How can I ease my guilt for not being able to visit my father enough?

A fellow caregiver asked...

I live in another state and am an only child. My 95 year old father lived independently until a fall some months ago. After rehab it was clear he would need 24 hour care, so after much discussion with him, he decided to stay where he felt most comfortable instead of moving near me. I wanted him to make the decision and although he is 95, he is mentally in great shape. I have visited him every month since his fall and have taken care of everything for him, to be comfortable at his new residence. Now the tough part, I worry as if he was a child. He had me late in life so I have a family of my own to care and a job and can no longer visit monthly. I speak to him alot but feel so guilty for not being there and not having him closer and everyhting else I can feel guilty about. I just wanted some advice on how to cope with the guilt or am I doing something that I can do differently that would help. THanks

Expert Answer

Mary Koffend is the president of Accountable Aging Care Management (AACM), an eldercare consulting and care management firm that works with elder clients and their families to find the best care providers and services to meet their needs.

There are several ways you can ease your feelings of guilt as a long distance caregiver about not being able to visit your father as often as you would like. The best way is to find some surrogates to do the visiting for you. Depending on your financial condition, you can work to find some volunteers, paid caregivers, or a private geriatric care manager. You can also chose to have a combination of all the above.

Volunteers: Many churches have programs for visiting the elderly in facilities. Many senior centers also have seniors who visit seniors. Ask the facility managers or social worker about volunteer organizations and call about options.

Caregiver Services: There are services that provide caregivers who are trained and the companies are licensed and bonded. These services are called personal assistance services. Again use the facility to ask about companies with which they have good experiences. The Caring website under the Senior Living Directory also lists these companies. Get a couple of names and contact the companies. The companies will meet with your dad and make an effort to find a person compatible with your dad. The person could visit with your dad, do errands for him and activities with him, help him to send you e-mails, SKYPE, etc. The cost varies but the average is around $20 per hour. You could hire the service to have someone with your dad once a week or as often as you wanted and could afford.

Private geriatric care manager: A care manager is a professional that serves as an advocate for your dad and could be your eyes and ears. They would see your dad on an agreed upon schedule and send you a report about the visit. If you had a volunteer or a caregiver working with your dad, the care manager could visit your dad when the other service providers are there and validate their services as well as make additional recommendations. They can be an advocate for your dad with the facility where he resides. You can search for private care managers on the Caring website Senior Living Directory. There is also on the same pages with the care manager names in your dad's area information about questions to ask to determine a good fit for you and your dad.

Although you are not physically available to visit your dad, you can alleviate your guilt and concerns, by using these surrogates to bring extra care to your dad and peace of mind for you.