Why do teens get especially upset about their grandparents' Alzheimer's disease?
My teenagers, 13 and 17, seem to be really unable to deal with my mother's Alzheimer's disease. They no longer want to visit her, and I think they don't even see her as the same person any more. Should I force the issue? She's still their grandmother.
Expert Answer
The disconnection may be less about your mother than about the kids themselves. Teenagers are going through so many emotional issues at this developmental stage that their grandmother's altered personality may be just one more thing they're having trouble dealing with. They may have too much going on in their lives to try to understand what's happening with her or to process the many emotions her Alzheimer's brings up. The disease can cause kids to feel embarrassed, scared, sad, baffled, or lonely, especially if they were once close with your mother.
Try talking with each child individually. Alone, they're more likely to voice individual questions and may feel more comfortable making their own decisions about their interactions with her. Try probing about exactly what makes them uneasy: that they don't understand what's happening to her memory? That they aren't sure how to react when visiting her?
Some guidance from you can help. Explain that when Grandma repeats herself, it's like when you don't click on "save" when you're writing something on your computer. The words -- or in this case the memory of what she just said -- are lost. Tell your teens that it's OK to just smile and repeat her words or move on to another subject.
It's also possible your teens are wary of something unexpected happening, especially if they've witnessed an outburst that upset them. Fortunately these events are pretty rare. They usually happen because the person has become very frustrated with something. Coach your kids; if it happens again, they should say something like, "I'm so sorry that you're upset, can I help you?" or simply, "Grandma I love you so much, can we have some ice cream?" (or choose something else she enjoys.) This makes the point that your child cares, and it changes the situation. Tell your kids to walk away and get help if the outburst continues. Let them know that within a few minutes, the impaired person usually forgets the episode.
Ultimately, it's not a good idea to push your kids to see their grandmother. Nobody really wins in that situation. It's better if you continue to offer opportunities to visit -- but without pressuring them. That way, when they're ready, they will join you.