How would I know the difference between my husband suddenly turning into a jerk or having signs of early dementia?

Berngirl asked...

How would I know the difference between my husband suddenly turning into a jerk or having signs of early dementia? He is still working and seems to be functioning normal except for changes that family and friends cannot understand.Going on the internet and suddenly after a 31+ year marriage, hooking up with a woman online. It is totally out of character to this once Christian man we all thought we knew. He is wildly spending money when otherwise frugal, is promiscuous, and becoming withdrawn.

Expert Answer

Jytte Lokvig, PhD, coaches families and professional caregivers and designs life-enrichment programs and activities for patients with Alzheimer's disease and related dementia. Her workshops and seminars help caregivers and families create a healthy environment based on dignity and humor. She is the author of Alzheimer's A to Z: A Quick-Reference Guide.

You're correct that a change in personality is one of the signs of dementia, however this usually takes the form of withdrawal and even depression, hardly descriptions of a "jerk." in other words behavior that's quite opposite your husband's.

As a rule of thumb, we look for a pattern of three or more of these markers to indicate dementia:

"¢ Short-term memory loss that interferes with daily life

"¢ Hard time with planning or solving problems

"¢ Difficulty finishing projects

"¢ Problems with routines at work

"¢ Changes in mood and personality

"¢ Trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships

"¢ Increasing problems with words in speaking or writing

"¢ Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps

"¢ Placing items in unusual places; i.e. car keys in the freezer

"¢ Confusion with routines: personal hygiene, paying bills

"¢ Getting lost in familiar neighborhood

"¢ Vague about time or place

"¢ Decreased or poor judgment

"¢ Withdrawal from work or social activities

Everyone experiences one or several of these problems occasionally. They become indications of dementia when they happen on a regular basis.

*For more details, go to www.caring.com "Early Signs and Symptoms of Dementia"

Whether your husband's actions are caused by dementia or midlife crisis, I do recommend that you consider counseling. Seek out a psychiatrist or psychologist with a geriatric specialty, who can work with the possible dementia and/or your marriage.

You say your husband is developing a relationship with a woman whom he met online and that he's spending money right and left. If these actions are indeed totally uncharacteristic of your husband, they rightfully should concern you. My alarms go off when I read "stranger online" and "throwing money around," virtually in the same sentence. Unfortunately there are numerous unscrupulous con-artists working through social media online. Elders are particularly vulnerable because they grew up in an era when honesty was the norm and in general people could trust each other. Not so anymore, we must be vigilant and unfortunately suspicious, especially when it comes to the internet and money. Everyone with an email address is likely to have received numerous Nigerian scam letters, offering millions for a small sum.

I'm not saying this particular woman is trying to swindle your husband, in fact she may be a perfectly innocent and honest person who has no idea that his actions are not okay with you. However, if you learn that he's giving her money directly, you need to take action. If it's smaller sums, try not be accusatory, but contact a marriage counselor to help you establish an agreement with your husband on how much "funny money" you will each have per month. "Funny money" is extra cash you can do with as you wish without any accounting to your partner. If you find that he's been giving her larger sums directly, you may be faced with a con-artist, in which case you ought to talk to local law-enforcement. I urge you not to jump to conclusions; do your homework discreetly without shaking the boat at home. A counselor can help you figure the how and why of what's going on.