How do I tell my son I need a break from my grandsons during my husband's final days with lung cancer?
My husband was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer this past September. We have been told that his days with us will be shorter rather than longer. On the same exact day, my daughter-in-law told my son she wanted a divorce. He seems to have my 2 grandsons most of the time and they do spend quite a bit of time here. Here's my problem, how do I let him know that I just need some adult time especially when we have family visit from out-of-town and not always have the grandsons here? I am afraid this is going to be a bone of contention between the two of us as I need some time to talk about anything and everything with other adults and not constantly be in the caretaking mode either with my husband or my son and grandsons. I feel like I am starting to lose it.
Expert Answer
It sounds like you are a very caring person, but with too much on your plate. It is unfortunate your son has not recognized he is asking too much of you, but generally we see what we want to see. He sees that there are times you enjoy your grandsons, then may tell himself it is as good for you as it is for his for his sons. He doesn't seem to recognize that like anyone else, you must have time to take care of your own needs or you will not have the energy you need to manage in this very difficult time.
Someone is going to have to initiate an honest discussion to help your son understand your limits. While it may have to be you, I would recommend you consider having someone else cover you on this one. It would be ideal if it was someone you and your son both trust, perhaps your husband, if he is up to it, or some other relative, a close family friend, a clergy person or a physician. Hopefully that will get a clear message to your son without the risk of you offending him. On the other hand, if there is not an ideal person or if someone has such a discussion and it doesn't help, you may need to have a frank discussion with him yourself. It may help if someone is there with you to support you, but most important you can tell him clearly you love him and his children, but for the moment you need his assistance in maintaining your mental health. I would suggest you give him a clear understanding of what you would like him to do. How much time would you like to spend with him and his sons, and how much is too much? Under what specific circumstances should he not bring his sons to your home? Should he always call first? In the end, it will be important to work out a very clear understanding between the two of you. Hopefully this can be a learning experience for him. As children we think of our parent's as superhuman and part of maturation is recognizing they too need watering time.