helpful to devote some time to better understanding why your sisters respond to you in the way that they do. Even though they are nurses, first and foremost they are daughters, and they are overwhelmed. I'm guessing that they are very frustrated at their inability to handle the situation, especially since they are medical professionals, which probably makes them feel even worse about their lack of success. Given their state of mind, they probably take your well-meaning suggestions as criticism, even though you didn't intend it as such. It's going to require a lot of understanding and deep breaths on your end to understand that their resistance is most likely evidence of their underlying sense of failure and frustration. Perhaps you can be present when the mediator makes a visit so you can all get some help in sorting out your feelings and frustrations.
Last, difficult as it feels at the moment, it's going to be critical to remind yourself that getting this process back on track is going to take time, as unfortunately, there is no easy, quick fix. If you can exercise patience, with yourself, your sisters, and your mom, while implementing a carefully executed plan, things will improve. In the meantime, remember, your primary goal is to take care of yourself so that you can be in the best shape possible to take care of others.